[bdancer12]

After 5 long years of struggling to have kids and 2 years of being in adoption pool, my brother (who was adopted himself) and his wife finally were chosen a few weeks ago. This past weekend, the baby was born and my brother proudly took the baby home. I've never seen the 2 of them happier and more at peace. After 2 days home, the birth parents reversed course and decided to parent their child and my brother had to take the child back.

I'm at a loss of what to do or say, they are devestated, demoralized and feel hopeless. I'm angry, confused and heartbroken (probably not to even 1/8 of the degree they are). I feel lucky that I have 2 beautiful little girls and guilty at the same time. I apologize for this sob story - but I happened upon this site and just need to express my feelings where I could.

[honu]

You're a really good Sister, I'm so sorry for this loss in your family. I have not experienced this particular type of loss, but many others here have. All I can say is just be there for them and offer your shoulder. I can't imagine how difficult it all must be for your Brother and his wife. Maybe after a little while you could offer this site to them, it really helps to have the support of everyone here. This group is the best and we all help each other to feel stong.

[Mom2J]

bdancer12,

I agree with Honu. Please, send the link of the forum to your brother and sister-in-law. It will help them know, there are many people out here that are in the adoption community that are ready, willing, and able to help support them through this difficult time. There are people here that have been in their shoes also.

It's very difficult to see family members hurting, especially a sibling that seems to have gotten their heart ripped out. They are going to be grieving for the loss of their child and that's truly how you'll need to approach it. Just be there to support and love them.

My prayers are with them,
Mom2J

[Casey677]

I am VERY happy to see your post. We had a little guy in our arms for three days in October before his mom decided to parent.

Because our adoption was an out of state one, no one in our families got to meet him. Very few people congratulated us and almost no one (outside of immediate family) told us they we sorry when it fell apart. We REALLY needed their support and we felt like we didn't get it.

The best thing that you can do is to be there for them. Hold them while they cry. Encourage them to talk about their little one and look at pictures. Make sure everyone in your family is just as supportive. They are greiving big time right now. And their grief is very real.

Also.... please encourage them to get back on this adoption rollercoaster when they are ready. It is hard, but please don't let them give up.

[tlynn777]

I just want to chime in to agree...


We had a failed placement, and sometimes the worst part was feeling abandoned by our friends and (sometimes) even our family. The reality was that it was an awful situation (the baby was with us, all told, for 14 months, and 4 before we even knew there was potentially a problem). And I know people were just at a loss for what to say in the face of something so terrible and new. Still, it felt horrible because on top of everthing else, we felt like we had to "protect" our friends and family by not talking about it and not reaching out to them since they were so uncomfortable.

I don't know that there's really any perfect thing to say or do. I do know, though, that a good thing would be to show your willingness to talk about it, and to stick with them as a witness to their pain, and to even share your own with them. I mean, you can tell them that you don't know what to say, but that you're not just willing to listen, but that you genuinely want to. (Of course you do...this baby was potentially going to be a member of your family too! While they certainly need to do their own grieving, it might be helpful and comforting for them to know that you grieve with them.)

It sounds like you'll have no problem being respectful of their space and needs. It also sounds like you're courageous enough to help them when they need you. I'm so glad you have each other during this difficult time.

--Tricia