[MMC66]

We thought we had transisioned into a semi-open adoption with Addy's bmom since this is what the birthparent counselor recommended and she agreed to it. It wasn't necessarily permanent but until she got things straightened out.

This weekend we received four separate phone calls. none of them concerned Addy, all were about her latest life crises. it is hearbreaking but DH and I don't feel we can help her financially at this point as her issues are lifelong and not likely to resolve in the short term. We're not even sure how to handle her phone calls but they are impossible to screen as they come from different places.

She may lose her aoartment and have to move into a homeless shelter which I hope does not happen. Please include A in your thoughts and prayers. I'm sending her a Wal-AMart gift Card this week along with pics from Addy's baptism on Sunday.

Thanks,

Martha

[Jensboys]

Martha,

I know I have already privately shared my thoughts with you but I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are facing this. And I do think that you made the right decision.

Jen

[MMC66]

I did need to hear that. This really stinks. For now we'll just take it one day at a time and keep her in our prayers.

Thanks Again,

Martha

[chrisandaaron]

Martha-
You'll be in my prayers as well. I can't imagine how hard that must be. We just walked away from 5 months match the day after the baby was born for a lot of reasons, but the main one being that we expected the same types of problems to continue. We just couldn't do it. So best wishes to you!

Take care,
Chris

[Mom2J]

Oh Martha, I'm so truly sorry for you going through this. I was hoping that the situation would have been taken care of with switching to a semi-open adoption, but it seems like things are still going to be a little hard for you. I just wanted to let you know, that we're here for you.

We'll keep you and the birthmom in our prayers,
Mom2J

[3inCO]

I can so relate to this situation. My daughter's birthmom is always in crisis. It is very sad but I suspect she will always live her life this way. Much of the contact we have with her is about her and not our daughter. She has another child and an abusive boyfriend and drug issues and financial issues and mental health issues and family problems and....well you get the point. At first I felt compelled to try and help in any way I could, in time (A is almost 3) I came to realize that I can not fix her or her problems, they were created many years before we met. I quit helping for the most part in any financial way, I buy birthday and Christmas presents for them, I pay for professional pictures of the girls, I pass on A's old clothes for the baby, we babysit every month or so overnight so that she can have a break (and so that our daughter and her sister can form a relationship). I also listen to her and give advice at times, although I am pretty brutally honest about what I think are the problems and don't let her BS me anymore. We have caller ID and if I don't feel up to talking to her I let the machine pick it up let her leave a message and call back when I want to. I don't pick up numbers that I do not recogninze anymore. If she gives obvious hints about wanting or needing something I usually just say something like "I can understand why you would want that, or I hope that works out for you." If she point blank asks me for something I will help her find a resource to obtain that item if possible, or I will point out that we have a family to care for so I don't have a lot of extra money for anything else.

The biggest problem I see with our relationship at this time is that eventually our daughter will want to know why her birthmom does not show much interest in her and always seems to be having a crisis. I do think that a conversation about putting the girls first is probably coming. I doubt that this will really hit home. She really does live such a drama that she has trouble functioning. I would never cut off contact unless I felt A was in danger, but I would not hesitate to reduce contact if I feel that A is being hurt emotionally by the visits.

It is hard, because she is my daughter's birthmom, she is part of our family and we love her. I just keep in mind that helping too much enables her to continue making bad choices. we have chosen ways to help that we feel are in her best interest and in the girls best interest.

Good luck, this is one of the hard things about some open adoptions. I still believe it is the best way for children who are adopted to grow up, but boy is it work sometimes.

Becky

[MMC66]

Your story is pretty much how I see our relationship with A playing out. I don't think I can cut off communications with her - like you said, she doesn't pose any real threat to Addy.

We do, however live several states away and I'm not sure how I feel about visits at this point. Luckily I don't have to make that decision today We have a total of five kids so me taking off with just Addy or (God forbid) a family vacation to the birthmom's state would be really disruptive.

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.

Martha