[Nevada Jen]

Let me first start by saying I love my husband very much. Keep that in mind as I rip him to shreads. We are doing our homestudy homework and he is not moving along. At all. He pretty much refuses to answer the questions. There are a lot of them and they require detailed essay answers. Second, we have to read three books. I am a voracious reader and have to say that these books are HARD reading. My husband is the slowest reader in the world.

He is totally excited for the adoption. Its not that he would not be a good faither, its that this process requires him to be someone he is not, namely, someone who talks and someone who reads. He is slowing me down!!

Anyone else faced this problem? How did you handle it?

Jen

[DianeScraps]

Oh I Definitely understand! Luckily we didnt have any 'required' reading but getting the questions/ essays done was like pulling teeth. Bascially the issue w/ my hubby was that he didn't like the personal nature of the questions and found many of them inappropriate. But I plugged away with him and we got it done.

Best wishes

Diane

[ddhuab]

and he HATES reading or writing anything because the reading part generally takes him a long time, and he also doesn't like to write and feels very self-concious. Actually, he does have to write a lot of documents for work, but they are very technical in nature.

Fortunately, we did not have to read anything for our homestudy -- which was good. For one, I (who am also a voracious reader) had read about six books in full, and had skimmed probably ten more in order to research adoption and determine which route we wanted to take... and through it all I would report on what I had found each evening (and find out more answers when he had more questions).

Anyway, from the very first our sw had told us that we could feel free to type up the answers for our autobiography and print them out. So, I typed up all the questions and saved two files (one for me, and one for him). Then after I had completed mine... I would sit with him every few days and we would do about three questions. He would start talking and I would type what he was saying. I always told him he could come back and delete or change or add anything to the document (he knew where to find it), but there wasn't actually anything he was uncomfortable with me knowing he said (we communicate pretty well, in general, all the time).
The process actually kind of reminded me of our Engaged Encounter weekend counseling/seminar before we got married (because when he would finish his question, he would want to know what I had said to answer the question)!

Still, this took a LONG time, as I guess that much thinking about family, etc., was a little draining, and though I wanted to get it done right NOW, we could only do it as quickly as he offered up information. I would say all in all, it took the two of us about THREE MONTHS to get our autobiographies completed (now, take that with a grain of salt, because mine was twenty-six typed, single-spaced pages... they should be wary when they ask a writer to do one of these things).

I have a friend who did something similar... her husband spoke into a tape recorder and she transcribed his responses.

Good luck!

D.

[aMarylandfamily]

The way we handled the literature sent home each week to read was for me to read a chapter/section aloud and then we would discuss it lightly so I could get a "flavor" for his comprehending (I too am a speed/avid reader and comprehend very quickly) ... and was surprised how fast it went when he wasn't being forced to read after a long day of paperwork at work and by talking through things we were able to open the door to some issues we needed to be united on.

The essays were abit trickier but we would sit side by side at our computer and "type" his thoughts and by the last one we had to do, his was done before mine ... if my 13 year old boy is any hint, no male likes doing paperwork after they have worked all day.

We were missing a training class for one of the state's placing with us at one point and took it through a state agency (other than ours) ... that was fun - 12 answers on 6 different subjects that could not be done together but fortunately he tackled those one weekend and did very well.

Hope this helps.

[Sean&Shan]

I totally understand! I feel like I have done everything, dh would have had me write his essay answers if I would have let him! We didn't have any required reading but I feel like I've read a small library and have had my in-laws and parents reading as well, dh has yet to turn a page.

At first I mistook his lack of reading, etc. as lack of interest or apathy about the adoption, but I now understand that it his way of dealing w/ the wait. I deal by throwing myself into all things baby and motherhood, he manages by going on with life as we know it until the change is here and real. I guess it is some sort of emotion/protection reaction on his part.

But you are not alone......

[LisaCA]

hi,

so I read your post to my sister who promptly said "lisa, why are you writing about this now when it happened last year?"LOL-yes, it seems as if you've married my husband (which would explain why i never see him).

I begged dh to write his essays and read his books (he never read his). I finally figured out why: dh was feeling like his life wasn't that successful when listed on paper-ugh. I had to hold his hand, tell him how we all love him, how important he is to our lives and to others, etc. duh. anyway, I can totally relate. I think it's a guy thing. I churned out my essays in about 1 hour, while it literally took dh 4 months, then I finally had tell him what to write. Then sis and I proofread it for inappropriate things that made him seem like a fascist or something (you wouldn't believe what he thought sounded fine-and it did if you knew him, but none of these people knew him).

I wish you luck. I know i nearly went insane and killed dh during this time in our adoption journey. I love him to death but really, it was just too much . He's a good father now (still forgets that the diaper doesn't have unlimited absorbancy, or that dd might be hungry and that's why she's screaming, but he eventually figures it out), so I should be able to put it behind me, but as you can see I'm still a bit perturbed .

Lisa

[coco46]

Anyone else faced this problem? How did you handle it?

Oh boy, Jen! It sure sounds like we're married to different versions of the same guy!

My dh, who is excited and can't WAIT to be a dad, dragged his heels so badly on the autobiography that I finally lost all patience and gave up nagging him after SIX MONTHS of persuading, reminding, pouting, and crying. It actually took the match that didn't work out for us to galvanize him into action AT LAST. Even then, I literally had to sit at the computer and type out the responses for him. It was at the homestudy final interview that he revealed that as long as the paperwork wasn't done, he had a tangible reason why we hadn't been chosen yet. My big brave guy was scared, too! So don't give up hope. He'll come around!

