[CAV]

My story is pretty uncomplicated. My husband and I are both in our 20's. We always planned to have children, but weren't in any rush.

One night we got a call from my MIL.. "How would you like to be parents?" At first we thought she was kidding. But she expended on the situation and issues surrounding my S-I-L's pregnancy.
We spoke with my s-i-l and, yes, it was true. She wanted us to raise this baby. She was having some troubles, and already had 2 children.. one of them autistic. In other words... she already had a very full plate to deal with, and felt this was the best decision for her unborn child.

My husband and I layed in bed that night discussing what having a child would mean.. the impact it would have on our lives. The possible problems that could arise from an adoption situation, and how his sister would really feel seeing the child she gave birth to being raised as ours.... how that would affect their relationship and the relationships within his side of the family.
By early morning we'd made up our minds... we wanted to raise this baby. We would further question his sister and give her our assurances that backing out of the adoption would not upset us... but if she was confident in letting us adopt, then we would happily accept the opportunity.


Four months later I stood ackwardly in the delivery room while our beautiful and robust son was born near Midnight. He was strong and healthy... weighing in at a very formidable 8 lbs. 9 oz., and sporting a thick and unruly mop of dark hair.
I was the first to see him.. and I remember feeling so helpless. I didn't know where to stand... what to say. I didn't understand where I fit in amongst the chaos. I held birthmom's hand, and she was able to laugh and compare this with her first deliveries thanks to that modern miracle called the Epidural.
I spent the night in the hospital room with her, and we talked about our expectations and hopes for this little guy who was being stroked and fawned over by both his first and future mommies at once.


Here is where my story is a little different from most "When I adopted my child" stories...

I remember the long car ride home with my little guy firmly strapped in his new carseat... dressed in a beautiful soft blue outfit with train embroidery and the cutest litle hat that just highlighted his fat little cheeks and pouty bird lips. (The kind of outfit you never bother wasting money on again because you learn the amazing staining power of formula, and the unbelievable difficulty of trying to button a squirming baby into something fancy... especially when they look just as cute in an easily snapped sleeper, lol.)
My sister, mother, and father had come for the trip home... and every time he so much as made a peep we pulled over at a gas station to check his diapers, feed him, and pass him around marveling at his little nose and soft skin.

And I was excited and nervous. But looking back I don't know if I really LOVED him yet. I felt so... incompetent and unsure. For four months we'd planned for him. Making a beautiful nursery, buying over a hundred little outfits (most of wich he grew to big for before he even wore them.)... thinking of names and all the neat things we'd do as he grew.

The IDEA of a baby is very different than the reality of having one. That first night was exhilerating, but we didn't know him yet. We'd only just met the night before and had had very little time for more than "Hi! I'm *, but you can call me Mom, Mama, Mommie, Ma... whatever works for you!".

I think LOVE real all-in-capital-letters LOVE struck me on the 3rd night. He had woke me up for the second time that night. I didn't bound out of bed and skip to his room in a haze of joy. Intead, I exhaustedly rolled out of bed, landing on the floor. I regained my feet and stumbled into the kitchen to make a bottle for him, burning my hand in the process..... I then proceded to sleepwalk into his room where I scooped him up and fed him in the rocking chair.
I started to fall asleep during this... and luckily my husband came in, smiled at my sleepy visage, kissed me and took the baby from my arms so i could head back to bed.

I laid down gratefully.. only to hear a wail of protest from my son and my husband yelling "Honey! He's leaking on me! He's leaking out of the mouth!" because C had spit up on him... and as I pried myself from bed I laughed and told myself "This is what it's all about"........ that's when I realized that I really did love the little bag of lungs, lol.


My son has been a joy to us. That isn't saying that he didn't have tantrums or sometimes decide that throwing something hard and plastic at Mommy's head was just the bestest fun EVER.
But he has a great smile, and an infectous laugh. And we're pretty attached to his spoiled butt... despite those flying blocks and occasional tantrum..

I have to admit that some of the adoption horror stories I've read have scared me at times. But what can you do, you know? We all made the best decisions that we could at the time. So far, none of us regret them.

I hope that he doesn't have pain over the adoption... but I can't control that. He'll know his mother and brothers... and we'll be the best parents that we can be... but that is all I can offer him. The rest is up to him. Yes, he's adopted... but he is much more than that. Only he can make the decision on whether or not to let that hold him back in any way.

I'm not some baby snatcher (hell, we offered to help s-i-l move down here if she wanted to keep him, but she knew that with her other responsibilities that would be more than she could handle.).
I'm also not some wannabe-saint taking in so-called unwanted children... because for one thing he sure as heck wasn't unwanted. He is loved by all of us... my family, me, my husband and his family, and his birthmother. He'll always know that. And the second... we weren't trying to be selfless, this adoption was as much for us as anyone else.
Nor am I a misguided soul trying to fill a void in myself or my life with a child. My life was fine before.. now it's even better.

