[robin_a22]

I'd like to know if anyone out there has experienced a failed placement?
My husband, two children, and I have recently gone through a tough time after experiencing a failed placement. I've found several websites that offer support to birthmothers who choose to keep their children, but very few that offer help or insight to the prospective adoptive families that ultimately lose the expectation of a child. The most I've come up with are ways to cope with greif.

I'd really like to hear from anyone who has experienced this aspect of the adoption process.

[mroot]

Robin - I think you will find a lot of folks on this forum who have experienced failed placements. This is a great place with great people who are very supportive of each other!

We just experienced one this month after only being matched for a week. Although we were thankful we were early in the process and didn't know the sex of the child, we had already fallen in love with the mere idea of him/her. It was a heartache, no two ways about it, but we are fortunate to have our precious three year old son who we adopted at birth in a near perfect domestic adoption. We just have to keep believing that our second baby is out there somewhere and just have to hold on until he or she finds us! I am truly sorry that you have experienced this as well. Please feel free to pm me anytime!

[All Boys]

robin,

I am soooo sorry for what you are going through...
We experienced a failed match back in 2003.. But never felt that it was meant to be... So I know that God had prepared us...

I know there are alot of others on this board that have experienced what you are going through... If you will scroll down to the bottom of the screen, you will see other threads that you can go to and read about others situtations on their failed placements...

You will be in our prayers...

[honu]

I just wanted to give you my support and let you know you've come to the right place, this is a great bunch!

We personally have had a failed placement, but not with a baby, instead a sib group that was placed with their Aunt.

Just know you're absolutely not alone.

[mamacrina]

(((((Robin)))))
I too am deeply sorry to hear you have experienced the pain of a failed placement. I don't really know of any other sites besides this forum, but this board has been a source of great comfort.

I have had 2 failed matches, one in December, and one last month. The last one really hit us hard, and to be perfectly honest...we are still reeling from it. Talking it over with others who have been there helps a lot. Some days, you just want to scream at the unfairness of it all...and you can do that here.

If you need to talk more in private and need an ear, please do not hesitate to pm me. I will send you a pm with my email addy.

Many hugs,Crina

[robin_a22]

I'd like to thank all of you for answering so quickly.

I'm sure you've read one horror story after another about failed adoptions, but I feel so used. We put out a lot for our bmom and travel half way around the world for her(we're military stationed overseas). She continues to ask for our emotional support and I'm starting to feel angry that she's not thinking of our feelings. I don't want to vent on and on about our situation...I'm just looking for some direction. My husband wants to quit the adoption process all together because of this and I'm not sure how we can move on if we're both feeling so hurt. Usually one of us is strong and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.....

[DebCsMom]

We were matched with a PBMom back in 2001. On January 9,2002 a BEAUTIFUL baby boy was born. DH & I were with her for almost all of the 42 hours of labor. I helped as her labor coach. I cut his cord & handed him to his Mother. For the next 2 1/2 days he was "our" son. We named him Checobe Noah Lee. At the last minute, she changed her mind.

I was alone at the time. PBMom had told my DH to go & get our other children so they could be with their brother. It was a 3hour drive there & back. He was on his way back when it all happened. I was in another room when he arrived just a very short time after it all happened. When our children were wisked into a room with the hospital Social worker & DH was wisked into the room with me.

After we all talked, ALL cried, even the SW, DH asked to go in & talk to PBMom. She agreed. DH told her how brave she was. That we would be all right, that she had to do what she felt was right for not just herself, but for the baby. He told her that she had to become responsible now, to live each day to it's fullest & to love her son to no end. He gave the most amazing talk to her that the SW was in tears & could not believe he could say all he did. I guess DH & PBMom then hugged & cried & said goodbye.

For me I felt as though our son had died. I knew he wasn't ours to grieve over, but for those 2 1/2 days I was his Mommy...in my heart, in my dreams, in every breath! It took awhile to move on & to not be scared to try again. In fact, when we were ready In late June & actually got the call a week later about a possible match, I froze & told our atorney "NO! I'm not ready" Well not even 2 weeks later we were holding our daughter in our arms!!!! She is now almost 3 years old.

I still remember his Birthday & wonder what he is doing, how he is doing, what he looks like, how his Mom is doing. I called once a couple months later to ask if it was alright to send them all the pictures I had taken of his birth & those couple days after his birth. I had taken SOOOO many pictures of him with his Mom & family. I wanted those pictures to be for him to have. It was only right that she have them. Those were a special time with him those first couple days.

It will never go away but it does get better. You feel like it is wrong to feel like that, but it is normal to grieve those dreams we had for the child we thought was ours.

