[janej]

I have heard several people (from forums and in real life) say that they want to adopt even though they can have a biological child because there are so many babies out there that need a home. And they want to help.

Now I just smile when people say this but I have to say that I don't agree with this. As I research adoption agencies and talk to many people from all kinds of websites I quickly realize that there are far more parents than there are babies. I have to say that I am starting to look at agencies that want you to be infertile. I know I will get a lot of grieve over this post but I had to say something. I think adoption is a wonderful thing but think about all of the infertile couples that are waiting forever to get a baby. Now, if you took out all of the waiting couples that can have biological children the couples who can't have one would have a better chance at adopting. I am sorry if this makes waves but I wanted other peoples feelings on this.

[echaos]

That's a very interesting view... one I have not heard of before. Do you feel that this applies only to people adopting newborns domestically? Or does it apply to people adopting older kids from foster care or from orphanges in other countries?

[spaypets]

Unfortunately you are looking at only a narrow demographic when you say that there are more parents than children. I assume you are talking about domestic newborn adoption.

Speaking as someone who adopted internationally, let me assure you that there are LOTS of children who remain behind in orphanages. Furthermore, there are children in the United States who are in foster care awaiting forever families.

Also, do not underestimate the very real moral value held by some that there are already too many people in the world straining for too few resources and that it is wrong to bring more children into the world no matter what one's fertility status is.

[Volfe]

Besides, it's not your fertility (or not-fertility) that makes a good parent. I'd want the agencies (and children) to have the best parents available.

Maia

[skootinalong2]

There are a lot of children who need homes. Talk to Children's Services in your area. They are usually older children or children with special needs. Not many people are willing to take an older child or a child with special needs, so they wait for a home. Most people want infants or children 3 and under. They don't want drug and alcohol exposed babies or a history of mental illness in the bfamily. There are more children than there are homes, but only because there are so few homes willing to take "special needs" children. This post is strictly FYI. I am not saying that your feeling are not valid. I am not saying that they are right or wrong. Feelings are just what they are. I wish you luck in your adoption journey.
God establishes and builds our families in many ways. Adoption is not only for the infertile.

Teralyn
mother of 2 bio and 2 adopted children

[Nevada Jen]

While I can certainly see the point of the first post I have to disagree on a number of levels. There are many families awaiting perfect white newborns. I think there are not enough for every other variety of child. If we limit adoption to only infertile couples all the others may not even consider adoption. Moreover, I think that birthmothers deserve a choice in the kind of family they want to raise their child. My family would not be elligible because we are not infertile but rather carry a recessive genetic disease that would likely be passed on to any future children, the same goes for same sex couples and people for whom it is dangerous to carry a child. Finally, I am fed up with doctors and having to share my personal information with people. This would add one more hurdle.

It is important to have choice. Its good that you have the ability to choose an agency that does requires infertility because that is important to you. Its good that I have the ability to find one that does not require infertility but will still allow me to adopt an infant.

Jen

[sissyminsky]

My husband and I are fertile - as far as we know. However, my doctor has strongly recommended that I not get pregnant due to other medical conditions. I do not view myself as infertile. I know that some of the feelings I have are similar, but I never have considered or gone through many of the procedures others have.

I can honestly understand being frustrated when you see other people being pregnant. I could even understand how it could be hard to see other couples adopt before you have found your darling bundle of joy.

But, honestly, how arrogant to think that you deserve a baby because you are infertile and that others like myself should not adopt or not have the opportunity to parent a newborn.

Even people who are medically able to have children should have every right to adopt. Anyone who is willing to go through homestudy, pay the fees, play the anxious waiting game, and deal with others' misconceptions about adoption has nothing to prove to me.

Do you think fertile couples are trying to steal babies and children away from infertile couples?!?

[alwaysus]

My husband and I have had 5 biological kids, have adopted once and are in the process of adopting again. I actually had a woman tell me that I am " being greedy" and that I should let a childless couple adopt this baby. WOW ! talk about guilt feelings!
I don't think the original poster meant that fertile couples are secretly trying to steal babies and children away from infertile couples. I think she very politely stated her opinion and her feelings. While some may not agree with her( then again, some might) we do have to respect her opinion.


Lana

[Rivkadr]

My husband and I are not infertile, and we are choosing to adopt, mainly because I am not interested in carrying a child and going through labor, and because we sincerely believe that adding more children to an overburdened world isn't appropriate (for us). Of course, I come from a family where I am the youngest of 9, and have 17 nieces and nephews...my family has spread its genes well enough, and I don't feel the need to do so myself.

