[joby]

So... our son has lived with us for over two months. He's doing GREAT! Did I say great? I meant FANTASTIC! FABULOUS! WONDERFUL! He's decided this is his home. He feels safe. He likes us. He doesn't just tolerate us...or just feel ok. He likes being a part of the family!! Since coming to us two months ago, his grades have gone from C's and D's to A's and B's. He's on the honor roll for the first time! The kid is just glowing!! He loves his church , his new huge extended family and his dog! LOL The therapist we've been seeing said we were a poster family for adoption, the good and tough parts. We're on a good road here. We have our problems, but overall....it's an A+ situation given that our son is in the 4th grade and came from foster care! The obstacles were being surmounted.

So what's the problem?

GRRRR....

Before he came to us as an adoptive placement, he had been in a foster care situation that was disrupted because the FM hit one of the other kids after they brought drugs into her house. This happened the week we were supposed to meet him. So he went to a shelter for three days while the courts tried to figure out whether to put him in another foster placement or what??

When his teacher found out about this, she petitioned the judge to take temporary custody while he was transitioned into our home in an effort to keep him out of a crowded shelter with much older kids. She and her husband are and older couple with grown kids who had space and were good members of the community. A background check was done and he moved in with them for one week and three days. We thought it was a wonderful gesture and we were grateful that she stepped up to...well, technically, baby-sit for that brief time.

We told her we were more than happy to send her pictures and keep in touch because she was helping to make it a positive experience for him and we appreciated her. We had our visits, and things were going great. Well….so much for goodwill.

The day he was supposed to move in with us, she balked about bringing him to us. After the caseworker talked to her, she realized that it was not a visit, he was moving. She had no choice. He came, and she began with the emails and phone calls immediately. It was ok, just a lot more frequent than we’d expected. The problem was that my DS didn’t want to talk to her when she called. He didn’t want to read the letters she sent. We told her, and instead of accepting it, she WENT TO HIS PERMANENCY HEARING! She wasn’t asked to go, and we and our son were not even asked to attend. This was a hearing between the caseworker and the judge in the county he came from simply to discuss his placement. This teacher went and told the judge that she didn’t approve of us. That he didn’t get “closure” with her husband. Grrrrr CLOSURE? He knew the man for 9 days! THEN…it gets better…..I didn’t know about this when she called me the next day.

Our kids were out of school for a local holiday and she called me to say that my caseworker had informed her that I would be bringing my son to spend the day with her in her town three hours away! That I was going to drop him off with her! That she wanted to know when that would be. I was dumbfounded and called my caseworker who promptly denied any knowledge of any such thing, and informed me that I was free to completely cut her off. I knew that…but she wanted to make SURE I knew it.

So we did. But did she get the point? No. She’s sending cards every couple of weeks. She’s sending him candy and pictures of her grown kids. She’s calling. She’s emailing. AND….She went to the judge again…to complain about us. She met us 4 times. She knows NOTHING about us other than we are adoptive parents. She was not priovey to anything other than our sons immediate care. The caseworker summed it up thusly for us. She wants us to take care of him, but she wants unsupervised visits at her demand for times when she wants to play Mommy for the day. NOT gonna happen in my lifetime!

I feel like I have a nosy ex-wife hovering over my shoulder. This was his babysitter for ten days….and she acts like I stole her infant child from her womb. I’m going nuts here. Short of changing my phone number and address, I don’t know what to do. My caseworker said that if it keeps up much longer, she will get more actively involved, but since she’s not breaking the law, it will likely just cause us more grief. Right now, my caseworker is fielding the calls from her, but something has to stop this crazy woman. I can't spend my life doing this. And one days the Caseworker will be out of the picture and unable to help!

WHAT ON EARTH gives her the right to undermine my child’s wellness and growth because she’s having empty nest syndrome?!?!?!?!?

BLAH!

Words of wisdom?
Anyone?

I just want to spit!

[alwaysus]

WOW!
I have no words of advice, but I hope this all ends soon!
How about a restraining order? I agree, it does seem a little flaky!

good luck...

[sugarbabysmommy]

No real advice, just wanted to say YIKES! Whatever you do, if you do talk with her about her care for him I wouldn't call it baby sitting, that would just push too many buttons. I think your first characterization of what they did for your DS, "stepping up" is kinder and more acturate. That said, she is way out of line. I really don't get why the case worker isn't stepping in and letting this woman know her behavior has crossed a line. She has gone beyond being a helpful caretaker, to being a distruptive busy body. That fact that she went to court flabbergasts me- which leads me to wonder- Why did she know when, and where this hearing would be taking place if she in no longer in the picture???

I guess all you can do is change your phone number and keep any and all corespondence, including any phone messages in case you ever need to prove you are being harrased. Keep copies of everything you send as well, and if you do send her anything asking her to stop contact, make sure you send it in writing (not email) with signature confirmation.