...because mine was twenty-six typed, single-spaced pages... they should be wary when they ask a writer to do one of these things).

Hehehe D! I'm the exact same way! Mine was 22 pages. DH complained that it was a miniseries.

[Nevada Jen]

Thanks everyone,

Good to know I am not alone. I know he is excited because he has spent the last 4 days breaking down our death trap pirate ship playhouse becuase he just KNOWS we will not pass the homestudy if he does not get it down. He's probably right, but I can't seem to get through to him that we won't get to the homestudy if we don't answer all the pre homestudy questions and do the reading.

I am thinking I will take the suggestion that I be the scribe for him one step further and provide him with a draft of his answers for him to change or amend. Do you think that's going too far?

Jen

[joskimo]

My husband was a pill about all of that, fortunately we didn't have required reading either. And I took the state class, it wasn't required but it was smiled upon. DH's biography was nearly monosylabic. He just hates paperwork, he hate's the personal nature of all of it, and I think like LisaCA's dh, he didn't feel he had enough to brag about in life. But I know he does, we're happy, we're healthy, we have a great family. DH was totally into the adoption and is the one who kept me on track when I had doubts, but man oh man, we're both lucky I'm a paperwork maven. So you're not alone - it really doesn't signify a lack of interest or motivation -- good luck

[joskimo]

My husband was a pill about all of that, fortunately we didn't have required reading either. And I took the state class, it wasn't required but it was smiled upon. DH's biography was nearly monosylabic. He just hates paperwork, he hate's the personal nature of all of it, and I think like LisaCA's dh, he didn't feel he had enough to brag about in life. But I know he does, we're happy, we're healthy, we have a great family. DH was totally into the adoption and is the one who kept me on track when I had doubts, but man oh man, we're both lucky I'm a paperwork maven. So you're not alone - it really doesn't signify a lack of interest or motivation -- good luck

[sadiegirl]

I'm sorry Jen, but I am getting a chuckle out of these! I would think that EVERYONE'S hubby is like this b/c mine was the same way! I had my section done practically after we rec'd the appl in the mail, it took DH MONTHS! I think that's just the way men are! I don't know why, would anyone care to take that million $ question?

Anyway, I think the suggestions are good; maybe sit down with him and you type out his answers!

Also, one thing I'd learned in this journey is that, (if your DH is anything like mine), he will do it when HE is good and ready and there is no pushing. I always equated it to IVF treatments (something I wasn't willing to do), what if DH pushed and cajoled me into doing those? I wouldn't have been happy with him.

Not what you're looking for, I'm sure, but just know you're not alone, and to come here anytime for help. This forum has had its ups and downs but has been a lifesaver in my times of need. The people here are GREAT!

Good luck!

[Emster]

DH was VERY hesitant about starting and would do ANYTHING to procrastinate getting the bio work and paperwork done. With the formal paperwork, I would read to him and we would discuss, sometimes only doing 2 pages at a time. Regarding writing out our bios--I came to find out he just is really insecure about his writing. I REFUSED to do this part for him, since I did everthing else...but encouraged him to write it like he would say it if he was speaking to someone and then we could clean it up later. He had the bio done within 2 days and felt better about it. As did I...it was the one shred of evidence that he really DID want this whole thing to happen, not just lip service.

[icunurse]

Add mine to the list, too! Must be a guy thing (well, most guys anyway). DH's hangup was that he wanted to be a dad and didn't feel that he needed to "prove" himself, bio parents don't have to. So, after nagging every day, he finally managed to write out his autobiography and I dragged him to get fingerprinted (mind you, he was VERY excited about adoption and becoming a dad - imagine if he wasn't!). I literally had post-its where he had to sign , as I filled out all of the paperwork, occasionally forcing him to assist me with it. We're starting on the quest for #2 and guess what? Again, forcing him to update his autobiography, otherwise all paperwork done by myself. I guess it's a lot like my friends describe a pregnancy - women do most of the effort and all of the labor

[LadyBugz]

Ha ha! Loved that last line ICUNurse!


My hubby doesn't have a hang-up about paperwork. He is far better at putting his nose to the grindstone than I am. And he is far more decisive about such things (re: while I constantly revise to make sure all is as perfect as possible, he doesn't want to be bothered with doing it all again!! LOL) My dh's problem is just that he doesn't know what to say. He really has trouble identifying emotions, etc to himself, much less vocalizing those. His strength simply isn't in communicating.

We have a regular habit of reading together (I read aloud and he honestly likes paying attention) and discussing. He enjoys it much more than reading it himself. Must be the funny voices moms pick up along the way for story telling. <Shrug>

I am not looking forward to the autobiographies, though. My tendency to write a novel and his to write one word (make that three: "I don't know" ) will have us taking many months as well. I won't do it for him, but I do think some cajoling will be in order. You know, leading questions ("Didn't you say at one time that...?"), planning a time-line to help him remember and asking him to fill in specific blanks, stuff like that.

[Nevada Jen]

Lisa,

Is your husband there about one week a month because that's how often mine is gone. DH is always surpirsed when my daughter's diaper leaks. He says things like, I don't know why its leaking NOW. As in its been wet for a long time, it must just leak when you get home from work!

I have to give him credit, when I came home from work the pirate ship was dismantled and he was on page 161 of Adopting After Infertility. I don't wan't to be offensive in case the author reads these boards but there is seriously a typo on every page. Very hard reading. SO he is out of the dog house for tonight.

Onto getting him to get his fingerprints done and doctors appointment.

Funny stories. I am so glad I am not the only one. By the way, he calls you all my "internet pychos."

Jen