[jaenelle]

I was browsing through some of the adoptive parent profiles that come up in some areas of this site, and now I'm worried that DH and I won't have chance to adopt.

These couples are so perfect and so much better than we are. All the ones I've looked at have higher education -- a lot of them have master's degrees even. DH and I don't, although I have a fairly good job that I can walk to, with good health insurance and benefits, and DH will be going to nursing school soon.

A lot of them will have one stay-at-home parent which we won't be able to afford to do. They obviously make a lot of money -- they have nice homes in the suburbs. DH and I live in a single wide in a very small town.

If I was a birth mother I know which one I'd most likely choose for my child, and it wouldn't be the people who live in the single wide in the sticks!

How can we compete with people like that? No matter how much love we have for a child, will we always come up short compared to wealthier, more "citified" people?

[Mommy2amiracle]

Hi, Kati!

Welcome to the board! Don't be discouraged! Every birthmother is looking for something specific for their child and that is not always well off, suburb living couples. I think the most important qualification is LOVE I'm sure that you will get lots of replies of encouragement. Good luck and keep us updated!!

[anina]

Hi! Ohh Do not be so discouraged. My social worker told us that it is not all about money. It is about giving the child a good home, stability,and lots and lots of love. The bmoms are all different and it is so neat when a match is made. God knows which bmom is yours and it will happen when it is time. Don't put yourself down and look at all the others and what they do and do not have. Our bmom picked us because we liked Blues Clues. I had made a cake with him on it for one of my day care children and that did it. Just be honest and you will be fine. We all live in different places at different times in our lives. Do not be so hard on yourself. Hang in there and let me know how it all goes.

Anina

[jaenelle]

Thank you both for your replies and your kind words. DH and I are a ways off from being able to adopt, but I'm trying to do as much research as we can on various types of adoption, and I keep running into criteria of some type that we don't fit or aren't ideal at least-- age, length of marriage, $$, etc. Sometimes it's discouraging and I feel like I need reassurance that it will all work out for us. Thanks for giving me that!

[poullafouca]

My mother lived in a fairly nice home in the english suburbs and my father lived in a single wide in Essex, in the countryside. Guess who was the better parent?

It's nothing to do with money, hopefully you will find a lovely expectant mother who absolutely knows that.

much luck.

you know what Coco Chanel (of all people, said) "if you were born without wings, do nothing to prevent them from growing."

Poulla

[SadieAnn]

I'm sure if you asked some of those couples you were reviewing they'd have their list of items they are scared will be unacceptable to a bparent. I'm afraid it's the nature of a "waiting" aparent to focus on our negatives. Bparents are as unique as each of us, and there is a match out there for you. Good luck!!!!

[nycfsa]

Don't get discouraged. As other people said, every birthmother is different. You and your husband's profile may appeal to someone who has a similar background.

Our son's birthmother honestly didn't care about our background, and I don't think she even read our profile (we found her through the newspaper, not online).

Another couple contacted us after seeing our profile online, and they had chosen us because we look like them. I don't think they read our profile either, because when they called us they didn't seem to know anything about us. So don't worry

[jaenelle]

Well, that doesn't sound as bad as I thought it might. Maybe there will be a birthmother out there that likes us.

[Leigh131313]

OH, I remember feeling SO inferior in the adoption class that we had to take at our agency. I couldnt imagine anyone picking us over those amazing couples.....but ya know what? Every birthmother is different....they look for different things. The right situation will come along, and you will be perfect for it.

I think we've all been in your shoes.

Leigh

[amom4life]

Kati~ Give the expectant bparents more credit and that will also put your fears of not being chosen to rest. A lot of them will care more about who you are and if you will truly love and care for their child more than what you have materially.

We had fears too about not being chosen. I think we all do at some point. Don't sweat it, when the time comes you will be chosen...then you get the nerve wracking fun of waiting!

Good for you for researching all your options ahead of time!
Blessings!
Judy

[lisa in venice]

The first time we were chosen, we were students living on a grad student stipend (think poverty level). We lived in a 150 year old walk up apartment. We were chosen. The secoind time we were living in Los Angeles in a one bedroom apartment living on my dh's post-doc salary (think just above poverty level) and we were chosen. The third time dh was making a decent living and we had a very small but comfortable house that we had just remodeled. It took all of the money we had and I had to do a lot of the work myself. We still lived in the heart of the city, no large yard or suburban dream home and already had two children. Who would choose us. We were chosen. With #4 we understood that it wasn't about the house or the neighborhood or our advanced ages it was about the kind of home we could provide.

I am not saying that those things are unimportant. They are part of what makes you special. We played up that fct that we didn't live in the 'burbs. We have really cool neighbors and a level of diversity that we couldn't find in any other place. Our house is small but we made it unique and if "fits" our lifestyle. What stood out for the birth family of #4 was the fact that we had lots of kids and lived in a diverse area. She was okay that the house wasn't perfect and liked that I am handy. You will find someone who likes BECAUSE of your home and your lifestyle. Your job is to get out there and find the right one.

lisa

[Overwhelmed!]

Kati- When the time is right, God will lead you both to the right expectant mother. Jacob's birthmother chose us because we could relate to her in certain areas...i.e. we had large extended families that are very important to us, reading daily to our children was important, etc. We aren't rich, but comfortable enough to provide for a child and that's what was important to her. We were honest that our child would be attending public schools, not private (she preferred that) and that we'd both have to work (she was okay with that too). We just finalized Jacob's adoption yesterday and it felt wonderful!

There will be some unique qualities about you and your husband that will appeal to an expectant mother...you just never know what it is. Don't sell yourselves short!

Best of luck in your adoption journey...the research part can seem overwhelming (it was for us when we began) so if you have specific questions, please feel free to PM me.