[awebaby]

Today, I have read many new threads pertaining to narrow viewpoints and thought that I would share one that DH and I experienced last week.

The Background We will be building our family through adoption (unable to have bio children) and are hopeful to forge ahead later this year. We do have an advocate who will be working on our behalf. Our first choice is open, domestic, infant adoption and are open to various racial and medical situations.

The Situation We were on vacation last week visiting family and after going to dinner one evening in the car this happened: My DH and I were in the backseat of the car and our family members started discussing the waitress. Family has repoire with her since they frequently eat there. She (the waitress) is appearantly very upset because her daughter is young and pregnant and ... here it is, the narrow mindedness... having a BLAAAAAAACK. I guess you probably figured out that the waitress and her daughter are caucasian (as are we).

My jawed just hit the floor and of course, I swung around to see what my DH's reaction was and his eye's were huge and was in utter shock as well. The worst part is that the annunciation of the word black was from our family -- and obviously HOW this one person's feels about african americans.

Between DH & I we have 3 sets of parents and it was one of these 6 people, unforunately, I think this person is going to be the toughest nut to crack --I know I can only inform people and can't change their opinions/beliefs, but it especially hurts when it comes from a parent. But 4 out of 6 parents, I think, do not have this kind of predjudice.

We have tried to prepare our family that we are open to various situations... I just hope and pray that the child who joins us will be accepted by our family and if they are not, they (unaccepting ones) may no longer be considered family!

BTW, I had actually forgotten this part until writing this post. this person also told us -- on Mother's Day at my home during the festive day I planned for 2 moms and 1 gmom, after one of our "enlighten you about our adoption plans/efforts and what to expect sessions --don't get a black one and don't get a mexican either, because they're lazy!!!! <not my opion at all and not trying to race label>

I just dont' get it!!! UGH. Thanks for letting me share my experience.

[Jensboys]

Hi Its so hard to hear and see stupidity and closemindedness within our own families.

My suggestion to you is that you have a grand ol' sit down wiht the family members in questions and give them a heads up. You may (or may not) let them ask questions about your plans but I would be VERY specific about your boundaries and expectations. Even if your eventual child is caucasion do you want him/her exposed to those sorts of ideas? Racism is based in fear and ignorance and even though you may never change their minds, you CAN let them know that they cant spout off stuff like that around you - or your child.

Its going to take a whole lot of courage to do that - but parenting (especially transracially) requires a whole lot of courage.

Let us know what you decide to do.

Jen

[momofmykids]

Kerry,
After I read your post, I checked your profile because I KNEW you had to be from the south and I was right! It's a shame that in the twenty first century that we still have to deal with this kind of attitude. My family is the same way and my cousin has a bi-racial baby boy two years ago. Needless to say, she's the black sheep (no pun intended) of the family. Now, this baby boy is one of the cutest and sweetest little boys I know, but because his dad is black, he's somehow "less" than the rest of us. It is nauseating to me.

You, like my cousin, will have to stand your ground on the issue. Dr. Phil says "we get the children we're meant to have" and I believe that's true. Jesus said "whoever welcomes one of these children in my name welcomes me", I can't get enough of Jesus!

When we started on the adoption journey, my dad (bless his heart, he's nearly 80 but that's still no excuse) said the same as your family, no blacks, no Mexicans, and no "Orientals" (as he calls them) cause there ain't none of them calling me papaw. It's hard for me to believe after hearing him say that to look at him interacting with my cousin's b/r little boy and he treats him like one of his own!

My philosophy, go for it and if you're family doesn't like it, too bad. You will make a great mama to some baby who NEEDS you regardless of what color or race that child is.

Good luck on your adoption journey...it's a ride to remember!

God bless,
Jill

[chrisandaaron]

I agree with the other posters. Be direct and hope for the best! Eventhough we were open to a child of any race we told our families right upfront that it was very possible we would be adopting an African American or Biracial child. We did this to ensure that we would become aware of any underlying racism that we were not aware of. It was amazing how they went from people who didn't think much about race to real advocates for our potential child. They really helped to "set some other family members straight," when it came to our beliefs on equality. Hopefully, once they realize that you really may be adopting outside of your race they will step up to the plate and start setting a better example for their potential grandchild. If not, at least you will know this is going to be an issue ahead of time.

Good luck,
Chris

[sadiegirl]

Jill,

You don't have to live in the south to have family like this. My grandparents and my own mom are the same way. I tell my DH all the time at how I am surprised I turned out the way I did (NOT racist) when I grew up with all the stuff my g-ma and mom spewed.

Unfortunately, they are the very reason we are adopting CC. I know people will disagree, but someone once said on this forum about how they would not make their own child try to break the barrier of stereotypes in their own family. It just wouldn't be fair for our child to be a "one person U.N.". It's sad, I know, but a fact of life in my family.

Whenever my family spews their hatred, I do my best to reason with and explain to them. It never gets thru but I try!

Good luck awebaby!

[momofmykids]

Gosh, Sadie, I guess this is all over then, huh? The "N" word was as common as saying "the" or "and" at my grandma's house when I was little. That always made me feel uncomfortable.

Kerry, one point on the Mexicans. You grandma said they're lazy, well let me tell ya. We've got alot of immigrants working in our county because there's a mushroom factory here. One word I would NOT use to describe them is LAZY. My f-i-l runs a handyman service and has hired several Mexican men to work for him. He'll tell ya in a hearbeat that he'd rather hire them because they WILL work! Just my two cents worth on that.

