[Lexie]

Ok- Wow we got a call last weekend with a strong possible match. We talked to PBmom and the facilitator told us she is ready to pick us if we want to go forward.

One nagging issue--The requested expenses are high and a lot of the expenses are going to her family members, loans for rent and food as well as rent money to stay at another close relatives house, etc. When I say High--the expense request is very high---however in terms of our budget, the other fees etc., are quite reasonable so total cost is just a little more than average. So the total cost is not so much of a concern---i just feel a little uneasy that so much is going to her family ( I am not sure why--is it better to pay the same amount in agency fees??, but feelings are not always rational). Now I know everyfamily has a different situation, different dynamic and different financial needs--I just can't imagine a parent or grandparent charging rent to their homeless pg daughter. But then again---if she has strong family support she probably wouldn't need to place the child. I have to add that we talked to her a very long time and she was really nice and seemed honest so I did feel that she was not making anything up and that her family is asking her to pay these things. We had a really good feeling when we got off the phone---we were ready to go---and now that we have been thinking about it overnight ( maybe over thinking), its still nagging us a bit.

Any thoughts?

[jstunme]

Can the 'funds' be put into a 'hold' pattern - or some type of account - then relinquished to the 'family' after the adoption? You would be sincere in wanting to help her family - but protect your funds at the same time? I know that doesn't meet the p aparent trust factor - but with so many fails ... just wondering if possible. Mary

[taurusgal29]

I don't know...I come from the camp that if it doesn't feel right in your gut, then you probably should step back and re-evaluate.

Make sure you have a GOOD attorney. Any monies that are exchanged between you guys and the PBmom must first be approved by the judge. At least that was the case where we adopted from.

Best wishes to you as you try and do what is right for your family...

[sugarbabysmommy]

It's not unheard of for family to charge family rent. If they aren't happy with they way her life is going and/or want ulimately for her to be on her own, this may their way of encouraging her to be more independent. Like I said this is not unsual. I can't imagine that it's that much she needs in rent, unless she lives in a high rent area, but I can understand why it gives you pause. Do you know why she needs the rent money, is she unable to work?

If you want to contribute to the food bill for *her* what about a gift card for a super market, one per month for each month you are matched. Most large chains do these sorts of cards. I am not sure what you mean by loans for rent??? This sounds odd to me.

A facilitator is nice, but you need a lawyer. This can be a big issue depending on your state, some states are very restrictive about expenses, others not.

Me personally, there is no way I would hold money in an account for her until after the adoption, this smells of coersion. If you give support money you have to be emotionally and financially ready to let go of the money regardless of the outcome of the match. I didn't say it was easy to do this, but after elavuting the risk, and whether or not you can take it, you have to let go and just go with it. I recommend however that if you do match that you all know upfront how much and in what ways you will help so there are no misunderstandings later. Including determining what, if any, help will be given after birth.

Listen to your gut and ask more questions.

[Deanna&Alex]

This may be a far fetched idea but when I first read your post my immediate thought was maybe her family is charging her rent so that she learns how difficult it's going to be to raise a child. Maybe this is the family's way of encouraging her to place her child for adoption. By showing her the realities of being a responsible parent, ie. paying rent, paying for food, child care, etc. while she is pregnant they are doing their best to show her the benefits of adoption for both the child and her. Just my thoughts. Good luck whatever your decision.

[coco46]

Lexie,

Please be very, very careful. If you're not working with a licensed agency or an attorney, you need to get one NOW.

Any money or assistance you contribute needs to be carefully documented and made in accordance with the laws of your state. I find the idea that her family would be receiving any money very odd, myself. I would definitely get some legal advice before proceeding.

A match is exciting and it's easy to get caught up in the moment. Just make sure that you're protecting yourselves as much as you can. Good luck!

[SadieAnn]

As others have said you need an attorney skilled in adoption to handle this for you and give you some good objective advice.

If the total cost is about what you were prepared to spend than to me it makes little difference where the money is going. Agency fees, bmom expenses, medical, etc.

Also sending you a pm.

[BrandyHagz]

Just remember, any monies given for expenses during the match are considered gifts/donations in the eyes of most agencies/attorneys…if the match is financial right where you want to be, but you have concerns about expenses (money you will NEVER get back or that wont go towards another placement) you need to think long and hard about that.

For example, you have $5000 in legal fees and $15000 in expenses (hypothetically of course)…the match fails after the birth…that $15000 is gone…now the money you had set aside for your adoption has been depleted on this one match.

There are agencies out there who absorb the expenses during the match, then tack it on post placement…to protect adoptive parents from having to make decisions like this.

