[T&T]

Both my husband and I both LOVE genealogy. Before our daughter was born we spent numerous summers searching grave yards and ancient couthouse records in search of long lost relatives. We have multiple pictures of great-grandparents and more displayed in our house. We love feeling connected to those who came before us. I know that someday I will definately get back into this hobby, I want to finish what I started. So this is what I wrestle with, how do I persue a hobby that focuses on genetics, but then I might have to tell an adopted child, that in their case it's not really that important? I think that that would be a kind of double speak. You know, the old believe what I say, not what I do. That is not something I would be comfortable with.

Our biological daughter will have access to her roots, deep roots. I am afraid that if our adopted child doesn't feel connected to hers that that will become a source of polarization between the two of them. If we didn't have this love for genealogy I don't think that we would have a problem going for an international adoption. Please don't misunderstand, we don't care that the child won't be genetically tied to us, that is not an issue with us. Our concern has to do with how the child will feel. We never want our adopted child to feel like the odd person out.

Has anyone else with a love for geneaolgy struggled with this ???

Thanks in advance, I look forward to hearing from you.

[GinnyBinny]

I as a bmother had a simular concern. My bson has a sister who until recently did not have an open adoption. I worried when I made an album for my bson with pictures of his bfamily that his sister would feel upset that he had that and she didnt. Fortunetly though she recently found her birthfamily and now she has an album of her own. I was so happy to hear that they contacted her birthfamily and it was awesome to see her album. I am so happy that she now has one too.

If you have an open adoption with your next child then you can have the geneolgy that you want for him/her and wouldnt have to worry about that difference between your bio child and your adopted child. Your child can not only see pictures but ask his/her bfamily questions about his/her's bio great great grandparents, great grandparents, great aunts and uncles..and many bmothers are happy to make a scrapbook/album. I really enjoyed making my bson's scrapbook and while making it I learned more about my great great grandparents and other relatives that I never met.


I just read an older post of yours about deciding about open domestic adoption or international adoption. I have heard of international adoptions where there is semi openness. I remember seeing a show about an international adoption and the aparents and bmother exchanged letters and pictures through the agency. I think the show was 'an adoption story' on discovery health channel.

[candicebzb]

Hi,

I have been doing genealogy for about 15 years now. My neice and nephew became interested when they were just 8 and 10 years old. My genealogy is only half of theirs and they became fascinated with developing the other half with my guidance.
I hope to soon adopt a doughter and hope that I can add her to my own family tree. If and when she wants to trace her birth tree I'll spend time helping her with hers also.
I have several cousins, aunts and uncles who have adopted. All have the same place on my tree as the natural children of the family. Most of them are thrilled to be a part of it.
Good luck and good hunting
Candice

[T&T]

To better understand our concerns regarding genealogy and adoption it might be helpful to read our other thread A Fork in the Road. If we are lucky enough to be blessed with a domestic open adoption, then yes we would love to do some research on the adopted child's family, then we shouldn't be a problem. Our concerns stem from the fact that we might have to persue an international adoption. We have talked to an agency about Guatemalan adoption and there is some hope that we could have some contact with a birth mother. As far as doing genealogical research for Guatemalan families, we are not sure how feasible that would be given that some of the families are poor and move about frequently.

[Big Dreamer]

I agree with Ginny in an Open Adoption you can get alot of information for a family tree.

Stars great grandmother (birth family side) sent her several very special blankets one of which we used as part of her coming home outfit another we had with us when the adoption was final.

Next week H's family will be giving Star a birthday party where she will meet her great grandmother (Sue) along with a long list of aunts and uncles all of whom I plan to do a short interview on video tape so that Star can also have living record of her birth family.

For me geaniology is not so much the issue, for me I want Star to know both sides of her family. Though they are not addressed as Aunt so and so or Grandma they are all a very important part of her past, present and future.

Hugs to all,

Maria

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by T&T

So this is what I wrestle with, how do I persue a hobby that focuses on genetics, but then I might have to tell an adopted child, that in their case it's not really that important? I think that that would be a kind of double speak. You know, the old believe what I say, not what I do. That is not something I would be comfortable with.

While my family doesn't have pictures dating back years hanging on the walls, or family trees on formal display, or even a copy of one of our few tartans, stories of those who came before us were always a big deal, along with other traditions. I struggled with this before adoptiing, I wanted to be able to incorporate my child's cultural history, the one specific to our child's family more so than the culture at large. I had to realize as soemone else said, what is important to me may bot be to my child, but I also had to realize what isn't important to me may be very imporant to my child. In the end we have a very open adoption, we waited 2 and three quarters years to bring our baby home. We have access to extensive history on our child's maternal and paternal birthfamilies. Even though we didn't seek it, our cultrual path is very closely related to our child's cultural path.

It's true, you can never know if your future child will care as much as you for your hobby, does your current child really care either? BUT, personally if I did one thing for one child, I would want to make the effort to do it for another. So whether you go the domestic or the international route, I would make the effort to discover your future child's roots. It could be one of the most meaningful things you ever do for your child in showing them that they are one of your family, that you value their history as much as you value your other child's history. I'd rather assume the child will care and make the effort. I also think of future generations, the children of your future child may care very much about any information you gather.

All that said, it is possible to have be a happy family without all of the genealogy. We can not predict how our children will be.

I just want to quickly reference the quote above, under what circumstances could imagine telling an adopted child that in their case it's not really imporant? That is not for us to decide. One gift you can give to a child you adopt are the skills you have and the desire you have to search roots. You can say to your child, whether they are adopted domestically or international, I don't know about your history, but darn it, if you want to find out I'll to my best to find out for you- and then make it your mission to do what you can. Are you willing to go grave hopping, even if it means going to a foreign land, if your adopted child expresses the need?

[Missourimomtobe]

You know, several adoption books talk about creating an sort of family "wheel" for your child ... instead of a family tree.

Think of a visual that looks like a pie cut in four pieces. Two pieces are the bio families, two are the parent's families. When you think of any family tree, you know there will always be blank pieces because you just can't find the info. Less importance is placed on "where I came from" than the concept of "this is my family" ...

If you don't know much about your child's bio family, those would be the blank pieces for now, whereas other parts of the child's family would be well represented. As they grow, and if they find out info, they can add to the wheel. I like this concept because it gives the child the ability to fill in any piece of the wheel at a given time (i.e. gives them comfort that they are part of a big picture with lots of relatives who love them).

Consider doing something like this: Instead of doing your family "tree", create a wheel that includes you, your husband, and each child's (as they come along) family in the wheel. You would ultimately wind up with a family wheel that has many spokes (pie sections) and shows the children that it's not where you came from that matters, it's the fact that you are part of a huge family that loves each of you for who you are.

Peace,

[kelleymac]

I am a the adoptive mom of a Guatemalan boy and your concerns are well-founded. In Guatemala, in many cases the birthmom comes from a poverty-stricken background and finding information may be difficult. That said, our SW report (received at end of adoption) gave a wealth of information about Jonah's birthmom and her family and situation. In addition, each person born in Guatemala is given a unique ID number, and you may have luck learning about extended family that way.

Finally, my grandmother was adopted domestically in 1912. Although "M," "E," and "JJ" (her mom, dad and stepdad) are not related to me biologically, their rich history is part of the fabric of my life too. Your adopted child will feel a kinship with your bio relatives because you do, and that important part of their/your history shouldn't be neglected.

Best,
Kelley