[scgirl816]

I'm posting this in this forum...think I might have posted in the wrong forum to begin with. I'd love to hear from adoptive parents, adopted children, or birth mothers. I'm just needing any advice I can get! Thanks!!!



This may be a bit long, but I wanted to give you some background...

My husband and I have talked about adopting children since we were dating...even if we were able to have biological children, we still wanted to adopt. I have one adopted brother, and this was just something close to both of our hearts. We have now been married for almost 4 years and have one biological son who is 8 months old. Our son was born 8 weeks prematurely and spent his first 5 weeks in the NICU. It was the most difficult thing we have ever endured. My OB says that I will need to be on bedrest from around 20 weeks on during any following pregnancies. For these reasons, I'm nervous about being pregnant again...1) emotionally and fearfully, because it was so hard to watch my son go through the problems he had in the NICU and 2) logically, we would need to wait until our son is a bit older because I just can't imagine having a little one while I'm on bedrest that long. We don't live near any family who could help. I say all of that to say...my husband and I have brought up the issue of adoption again since our son was born. Like I said before, we had always planned on adopting, but now that we have had this situation occur, we have been thinking about whether or not we should adopt our next child.

Yesterday, I opened my husband's junk email account...you know, the one that we have for mailing lists, etc? We belong to a church that is affiliated with other churches across the country, and we are on the mailing list of several of the other churches. We had received a group email from a man in one of the churches telling us of a couple in another church whose daughter is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. They would like to see the baby adopted by someone in one of the affiliated churches (for religious reasons) if possible. The email was asking if anyone knew of someone who would consider adopting the baby. We are definitely considering this. My husband called today to find out more details. (More about this to follow)

I guess I have several concerns...

First of all, I would love to hear from someone who has both biological and adopted children. It's one thing to talk about adopting and another to actually do it. I know it sounds awful, but I fear that I won't love an adopted child like I love my biological son. I don't think it has to do with one being adopted...I have the same fear about having another biological child...what if I don't love #2 as much as #1? I know everyone says that your love just multiplies, but I would love some reassurance!

Secondly, am I crazy for considering having two children so close in age? I know other women do it, but can I? My son isn't even sleeping through the night yet! Am I nuts?

Thirdly, one of the things about adoption that has always terrified me is that the biological mother can take the baby back. I just witnessed it firsthand last year when one of my girlfriends from high school put her baby up for adoption, then took the baby back after the adoptive parents already had the baby at home. I can understand how she felt, but being on the other side as the adoptive parent, it terrifies me. That being said, eventually, I'm sure we would run into the biological family. We have annual church conferences, and while we usually don't meet with people from that particular church, I'm sure that at some point in the next 20 years, we would see them.

I am kind of stunned right now! My husband called the contact person this morning, and he gave us the grandparents' phone number. He talked to the grandmother for a minute or two, then she passed the phone to the birth mother! We were not prepared for that! He just talked openly about us and asked her some questions. The birth father has some hereditary health problems, but his other two children don't have it, and his case is mild. She has two other children...1 and 5. Dh said that she sounded really young. She does want an open adoption (not exactly sure what would be involved there or what she expects), but she doesn't want the child to know that she is the birth mother. She said that it would be nice if we were both at a church conference for her to be able to see the child, but she wouldn't want him/her to know who she is. It sounds as if she has made up her mind about giving the baby up for adoption. She said that she isn't going to be "one of those mothers" who waits until the 7th month to decide about things. She wants to decide who the adoptive family will be pretty soon. She wants the adoptive family to have the option of coming for ultrasounds and dr appts.
We gave her our phone number and email address. We got the basic information, but I don't know what other questions to ask. We aren't decided yet...we are still praying about the possibility. I imagine she will be contacting us to find out more information about us. Dh says that if we don't hear from her in a couple of weeks that we may call back to ask more questions.

What things do we need to know? Finding out if the birth father agrees is huge! We need to ask about that. But what else?

Could you talk me through what would happen in a case like this where we may not have the option of a closed adoption? In some ways, I feel that it would be better for the child, but then I wonder if it would end up backfiring if she decides to take the baby back because she's watching him/her grow up! (Can you tell this is a huge fear of mine?!)

Thank you so much for any advice, words of wisdom, or thoughts you can give.

[Leigh131313]

I dont have much to say...

BUT...

After the adoption is final, the birthmom is not able to take the child back. Perhaps you should check and see what the timeline is in your state for her to revoke her consent. Here it is 10 days.

As far as worrying about loving a second child....ugg...i so know what you are feeling. I've wondered the same thing, and i think its normal to worry. You are the only one who can really say what is in your heart, but to ME, it sounds like normal worry.

