[ellemeth]

I just got the news that my second daughter's mother had her baby. She had a hard pregnancy and an emergency c-section but she and baby are home and doing well. I had mixed feelings when I found out she was pregnant but I was worried about her health and am glad things turned out okay for her.

I bought a "congrats on your new additon!" card to send out through the agency (a ponderous process but that's semi-open for you) for her. I saw this adorable gift set in the store when I was buying the card. Would it be appropriate for me to send a gift for baby? Or shoudl I stick with the card? Or not even send that?

I'm always very afraid of doign the wrong thing with her. She seems very insecure and I trip over her insecurities all of the time but I want to get this right. I'm terrified that she will cut off contact now that the baby is born.

[cynthia900]

Ellen,

I would love it if my daughter's birthmom sent me a card or gift on the adoption of my next. I certainly hope that she maintains contact and am sorry that you are unsure - that must be very difficult. I can't put myself in the place of your relationship but I can tell you that for me I can't possibly see any reason to change contact simply because I had a bio child.

Hugs to you

[sugarbabysmommy]

I'd be thrilled to get a gift like you describe from my child's birthmother. Thrilled. I also can't imagine cutting off contact if I had a second child and that child was biological. But I must admit, I can't imagine having a boilogical chlid. I hope one day you are able to communicate directly with one another, even if it still remains semi, removing the barrier of the agency in your correspondence might help remove some of the emotional barriers in the relationship.

[ellemeth]

I would love to have direct contact. We've had three visits that have been fun and we've been able to exchange things (christmas presents, pictures) that didn't have to go through the agency's screening process. They have my direct contact info but all I have for her is an email address which is how we arrange visits, though I uses that phrase loosely because mostly she arranges a place/time for visits and I agree to show up with my daughter.

I've decided to take it as a positive sign that sh eactually called my cell phone wiht the news of the baby even if she did do it from a blocked number. but I'm still not sure hether sending one of those cute baby gift sets woudl be appropriate. I want to send one. I enjoy buying and sending presents but I'm not sure how well it woudl be received.

[wanttobeparents]

If it's a gift you feel is special, send it with the card you picked out.

I wouldn't want a gift I felt was sent out of obligation (and it doesn't sound like this is). I would love something that was a "I saw this and thought it was perfect!" . It would be something very special to me.

I hope your relationship gets more comfortable in the future. Worrying about whether or not an adoption will close is not fun.

Peggy

[sugarbabysmommy]

I also think that her calling you is positive. The blocked number may not be about you at all. Our number is blocked, even my cell, and I have a very open adoption.

[HappyTwinsMom]

We have an open relationship with our daughters' birthmom, so exchanging gifts doesn't seem strange. She just had a little boy last month and I sent a box of baby clothes for her and a book entitled "We Have A New Baby At Our House...And I'm The Big Sister!" for the daughter she is raising.

I say...go with your heart. If you want to send something special, do it!

[ellemeth]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I picked up the gift set. I's called a memory set. It has a hand and foot print set, some cute frames, a book that you can write in the child's name as the main character, and a birth through 5 years memory book. It and two outfits I just couldn't resist will go to the agency tommorrow to be inspected, adressed, and mailed.

I'm hoping that she won't be upset by the gifts. They're not any different than I've sent to cousins or co-workers with new babies. But I can't always predict her reactions and her feelings about the pregnancy and new baby are alien to me.