[redhedded]

More than likely most of the rude, intrusive, and hurtful comments will be coming out of the mouths of people you know, ie., family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, your hairdresser, your neighbor, etc. Just think about it . . . . when you see a family that is clearly an adoptive family (we’ll just say a CC couple with an Indian, Chinese or AA toddler) do you feel compelled to start firing away and making rude comments to them about how their family was created? Now certainly there are people out there who would do this, and maybe I’m just giving us humans too much credit, but I don’t think most people really want to approach strangers and issue insensitive comments about that person’s family and how it was created. On the other hand, your family member, friend, or co-worker, etc., are more likely to feel comfortable enough to ask the questions or make the types of comments that will send you overboard. IMO, it’s not the “strangers” you have to worry about protecting yourself and your family from, but it’s the “strangers you know.”

Just wanted to say that every single rude and insensitive and offensive remark that has ever been made to us came from a total stranger. They walked up and spewed their venom without provocation or prior relationship. So, I for one, believe that it is very often the total strangers in your life who will try to force their unkind view or judgment on you. Be prepared for them. Fortunately, we just spent a lovely week in New Orleans where we were received warmly (and told what a beautiful family we were) by every single soul that we encountered.

[Kelli]

redhedded, welcome back! I really like New Orleans and the people there too. Glad you had a nice time!

I would add that one other aspect of these discussions is always the "idealism" vs "realism" discussion.

You're absolutely right Spaypets! How did I forget about that one??!! I'm sure there are probably others too.

Lisa, I agree with everything you said. I also agree that posing the question "why are you offended . . . ?" really cuts to the heart of the matter in terms of beginning to understand differing viewpoints. I think it would be an interesting and informative new twist on this subject.

Kelli

[kelleymac]

Okay, I'll lay myself on the line and tell you why those remarks offend me.

It cuts to the heart of whether I feel I'm an adequate parent for an AA child. I stand by all of the things I said previously: I'm not prepared for myself or my child to take on the battle that they will face from society...and deep down (way deep where I don't like to look at it) I know that's cowardly. SOMEONE has to face those battles. If someone hadn't, I couldn't vote, gays couldn't get benefits for partners, and a host of other changes that I consider positive simply would not have come to pass. And because I feel inadequate, I find myself reacting defensively to comments like those. (not to anyone on the forum, but to the truth of the comment and how close to home it hits.)

My husband and I did a lot of soul searching on this issue and we were brutally honest with ourselves and one another. Things came out of his mouth I hadn't expected to hear, and vice versa. We made the best choice for us, and ultimately, I don't want ANYONE to parent a child they don't feel capable of...special needs, transracial, step-parent, etc. If you can't do good job, if you feel inadequate to the task then DON'T, because the child suffers.

And then I look at the waiting children...those beautiful kids of AA, hispanic, native american and other minority race and my heart aches for them.

You're absolutely right...someone needs to step up. And I do regret that I have limitations that prevent me from adopting an AA child.

Kelley

[BethanyB]

I do believe the the people who are offended by things do say why. I think I always tell why a statement or a certain viewpoint hurts or offends me.

I have no problem with people making the choice to adopt a child of their own race. To me, it makes perfect sense to want a child to look like you. Many people who adopt are proud of the fact that they have done so. The are not embarrased of that fact, but they don't want to have to explain their life story every time they go to the mall. I get that totally.

What upsets me is when people are willing to accept any child except full AA. If you and your husband are walking through the mall with a Chinese baby, people are going to know you have adopted. So why not be open to "full" AA if you are open to any other race?
Why does this upset me? Because MY son is "full" AA. And when people say the "anything BUT full AA" statement, what does that say about the value of MY son? When people say, "I'm not comfortable with THAT culture", what does that say about MY sons culture?

The same thing with the whole community aspect. Many people think that if they don't live in an AA community that they can't adopt an AA child. But they are willing to adopt an Asian or Hispanic child in that same WHITE community. Believing that only AA children need to know people of their own race and culture.

So I do believe that I share "why" I get upset at some statements. I know my son is the best thing on earth and if I don't speak up for what I believe, I don't think I could look at myself in the mirror every morning.

And due to reading the adoption forum posts, I have changed view points on several things. I have learned from others perpectives and stories. So maybe someone can learn from mine.