I'm just a regular person who loves the little boy who is curled up in his bed right now with a mangled purple Teletubbie that he adores. Who hopes that she does a good job as a Mother, but knows that she will make and has made mistakes.

I get grossed out, frustrated, annoyed, and there are days I dream of getting in the car and taking off for the weekend to escape yet another viewing of Cats & Dogs. (his favorite movie)

I'm not perfect... but I'm doing the best that I can. I don't hold myself to a higher standard because I'm supposed to be "grateful" and therefore Supermom. I'm just Mom... good for scraped knees, not so hot when it comes to looking at the worm you just dragged in no matter how many times you yell "Mom!Mom!Mom!" because they look to much like tiny snakes to me.

I'm the one you love when I make chocolate cake, and the one you completely hate when it's time for a bath. The one who will set you in the corner for sassing back, but who will cuddle you when you crawl into my bed during a thunderstorm. I'm just Mom. Not adopted mom, Amom, second mom..... just Mom.

Reading at this site makes me worry. So much pain from so many people. I hope he is spared that. If he has questions he can ask me, or call up his bmom.... she's family after all.
No one is gauranteed a happy childhood. Mine was far from one and I grew up with my natural parents. Same for my husband. We all have issues.... but we have a choice on whether we confront those issues and deal with them, or let them eat us up inside. I hope he is able to make peace with the decisions that were made for him with love... and is able to just be C. Not C, the adopted kid. Just C.


It'll be a confusing world for him.. he has half brothers that he knows, and my husband and I plan on adding in a brother or sister in the future... after I finish school. He has Mommy, Daddy, Mama A* and her husband... the big extended family. He'll either take in all that love and thrive, or become angry that he was given up and not his brothers. It's all on him... there is little we can do but love him.

All I want from him is his happiness. I don't care if he does construction, works at WalMart, or becomes a doctor... just be happy and I'll know we did okay.

That's all any parent can dare to hope for.

[Renda]

Dear Cav,

Your post was good to read, honest and open.

You are right, we can have issues being brought up with natural parents, they are no gaurantees, so don't worry and enjoy your life with him and any other sibs that he may have in the future.

I grew up with adopted parents and they were the best thing that ever happened to me, I had a good normal (if there is one) child hood and have to hang ups about it at all.

So you carry on and don't worry, sounds like you're doing a good job.

[Montraviatommyg]

Just because you didn't go through pregnancy and labour you are still a mum and have written as one. All mothers must worry about their inadequaties regardless of whether their child is theirs biologically or adopted.

Good luck to and your husband, with your attitude I hope and pray YOUR son thinks of you as Supermum.

Philippa

[LoveJosiah]

Your post made me cry, it is precious and so very honest & unassuming. I hope the best of everything for your little family!
Amber

[Overwhelmed!]

CAV- I know this was posted over 2 months ago, but I must say, what a fantastic thread you've started here and your post is quite heartwarming in it's honesty. You express many of the feelings I feel raising our son. Thank you for sharing and inspiring! I hope all is well with your family.

[Willowgirl]

Hi Overwhelmed, reading your post was like reading a happy novel, I really enjoyed it. I am sure your little boy will grow up knowing that he is loved, no adored..Your story about bringing him home that first day reminded me of when we brought our beautiful boy home. We were so protective and didnt want any cars coming within five feet of ours..We floated home on a cloud really...
Good luck with your beautiful boy...

[momofmore]

CAV - I can understand about abouting a sibling's child. My dh and I adopted my sister's baby boy. It has been 3 years that he has been with us and he too will always know that he is loved by not only me, but his tummy mommy/auntie as well.

[dpen6]

Cav,

As an adoptee I smiled when I read your post...you know thats all kids want from their moms....just be a human mom..not super mom..just mom. Their is so much pressure for ALL moms to be "perfect".kids need to "perfect"...need to be superstars and little profeesors ...if not its supposedly reflected on the parents..hog wash...a good mom lets their children be who they are ....imperfect moms have imperfect children....wow..that makes us all human...

my mom was not perfect...guess what neither am I ...you know what , my mom also had some talents that she was real good at and some she was average .its a sin to be average nowadays!!!

refreshing to read your posts.....understanding you have a human child that may have issues with wearing red, or socks that have seams in them, or shy or to outgoing, or maybe he will have some issues with being adopted...the point being you deal with them as they come up..without adoption being centel to everything!!

Good Job...kiddo...you sound very sensible

BTW...I know many bio moms that did not bond that first moment..it can be chaotic and yes that can effect thing.

I was not one that haad a rush of love ...I had a rush of relief that I was not in pain anymore!!!

Donna

[FauxClaud]

Great post!!!

Love that the SuperMommy mistique is losing some of it's fan fare!

[CAV]

I was so nervous trying to put my feelings down when i wrote this thread. Your kind replies have made me smile and feel much more confident, lol. I truly appreciate the wonderful responce.

[ladybird1980]

I am going to have to print this off and put it up for me to read on those days that I wish I was Supermom. Thank-you.