You will feel better one day. (((((HUGS)))))

Deb

[Casey677]

(((((((hugs))))))))

Ours is a painful club and I hate that there are so many members. On October 25th, 2004 a beautiful little boy was placed in our arms. We named him Ethan Samuel and for three of the best days of our lives, he was ours. I put his first diaper on him, gave him his first bottle. It was a little slice of heaven.

The grief we felt when his mom decided to parent was very intense. It has been six months and there is still the occaisional day when I start to cry when I think about it all.

If you need someone to talk to, please know that I am here.

Casey

[T&T]

Originally Posted by robin_a22

I'm just looking for some direction. My husband wants to quit the adoption process all together because of this and I'm not sure how we can move on if we're both feeling so hurt. Usually one of us is strong and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.....

I can so sympathize with your pain, confusion and need for direction. I am so sorry that you and DH have experienced a failed adoption. We too have had to come to terms with a failed adoption, and like you we question whether we have the fortitude to continue much longer.

Last summer we were matched with a beautiful little girl. It was our understanding that both the bmom and Bf were in total agreement that we should be her adoptive family. They allowed us to name her, we chose Faith, and we asked them to chose a middle name, which they did. Still we were concerned, so every time DH and I spoke to our agency, we asked is this still a go? We were repeatedly told yes. The day after the baby was born, (the bmom requested that she and her parents be the only one present for the birth), we took our excited 5 year old daughter to go meet our newest family member. Our daughter fell instantly in love, there was no doubt that she claimed that baby as her sister. It has been agreed by all that we would not take placement until trp had been signed. Until then, the baby would be temporarily placed with one of our agency's foster families. When we left the hospital, she openly cried because she did not want the baby to be alone (she knew that the bmom had been released) We took pictures, shot video tape, held and fed while she melted our hearts. The birthparents asked if we would be willing to order picture because they each wanted only one, but not any more than that. We agreed, feeling like it was the least we could do. Two days later the Bf stated that he had lied to not only the agency, but he had never told his mother about the pregnancy. Needless to say, everything started to change when he stated that he now wanted to parent her. The Bmom and her family were besides themselves, they desperately wanted us to adopt her. In the end we walked away, we could not continue to ride the rollercoaster that they were erecting. Our only saving grace was that we never took immediate placement. Still even though she never made it into our home, she made it into our hearts. I think of her often, and find myself making a mental note of just how old she is each month. I wonder if I will ever stop doing that.

In the end, we had to sit down and look into the innocent eyes of our 5 year old daughter, and tell her that we would not be bringing the baby home, that she would not get to be the big sister to that baby girl. Having to do that and listen to my little girl sob truly broke my heart into a million pieces. It is by far one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. It's one thing that my husband and I were hurt, but what upset me more than anything was that our daughter's heart was broken. As for the pictures, we asked our agency to make sure that they would not be sent to our house. Much to my dismay, the pictures did arrive C.O.D. and I had to refuse them. It was like someone hammering the nail into our coffin.

We have tried to stay hopeful, and just last month we got our profile up and running on 3 adoption websites. And yet, 8 months later we have yet to be matched again. We are feeling so spent and like you it is hard to even know if the light is at the end of the tunnel. The one thing that I have taken comfort in are these forums. It has been wonderful to connect with other people that understand so many of my feelings. As much as my friends offer support there are times that I feel like they are simply sick of hearing me talk about our adoption dilemmas. Then there are also the people who don't know how to respond to my pain, so they politely change the subject. At least here in these forums, no one does that, people are willing to let you express your feelings, whether they be good or bad (or even long winded like this post, sorry eveyone, guess I had a lot to get off my chest!!). As Casey said, "Ours is a painful club", but at least try to take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. We are here for you whenever you need us, let us help you find some comfort and strength.

Here's to wishing all of us in the "failed placement club" much joy in the near future!!

Tracey

[Poolside]

Robin, You've found a great support site here. Many of us have experienced the agonies of a failed placement and truly empathize with you. The sadness can be so heavy some days. You're not alone with your grief.

** read the recent string WHEN TO CUT BAIT WITH BMOM!! It has a happy ending

Thoughts and hugs being sent your way.

[chrisandaaron]

Robin- I'm so sorry you guys are going through this! I suggest reading through the March/April adoption thread. It is lovingly becoming known as the tread of "second chances." I think you find lots of people who have been through difficult failed matches/placements. But as you read on you will hopefully get renewed hope when you see how many had new successful situations (very quickly)!

Hope that helps a little!
Chris

[Momoffive1966]

I agree...