[sadiegirl]

Oh, yes, it's everywhere!

My grandma nearly "disowned" me in college b/c I dated a guy who was Malaysian (sp?). She feared we would get married and actually said, "just think what your kids would look like!" (Pretty cute, I thought!)

I never know a great comeback b/c I'm always so shocked at what comes out of her mouth! And she's 82, no matter what I say will NOT change her mind.

I was actually scared to tell her DH and I were adopting b/c I didn't know if she could love him/her "like one of her own." Even though there's no baby yet, I do think she's come around to adoption.

Sigh, if I could change the world...

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by awebaby

BTW, I had actually forgotten this part until writing this post. this person also told us -- on Mother's Day at my home during the festive day I planned for 2 moms and 1 gmom, after one of our "enlighten you about our adoption plans/efforts and what to expect sessions --don't get a black one and don't get a mexican either, because they're lazy!!!! <not my opion at all and not trying to race label>

I just dont' get it!!! UGH. Thanks for letting me share my experience.

Sounds like my father! UGH!

I have had to lay down the law with my dad. He is not allowed to say certain things around me and my family. If he does we will leave. I have a no tolerance policy and it has worked well. I confront his ignorance. I do not try to change his opinions, but I do not let him voice them around us.

[jstunme]

My only daughter is in the adoption process after 7 years of infertility procedures.

She taught preschool learning disabled children in Georgia when husband was in service. Many of the kids there were from homes 'in need'. These kids were precious - my daughter ate them up. Many times she took some of them on weekends into Savannah to the movies, for pizza and bought clothes for them with her money - she loved these kids .... and they loved her too. After discharge from the service ... they moved back to Indiana - she still misses 'em.

Just wanted to share one of her 'not so nice' outings with the kids. She took a couple kids (black wonderful kids) to the mall - more than once while there with them - she had folks (black) call out to her - calling her b***h cracker. She actually hadn't even heard that term used before - took her quite by surprise! People can be so sickening - clueless.

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by awebaby

The Situation We were on vacation last week visiting family and after going to dinner one evening in the car this happened: My DH and I were in the backseat of the car and our family members started discussing the waitress. Family has repoire with her since they frequently eat there. She (the waitress) is appearantly very upset because her daughter is young and pregnant and ... here it is, the narrow mindedness... having a BLAAAAAAACK. I guess you probably figured out that the waitress and her daughter are caucasian (as are we).

It never ceases to amaze me about attitudes - a life is precious no matter what the colour of skin is. My parents have the same dreadful attitude so I would never have a boyfriend from a different race to me yet some of my best friends over the years have been black. It infuriates me so much when people are colour/race/religion prejudiced.

Philippa

[momofmykids]

Okay, I've obviously annoyed someone by the name of Regina here about my comments about the south and Kerry's situation. I now have a -1 rating on our little green squares. I, TOO, am from the south and mean NOTHING derogatory. I've grown up with the "N" word my entire life and it has always bothered me. I hope I didn't sound like a racist or biggot, I certainly didn't mean to! There are few communities more racially divided than mine...the whites live in one part of town and the blacks in another part. I'm sorry if I offended any of you, I was trying to support Kerry in her decision to look beyond color or race and see a baby in need. I would think that is a good thing.

I hope this doesn't get me kicked off this forum, I so enjoy checking in here. I honestly did not mean to offend anybody and think that the person who left this rating must have misunderstood me.

[alwaysus]

The child we are about to adopt is biracial. This baby is the (half) bio-sibling of our youngest child. ( he is CC..well actually he is 1/4 japanese, but looks full CC )
A close relative said to me. " you shouldn't adopt this baby, When Paul is old enough he will be embarassed that his bio sibling is black."

I was floored! My kids won't react that way because I think we have taught them better! I tried to explain that to her, but she stands firm. " He will know that his birth mother slept with a black man!"
My goodness!What century is this?
I have decided that she will get over it, or she won't.

Stand strong!

[momofmykids]

Lana,
Oh my gosh! One sibling not liking another because of their race? You definately have the right attitude about this. The only way we can move forward and hopefully get rid of these racial attutudes is to teach our children what is right. I hope that by the time I'm a grandmother that race will no longer be an issue. Good luck with your new baby!

Thank you to my friends who have pushed my feedback back "into the green".

Happy Sunday everybody!
Jill

[qs mom]

My aunt & uncle always carried on about how liberal and non-racial they were. That is, until their daughter (white) brought home a black man and introduced him as her boyfriend. They eventually tolerated him. Never accepted him, but tolerated him.

And when she became pregnant, well, it hit the fan, so to speak. They were in complete denial. Refused to her baby shower. Refused to do anything for their young daughter.

Well, you would think that their granson, a bi-racial child, with a black father, could walk on water! The sun rises and sets on this child.

My father also has spewed some ugly things in his day. But he adores this little boy.

When I decided to adopt, the first thing I said was that I was going to adopt a black or bi-racial child and that my parent better just get used to it and accept it, or it would be the last they see of me.

But I was put on a very, very long waiting list because I'm single, so I went Internationally.

But basically, most times, once the child is a member of the family, they become colorless - just lovable little people.

[33458]

AAAAGHHHH!

I have an Archie Bunker in my family, and know a few people that really need to zip it...

I've been delicate and patient so far, far more mature than those I have tolerated...trying the route of education rather than arguing, but it does get to me.

Some things just aren't funny.

I know you know what I mean.