Also, something you said caught my eye:

loans for rent and food as well as rent money to stay at another close relatives house

Am I understanding this correctly? She is asking for rent for two places? I assume the “loans for rent” is for rent she owes for staying somewhere in the past? Please correct me if I’m wrong…

I’d defiantly talk to your attorney about allowable expenses in your state/county. Most of the time “loans” don’t fall under that allowable expense….and if it’s a “loan for rent” that was owed for a place she stayed previously, then that’s even more suspect, as it isn’t a necessary need at this time…which is what the purpose of paying expenses is.

My husband and I have looked at every potential match as a possible failure (and we have had one such match). If this money isn’t something you would freely hand over to a pregnant woman you know is going to parent…then I think you really need to think about it some more.

You don’t want to lose your financial ability to adopt, should this one match fail.

[momofmykids]

This situation looks and smells bad! We were in a very similar situation one time, and found out before we gave over any money that bmom was not going to place, and was trying just to get money. Oh, does your situation bring back memories!

In TN, ALL expenses have to be cleared by a judge. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure that your behind is covered here. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, you could get taken big time.

There are other pbmoms out there...this isn't the only one.

Good luck,
Jill

[sadiegirl]

I am not understanding either; I read people saying that her family may be trying to get her to understand what life will be like with a child-rent, food, etc. But it sounds like this might be taken care of by the paparents, so how is that "teaching" her anything?

Maybe I am reading it wrong?

[AMom2Two]

I see big RED flags all over this match.

Don't get too excited that you lose some of your adoption money. Remember that she can and I've seen quotes here that 50% of all birthparents do change their minds after the birth of their baby. I myself had two failed placements at birth. No one knows how they will feel until they hold the baby. They will not be thinking of you nor should they. There have been many posts on this forum of paparents losing lots of money from similar situations.

Some agencies, as the one I used, will put the money in escrow until after her final decision is made and papers are signed. This not coercion, this is protecting the adoptive couple. BOTH PARTIES DESERVE PROTECTION. A good agency or facilitator will not pressure her to place, nor will they pressure you to give money now. If they do, I would be VERY WARY.

Please be very careful. If I was in your shoe's, I would turn the match down. There will be other matches, trust me. I've been there.

Don't let your excitement, turn into a nightmare for you. JMHO

[Lexie]

Thank you for your help and advice--everyone who responded. Just to clarify--She wants a significant amount of money to pay back one of her parents who lent her money for food and rent early in her pg. She is going to live with another relative that is charging her rent money and food money ( not sure why she doesn't get food stamps). She borrowed money for car repairs etc. She has now offered to put the money in escrow until after placement ( to make us more comfortable that she will place). She also wants to know right away. She has placed before ( and she got even more expense money last year), and she sounds very confident that she will place again. She also sounds very nice on the phone. I always feel good when I speak to her---I just have doubts later. She also had her attorney review the expenses ( we havenot had that done yet) who says that they are "legally" ok. She is not young, she is mature and experienced. I know she wants to move forward with her life after the placement and I think she wants the money to get back on her feet.

I am so confused?!?!?
Thanks so much for all the help and advice--
Lexie

[momofmykids]

If the money goes into escrow and she only gets it if she places, then I would feel MUCH better! That way, you're not out a ton of money while she has the baby.

Keep us posted and drop by for encouragement when needed.

I pray for your decision,
Jill

[chrisandaaron]

I'd also be curious to know when she is due? Is this going to be a long match? Are you going to be asked for more money every time you turn around? We were asked to pay for some expenses early in our match that we were uncomfortable with. We said "NO," but offered a much lower amount spread out over the match period. Everyone agreed and now I don't feel as bad when we are asked for a "little extra," here and there for groceries and stuff. I'm so glad we didn't give it all up front. If she is willing to do the escrow thing, then it sounds more promising.

Good luck!
Chris

[mimc]

Originally Posted by Lexie

She has placed before ( and she got even more expense money last year), and she sounds very confident that she will place again... She also had her attorney review the expenses ( we havenot had that done yet) who says that they are "legally" ok. She is not young, she is mature and experienced.

Okay, I'm going to be the cynic and pessimist here. She placed last year and got even more than she's asking for now. She already has her own attorney who has okayed this, or at least she says so. She's mature and experienced. I'd say that you're either being scammed, OR that she's going to place but is going to get every penny possible out of this baby. Morally right or not, there are some birthmothers who feel that if an attorney or facilitator is making money off the adoption, they should too. And hearing about surrogates making $20K or so for pregnancy doesn't help matters.

There are plenty of parents on this board who adopted without paying out a fortune in questionable expenses. And there are plenty of birthparents who place without breaking the aparents' bank accounts. If it were me, I'd walk away from this match. But it's not me. So I hope that you make whatever decision feels right in your heart and your head.