Good Luck

Leigh

[danhanan]

I can't say much about having children close in age. Only by circumstances, our first two (biological) we five years apart. We thought we were done raising children but when our son was 19 our daughter came to us. However, two of my brothers have children close in age and they seem to be very close and happy.
As for the question of love, let me tell you my experience. When I was pregnant the 2nd time I was afraid that I wouldn't love the 2nd as much as the 1st. I was fairly certain until Hannah entered our lives that you couldn't possibly love or bond dwith a child by adoption as strongly as bio kids. Well, I was SO WRONG !!!! Our bond with her is at least as strong as with our others.. So, those fears are completely normal but mostly unfounded from my experience.
Our bmom did try to make an attempt to take her back and wasn't allowed to even try. She talked to a couple of lawyers, but she had relinquished and that was the end of it.
Good luck !!!

Nancy

[alwaysus]

My 2 closest together were 10 months and 5 days. It was very do-able. I had 5 kids in less that 5 years ( no twins...) We have had 5 bio kids and we adopted one. We are adopting again this month. The baby is due June 24th. Baby will be scheduled a little early due to c section. I love my adopted child just as fiercely as I love my bio kids. There is absolutely no difference in the way/intensity of my love. My husband feels the same way. I tell people that "all children are a gift from God, it doesn't matter who's tummy they come wrapped in."

Best of luck.....

[Volfe]

As a parent, you easily love all your children. Differently, but hugely. Of course, i am often accused of favoritism for the youngest by the oldest who is now 15

However, I realize that not every person loves every and other children the same so... that might be an issue that bears looking into.

PS I have had 4 children, love them all, even the 2 I am not raising

Now, in general, speaking as the educated-in-adoption-thanks-to-these-forums person I have become, Leigh is correct that most states have a limited revocation period from the time relinquishments are signed. Some states have none. Some states that have revocations for independent adoptions have none for agency adoptions. This also bears looking into.

Now... as an open adoption birth mother...
If you are unsure of going into an open adoption for fear, lack of understanding, what have you - DO NOT DO IT. Do NOT agree to something so monumental just because a situation has presented itself. It is not a good match (you will want and expect one thing, birth mother will expect another, not meeting the obligations of openness or getting them will create a mess, I speak from experience).

Fear is a difficult thing to live with and you won't be able to bear it for long (even the irrational stuff like she'd grab the baby and run). Work through this first.

Legally, the birth father's opinion is extremely important. Heard of all those court cases in the news? Frequently they were caused by the father's rights being tossed aside (yeah he has rights), and the courts trying to keep the child with the prospective adoptive parents/ foster parents.

My overall opinion?
1. Research Open Adoption.
Google Brenda Romanachik Open Adoption Insights.
Read some books like "The Spirit of Open Adoption" by Jim Gritter, "The Open Adoption Experience" by I forget...
Consider family dynamics.
Consider finances. Exhaustion levels.
Really be honest with yourself. Write it out, write it down. Think about it.

Mainly, all this stuff, Openness, Adoption, 2 babies, You need to research it and then decide if you want it with your Heart of Hearts, No Fear, pure unadulterated Zeal for all this will entail. And its a lot, peoples lives, finances, integrity. It's all at stake.

Good luck.
Maia

[mommy3]

I do understand all you are feeling -- give things time to settle in and grow. I have both a biological child, an adopted child and another adopted baby on the way in 7 weeks. In our family, because like you, we had a difficult time with pregnancies, I found that my own desire to have a larger family made adoption a natural step for us. I worried that I would love another child enough, too, but the first time I held my son at birth, my fears dissolved immediately. In adoption, there are beautiful statements about our babies growing in our hearts and then coming to our arms. I felt that way so clearly. Now, waiting for our third child (2nd adoption), I feel my baby in my heart all the time, even before we met her birthmother. It is difficult to wait and wonder in these last several weeks before our daughter's birth, but waiting in pregnancy almost killed me, literally, plus our babies died. Adoption is nerve-wracking, but I think we can agree that pregnancy wasn't a walk in the park in any way.

I do recommend that you read both on-line and in a book or two about open adoption, as it can be so much better for a child than closed adoption, and also better for your family. There are no secrets then and the child never feels their is a veil of secrets about WHY his birthmom didn't keep him -- as our new baby's birthmom says, "she was always wanted, just not planned" but that she "loves her so much, she wants what she cannot provide to her baby." We also were tenuous about open adoption initially and then our son's birth taught us that we had plenty of room for his extended family and how much we grew to love and respect them. Still, in adoption, once the relinquishments are signed (and any time of revocation is passed -- some states have no time of revocation), then there is no "taking the baby back." Perhaps also think about telling yourself that the baby's birthmom will "place her with your family in adoption" rather than "giving her up." The concept is quite different emotionally; it's not just being PC.

The book that I'd recommend is "Dear Birthmother" by Katherine Silber or "Children of Open Adoption." Both will give you a new insight into what adoption can truly include and how a child's birthmother can be part of a child's life in a very healthy way.