[LisaCA]

hi kelley,

I think your soul-searching is exactly what's required to adopt transracially (actually any kind of adoption, but that's not the point here ). I have absolutely no problem with anyone doing what you did. And bethanyb is also right,the problem for me is accepting other races/ethnicities assuming they will be somehow "easier". as BethanyB says there are issues adopting an asian, latino, etc. child and placing them in that all white community. If you do plan to adopt transracially, you need to think about what your child will experience, what their life will be like, how you can make life easier for you child. Maybe a move to a more integrated community, an integrated school, etc. is in order. I guess what breaks my heart is the idea that some folks don't do the soulsearching that kelley and her dh did, will assume that these battles that "they" will fight will somehow be diminished by love.

I can't even tell you how many students i have talk to me about their lives, usually because I've mentioned that I planned to adopt or have adopted dd. I had one woman of indian descent who was adopted (by an adopted professional) into a home with white parents in an all white community and all of the other adopted kids in her house were black. This young woman knew she wasn't white, and so she now sees herself as a black woman, even attended a black college for a year, etc. Her relationship with her native India is at best problematic for her. One other student was adopted transracially (she's black), and suffers tremendous angst about how she fits in with the world, beyond the normal college angst. Hers is based solely on race, having little sense of a community with other AAs, having grown up in a virtually all white community. One other student of mine was not adopted but is of Afro-caribbean descent (both parents). his family works out on rural Native american reservations, in communities that are white and native american. he comes to college and has absolutely no clue about being an African american male (and gay as well, but that's another story). He actually ventured into a predominantly aa community, at my urging, to find a barber and was "surprised" that "they were nice" to him. This is what can happen if things aren't handled properly-these kids (I've talked about here) have no idea of their place in the world, have problems fitting themselves into the fabric of the US, and are severely alienated from the community to which we tie them. It is causing severe angst for them, not to mention me, who, as the only black professor with which they feel they can share these things, acts as their counselor and teacher. their parents loved them with all their heart, that is clear, but a couple of important skills were not given to these kids and they suffer. I won't go on with the examples of "biracial" kids that I know-time to stop here .

lisa

[spaypets]

Bethany, I do hear and understand what you're saying and agree with you, but what I think happens is the same old "idealism" vs "reality" discussion.

I was a grown person before I realized that some minorities were more "acceptable" than others (silly me, the bigots I knew were equal opportunity). But for those who were raised with that kind of stratification--even if they don't believe it--they have to acknowlege the reality of their lives and communities. In that sense, it would be "easier" to adopt a minority child who isn't AA.

I'm not defending it, I'm not saying it's right. I'm just pointing out the reality. It's terribly sad.

Of course the point about raising a child who isn't of your culture as "white" is a good one. I think that internationally adopting parents have been educated about the importance of at least getting together with other families like theirs and embracing elements of Chinese, Indian or whatever culture. The reality is, though, that you can never be Chinese or Indian--my hope is that by the time my dd gets to college there will be so many families formed by intermarriage and adoption that the borders will be breaking down.

[Sleeplvr]

I heard a radio program discussing the history of adoption in the AA community and went is search of additional information online.

I found a paragraph that kinds sums up advertising to the AA community. Notice it's from 1970. Has anything changed?

"Recruitment aimed at eliciting sympathy is completely ineffectual in the black community. Some adoption publicity is highly insulting and derogatory to the black community, particularly the publicity which in effect says black families aren’t interested in adoption and white families are. We try to build our newspaper articles and news releases around the concept that black families have always adopted at a much higher rate than white families, although the arrangements have usually been informal. Recruiting, based on demonstrated concern and love for children by the black community, obtains the best results."
Source: Clarence D. Fischer, “Homes for Black Children, Part II,” Lutheran Social Welfare 10 (Fall 1970).

[kllee4]

Wow! I think I remember LisaCA raising that important point first on here: the fact that AA do adopt at higher percentages but that the adoptions are usually familial in nature (within families or communities). I remember my grandmother telling me that for as long as she could remember, her mother and each generation ahead always kept extra seats at the table because you never knew who was going to stop by and need a meal. She said that her grandmother told her that this occurred during slavery when even on the slave ships, the slaves took care of one another. At that one horrific moment, no matter where they were from, they all shared the same things - the color of their skin and the horrible circumstances surrounding their enslavement. During slavery there were always women who were in charge of caring for the slave children whose mothers worked in the fields, truly a village raising the children. For those of us who can remember childhoods filled with older family members, neighbors or friends of our parents who sheltered, shielded, fed, scolded and loved us, this is the history of where that tradition began. Even after overcoming four hundred years of oppression (have we really?), this is one thing that remains, AAs do take care of their own when they can (and sometimes, even when they can't)!

