[sugarbabysmommy]

For more than a year now I have been trying to address how my lack of entitlement has influenced many things in my life as a parent, in our lives as a family. Recently I have begun to piece together just how pervasive it really is, how many things that have been off for so long may all lead back to entitlement as the root cause.

So, I resolved to go through the motions in an effort to reframe my thinking. A few examples, I have made a consious effort to enjoy the moment, to feel the pride, when someone compliments babe, and I gave myself a bracelet in honor of babe to eventually be engraved with babe's stats. But I am running out of ideas, and the emotional shift is slow in coming.

This has been a very painful journey.

What I'm wondering is, what have others who've struggled with entitlement done to build on your sense of you and your child belonging to one another?

[LisaCA]

when dd arrived, I went to a woman and had henna on my hands in beautiful traditional middle eastern designs. This was my way of celebrating this transition to parenthood (plus when the henna is on your hands you can't do anything for at least 24 hours-he he he ).

maybe a celebration, some formal ceremony/ritual with family that will make you feel more entitled. We're taking dd to my family church in RI for her christening, then going to dh's family church where he was christened for a blessing, our way of bringing her into our family and family traditions. Is there something similar you can do?

when I look at dd I see her birthmom, clearly inscribed on her face. But she laughs for me and dh, she reaches for us when she's tired, fussy, scared. those are the things that make me feel secure about my place in her life. When someone says that dd looks so beautiful, i just smile and say "thanks". I may not have put the genes together, but i did do her hair, dress her, all of those things that help that beauty.

I think you're on the right path. I like the idea of the bracelet:-).

Lisa

[meimaemomma]

How beautiful, Lisa. What lovely ideas and thoughts. The bracelet is a lovely idea as well.

I am still just a p-aparent, but I wanted to share with you that I had a surprisingly similar struggle with bio ds. He was born after a nightmare high risk pregnancy, and we almost lost him several times (including during delivery). Three years later I would look at him and wonder how can this be? Why this miracle for me? But rather than feeling exclusively joy at those thoughts, I was also plagued with his might-have-been loss. I delighted in him everyday but I also still felt those moments of loss or potential loss nearly everyday. Compliments to my babe's beauty would stir up feelings of pride but also sadness and of "but." I worried that they would make it hard for me to be a good parent - either I'd miss the joy or I'd spoil him like mad. I haven't, I don't think. DS is fab if I do say so myself . But I do think those thoughts, out of their appropriate context, are disruptive.
My husband gave me a ring of ds's birthstone and as with my wedding rings I don't take it off. Soon I'll have one for dd or ds #2 through adoption. I imagine then that I will also think, how can this be? Why a second miracle for me? (I already do). And I will struggle with feelings of entitlement even as I experience overwhelming joy. Our family is being made out of losses - his or hers foremost - but that makes it all the more miraculous.
Another poster once wrote that her daughter asked "Are you my mommy?" and then said "Oh, how sweet" when she answered yes. It is sweet. Mommy is a job and a commitment and a feeling. Anything that you can do to recognize "mommy" in those three terms might help.

PS: I'll be here next year asking you how you did it so I can do it too.

[spaypets]

Lisa brings up good points -- I have gone as far as wearing mother daughter outfits (I just mentioned this on another thread)--in part because I enjoy the irony of being a fair skinned bottle blonde dressed like my beautiful brown girl. But part of it is claiming her too -- a shorthand way of saying to strangers in a group "Hey, we go together."

We're Jewish, so the whole conversion (involved dunking her in our pond) supported my feelings of entitlement, as did the naming ceremony we had several months later.

DD is a mimic and imitates my and DH's gestures and expressions. Our friends and family have noticed and even though we look nothing alike, comment on the resemblance. She borrows our phrases--few things are funnier than to hear a 3-year-old imitate some grown up phrase ("That's the plan" is a big one right now at our hosue) that you don't realize you say.

I don't think I ever really struggled with entitlement per se. Indeed, one of the hardest things about the long wait was my overwhelming sense of entitlement. As in: "I followed all the rules and all the directions, jumped through all the hoops. I am entitled to a baby NOW."

But I think we all need to feel like we are parents, not babysitters. Even now, when I hear other mothers talk about how they'd take a bullet for their kids, I wonder if I really have it in me or is my sense of self preservation stronger than that. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, but I wonder if I'm fierce enough.

[LisaCA]

hey spaypets, after watching you here on the board I'd say you're fierce enough . you do a great job of explaining your points of view and also how you do protect your daughter. I have no doubts - don't mess with the baby or the mama .

dd and I have dressed alike a few times, none of them consciously. If I'm feeling like a red day, then my brain tends to pick out red for both of us.

I remember babysitting Emily who was 2 years old. she was piling stuff up on her trike to take with her around the cul-de-sac when stuff fell off. She got off her bike, stood there with her hands on her hips viewing the mess and then said "Oh darn", just like her mom. It still makes me laugh out loud 30 years later.

[spaypets]

Thanks, Lisa! I hope you're right! I do remember though when DD woke up screaming, racing in to see what was wrong and realizing she had thrown up on herself (really, DD doesn't puke that much, it just always seems to be a profound moment!). My first reaction wasn't "Ick!" It was, "OMG, you poor thing you must be terrified" as I scooped her up (ok maybe not as close as I might have). I spent a lot of time feeling proud of myself, whick made the clean up easier!