Open adoption isn't about co-parenting; far from it. It's about any level of openness that you and the baby's birthfamily work out together. Often, the adoptive and birthfamily will start out planning no visit and little contact, and then as they get to know one another, more openness comes naturally. That's what happened to us -- it amazed us all. We are all very very respectful of one another's privacy and our own lives, but our extended family feelings make the relationships just feel so right -- now. That took time.

I do want to say that each situation is so different, and you and the birthfamily would want to decide WHAT is right (for now) for you. Give it time.

About having babies so close together, they'd be playmates for sure. However, my situation is so different, with my children far apart in age, so it's not something I have experience with personally. Each issue, with children close together and far apart in age, carry their own pluses, for sure.

All the best -- feel free to pm me. susan

[scgirl816]

Susan,


Thank you for your sensitivity. I am new to the wording of adoption, and your suggestion does make a difference in emotion! I hope I haven't offended anyone.

As I read more into it, I am becoming more open minded about open adoption. I have always wanted our adopted children to be able to meet or search for their birth family, but I hadn't thought about the fact of keeping an open door throughout growing up. While it does make me nervous, I do realize that it would be the best thing for the child. And I just keep thinking to myself that the child would have an extra family to love him/her!!! How amazing is that? I even started to wonder if our biological children would feel jealous or want to be included! LOL

I am curious as to why the birth mother would want to keep things open by us sending updates and pictures and possibly seeing the child at church conferences every couple of years, but she does not want the child to know who she is. I'd almost rather it be a closed adoption than to have to keep that from my child. Someone on one of these boards made a good point. What if the child wants to know who the mother is down the road, and she decides that's okay? Then we tell him/her "Actually it's "Jane" who you've met several times." If I were the child, I think I would feel like everyone had been lying to me or misleading to me. Again, I'm trying to keep my emotions out of it and think from the child's perspective and what would be best for him/her...NOT easy!

About loving an adopted child...I have always had the same wonders about having another biological child. How could I love another child as purely and deeply as I love my son now? But then I look at him and think if I love another child like I love him, how much more my life will be worth and how much more wonderful it will be! Blood is not the issue. I love my husband about as much as a person can love another, and he is not blood related to me! Neither is my brother (adopted), and I don't see him any differently than I see my biological sister...I love them both the same.

There is a 10 day revocation period here in TX, but I think you have to go by the state that the baby is born in, right? Then I think there is a 30 day waiting period there. Would we have the baby during that time? I guess I just have to look at it like a pregnancy. It's risky. My son could have died just as easily as the birth mother could change her mind. It's painful, but you take the risk to have children. I think there was the initial shock of finding out about this and realizing that my husband was interested and that this could be possible. And now I'm thinking a bit more clearly about it. I've been praying about it constantly and thinking about all the angles. Trying to be more rational than emotional now, although I know the emotions will never end!

Thank you so much for your help!
Rebekah

[mommy3]

Rebekah -- I can tell your heart and thoughts are allowing lots of new ideas to come on in! I'd want to support you 100% in how great you are listening and thinking about how to phrase your plans for this baby, but don't worry about not being "up" on the verbiage for adoption. The great thing about learning about the adoption community is there are such wonderfully supportive people AND we all were new (and still are with each new situation) to it all our first time, as well. The adoption PC words make sense because they reflect what we live, e.g., "placing a baby through adoption", etc. I subtley correct friends all the time because I want my children's lives frame in healthy ways -- not because I want to "correct" anyone, really.

About birthmom openness, I've heard so many times that birthmoms (our son's felt this way) don't expect or think they want much openness, and then as they get to know you and your family, good things just happen. She may want more openness sooner -- or a few months or years down the road -- esp. if you leave the door open. You'll all know what to do if other aspects of the situation seem good/okay otherwise, I bet. Yes, I do believe openness is healthy for the child, but I also believe it becomes natural for the rest of your family, esp. if it isn't forced. Yes, our son's birthfamily is close to our biological child, too, and cares about her, as well, so she's never felt left out or slighted. They give her presents and have a great time together, as well. That may develop down the road if it already isn't happening.

Still, every situation can be sooo different, so most importantly, what you and your husband feel you can deal with needs to be the foundation for you both. In adoption, we end up handling a lot more than we think we can, I've also found! As long as you keep hanging in there with the level of comfort that you can handle, go with it. I can remember going to meet our son's birthmom and then suddenly she's in labor and we're driving to the hospital in a strange city. We pulled over and all three of us said, "Are we okay with this? If we aren't along the way, any of us just needs to say so." We hung in there and all went well. We just kept checking in together, my husband, daughter and I. We're doing that again this time and it's helped so much.

The relinquishments, from what I understand, can sometimes be done in your own state rather than the other state, but it all depends upon the rules. If you don't have an agency or a lawyer yet, you clearly want one. If you get a lawyer, be sure to get one who mainly handles adoption, as the laws can go with you or against you, esp. with ICPC (interstate compacts/laws) issues.

If red or yellow warning flags crop up, figure out where they are coming from and deal with them individually. Feel free to pm me any time, as well. All the best, susan