We have chosen international adoption for many reasons, but one of the reasons is that we don't feel tied to the idea of having an American-born child, whereas some people do feel that need. Rather than take that opportunity away from someone else by doing domestic ourselves, we're fine with going through the international adoption process. I think the original poster's point may be somewhat valid for domestic adoptions, but it doesn't hold much water for international -- there are many, many children overseas that need parents, and we're happy to have the opportunity to someday parent one (or two!) of those children.

[shougmom]

My husband and I had undiagnosed infertility and then went on to conceive two children. After the first two we decided to adopt. We adopted our two little boys from South Korea. They were both waiting for families before we contacted the agency. This past Oct. we adopted a perfectly healthy newborn baby girl. How were selfish people like us chosen when there are so many deserving people like yourself waiting for a baby you might ask? Hmmmm... that's easy, our beautiful perfect daughter is biracial and her birth mother was waiting to be matched. In fact our fees were lowered because our precious child is, "of color". She is the most beautiful- perfect baby in the entire world to our family, yet isn't good enough for someone else?!!?! If you think that people like us are taking all of the children, maybe you should take a better look around you. BTW/ I have been on birth control through our three adoptions just in case, beause we were meant to add to our family through the miracle of adoption and have been incredibly blessed!

Jennifer (a pi--ed off, fertile momma of five beautiful children though birth and adoption)

[kelleymac]

I am one part of an infertile couple, and I'm dismayed by this post. I think this thinking crosses a fundamental line that I'm not comfortable crossing. What it comes down to is that I don't want anyone dictating my choices in building a family, therefore why should I have the right to dictate theirs?

I would never presume to ask an otherwise fertile couple to not adopt so that I could. Besides, what is the definition of fertility? If you don't have to do AI? If you don't need clomid? If you can get pregnant in one year and not two?

Everyone has their reason to want to adopt a child. Other posters have listed many, for me it was not just infertility (I wanted to adopt ALL my kids, but my husband wanted to try for a bio first child and adopt the rest...little did we know it wouldn't happen for us in quite that way! ) it was also that adoption is a standard thing in both my husband's and my family. I am no more or less worthy of being a parent by adoption than anyone else is.

Kelley

[Bassette]

Originally Posted by janej

As I research adoption agencies and talk to many people from all kinds of websites I quickly realize that there are far more parents than there are babies.

I think this is only true in the case of domestic CC newborns. Although I respect your thoughts I do not think that infertile couples should have priority over fertile couples. Each family shoud have a right to make decisions in how they grow their family.

I encourage you to research international adoption if you find domestic adoption distressing. I certainly understand your frustration and this is one of many reasons why we sought an international program.

[LisaCA]

as others have said, I think your statements are based on a narrow perspective, that of white domestic adoptions. Frankly, fewer folks want kids like my daughter, who is black, not "biracial" or "multiracial" or whatever term you want to use. And my daughter's birthfamily had specific requests that were harder to meet, that they wanted dd placed with black parents. So maybe in a white world where there's a shortage of white babies for white adoptive parents, but not in this world. This world is a tad more complex.

I grieve for those who aren't able to fulfill their dreams. I would prefer that birthparents make the decisions on aparents for their child, and if they prefer to place their child with an infertile couple-great! If they don't care, that's fine too.

yeah you'll get some grief, but only because your assumptions are wrong.

[Poolside]

well Jane, looks like you stumbled into a bees nest with your very first post. I suspect it is just a frustrating process and a short-cut would be ideal. This is genarlly a very supportive group and easy to vent to, but this topic is very sticky.

Jennifer has a good point. There are enough children for all of us if we open our hearts to ANY child. It can feel like a competition at first, but it's not. Your child is looking for exactly you and your family, not the others. Have faith, and allow all of us to adopt as we are led..

Good luck on your journey to adopt.

[Emster]

Prior to entering into this process, I, too, had LOTS of misconceptions about what adoption is and isn't, (and may still have some as we wait to be chosen for a special little one). Same rang true for my family. My mother became so angry (out of love for us, no doubt) when she saw the profiles of others in our agency who already had children (how DARE they??). I had to come to a point to calmly let her know that I was okay with that--that they had just as much right to build their families through adoption as we did, and that some birth families prefer to choose adoptive families with children so their babies grow up with siblings. Although sometimes its somewhat bothersome, we all are put in the delicate position to try to educate others on the process and where we are within it. Same as we all do for each other here on this site...I have learned so much from browsing and reading and participating in discussions with all of you that many of my own views have changed. The original poster may well learn some things as well if she is encouraged to stick around and be a part of what's happening here on the boards. I saw a few posters who were obviously angered by her perspective and let it be known--just remember that it takes time to change opinions, and I'd rather be educated kindly than angrily.