[sugarbabysmommy]

Lisa, when babe came home two years ago we did have party for babe. My only regret of that day is that I didn't feel I had the right to escourt babe around and show babe off, I deferred to other people to do that and concentrated on hostessing. It was a wonderful day all in all.

I realized one day that one of the reasons my MIL was driving me nuts was she felt more entitled to claim babe than I did. She can go the extreme sometimes and overstep, but in general I (intellectually) know that she is no different than any other grandmother. She has all sorts of I love you Grandma books, brags on babe constantly (often making incorrect claims about babe's accomplishments, which bugs the cr*p out of me, as if she knows babe best), she'll show me the "grandma" gifts she been given and I'll note how neither she or anyone else has ever once given me any "mommy" sort of gifts. When sharing about my bracelet with her or others (my effort to give myself a mommy gift) I feel self conscious to the point of not wanting to talk about it. These are all just examples of one of the ways my lack of claiming or entitlement is causing problems.

Mother's Day was never depressing to me really before parenthood, now it's horrible! I don't know how to act, how to feel, I'm self conscious about there being a day to celebrate my motherhood. The day feels wrong, it feels loaded with expectations, of what... I have no clue.

For so long I have looked for and waited for validation from others, including my child's birthmother as a way to define myself as mother. It's futile to wait for validation from others, I know that now (only took a year) so now I must rely on me and that's even scarier. I need to find the mother in me rather than rely on the image others have of me as mother (or as caretaker in the case of my child's birthmother).

Funny you mention dressing alike, it happens now and again. If I feel like blue today we'll likely both be in blue etc. But I don't allow myself other indulgences that I think I should (even though they go against my fundamental modesty) like "I love mommy" t-shirts popular at Valentine's Day etc. Last year I had a potrait taken of babe and me to give to hubby for dad's day, nothing so unusual to most, but to me it felt soooo odd, manufactured.

This all sounds so awful. I love this prescious little person with my whole being.

Spay, I think you are more feirce than you know. But, I do understand the quiet thoughts like that.

Meimaemomma, (I think I spelled that right) thanks for talking about your feelings about your son. I do think there are biological mothers who may feel this way too but in adoption we are given the language to discuss it, and may discuss it more freely because of that.

I had such hope that with our open adoption I would feel more entitled than if we had a semi open adoption. I read stories again and again of adoptive and birthfmailies validating eachother and their importance. But I have seen how hard my child's birthmother has wanted to hold onto her place as mother and I have let that diminish mine so as not to be an affront to her pain. There is nothing I can do about her journey, I can only effect mine. However in becoming more entitled I don't want to hurt her. Then again, I guess she may not even notice a difference since outwordly not much is likely to change, except now I don't take down the intimate pictures of myself with babe when she comes to visit.

Thanks for listening, open to more thoughts or comments if there are any

[redhedded]

sugar baby's mama, I had huge entitlement issues - ALL before my precious daughter's birth. I was, sometimes late at night, paralyzed by the inequality of this life. This was not new for me but was especially intense during this time. I spent hours saddened (and crying) about my incredibe good fortune and wondered often why I had a circle of family and friends who were emotionally healthy, loving and supportive, why I had the financial stability to care for a child and provide them many opportunities, why I, as a white upper middle class woman, had been given every opportunity in my life - health, education, access and incredibly supportive and dedicated parents who would have helped me build a spaceship if I told them my goal was to orbit the earth.

I thought constantly about the women who were considering placement long before any potential match presented itself. I was sometimes immobilized by the sadness that I expected for them to bring to this decision; I was saddened by how hard their lives might have been, if they had had little or no support, if they lacked opportunity or option. I wondered day and night if they would ever feel whole again after placing, if they would smile. I was concerned about my role in the oppression of other women, especially since we were waiting to adopt an AA baby. Women's experiences, hardships and pain and joy is so valuable to me, as a woman and a human.

My dd was born. I looked into her beautiful eyes and studied her perfect face. My sense of entitlement was suddenly there. I was now her mother. The incredible woman who gave her life expected me to be happy, strong and confident. She had confidence that I would give everything that I had, my spirit, my love and my time! She had made the ultimate sacrifice and it was my responsibility to be the best mother, the best parent, that I could possibly be.

Five months ago my son was born; he survived a very traumatic birth, thrived when his neonatologists were unsure about his long term prognosis and despite a heart condition, he is a wonderful, loving, happy healthy babe. I often look at my kids and wonder again why I have been blessed immeasurably. I wonder what I did to deserve the opportunity to guide their spirits and minds. But. . I always feel entitled because I know that another mother, to find peace and to smile again, must know that I am strong and secure and confident that I feel I deserve this title. So do you!

Write a letter, even if it never leaves you. Share your soul to your babe's birthmother; let her know that you enjoy and embrace every moment of your life, that you recognize her pain and sacrifice and that you will forever be the best mother that you can be (add specifics) to honor your babe, her and yourself. This was liberating and strengthening for me. Peace and love.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Redhedded, thank you for your post. I envy your transformation when your daughter was born. Thank you for the letter suggestion. It may be awhile before I feel as positive as I'd like to be able to write it, but I will give it a go. I have never put to words the ways in which I am a good mom, probably because I have never really honestly given myself permission to think of myself that way- beyond the occasional pat on the back when I actually read a discipline situation correctly, or those queit times when I can tell what babe wants above all else and no one else can.

peace to you