[deedlebug983]

Ok, need some help here...

My husband & I been selected by a birth mom who is due in two weeks. We're very excited and thrilled to be chosen, but we're really concerned about the health of the baby & bmom. The bmom has only been to the doctor ONE time during her entire pregnancy and that was in her 1st trimester - everything was fine. She has no insurance and makes too much money to be covered by Medicaid - which basically means that we are going to have to pay out of pocket expenses for the delivery & hospital stay - OUCH! My husband & I agreed that we would feel more comfortable with her getting checked out by a DR before the delivery - in the event that there were major medical issues that needed to be addressed.
I finally found a doctor that is WILLING to see her this late in her pregnancy; however, the bmom won’t make the appointment. She doesn’t seem interested in going to the doctor or getting any medical care AT ALL until the baby is born. This isn’t her first pregnancy and she seems really committed to the adoption. I'm really at a loss here. I know that she is going through a difficult time right now, and I really want to be sensitive to her needs, but her unconcern in the health of her & her baby is a little frightening to me. She has admitted to drinking every week during the pregnancy and doesn't do drugs. My doctor told me that we should not walk but RUN away from this situation immediately. She said that there is probably something the bmom isn’t telling us that she doesn’t want to come up during an exam. "She'll tell you anything you want to hear so that you will take that baby".
(I know, I know, pretty harsh).

Has anyone had an experience like this? Is prenatal care really THAT important in the long run? Why would she just refuse to go to the doctor? Should we walk away from this situation? At this point we're just scared for the health of the baby & bmom.

[Emster]

I would be very uncomfortable with that whole situation, especially considering the alcohol use. The only thing you could plan for at this point is from a worst case scenario, and then take it from there. FAS is a big possibility, and would go beyond initial birth expenses. It doesn't go away. Are you prepared for this? Does your attorney have any advice from working with prior cases? If you don't decide to run, you might consider praying...

I hope you guys can get the information you need to make a solid decision you can live with. I'll say a prayer for you and your family (and the birthmother!).

[cynthia900]

Hi,

That is a difficult question. I would make the appointment for her and explain that she had to keep it in order for the match to continue. She may or may not be hiding something - she may be worried about something that is or is not true or she may just hate going to the doctor. Speculation is not always helpful and I wouldn't run without giving her the chance to step up to the plate.

By the way, both my children had no prenatal care and were perfectly healthy at birth - it is not that uncommon unfortunately.

Good luck

Cynthia

[Volfe]

Well, one question I want to address first is, why wouldn't she go to the Dr. Though there are many reasons, perhaps costs. Perhaps secrecy. Perhaps laziness. Perhaps sheer neglect.

As for why she has no ins. I think making too much is a weak excuse b/c all states have the extra program, the Children's Health Insurance Program (named diff in each state). This is a safety for those who make too much for Medicaid. Ask your atty to check into it.

Should you walk away?
I think the other poster is correct in suggesting that you prepare for FAS, HIV, withdrawal symptoms, etc. etc. AT least be at peace with the worst, the best is possible too. This match seems to be a gamble, IMO.

Good luck. I'll hope for the Best!
Maia

[deedlebug983]

Thanks for your responses. We have made an appointment for tommorow night to discuss all of this with her. I think we just need to stand firm and let her know our concerns. We've waited SO long to get "the call" and now that it is here it's hard to turn it down. Also, we are dealing with an adoption agency and have not talked to or met with an attorney yet. Our social worker told us that we really didnt need to at this time. Do you disagree with this?
Please send us positive vibes tomorrow evening! Thanks again for all of your responses.

[cynthia900]

Hi -

Sounds like a good plan. I don't think you need an attorney now - assumed you were going that route because you found her the doc and not the agency. Personally I would ask the agency to get involved here - it is part of what you are paying them for... Absolutely meet with her and be firm - but do not stay with the situation just because you have been waiting - if you do not in your heart feel this is right for you. Your child will find you. I hope that this is it. My positive vibes are with you tonight and tommorrow and for the next two weeks - such stress!

Good luck

Cynthia

[LisaCA]

okay, my fil is an educated person in his 70s, a civil engineer with a Masters degree. He doesn't want to go to the doctor because "they always find something wrong". He prefers not to go, just so he doesn't hear the bad news- . we don't get it, but that's his feeling. your pbmom may feel the same way. If she doesn't go to docs she may not want to hear what's wrong with her (not the child). She may also not trust them. there is definitely a lack of trust in certain communities.

