[melon161]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice. We have been matched with a little boy that's 2 1/2 years old. We were so excited when we got matched. We have a one year old son and were happy that they would be so close in age. Anyway, I started having scared feelings, like are we ready, is Asher (our 1 yr old) ready, are we going to love him as much as we love asher. I went to visit him recently and he is adorable but something was holding me back, I just don't know why I'm having these feelings. I'm just so scared and confused and everything. Has anyone else who adopted a toddler felt this way?

Stacy

[LisaCA]

hi,

we didn't adopt a toddler, but we research the possibility since it was our first thought. I think what you're experiencing is perfectly normal. a toddler is very different from a newborn: with a newborn, you feel as if s/he's almost a blank slate, at times they don't really seem sentient. And a newborn is so vulnerable, they are designed by nature for us to feel an immediate bond with them. Toddlers are definitely little humans with all the personality and feelings. Sometimes it's love at first sight, sometimes it takes a bit longer. In addition, you're matched, not placed, and you may be holding back a bit there.

from what I understand, parents often wonder about whether they'll love their children the same. Many of us experienced the "favorite" child issue in our own lives. I think you'll love this child just as much but as an individual, so it might be slightly different, not better or worse, just different since he's a different human being. it will be interesting to read what others with more knowledge and experience write.

good luck!

Lisa

[bumpkin]

Stacy - I'm sure your feelings are perfectly normal. A lot more to think about with a toddler, what experiences have they had, personality - just the pure difficulty of a toddler vs. a newborn. Also, I think that with each successive adoption, we know more that can go wrong (the longer we are on the boards - the more we learn) so sometimes I't sjust that we know too much. I know for myself that I didn't worry with the first one as much as the twins. I had more blind ignorance. If it's a good match, your fears will lessen every day - as you grow to know him as your son.

Good luck, I'm sure it will be fine. When the time comes - you'll jump in full force.

Best
bumpkin

[pwheatle]

Hi Stacy
I pm'ed you a while back...I am in Calgary. My concern when I read you had been matched with a toddler is that you were matched with a child older than your baby. Usually adoptions follow a natural birth order or at least in our neck of the woods unless there are other circumstances such as sibling group etc.
I don't mean to question you as to what you know is best however since you opened the door...
Adopting an older child is different than adopting a newborn. The newborn for the most part has no history other than you...no memories, has not experienced any other parenting styles, experienced no abuse. An older child has the potential to have lived through all of those things and will have developed opinions about how they will respond etc. Your bonding experience will be different than it was with your Asher.
As an aside...every parent I think goes through will I love the second as much as I love my first. Unequivicaly the answer is yes. I have yet to meet a parent who has had those questions who felt any differently

[Victoria Lane]

Hi Stacy,

As you know we are in the process of foster to adopt a little 6 year old girl. I have a bio son 12. When I first met S I was holding back also. Is this the right time? She's so cute, but... would I love her as much as my son? Would she have to many problems to fit into our family? Would she ever love us? My life is very good right now. Am I adding to much? Why aren't I just happy to continue on like things are without disrupting our family? What do I really know about her? Can I mother 2 children just as well as I'm mothering one? Well, we have had her in our home now for 4 months and I would lay my life down for her. It has been the best decision I have ever made. We adore her she fits in like she's been here since birth. She loves us. We're soooo happy. Just thought I'd tell you how we feel. And we wondered and held back too.
Victoria

[DebCsMom]

I haven't adopted a toddler but in each of our adoptions, as it got closer, I began to have 2nd thoughts. I think it's normal. Are we ready? Can we handle another? Will I love this child as much? Those are ALL normal feelings. We had those same feeling when we had bio children as well.

Adopting out of age order can be alittle different, but being young as they are maybe you'll be JUST FINE!!

Deb

[melon161]

Thanks so much for all the votes of confidence everyone. I'm feeling much better now. I'm glad that other people have felt the way I do. I'm starting to get excited again, as before I was just freaking out.

We thought about the birth order but being that Asher's only one I don't think it will effect him.

Stacy

[momofmykids]

Stacy,
Your feelings are perfectly normal. And, you're right about the birth order, Asher is so little, he'll never know the difference.

I have an Asher, too! His name suits him perfectly since it means "happy". I know your Asher is as much of a sweetie as mine is!

Good luck with your new adoption!

[melon161]

momofmykids, I can't believe you have an Asher too. It's such an uncommon name. My Asher suits his name too, he's such a boys boy.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Stacy

[Linny]

We have adopted a toddler(had just turned three years of age) through an older child adoption. As someone else has posted....the adoption of a toddler is not the same as an infant adoption.

