[bjolly]

I need some suggestions. Our wonderful daughter came to us from foster care 2 months ago. She's 10 years old. She's AA, and we are CC, also we are a 2 mom family. We live in a diverse community (about 60-40 AA to CC) but her school is about 90% AA kids.

She's very very shy. Kids at school have noticed that she has a white mom (they haven't noticed the 2 mom thing as yet) and have asked her about it. From what she's told me, they don't pick on her about it, but have just been curious and asked questions. She says she doesn't like going to school because everyone knows she has a white mom.

to top this off, her basketball coach is having a party this weekend at his house for the girls in her age group. These girls know she has a white mom, since they see me bring her to practice every Saturday, but they also haven't seen both of us. She wants us both to take her to the party, but I don't think she realizes that she will get questions then about having 2 moms.

We know she will have to deal with being different, and we'd like any input on how to help her with this. She is intensely shy (terrified to try to make friends, actually) and I wonder if it would be bad to have just one of us go to the party. I know she'll have to deal with the 2 mom/white moms issue in life but I wish she didn't have to deal with it quite yet as she's trying to get settled in and comfortable.

any suggestions to help us help our little girl?

[kckm]

Here are some books I heard are helpful.If link does not work the titles are [Edited To Remove the URL to a Retail or “Fee Based Service” website.]
'Horace' by Holly Keller
'Inside Transracial Adoption' by Gail Steinberg

[Leigh131313]

well...i dont know if this will be of much help..

My friend has a little boy, who is the only aa family member...She has a book, and it talks about how everyone is different colours, and god made him a beautiful brown. I dont know the name of the book, maybe someone on here does.

Leigh

[Jensboys]

Please remember that the posting of Retail Websites on the forums is not allowed, this includes links to eBay auctions.

[LisaCA]

it sounds like she needs to find others in her community with parents who are "different". I think if you ask her teachers or look around your community, you'll find others with parents that look different from their children. getting together in that context would be nice.

have you talked to her about how people may react to her two moms? this may be time to have that talk (again if you've already had it). If after that she still wants you both there, I'd go as a couple. She may be telling you she want's to lay it all out on the table for everyone, and then make friends. She may be a bit stressed how people will find out, and wants to just have it out there, get it over with.

frankly, it's tiring as a child to be "different". you may be quite happy with your family, etc, but it's just exhausting having to respond to questions all the time. maybe some books about difference, how that's perceived, how she should view it, etc might help. If she's shy, she may relate better to books than that one on one stuff.

btw, my mom looks very different from me. People used to be shocked she was my mom (I'm AA, mom is a mutt-native american, white, and ?). It was stressful, but hey, it was life. There was no place to hide from it.Adults could see the resemblance, kids couldn't get past the skin color/hair color issue. Funny, but no one said anything bad, just "noticed", which was bad enough. I spend my entire childhood hoping to blend into the background, to not stand out, just to be unnoticed. Unfortunately that isn't my personality (too demanding and so not shy), so it was just a fantasy.

You might also want to schedule some hang out together time after the party, so you can reconnect after the event. she may feel like talking and sharing her experience.

(((hugs))) I know the anxiety is probably much more difficult for you in many ways. Hard to sit back and send loved ones out into the world. good luck.

I look forward to reading the other comments you'll receive.

Lisa

[echaos]

bjolly, I don't really have an answer, but I hope that it works out well for you.

Because my son came to us as a newborn, he is growing up never knowing anything but having a 2 mum family. But I too worry about how he will deal with "outing" his situation as time goes on.

Let us know how you make out.

[Deanna&Alex]

She wants us both to take her to the party, but I don't think she realizes that she will get questions then about having 2 moms.

Sounds to me like she is a smart little 10 year-old and because she wants both of you to take her maybe she want's to get the questions out of the way and deal with it. She's already received questions about the cc mom issue... maybe she's just ready to finish off the questions about the 2 mom issue and get on with her new happy life. Good luck, let us know how it goes.

[Lexie]

I would say that is probably has not escaped your daughter that the 2 mom thing---is a thing. She needs to deal with it and she wants you both there to support her. I thinks its great that she is proud of you and her family and even though I am sure she knows it might be an issue for some people--she doesn't want to hide her family. I would definitely go. I am sure you know how to make people feel comfortable who are not used to the idea of 2 moms. It may be good for her to see you and your partner mingle and be yourselves even if there are a few people that need help adjusting---it will show her how to be herself and be comfortable being different too.

Good luck--
Lexie

[redhedded]

Bjolly, The best advice was given by Lexie. That was a great post! I hope that you all go and have a wonderful time and am sure that you both will give her many opportunities to talk about her feelings, pre and post party. BTW, I am sure that all of the love and strength that you two give her will enable her to become more confident in making friends. Best to all of you.