[Tia Ree]

I just do not know what to do about my DS bfathers mother. She is driving me crazy. We have an open adoption and have no problems with ds bmother or her family. They are all great and so thoughtful. They never ask for anything and because of this we give more.(e-mails, calls, pictures, visits)

We also have an open adoption with the bfather and i guess this includes his mother. She is always wanting more. We just sent pictures in Dec. and in Feb she is asking for more. I have not had time to send any more yet, so she sends me this e-mail saying "still waiting for pictures" it did not sit well with me and I sent an e-mail back stating she will have to be patient. I know I should have waited before I sent a reply but this is not the first time she has come across demanding things. Also is her e-mails or calls she always lets me know that "I" is her grandson or she says my grandchild. I just do not know how to handle this. DH and I are the type of people that give freely until someone starts to be demanding and then we just stop giving. I don't want this to happen but I also don't know what to say to her.

We have no problems with our DD birthfamilies or DS birthmother and her family. Any suggestions on how to hanlde this situation would be app.

~T~

[momofmykids]

Well, legally, your son is NOT her grandchild and she needs to realize that and be grateful for what she gets! The more she pushes, the more I'd hold off. Even if you're in one of the states that legally has open adoptions (that it can be enforced), this is turning into harrassment and it needs to stop! Remember, you're setting a pattern here for how you let her treat you for a good long while. Take the upper hand, you won't be sorry.

Good luck!

[Overwhelmed!]

Perhaps you should speak to your DS's birthfather and share your uncomfortable feelings with interactions with his mother. Maybe he could address the issue with her, rather than you having to do it.

[skootinalong2]

I would try talking to the birth father. His mother is the problem. I would think that an open adoption agreement would be with the birth parents not the whole extended family. Although I know many adoptive parents include grandparents in the agreement. So, maybe if you explain the situation to him, he might be of some help with his mother. I do believe you need to set some boundaries. Something you can live with, in good conscience. (I don't know what your open adoption agreement is) If that doesn't help, be honest with the birth grandmother. Let her know she is crossing the line. I wish you luck with this situation. I know it must be hard.

Teralyn

[wanttobeparents]

Tia Ree,

Has she stepped over more bounds than just asking for pictures? Is she demanding in other ways?

I treat all of the grandparents, birth and adoptive, the same way. When I send off pictures, I send them to everyone. We spent a week last summer with the birth father's family. They even threw a "Welcome to the family" party for us. When Michael does something spectacular, Grandma gets a phone call right along with everyone else. They have "adopted" our older son right back and include him as a grandchild. Their Christmas newletter included more about the grandchildren (both of them mine) than her own kids, including pictures.

In return, I get all the family medical history. Michael will always know where he came from and where he gets his height. He has extra people that love him, including more than 50 birth relatives that think the sun rises and sets on him. I have a source of information about when he got his teeth in, did he have problems teething, how old was he when he walked.

Can you make a joke out of demands for pictures? Something along the lines of "I've been so busy trying to take care of him, I haven't gotten pictures for my family yet either. As soon as I peel him off the walls, I plan to get some made." Can you handle her calling him her grandchild? She is hurting too, and wants to love her grandchild. A child can never have too many people that love him. I know that Grandma's greatest fear is that we would deny her the grandson she loves so much. Try to walk a mile in her shoes.

If you cannot handle the contact, or if there is more to it than what you have written, you will need to set the boundries that you can live with. Yes, get the birthfather involved if you need to. He may know how to handle his mother better than anyone. Before you do anything, stop and think, "Would this action bother me if my parents were doing it, or does it only bother me because it's the birth grandparents?"

Peggy

[SadieAnn]

It sounds to me that perhaps part of the problem isn't just what she is asking for but her approach. I am a bit the same as you describe. I am pretty giving of time and talents but I don't like when people get demanding. Try to think of what are the real issues. Are her demands unreasonable? Is it her approach? Is the fact you don't like her stating she is "grandma"?

There is always "one" in every family, so it only makes sense there should be "one" in every bfamily. Good luck! Feel free to VENT here. Happy to lend an ear and a (((hug))).

[dadfor2]

id just talk to her. In a polite way of course. If It continues, id probably just tell her that you are sending them to bdad, and if she wants to see the pictures she can ask him for them.

If she keeps hounding you, then dont open up her emails anymore. If need be, you will have to talk to bdad about it.

Not sure how you ended up sending everyone in the family pictures.

[rtsmom]

Originally Posted by dadfor2

Not sure how you ended up sending everyone in the family pictures.

I agree with dadfor2. Why don't you lighten up the pressure on yourself and tell the bgrandparents that it's just too scattered to send separate photo packages to everyone and let them know that they can access photos through packages you send to the birthmother and birthfather?

[Tia Ree]

Thank-you to all that have replied. Just some thoughts. Several of you have mentioned talking to bfather about his mother. I worry this may hurt or cause problems for our relationship with him. I feel like this should be between his mother and us and I would hate to put someone in the middle. I just feel this would cause more problems.

I think what we may do it what some of you have suggested is just send things to the bfather and let him send what he wants to him mom.

Dadfor2- I thought it was what I should do. Until she came across being demanding. What I sent was never enough. She always wants more.

[stacyone]

I know she's probably just trying to find way to deal with her grief, but yeah, that would start to bug me.

I think the suggestion earlier about sending pics only to Bmom & Bdad are the way to go. Announce to all grandparents involved that as much as you appreciate your interaction with them, things have gotten VERY complicated and from now on you'll be sending multiple pics to bmom and bdad only, for them to distribute as they see fit.