[Emster]

Well, yesterday my cell phone rang from our agency for the first time, but my heart is broken...we are looking to adopt an infant. Its what my dh and I agreed on from the beginning.

The call was regarding a sib group of three young ones, all two years apart--no infants. Beautiful, healthy, as well adjusted as possible. Not removed from their home, just being placed out of necessity. They need stability and parents who will be there.

First reaction--EEK! THREE!!
Second reaction--I can see them all playing with my neices and nephews this summer, going swimming, how to register in school, how to keep contact with their family so far away that they know and love, how to get furniture on short notice, the cost of daycare with three...all the pictures were already entering my head. Hadn't spoken with dh yet, but this was certainly DOABLE somehow.

Went to talk with dh and he had already pretty much made up his mind before we were able to touch base. We can't do it, its not what we wanted, agreed upon. I want to make an impact on an infant. They are too old, it's not for us...etc.

It would not be fair for me to insist on something this huge if both of us are not on board--but saying no to this situation makes me question my Christian values--how could we say no to this? What kind of people are we??

Then through our discussion I learn that dh still believes that we will somehow miraculously conceive on our own at some point (after 11 yrs ofmarriage, enough infert. tx that we know we didn't want to proceed with more, and me feeling as if there was a closure on that idea). Maybe we will, but facts are, I'm not getting younger, and if history is any indication of the future--it just ain't happenin'--lets get real! Apparently things aren't as settled for him as I thought...

So today I am sad for so many reasons. Thanks for listening. I'm hoping our next phone call from the agency brings better news.

[BabyHope]

Emster, I just wanted to give you some encouragement that you did the right thing. I know it was a hard decision to have to make. I've been there myself. We also want an infant. And, I felt the same way when we said no to possible matches that weren't right for us. I felt guilty for saying no. And like you said, if we are good Christians how can we say no. But if the situation isn't right for you, it's not fair to you and your husband, and the kids. The kids will find the family they were meant to be with.

I hope you feel better soon about this. You will bring home the baby that is meant to be with you. I will pray that you get a call soon from your agency with good news, and a better match for you. Do you mind if I ask how long you have been waiting? Try to stay positive! It will happen!

[honu]

Just wanted to give you my support. The whole adoption experience can be very emotional at times. I've been having a rough week myself, it's just not easy, but as they say anything worth having is not easy, right? Just know we're here for you, I hope the next call you get is about your baby. We had a couple of calls with situations not right for us either, it is difficult to turn them down, definitely not something anyone warned us about in the beginning. Now that we know though, we know it's okay to say no and that someone else out there does want the ones we decide we cannot parent. Sorry I'm not great with words, but I think you get my point. Keep on believing your child is out there.

[amom4life]

Hi~
Just wanted to encourage you that Just because a situation is presented to you it doesn't necessarily mean that is the one God has for you and turning it down shouldn't make you question your Christianity. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean that you shouldn't prayfully make choices and not tackle everything and anything that comes along.
HuGs!
Judy

[donemberc]

Em, Hang in there. I truly believe that you usually get called on a situation right before the real thing happens. It is to prepare you for the real thing that is just around the corner. That has happened to us both times. It has happend to my friends as well. You just watch. I'll bet the right one is so close. Just wait and see.
~Em

[LisaCA]

hi,

we had several calls before we felt dd was the right one. we agreed that we both had to be on board 100% before we went forward. It meant that there were several situations that would have worked for one of us, but not both. We also agreed that the other could say no with no retribution or pressure. I think this is the best thing that you can do, since it's best for your marriage as well as the child(ren) you bring into your life.

I still think about these children, remember their situations and names (those that had them), but I know we did the right thing.

adoption is sometimes hard.

lisa

[Guspiv]

I know it must be hard, I dont think you should question your Christian values if you say no to a situation that really won't work. You would want to welcome these boys into a family that was able to give them their all. From my experience and people I talked to, every call from the agency we ladies are ready to say yes to, I mean how could you say no to a helpless child? But it is helpful to have a hubby who can help you stick to your guns a bit. We did have to loosen some of our "requirements" a little, but it is helpful to have someone who is not just dealing with their heart. Parenting is a lifelong journey, you wouldnt want to take on a situation you both are 100% on board for.
Good Luck

[Emster]

You guys are awesome--thanks for your kind words and sharing your experiences as well. I am feeling soemwhat better today. Yesterday was so rough because I was at work when all that was happening, and didn't feel like I really could TALK to anyone about it--I chose one person, and it turned out to be the wrong one. Not helpful at all...but you guys always come through!

Thanks again!

[cubbiegirl]

And see..that is exactly the situation I would take if offered. So just because you pass a situation up, it doesn't mean that you are doing a bad thing. You could be helping those kids end up in their forever home with someone is is desperately looking for older siblings.

[Overwhelmed!]

Em- I just wanted to offer my support. I'm sure turning down that situation was very difficult but it really is important that both you and your husband be on the same page about a match. If not, it could be disastrous!

Oddly enough, after being matched with Jacob's birth mother, we were contacted by a friend of DH's mother and asked to adopt a little girl that was due 2 months before Jacob was due. DH and I talked long and hard about that unexpected call...could we adopt both babies? What if we said yes to one, no to the other, and then had the one we chose fall through? How would we feel?

In the end, we both agreed that we felt a real connection to Jacob's birth mother and she was trusting us, so we weren't going to do anything to jeopardize that relationship, come what may. We said, "No thank you" to the little girl and continued on with our adoption plan for Jacob. It was a risk. It was even hard hearing in October that the little girl was born healthy, that a couple in another state adopted her, and that the adoption went through without a hitch.

Thankfully, all went according to plan when Jacob was born in December and we were entrusted with a beautiful, healthy little boy whom we love beyond belief!

With this personal experience, I learned that sometimes you have to say "No" so that you're available and prepared when the perfect match arrives!

Hang in there and keep us posted on your adoption journey!

[dina62]

Emster -
Your post was great, as I experienced the exact same thing this week and went thru the exact same thoughts!

We too had an opportunity regarding 2 boys under 2 - and I just prayed my heart out for clarity on whether we should do it or not. When I found out more details, it wasn't right for us, and I am now okay with that, but after much deliberation and questioning as a Christian was this what I was meant to do and were these kids for me? I truly believe if God wants you to have those kids you will know it. Not to say you might not be completely comfortable or scared stiff when it does - but I think somehow someway He will make it happen, atleast that is my hope.

I know my call gave me some hope, that calls happen - and my husband said it gave him a sense of urgency and a sense of reality of what we'd need to do when the right situation happens. Although, do you have that fear you won't get another call??? Ugh, this is tough.

Perhaps a warmup call for us for the right situation.

[HeatherDawn]

I am glad I read this today, Saturday marked the one month date of having to give back our baby girl. On this same day my sister rang me to tell me there was an 18 month boy who was here having surgery for a condition and they needed to find a family soon, there is much more to the story, but my husband and I didn't feel \100% because of this boys special needs, etc. I struggled with thinking maybe God wants us to do it and maybe we should, the bottom line there is already another family lined up, we close the door to this, but I am told another one will open, and this was a sure struggle. And it conjured a whole mess of feelings, so I know what you are going through...my DH was more of the decision factor on this situation also....good things for us are about to come, time is on our side.

[Emster]

I am so sorry Heather, to hear about your last placement. I can't imagine how that must have felt. As you can see from the other posts, we are not alone in how we feel about the "what if" children. I'm sure we will all receive more of the calls we hate to turn down, but like someone else posted, each call brings us closer to the child we will eventually call our own.