[dtmom2b]

How soon do most PBMoms make a choice on a parents? We are still in the interviewing process and the baby is due in 6-7 weeks. I can't help but think something else may be going on here. The BF mom does not like this adoption at and we are getting nervous. Any suggestions on how to remain sane

[LisaCA]

I think pbmoms make their decisions repeatedly throughout their pregnancy and after their child is born. She most likely replays this decision in her mind repeatedly until she signs and then afterward. We were matched with dd's bmom 9 days before her due date and the day before she went into labor (a week early).

I'm guessing the decision becomes more real as the pregnancy develops, people talk about her pregnancy and plans and as the due date arrives. All bets are off I think til after the birth and the decision whether to place is made again.

about pbfather: if he's not on board, he can "derail" bmom's plans. hopefully everyone has a lawyer and/or counseling, to explore their options, and hopefully everyone is talking about what they want.

no words of wisdom here, just support. waiting stinks, no matter what they say.

I'll be thinking about you, the little one and her bfamily.

lisa

[tobeafamily]

I agree with Lisa.

As for you, guard your hearts and keep busy doing other things.

I wrote in my planner "If they choose to parent, it's OK". I said it so often my son's bfamily finally asked me to "quit it!"

Best of luck.

Regina

[mroot]

I agree with the other two posters. Stephen's bmom did not find out she was pregnant until she was 6 months along and had been on the pill. She and her boyfriend went back and forth for a few months, trying to decide whether to parent or make an adoption plan. They approached the agency and chose us 5 weeks from the due date. She never appeared to waiver from her decision after that, but in her heart, I am sure she did. Bdad was a lot more outwardly emotional about it all. They tpr'd when Stephen was 11 days old and have since shared their story with other prospective adoptive parents at the training sessions the agency holds.

The others are right. Just guard your heart, and prepare yourself for the possibility that she will parent. Sending prayers your way!

[LisaCA]

Regina is right, the mantra "if they choose to parent, that will be okay" is important to say over and over. That doesn't mean it won't hurt, but it takes the focus off and allows you to confront the possibility. It really will be okay. Until the birthfamily signs, even if you've brought the baby from the hospital, you are just babysitting-this is what I said to myself and it kept me sane during that 24hrs while we waited to hear. I'm not a firm believer in the "one baby for me". My feeling is that there are many babies that I could love, so if dd wasn't the one, then there would be others.

take care,

Lisa

[dtmom2b]

Thanks for the advise.

Since both the birthmom and birthfather are over 18 do the grandparents have any rights to keep the baby? I know the birthmom has NO connection to this baby and no desire to keep it but the grandparents (BF side) are having a tough time dealing with the adoption, everyone else is open to the open adoption.

We have met with the PBM and BF and the PBM mom twice but the BF's mom didn't want to meet this last time because it is too hard but will as we get closer...eek closer, we are 6 weeks out know.

Could this grandmother choose to keep the baby in the end?

[tobeafamily]

Grandparents do not have parental rights unless biological parents assign them. Courts may prefer to place in a contested situation with biological relatives. Check with your attorney regarding the laws in your particular state.

Have you made counseling available to this about-to-be grandparent? That may help if not. Do you feel you understand her reasons for not wishing to place?

This is a terrifying time for expectant parents making an adoption plan and their families. There is a great deal of uncertainty, and no legal way to enforce any post-placement agreements should they not be followed. I have found that focusing on being very honest, upfront, and worthy of trust is the best strategy.

Do what you say, say what you'll do, even if it is not what you think they want to hear. Commit only to what you're willing to do, say, be. If you're not comfortable with something, say so rather than conceal figuring it will 'work out' once the baby is placed. They will sense the uncomfortableness, believe me.

Best of luck.

Regina

[SadieAnn]

Our bmom decided to place her baby 4 days before her scheduled C-section. Good Luck!!!!

[mumofone]

Our son's parents decided on an adoption plan when they found out they were expecting.

They were both on board with the idea and supported each other in the decision.

However, after giving birth, our son was placed in foster care until both parents signed. They obviously thought about parenting or they would have signed after the 15 days had passed.

[icunurse]

Our agency won't even let pbparents consider families until they are past 7 months and have received a good deal of counseling. They don't want paparents unavailable for too long in case things don't work out and they want to make sure that expectant oparents aren't rushing into a panicked decision. Our son's bmom started at the agency when she was 6 months pregnant, picked us a month before her due date (which then was moved back). As for how to stay sane, like others have said, we always thought that no matter what at least the baby would be okay (we have had a few pregnancy losses, so, to us, it was a comfort that while our hearts may be broken for a while, everyone would be OK).

[terry2ferg]

Thank you so much for starting this thread!! We are in a kinda-similar situation and have been thinking much the same thing......

We are talking with a pbmom who is about 2 months away from her due date. We've been talking with her for a month and things seem to be going good, but things haven't gone any farther than that...

I know she said she was talking with 1 other couple and the plan was to "decide" between us. I've just been driving myself crazy wondering.....when is she going to decide!?!

I guess it sounds like its not uncommon for pbmoms to wait until pretty close to their due dates - yikes! That is sooooo scary for a planner like me!

But I do really like the way this pbmom is going about "choosing" aparents is good - talking with a few couples and giving it time to see who she really feels comfortable with. I really admire and respect that about her and hope it helps give her a some peace in the future.

Well thanks again for starting this thread - sorry I have no advice, but I do look forward to hearing other's responses!

[katieb31323]

Our DS's birthparents choose after birth. DD1 birthmom choose after birth as well. DD2 birthmom choose 2 1/2 months before birth. (she also though she was due about a month earlier then baby was born) Neither of my girls' birthfathers were took part in the "choosing"

My friend who is a birthmother narrowed her choice down to 3 families and took nearly a month to decide...and did about 6 weeks before birth.

Like everything with adoption...each situation is different!

Kathy