[faithnhim]

My newly placed 19 month old son (been with me for about 7 weeks), had his first 1 on 1 play date today. He generally plays well alongside other children when in a group, so I was expecting him to do well today. I guess my expectations were too high. It was the most stressful two-hours I've ever encountered. My son tried, and on occasion succeeded to hit, push, and almost bite the other child. He also snatched, threw toys, and ignored my correcting him. I lost track of the number of times he was in time out.

Has anyone else with toddlers experienced this type of aggression? What works? I tried time outs, getting down on his level, telling him whats acceptable behavior and what's not. I'm at a lost.

[kelleymac]

Yep, with his own cousin.

My son is 18-months, but when this occurred he was 14-months. He had only been with Jake once before when they were both very tiny and this time we were visiting family for Christmas. The two of them had it out for one another for the first two days. Jonah would bite and push Jake away from his toys and Jake (who was only 9-months at the time) would crawl up and snatch things from Jonah and then cry.

We were at wits end about it, and on day three it all just miraculously went away. I think you just need to give your son time to understand how the other child behaves...they were probably sorting it out and that will have to take time. I know that's hard to do when he's aggressive, but it sounds like you did great. Just be firm, consistent, and keep at it. I'll bet he comes around in no time.

Best,
Kelley

[LadyBugz]

Any possibility you were nervous yourself and it made him nervous, too? (Cleaning house, fussing about, straightening pictures, etc.) You didn't sound like it in your post, but I figure it is worth asking.

Little ones that age are better at group play than one on one, as you've noticed. He plays well beside other children. So maybe small groups would be a good medium step. Or seperate play areas for the two kids that are parralelled (sp?!) beside each other, but different activities.

Perhaps he felt more threatened by a single child than a whole group of them? Were you the only parent around? Did he feel insecure? Maybe it was a totally new experience and he didn't have a clue what to think. Could he have experience with another kid having bullied him when they were one-on-one before he came home and he in-turn responded in kind to this poor munchkin? Maybe when a bunch of kids are buzzing around, he tunes them out. But when one is right there, he focuses on the other child. And maybe he is showing a bit of bullyness himself out of the blue. Could it be he *noticed* that the other little one had his toys, was in his house, etc when he doesn't notice it with groups (or groups aren't at home)? Were you at home or a new place? Maybe it was the new place. Or if it was the old place, maybe he was thinking something was up when all the other kids didn't come. Or maybe he was in a bad mood from just waking up on the wrong side of the bed or lunch not sitting correctly or was having a bad hair day.

My dd did this, but the other way around. She went in daycare, and was such a trouble maker. Frowning faces every day on her report. Biting, hitting, throwing... Time out meant nothing. But she was an angel at home. Turns out her biggest problem was medical, though. She had constant ear infections and GI problems. (Not that I'm guessing this is what your little one's problem is. I doubt it.) But we tried everything. Different situations just really brought out these tendencies than others. Re-direction was worked best, but it didn't work well.

We decided that we simply had to limit the situations that brought this out until she was older and could better understand how to deal with it. So when the teacher was changing diapers and the other kids got to play about, dd was first to get her diaper changed and was then given a toy to play with by herself in her bed until everyone else was done and the teacher had full attention on everyone again.

I guess your choices are to try a 1-on-1 again and see if this was a fluke (day, time, child, etc) or to hold off for a bit and try again later.

Other than a nice bubble bath or massage this evening, I wouldn't worry too much. There are SOOOOO many factors that could have attributed, and you haven't seen a pattern of behavior yet. It is still very surprising and draining, though, when something like this pops up! I understand.

[Lexie]

Hi-
I have a 3 year old--but we have been doing the playdate thing for a while now. I assume you checked all the physical stuff ( not sleepy, hungry, not feeling well etc.). I know if my son misses his nap I might as well cancel the playdate--cause he will be a terror. I have found that even now sharing is a real challenge, at below 2 years, well it was a non-starter. I tried to have 2 of every really attractive toy so sharing was less of an issue. If your son starts to fight, hit etc., I would try pulling him away to play by himself for a while. He is used to all the attention and he may just need a little reassurance. With my son that seemed to work. After he calms down I bring him a little closer etc. They don't actually play together until 2-1/2-3 years of age so peaceful coexistence in the same space is a victory.

One more tip, my son is really really sensitive, so if I correct him where others can hear he falls apart. Now that I have figured this out---We go to the next room and have a little talk. It seems to work much better.

Of course sometimes they just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and there is absolutely nothing you can do!!!! Part of the joys of parenting!!!!

Hang in there. Everyone with a toddler has been through it--

Lexie

[nycfsa]

I have a 23-month old and I DREAD one-on-one playdates. You said your playdate was for 2 hours? I can't even imagine trying to get my son to "play" with another kid for that long because it's just such a nightmare, as you noticed

My son loves other kids and does great playing in a group, like at his mother's morning out class. There's just something about a one-on-one playdate that doesn't work for such young children. If they're the slightest bit tired or hungry they're monsters. I think, for my son at least, having his routine interrupted makes him cranky. That's why I try to keep playdates short.

Do you have a park or playground nearby where you can have a playdate without actually having to share toys?

[faithnhim]

At least I know I'm not alone. That's why I love this site (and Nanny 911 for parenting tips, I'll admit it). The play date was at our house, so maybe he was a bit threatened with the other child. Before coming to us, he was in a foster home with two other children ages 3 and 4. While doing visits with him in the home, I did notice some roughhousing.

I also wonder if he's more physical because he has some language delays. He says maybe a little over a dozen words, but most of the time he still points and grunts like a little caveman.

He starts daycare in a couple of weeks. I'm already nervous about the types of reports I may get if this type of behavior crosses.

Parenting a toddler is tough.

[traceyk]

I would use redirection, especially if he is intent on the negative behavior. Remove him from the situation and give him something else to do.

[wanttobeparents]

Matthew did the same sort of thing at that age. He was a pusher, and would push the other kids down. We would redirect him, tell him no, that it hurt the other child. Sometimes we had to leave almost as soon as we got there if that didn't work. Then I had to teach DH that the game they played of pretending to fall down when Matthew pushed him had to go.

It took a little while, we had short playdates, but he caught on eventually. It's just a little nervewracking trying to intervene until they can play without aggression. The other parents are going through the same thing, so they understand.

Peggy

[Mommy2amiracle]

Toddlers at 18 months old are NOT good at playing together, that is about the stage when "MINE" starts and if your son has only been home for 7 weeks, perhaps, he was just staking out his territory. I would also do re-direction as another poster stated. My son is 29 months and time outs have only really had the desired effect for the last couple of months.

Good luck!

[tobeafamily]

Not atypical behaviour for an 18-19 month old, really. Since the language skills and social skills aren't there, it's hitting, pushing, etc. Plus more paralell play than playing together.

Redirection works, also helping him set aside some 'favorite' things so no one plays with them during the playdate. Play in common areas.

If you haven't yet checked, I highly recommend 'Love and Logic Magic for Toddlers' by Jim Fay & Foster Cline. Very similar to Nanny 911 philosophically. It's made a huge difference for us.

Best of luck,

Regina