Good luck, and enjoy your new life as a family with your son.

(just another thought, can't an arguement be made that if her behavior is effecting your son and his contact with her was because of the foster system - not just because he saw her at school- that therefore the caseworker should have a talk with this caretaker since the case worker is your son's advocate? forgive my ignorance of the foster system if this suggestion is way off)

[redhedded]

Joby, First, congratulations to you and your family! It sounds as though you are ALL doing great and the transition is a smooth and wonderful one. And like the others, YIKES, is right! Though I will tell you, as weird as it is, with more than 10 years in social services, I have seen many a similar situation, whether it be a respite caregiver or in some cases a staff person who was there a very brief time. I agree with Sugar; keep copies of everything. Moreover, Sugar is also right; where is person centered planning. He gets to decide with whom he wants continued contact and what he feels comfortable with. Apparently he wants none. I think this has gone too far for too long. The caseworker should be the only one to address her and respond now. She needs to gently inform her that right now he is transitioning and does not need contact (which is pretty common); in my estimation, confidentiality would dictate that she needs no other information.

She should not have been privvy to the permanency hearing unless judge was asking for input, in which case that usually is collected by the psychologist in advance. There seems to be a leak in the circle of communication.

Best of luck to you. So happy for your son. Keep us posted.

[rocky1]

OMG- sounds like she is stalking you guys!!!! what a nightmare! goodluck to you. how is your little one holding up through all this?

[danhanan]

We were in a situation with some similarities. I talked to a police officer who told me that although they were breaking no laws, we were to send a registered letter (keep a copy of course) to them and inform them that we wanted the harassment to stop and that they were not to contact us in any way. Once we received the return receipt and knew that they had received our notice, we had every right to call the police if they didn't stop. We informed them in our letter that if it didn't stop legal action would be taken. Hope things are resolved for you soon.

Nancy

[mimc]

I don't really know that much about the foster care system, but even I can see that this woman is majorly overstepping her bounds here. It also sounds like the caseworker is not taking the appropriate measures to protect your child - the former caregiver should not have known about the hearing. I definitely have to wonder if she has either made a good connection with the caseworker, or if she intimidates her so much that the caseworker willingly gives out information about your situation. Either way, it's bad.

Can you speak to your caseworker's supervisor? If so, I'd demand that that person intervene with the former caregiver and let her know that her behavior in inexcusable and must stop.

I'd also consider sending a letter, certified return receipt requested, stating that her intrusions are unwelcome and must stop, that you consider her actions harassment, and that you will seek a restraining order if necessary. Either that or have a lawyer send such a letter on your behalf.

Congrats on how well your son is adapting to his new home! It sounds like things are going great, aside from the crazy woman.

[Linny]

...we were to send a registered letter (keep a copy of course) to them and inform them that we wanted the harassment to stop and that they were not to contact us in any way. Once we received the return receipt and knew that they had received our notice, we had every right to call the police if they didn't stop....
Nancy

I think this is a really good idea. I have seen this happen with other couples more often than you'd think. This business of 'keeping in touch' doesn't always pan out like 'the books would like to say'. And frankly, just having him for a few days----or even if it had been for a few months, in my book, does not constitute having contact with your family.
He IS your son now. She knew when she took him that it was a temporary venture...and nothing more.
Years ago, while we hoped to adopt foster children who were placed with us (two of them).......the 'tide turned' and the DSS admitted that 'they misrepresented themselves to us in saying that they'd be adoptable soon'. (Gee, thanks...huh?)
We had those two children for one year. Yet, when they left to another foster family (long, sad story...and it killed all of us to see them go)....WE no more expected the next family to keep in touch with us, than anyone else???? What gave US the right?
This continued contact like that, I believe, is seldom 'for the child'....but more for the foster parents themselves. IF your son had asked to stay in contact, IF he was having problems in this, then that would make sense. But he hasn't...and he's not.
Send the letter.....and block their email. It's your family, he's adjusting well...and you need to be left alone!


Sincerely,

Linny

[BabsCanada]

Yes, a letter, return receipt requested:

Dear >>>>;

It's been over two months and ***'s doing GREAT! Did I say great? I meant FANTASTIC! FABULOUS! WONDERFUL! He's decided this is his home. He feels safe. He likes us. He doesn't just tolerate us...or just feel ok. He likes being a part of the family!! Since coming to us two months ago, his grades have gone from C's and D's to A's and B's. He's on the honor roll for the first time! The kid is just glowing!! He loves his church , his new huge extended family and his dog! LOL The therapist we've been seeing said we were a poster family for adoption, the good and tough parts. We're on a good road here. We have our problems, but overall....it's an A+ situation given that our son is in the 4th grade and came from foster care! The obstacles are being surmounted.

We thank you for your wonderful gesture in stepping up to help ***'s transition in a difficult time.

We would be more than happy to send pictures and keep in touch because of your helping to make it a positive experience for him.

