[Volfe]

I thought it was more a: What will my child look like when she grows up, question.

Like blondies can turn into brunettes.
Baby blues can become brown.
Straight hair can become curly (and vice versa)
Big babies don't often grow to be over 6 ft tall.

That was my take on it... just things parents (all parents) wonder about their children.

Maia

[kelleymac]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

No. It just points out that people are concerned about color.

True. Although interestingly, there are far more threads about height/weight of Guatemalan babies than about their skin or hair color. I think we (as adoptive parents) have an insatiable curiosity about what our children will look like as they get older. I wonder how tall Jonah will be...will his hair always be so straight? How many other kids have a "double crown" like he does? (that gives me fits when I try to comb it! )

At any rate, when you step outside of your known comfort zone, you open up a slew of questions. Although I am the parent of a hispanic/mestizo child, I will never KNOW what it is to be anything other than white. I am treated a certain way based on that...just as I'm treated a certain way because I'm female. I want as much insight into who he will become as possible, because the more I know, the better job I can do of parenting him, and supporting him.

Kelley

[Casey677]

Originally Posted by Kelli

On the other hand, your family member, friend, or co-worker, etc., are more likely to feel comfortable enough to ask the questions or make the types of comments that will send you overboard.

The good thing about this is that I will feel comfortable enough with them to tell them how upsetting their comments are to us.... even if it is a day later after I have had a good cry. We were lucky when we had the little guy in October. The family and friends that we were most worried about in regards to the race issue and acceptance, fell for him very hard... and they only got to see him in emails.

As far as the other post, I read it the same way that Maia did. I didn't see anything negative in it, just curiosity.

Casey

[Sleeplvr]

Bethany....

Urban.... I've always lived in the suburbs or on a military base. I like the music. I don't like alot of the language. I grew up in a home with no cursing, no drinking or pretty much anything else. Mom was very strict...elementary school teacher. Dad was military.. no further explanation to that. I just don't like some of the activities surrounding it that pulls AA people down. We don't need anymore negative publicity. I understand that it's the reality of their life. As an AA person, I honestly don't know very many AA people that have grown up in that type of lifestyle. I know that many AA people have lived that life. My circle of friends and family have not. I guess that's where the disconnect is for me. If that is considered "black culture"... What kind of life have I been living?

[wishing4more]

Butting in...

All good arguments. It's been interesting reading.

Maybe I'm naive, but is there anything wrong with just loving your children and letting life happen? We all are faced with less than nice people and part of growing is learning how to deal with it. I know that I can't truely understand racism as a CC woman, but I can understand being hurt by others and what it takes to get through it.

I know that ideally my children would be raised by their birthfamilies, adoption isn't the first choice. I know that the circumstances of their births made it impossible for them to stay with their birthfamilies. I also know that when I was looking to adopt, I was the only family on file with my agency that was open to full AA children.

Would it have been better for them to have remained with families who were unprepared or unable to care for them? The reality is that there aren't always other options for an AA child.

[LisaCA]

the question is why there aren't more options for AA children and what can we do to make more options available?

[BethanyB]

Sleeplvr, I LOVE hip hop but also dislike bad language. I actually buy the edited version CD when I do buy hip hop music! I know---I'm a geek! I also grew up with a strict mother and now I'M the elementary school teacher!!!

I also don't like some of the messages and images that the music can send out to the public. The "Hip Hop Culture" I believe has brought kids together on common ground. Kids of all races and skin tones are liking the same music. Music that is probably the most popular music out there today. Music that Black people invented. They are wearing clothing styles invented by AA people. There is a comradery (sp?) there.

I hope I didn't say that hip hop IS black culture. If I did, I'm sorry.

I taught in a inner city school district and learned a lot about the AA children who ARE living in the midst of violence, robberies, murder, guns, and drugs. Some of my students lived in some of the worst drug projects in the city. Many of them had very low expectations for themselves. And while I may not agree with some of the things that go on in a rap song or video, I understand that those images are the realities of those hip hop artists. And even though fifty cent and Naz have made it. I just can't see them rapping about their everyday lives now. There are many black people who would even say that they are selling out because they are no longer on the streets. No longer hard.