[shougmom]

My heart goes out to your family as you grieve this recent loss. In May of 2004 we recieved a call out of no where that my nineteen year old cousin had hid a pregnancy, delivered a healthy baby girl and wanted us to immediately adopt her without anyone in our family knowing where the baby came from. This situation was a recipe for disaster, but our heart's could not accept that as we fell in love with a beautiful baby girl. Our attoney, pastor and the hospital SW all felt certain that this truly was what the birth mother wanted and that we would be taking the baby home with very little risk. We had our baby girl home for three days when her birthmother changed her mind. Our four children were absolutely devastated and became hysterical when we placed her back in her birth mother's arms. I wanted to die. This was a pain that I never could have imagined. Seeing the grief in my husband's eyes as he cried and said that he was so sad that this little girl wouldn't have a daddy and holding my eight year old son as he cried himself to sleep was just unbearable. I also felt guilty as I irrationally believed at the time that my desire to mother another child had brought this grief into my home.

Time helped to heal my family and also we were able to find hope and joy as we jumper right in and signed up with a facilitator. Our story has a happy ending... Our beautiful daughter Aliah was placed into our arms twelve hours after birth in Oct. of 04 and is turning six months old this week.

[tlynn777]

Robin--

It's such a difficult thing. The best thing I can say is to be gentle with yourself and your family.

My partner and I had a baby girl placed with us through a state agency. Her bmother has a difficult history, and the baby had a number of medical challenges. When she was finally ready to leave the hospital, her mother never came back for her. When she was placed with us, we asked all the right questions, I think, and the GAL was clear and honest with us about the possibilities as they searched for the bfather. Still, they thought they'd never find him--he had an extremely common name that they thought was made up. They did locate him, and although he was unable to care for the baby, he designated a relative to care for her.

Even then everyone told us not to worry, that many relatives change their mind once they see what's involved. This woman didn't change her mind, however.

In the end, the baby was with us for 14 months before all the paperwork was finished to remove her from our home and place her with her relative. All the while we went through cycles of disbelief and saddness and anger, fighting it, then resigning ourselves, then pretending it wasn't happening, then fighting it all over again. It nearly killed us, I think, and only the realities of having to care for that beautiful little girl who needed us kept us going.

Even though we knew it was coming, we couldn't really stop our hearts from loving her. In the end, though, I think that's one of the things that saved us...knowing that we did everything we could to care for her and love her while she was with us. Honestly, I hated it when people said that we should be proud of all we'd done to give her a good start. I just thought "so what? She's never going to have the life we'd intended for her." (I'm biased, of course, but I'm really unhappy about the situation she's in now. And yes, I wonder at times where she is and what she's doing and who she's growing up to be.) But all that's out of my control. What was in my control--our time with her--I feel really good about.

And while I have a hard time saying anything "good" came out of what was a horrible situation in so many ways (even beyond losing her), the redemptive part was being with my partner through it all. I've never seen such courage and integrity and humanity in all my life. I don't think many people do, and I certainly doubt I ever will again. I'm so grateful to have witnessed it.

So my advice, if you want it, is to really be gentle with each other and yourselves. Do what makes you feel good without guilt. Grieve without guilt. And take a minute to see yourself and your husband in a new way. It's one that's inspired by pain, for sure, but its forms are nonetheless miraculous for having come through something so sad and so profound.

All my best wishes for peace,

Tricia

[amom4life]

Robin~
We had two failed adoptions in 2004. The first was the most painful. I had spent quite a bit of time with the expectant mother, she had me, dh and our 16 yr old daughter in the delivery room with her...so we not only saw the baby boy come into the world, she had us name him, be the first to hold him...then the following morning she changed her mind. We were devasted especially since she had made it clear over and over that she was not in a position to raise the child. What changed her mind was manipulation from her family to keep him because he was a boy rather than the girl we had all thought she was having. This was early Dec.

Then the day before Christmas Eve we got another call about another baby boy who had just been born in Texas and we would need to fly to Texas on Christmas Eve!! Yikes! Anyway we scurried around getting everthing in place...just as we were about to leave for the airport our facilator called to say she was keeping the baby due to pressure from her mother. She was living with her mother and she told her not to come home without the baby...she had nothing and nowhere to go so she finally gave in.

Now for some encouragement...Less than 1 moth later in Jan we got the call about our son, he was already born and we needed to leave right then to go get him!

We never did take a break we just jumped right back in and we're so glad we did! I really believe this helped in our healng process.

We also got the call for our second son this Jan. So our boys are exactly 1 yr. and 2 weeks apart!!
HuGs!
Judy