I don't know what to tell you. if you're willing to accept all the possible problems that this child may face (or walk away if you must at the child's birth), then this could be the match for you. prenatal care isn't necessary, but only if the mom is healthy and the baby is. the problem is that the only way to know if something may be wrong is by visiting the doc. dd's bmom did not have prenatal care til her 5th month, but had been seeing school nurses and was a vegetarian/nonsmoker/nondrinker/no drugs. Dd was just fine and she had a pretty uneventful pregnancy til the last couple of weeks.

and I'd see an attorney asap, esp if you're paying for hospital costs.

one of the things that we were advised is that there is no one baby for us, that there would be other possibilities. Think of each situation as a discrete one, separate from all others. If you walk away from this one, you will have others presented to you, even though you're doubting it.

good luck

lisa

[Missourimomtobe]

I'm glad you're meeting with her, too. At least she has admitted the alcohol use so you can at least anticipate FAS based on her particular situation. If you haven't already researched both that and drug exposure issues, please try to before you talk with her.

Personally, we are adopting a drug-exposed newborn because we feel more comfortable that we can handle issues that will likely arise. We weren't comfortable with FAS babies, however. Every couple has to weigh its ability to handle problems that arise from either exposure.

Having said that, that's exactly why I would be very wary at this point of this situation. She may be perfectly honest with you or she may be hiding something. I think you've got a 50-50 shot of either one right now, so this could all turn out nicely!

However, our bio mom is a confessed drug user and Hep C positive, and host to many other illnesses but nonetheless immediately agreed to doctor visits to make us more comfortable with adopting her baby. I suppose I'm wondering why this woman is shying away from that. She's admitted alcohol usage ...

So the part that makes me MOST nervous is expecting paid medical care when you have no idea if she IS hiding some serious illness that will cause higher than average expenses for the birth. Possibly such high expenses that you might have no way of paying and shouldn't be agreeing to pay. You ought to at least be given that much consideration before you sign on the dotted line for all those potential dollars!

Be cautiously optimistic but don't let your hearts overrule your heads. And your baby will come, I promise. Whether it's in two weeks or not, I don't know. But he or she will find you.

Peace,

[SadieAnn]

I am concerned that agency SW told you that you didn't need to talk to an atty yet. Basically it's OK to get the facts first, but I wouldn't make any decisions without consulting an atty. It's such an emotional decision, it can be helpful to run it by an atty. Someone you are paying to be objective and look out for only your interests. Of course someone who is knowledgeable about adoption.

I'm not as concerned about lack of prenatal care thus far as her holding back now to go to a dr. Obviously she needs to go now, baby is soon here.

As others have said, since she has admitted to the alcohol consumption I think you have to prepare for the worst.

Completely understand finally getting the "call". I hope this is "the one"! Good luck! (((hugs)))

[BethanyB]

I would be very concerned about the alcohol itself if nothing else. The experts have said that FAS can have much worse results than drug exposure. Have you REALLY looked into FAS and all that it can incompass?
Drinking once a week for the whole pregnancy is pretty scary. I would not be as concerned about the prenatal care.

On the other hand, there are probably MANY birthmothers out there that HAVE drank during their pregnancies and have not admitted to doing so. I was, for example, willing to take a drug exposed child. Which is what I got. I was not open to a child with FAS. BUT just because bmom tested for drugs at birth does not mean that she wasn't drinking too. I think most doctors can tell at birth if a child has FAS by the facial features but I'm not sure. So really bmoms don't have to be honest about their alcohol or drug use. If my son's bmom wasn't already in the system for a previous drug addicted child, my son may have never been taken from her at birth. He did not TEST positive for drugs at birth. But SHE did. She also tested positive for drugs SEVERAL times during her pregnancy with him. So they do consider him exposed from her using while he was in the womb. But he showed all signs of good health at birth. He could very well have learning issues or ADHD later on in life. But we won't know until we get there.

So you really need to weigh your feelings and also think of what you are able to handle. Go with your gut instinct!

[katmom2]

Our dd's bmom only saw the doctor 3 times while she was pregnant and that was only because we pushed the issue. We were very concerned that she had not seen a doctor and was in her 8 month. So she went once during her 8 month and twice during the 9th month. We also got her to do an ultrasound which made us feel alot better. Our baby turned out perfectly normal and was healthy(we did a lot of praying). We were also worried our bmom was hiding something. This was not her first pregnancy so she just wasn't concerned with going. I have heard this is very common that birthmom's do not go to the doctor. I know this is very scary for you. We felt the same way. When you meet with her tomorrow I would definitely encourage her to go and maybe you could take her or meet her there or the sw could take her. Just be honest and tell her about your concerns.

amom to
dd 7 years old
ds 4 years old
dd 6 weeks old

[Gabby'sNana]

Just follow your heart. You will know if it's right for you or not. If she's had babies before, she may not want to go to the doctor and get an exam until she has to. If you are worried about the drinking maybe you could have a talk with her and find out how much she is drinking. I ho0e it works out for you!

good luck!
Your friend in Jesus!
Kelly

[spaypets]

I have no advice about continuing the match, but I do have advice about paying for the delivery.