But.....speaking from experience.......you also mentioned that 'there was something that was just holding you back'. I would urge you to make sure that you know everything there is to know about this little one.
At 2.5yrs......there can be a lot of damage....especially in the bonding department. Many cw'ers will say that a child that young will eventually bond to a new family. This is not always the case; and it bears a lot of 'homework' if you will, to determine all of this child's needs.
In the seven children we have adopted....three have been through two separate 'older child adoptions'. One was six years old, one was seven years old, and one was three years old. The 'then' seven year old----after four years with us and trying everything under the sun----now lives in a residential facility where he will remain through adulthood (dangerous behaviors to self and others--severly RAD). The 'then' six year old....has done pretty well....but continues to have some issues......but he has bonded 'pretty well' with our family. he's now 13yrs old.
However....the 'then three year old'....is now 10yrs old....and I have to say, despite a lot of attachment parenting.....he remains aloof in many ways. I'd go so far as to say that he is mildly RAD...and this is no piece of cake, I can tell you.
I may be going clear to the other end of the spectrum--so I apologize if this 'way off the wall'......but I know when I first met our 'then seven year old'......there was something that held me back too. I was scared to death to have him---with his incessant behaviors. But....we figured that 'with enough love and discipline and therapy...he'd come out of it'. Nothing could have been further from the truth!
I realize your feelings might not be this strong; and the feelings of 'panic' (as I call them) are also normal. Your life will be changed when adopting another child...period.
But.......IF your feelings are bordering on 'I'm not sure I can handle this child.....etc'.....THAT'S the stuff to pay attention to.
If these are your feelings.....make sure that you have several visits before you make the final decision to adopt this child. There is nothing wrong with this...and don't feel like 'well, now that we said we'd adopt him...we HAVE to do this'......because better that you notice this now, than wait until later...KWIM?
And yes, there ARE children who are totally messed up by 2.5yrs of age. This doesn't mean they don't deserve a family...but certainly the family must be a 'different one' than a traditional one.
As I said, you've not mentioned his behaviors and whether this is a reason you're feeling hesitant. If this is not an issue, I apologize to you. If it is, make sure you explore all of your options. Adopting a toddler is not the same as infant adoption.

Sincerely,

Linny

[melon161]

Hi Linny,

Thank you for all the info. My holding back a little is not because of his behavours. He's a very good little boy, but now that I've read your post I've realized that I wouldn't know how to detect signs of RAD anyway, so maybe you could give me some helpful tips. Like I said his behavior didn't pose a problem when I was visiting, he plays nicely, listens well, and hugs. One thing I did notice is that when there are a bunch of kids playing, he just watches them, he doesn't join in. This might be because he's been in a foster home with mostly adults since he was 6 months. His FP's do respite and they said he plays with those kids and holds hands with the little girl. Also, if you give him a toy, he'll play with it for like 20-30 mins. I don't know if this is just because he's very good and has a long attention span or what but most of my nieces and nephews couldn't sit still for more then 5 mins at a time.

Stacy

[redhedded]

Stacy, I must have missed this thread, because I have wondered how this situation progressed for you and your family. I think Linny has given you some great and really really important advice. If you have real concerns about your ability to parent, then you must closely examine that and act accordingly. I do not have much to add, except read his social and developmental history closely. The interactions that you mentioned are not indicative of anything; my dd, who is 2.5 DOES NOT join in playing with other kids. She is extremely confident and initiates interaction with adults; however, even at the park, she prefers solitary play, like looking at leaves and bugs. She also will read a book or work on the computer for an hour and has since 12 months. I think this is truly a personality trait rather than something to be concerned about.

Have you had extended or overnight visits with him? I wish you luck in this journey.

[StacyM]

Stacy,

I felt it was important to reply to your post...Linny had already said many of the things I was thinking. On some level, it is normal to feel nervous...but if your heart is telling you something you really must listen! Every situation is different and you have to weigh risks, so on...but if you are having doubts of any kind, please for everyone's sake, take a step back and ask a ton of questions...find out everything you can. If it feels right at that point, then go forward, but if not, it is up to you, hard as it is, to say that it isn't right, so everyone can move forward and find the right situation.

Blessings to you as you struggle with this enormous decision.

[melon161]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for all your concerns. I am feeling better. Last night Nicolas phoned and called me mommy. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm still researching some stuff but mostly I'm waiting for my husband to meet him. I want to see how things go there. I'll let you all know. He's coming on Friday so not too long now.

Stacy

[faithnhim]

Hi

My husband and I are in the process of adopting a toddler who is now 19 months old. J has been with us for about 6 weeks now and I can say that I am totally in love with him (tantrums and all).

J was in the same foster home since 4 months of age and was very attached to the family. It apears that he has been able to transfer his attachment to us (lots of eye contact, initiates affection, normal seperaion anxiety, etc).

It's been difficult at times, especially the first few weeks. One of the major differences in adopting a toddler vs a newborn is that mixed in with the bonding and nurturing, is discipline. There have been plenty of "no's" "stop it" and "be a good boy" in between the hugs and kisses.

I'm sure your uncertainty is normal. It's probably what every parent goes through whether bio or adoptive. I had some initial fears, most of which stemmed from our situation being somewhat of a legal risk.

Trust your gut, read his file, ask plenty of questions, and if you haven't already, get a copy of the book, "Toddler Adoption: the Weavers Craft."