[MMC66]

I lived in South Carolina for several years and saw what you are talking about first hand. Where I live now in New England, tha AA populaton is more "mixed in" with the general population. I guess there are pluses and minuses to all that. I haven't seen the sense of community that I saw in the Black community there EVER in a white population. It's awesome - I miss it. I wasn't black but I was the sickle cell nurse and everyone knew me and I was accepted anywhere. I had the priveledge to see and experience the rich AA culture and "taking care of their own" that you are referring to first hand. Did I mention how much I miss it I hope somehow I can help Addy see that she carrries a part of all that with her.

Thanks for your post,

Martha

[Sleeplvr]

In case anyone wants to look the website. It's the Adoption History Project. It has detailed information on the culture of adoption. They even have info on the Orphan trains.

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/index.html

The practice of remaining low key recruiting AA families has not changed either.

"We have done no recruitment of applicants, beyond utilizing the excellent cooperation offered by the mass media. We have actually found it necessary to low-key our publicity, to avoid becoming overwhelmed with applicants. Long waiting lists must be avoided as a quick response is essential. We believe we could recruit enough black families in the Detroit area to keep 20 social workers busy."
Source: Clarence D. Fischer, “Homes for Black Children, Part II,” Lutheran Social Welfare 10 (Fall 1970).

[kllee4]

Thanks, Martha. I come from a family of educators and professionals who never let us forget our heritage. Any time I came home with a grade that was less than my best, I was often reminded that my best is the only thing that was acceptable since my ancestors were denied the privilaege. How could I justify doing less when for them death was imminent if "schooling" was ever discovered. I have never forgotten that and use the same discussion when my own children become lax with their studies.


Sleeplvr,
That quote saddens me for some reason. How could too many black families willing to adopt be a problem if they were placed in loving homes with people who cared about them? You're right, though, there doesn't seem to be a priority in recruiting AA families (even though that was 1970) and more needs to be done, although I'm not sure what.

[Sleeplvr]

That quote was from an AA adoption agency in 1970. It is sad and strange that not much has changed since then.
I attend a Church that has an adoption and foster care ministry. They have a team set-up to help Church members navigate the system. I have never heard it mentioned during Sunday service. I found out through word of mouth. I think there are numerous reasons why it remains low key. I think they want to discourage AA people from placing children for adoption.

Using my in-laws as an example. Adopting a child is something wonderful and you will be commended for giving a child a home. Placing a child for adoption is a stigma. You will never hear the end of it. My husband had a cousin that signed away his paternal rights when he was in high school and did not tell the family. They found out after the fact and will not let it go. He is in his mid thirties now and it is still brought up on a regular basis.
The AA community wants to encourage adopting a child but not placing. If you advertise more it might cause more AA women to place. How do you advertise to recruit adoptive parents without bringing in more birth moms?

[kllee4]

Sleeplvr,

You raised a very interesting point. I guess it would be a double-edged sword, so to speak. But wouldn't it be better to first educate the community about adoption (formal adoptions) and risk more mothers thinking of alternative choices than abortion, or raising the child in certain undesirable cases (poverty, drug usage, etc.)? Sometimes I think the problem may be that we have so many AA children who are older languishing in a system because of society's ills (lack of resources, strict welfare to work programs without extra help when needed, laws being passed that may not benefit the poor, etc.). But a part of me believes that it may also be an underlying race issue. We've said it before, that society seems to think that anything black is inherently flawed or bad. If about half of the children in the U.S. foster care system is AA but AAs are much less represented in the general population, what does that say? Who wants older AA children, kids with problems, or disturbing backgrounds?

Maybe more should be done to attack crime, poverty, the unemployment rate, gun violence, teen pregnancy, illiteracy, etc. Maybe with alternative resources and support, more parents will be able to parent their children and they wouldn't place their children in the first place. There are always going to be those situations and, of course, in a perfect world, we wouldn't be concerned with any of this. Children need forever families.

How is any of this going to be solved? It seems so overwhelming and I'm at a loss. The good thing is that we're all here to love children, first and foremost. Sure wish love did actually solve everything.