[scgirl816]

I spoke with the birth mom last night. It was a wonderful conversation. I mostly just let her talk about the baby/pregnancy/adoption if she wanted to, and she did bring some things up, but mostly we talked about ourselves, where we grew up, our families, cooking, the weather, etc, etc. I found out a lot of things about her. I feel like by talking to her a lot of my doubts and fears were set aside.

I have a lot of questions though! I found out that she herself was adopted at age 4, and she recently met her birth mother again, which brought up a lot of bad memories and was just plain "weird" as she put it. This is the reason she doesn't want the baby to know she is the birth mother. She does want to see it when we go to church conferences, but she wants to be introduced as a friend of the family. As she spoke about things like this yesterday, I told her that I wanted her to feel comfortable with whatever we decide and that I want everything to be in the best interest of the child. And I mean that. But I don't feel comfortable lying to my child about who she is. I don't know whether to bring that up now or wait to see if she chooses us as the adoptive parents and then work out the details, knowing that if we can't come to an agreement, she may choose someone else. Ultimately, I know she can't make me not tell the child who she is, but I don't want to lie to her either knowing that I won't lie to the child. What if eventually she decided that it was okay for us to tell the child, and we did, and the child realized that he/she knew who she was all along and we had lied? Then he/she would feel betrayed by us AND her! But how do I disagree with her about this when I was not adopted and she was? She's going off of her own experience. She says that it would be too confusing for a child to grow up having two mommies. She says that she in no way wants to be the mommy, that she wants the adoptive mother to take that full role. I think things are as confusing as you make them. If a child grows up knowing me as its adoptive mother and her as its birth mother, then that is the only life it knows and how could that be confusing? I think it's all in how the parents handle it and how comfortable they make it.

Secondly, apparently the birth father is very controlling. She is no longer with him and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. She told me that there are 2 ppl allowed in the delivery room, and she's already told him that he has to sit in the waiting room. I asked her at this point if he was supportive of the adoption, and she said, "He will be." She thinks that he will drill the adoptive parents and make it hard, but eventually he will give in. She says that he doesn't have the means to raise the child on his own. He has two daughters...not sure if they live with him or not...didn't ask that. But when I asked if he would be willing and able to raise this child on his own, she said that if she were to keep this baby she would get about $300/mon from him and he would have every other weekend. I don't know how that tells me if he is able...maybe by the money he makes or how much time he would be granted to spend with the child. So I'm a little confused by all of this because I know the birth father or his parents could contest the adoption and make things very difficult.

I am amazed at how much better I feel, though, after speaking with her. I've read a couple of adoption books over the past couple of days, and I've read a lot on open adoptions and feel much better about that. The more I find out about it, the more I see that it is so much better for the child. Then I had many fears about her changing her mind after the baby is born. And I would still be nervous about that, I'm sure. But I realized while I talked to her yesterday...she is a mother too. And if she were to change her mind at some point...how could I blame her? I would understand and sympathize. And I was so surprised that I felt that way after I spoke with her!

Anyway, all in all it was a great conversation. We are still the only ones that have contacted her personally. I think she will be choosing adoptive parents in the next couple of months as she stressed again last night that she wants the adoptive parents to be involved in her pregnancy. I know there are a couple more people who have expressed interest, but she hasn't spoken with them yet. She seemed to really enjoy our conversation. And you know...I liked her. And that helped me a lot with the concept of an open adoption. I would be forever grateful to her for this child, and I would want him/her to know her and for us to share his/her life with her! Things are moving so fast. I am overwhelmed but excited and feeling more and more confident about this.

Thank you for all of your help!
Rebekah