At this point in time, however, we really need to bond as a family, and we ask that you allow us that time, for ***'s sake. We all know that you care for him, and we appreciate that; but *** is happily becoming a part of our family, and we need to concentrate on that, more than his past upheavals.

Please respect our new family.

xxx




I used mostly your words from this post because I think you said it all so well.

I think you need to be somewhat unaggressive, non-antagonistic in a letter, but you also need to be firm.

Our dd was in foster care for 30 days. The foster mom was an older woman and I know that she did become attached to dd. Our first meeting made it clear that she really wasn't ready to give dd up! She convinced sw to delay our homecoming, and we were forced to stay in their city longer than we'd intended, but only a day, and it was OK. She sent dd with a photo album, FULL of pictures of these 30 days, all inscribed on the back with things like '*** and Mommy at Easter dinner' or '*** giving Mommy a big smile'. I thought that was a little weird for a 30 day placement! But while we have kept in touch with an annual Christmas card, we haven't had any problems at all like the degree you're experiencing from a 9 day placement.
Unfortunate that your sw isn't 'stepping up'. If you can't get thru to her, I'd try her supervisor.
Good luck!
Babs

[danhanan]

I don't mean to sound at all offensive and I hope no one takes it that way, but, although most people respond best to kindness and consideration, that's not always the case. We found out the hard way over the course of two years that leaving the door open even a little was just enough for them to push their way in. I'm afraid that if you offer at this time to keep in touch it will just negate the whole purpose of the letter. This woman has grossly overstepped her boundaries and if there is one thing we learned, it's that it's very difficult to set any boundaries at all with someone who has none. I hope this doesn't make me sound like an angry person, that's not the case at all. It just took me two years of frustration and aggravation to finally give up trying and put my foot down solidly.

Nancy

[chrisandaaron]

I agree with Nancy. If she hasn't gotten the point with your repeated requests to stop then you probably need to be brutally direct like. Please stop all phone calls, emails, and letters! I also second the certified letter thing. My husband is also a police officer and this is what he tells people they must do. We also had to do this ourselves with some crazed woman who decided she was in love with dh and would make his life miserable if he didn't speak with her. Once you've asked them to stop (especially more than once) and they don't something is WRONG! You can't give them even an inch or they will take a mile. It may seem harsh, but if you have asked her to stop contact and she hasn't then you have every right to be VERY conserned. I would be very direct with your SW stating your conserns and that you want him/her to step in and make this stop. And if he/she doesn't then I would ask to speak to their superivsor. It sounds likely that they believe she is being a bit nutty too, but just doesn't want to do anything about it. I also wouldn't hesitate to change your phone number and have your mail delivered to a post office box. I swear I am not a paranoid person, but from experience I have found that when people don't respect your direct requests to stop contacting you then you may have more to worry about than you think. Also, as several people said, save EVERYTHING and don't hesitate to tape phone calls. It all sounds pretty benign incident by incident, but when you look at it as a group it can get pretty scary!

I'm sorry you are having to go through this, but I am glad you are sticking up for the lack of contact that your son wants. Good luck and stick to your guns on this one!

Take care,
Chris

[SadieAnn]

Ok, I'm sorry if I sound a bit paranoid. But this woman sounds crazy to me, and crazy behavior sets off firebombs in my gut. I see this as "stalking". She is being "unrational" (and I think that is frightening).

The fact that she has went directly to a judge says she doesn't see anything odd in her behavior and she certainly doesn't understand boundaries.

I would get legal or police advice, and take the steps to protect your family.

Again this may sound extrme to say this, "but don't ignore signs like this and have your family end up being some headline".

(((hugs)))

[skootinalong2]

I haven't read the other responses so if this has been suggested, ignore me. Have you thought of getting a restraining order? She is invading your privacy, your peace of mind and bothering your son! If he truly does not want any contact with her, I would think you could get one. I will be praying for you.

Teralyn

[ajjhmf]

I think you're absolutly right that this women's responses are out of line. I would go with what everyone else has said and send a registered letter. Also, can your CW get involved and explain to the women that she's facing legal action if she doesn't stop. It's a good thing that you called your cw first when she called about her 'visit.' She certainly sound's like a nut case to me.

Blessings,
Jenny

[33458]

Oh my.

The suggestions to document every communication is right-on. You may need this proof to substantiate her intrusion.

The case worker - please make it clear to her how this is affecting you (your family) and that she needs to act on your behalf or that you will be left with no option but to go directly to her supervisor.
Also document these communications.

I'm wondering if the SW has been caught feeling some empathy toward the seemingly well-meaning older woman and because of that doesn't see things quite the way they are?

Is it possible to speak with the ruling judge - the one that originally allowed her to speak? It might benefit you to make an appointment (if allowed) and calmly present the situation as you've explained it here to us.

What has your son said about all this? Is he seriously disturbed, or just slightly annoyed?

Good luck. Really.