Most hospitals have charity care policies that are more generous than Medicaid qualifications. You should check with the hospital to see if she qualifies for such care. Then you wouldn't be on the hook for the hospital bill.

[Big Dreamer]

Hi,

Several years ago in our first potential adoption experience we went through a similar situation.

Pbmom (Potential Birth Mom) was pregnant with her sixth child. She claimed to have no insurance and felt that since she had been pregnant many times before she didn’t feel that she needed to see a doctor. At times she said she said she wanted a mid wife because it was cheaper. She said having a mid wife would be easier, that way she could have the baby at home and not have to worry about where the other kids are.

We lived in TX she in Ohio towards the seventh month she called and said she was having complications so hubby insisted that I fly up there and help take care of her. When I got there she was fine. After a few weeks I put my foot down and told her that we would walk away if she didn’t see a doctor. I finally convinced her to go to a free clinic for an Ultrasound that showed the baby to be fine.

As time progressed she admitted to drinking wine on a regular basis (almost daily) then I found out about the pot. I was so desperate I encouraged her to stop the behavior, in my heart I kept thinking if I could save one of these kids all of this time and stress will be worth it.

Since I was going in and out of her apartment several times a day I got to know the neighbors. During her 8th month one neighbor informed me that G had no intention of placing she simply liked the attention and the fact that I cook, clean and take care of the kids.

Two weeks before the due date I sat down with her and confronted her on several things.

She was afraid to go to a doctor because she was on Probation for abandonment of her kids. She said she left them in her car unattended for a few hours while she went grocery shopping.

Had an up coming court date because her two youngest 12 month old and two year old where in the car when she was pulled over the kids were sitting on the floor board instead of being in the car seat.

She claimed she was afraid to go anywhere because she thought someone could smell the pot and force her to take a blood test that would prove she was doing more than just wine and pot.

I asked if she planned on placing and she said no.

Needless to say I packed and returned home empty handed and broken hearted.

A few weeks later her attorney called and wanted to know if we wanted the children since she was facing jail time on drug charges. I said yes we would take them all provided she and her husband terminate their rights.

Being the kind of person she was she chose to allow the children to go to foster care then give them a permanent home.

Here are some questions to consider.

Has the agency gotten proof of pregnancy?

Has anyone seen her, is she really pregnant?

When is her due date?

Are you guys being asked to pay for living expenses?
Note: Paying any type of expenses is no guarantee a bfamily will place. Any money you spend is considered a donation and is NOT Refundable. In most states the money must go through an agency if a “donation” is given on the side it could be considered bribery and can put the adoption at risk.

How much contact has she had with the agency?

Is she getting any type of counseling?
Most counselors can tell if a bmom is truly considering a placement and can usually tell the bmom is serious or playing games.

Why isn’t the agency asking the tough questions? That is what you are paying them for. In my opinion as prospective parents our job is to build a relationship with the Pbfamily.

Please consider making a list of questions and hold the agency accountable for getting them answered as soon as possible.

Did she find you or did you find her through the agency?Unfortunately some agencies “let things flow”. In my opinion if they don’t ask the questions we need answered then adoptive parents and potential birth moms get hurt when they really didn’t need to.

In many states an Insurance supplement is usually available to pregnant women especially if they are single. Do some research and find out what your state allows. Paying a hospital bill in this day and age is very rare (it happens, in many cases it doesn’t need to). Usually agencies can arrange immediate medical care.

If you continue with this match talk to the hospital and find out what type of financial arrangement can be made. Often the person who leaves the hospital with the baby is responsible for the bill.

If you become liable for the bill make sure that a letter of revocation is done so that the bfamily can't reclaim the baby. I would hate for you to have a $15,000.00 bill and no baby.

If she continues to not get treatment you can always wait till the baby is born before making a decision to adopt. You can wait for blood tests and the apgar test to make a decision.

Where is the bfather? Is he willing to sign or can he put your adoption at risk?

Feel free to send me a PM (click on Big Dreamer) I will respond and call you if you want me to.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

Maria

[chrisandaaron]

Sending you positive vibes for tonight!!! I understand your frustration with pbmom's lack of interest in the babies health and going to the doctor. So my prayers are with you and your family.

Good luck with you meeting!

Chris