And yes, I do agree that SOME artists can perpetuate the myths about AA people.

And why am I going on about hip hop???

Just what I have experienced working in and living near an inner city. I hope I didn't offend you!!!!

[Jensboys]

My kids love rap music (white kids too ) but we have been able to provide them with positive role models within the hiphop and rap culture. The reality is that the music is everywhere and so are the clothing items and general attitude that goes with it.

We found alot of great music made by Christian artists that the kids love - now maybe they are too young to realize that its not what everyone else is listening to, but the words are great, the music sounds the same and they love it.

And to my boys, it is rolemodels for them. And good ones too.

[ginadc]

I asked one of my best friends since college about this last night (she's writing one of our references for our homestudy). She is AA; her father was a professional athlete and is still a top coach, and she grew up in a very privileged community in the New York suburbs.

She pointed out to me that she herself had life experiences that her parents did not and couldn't understand. They had not, themselves, had to deal with being the only black child/teenager in various programs growing up, as my friend often was in the community where they lived.

I thought that was an excellent perspective, one I hadn't considered. Even parents who share the same race as their children may well have totally different experiences of how that race affects their daily lives, depending on all kinds of social and environmental factors.

My friend said that her parents taught her early on that she would be "different" in her classes--a different color, taller (she's just lucky she's not as tall as her dad! ), and so on, and that was good and right and something to be proud of. She learned early on to value her differences, which I know had to be a hard lesson to teach given how as kids we often just want to fit in and be like everybody else.

She's a great mother herself; if she trusts that we can do this (and she does; she said she made a point of writing as much in her homestudy letter), then maybe we can. My inclination, at this point, is to indicate that we're open to anything and see what the universe decides to bring us.

[Kelli]

Originally Posted by LisaCA

the question is why there aren't more options for AA children and what can we do to make more options available?

I'm thinking that maybe somewhere amongst the numerous “discussion, question, suggestion, and reaction” threads that I’ve enjoyed participating in here over the years concerning this topic, sits part of an answer. In a nutshell, this is how these conversations typically go down when discussing how to make more options available . . .

If it is suggested that more outreach should be done to AA families, or if you believe that more AA families can step up to the plate to adopt AA children, then ultimately there will be people who feel that what’s being stated is that “AA children should really only be with AA families”. This offends them, and then inevitably those who believe in the suggestion.

If it is suggested that more people of all races can step up to the plate to adopt AA children, then ultimately you’ll hear from people who feel they must defend their right to have the kind of family they desire. This offends them.

If it is suggested that fees for AA children should be, or remain, lower to make it more attractive and affordable for people to adopt them, then ultimately there will be some who see this as putting less value on these children. This offends them and those who believe it.

If it is suggested that fees for all children remain the same, then ultimately, there are those who will point out that the AA children would still be the last ones left to be adopted. This offends these people and others who believe it.

If it is suggested that the many non-AA families waiting to adopt might not be open to AA adoption because of personal issues related to race, then ultimately people will be offended and claim “it’s not us, but it’s our family, where we live, lack of AA friends, culture, etc.” Then there are those who might not find truthfulness in this and this offends them, and offends the one who was not believed.

If it is questioned why more CC families who are open to children of international races (because they were dismayed with the process to adopt a CC child here) do not consider AA adoptions when in many instances the process/wait time is different then CC adoptions, then ultimately you’ll get someone who feels offended and then defends the rights of ALL children to have homes, and then states it had nothing to do with AA’s and race issues in this country. There will be those who might not find truthfulness in all of this and this offends them, and then again, the person who was not believed.

Finally, if it is questioned why some CC families are only open to children “partly” AA and not “fully” AA (who are the larger number in need of homes), then you’ll ultimately have people who claim it has nothing to do with issues regarding people who are full AA, but has more to do with their child fitting in with their family. There are those who might not find truthfulness in this, and this offends them, and then again, the person who was not believed.

I don’t suppose we’ll all agree here on what it takes to solve this, but I for one, really enjoy trying. After thinking about it for a while I tend to think that the collective opinions on this at large (beyond this forum) probably do not know (hence the problem), nor do they probably agree on what it takes to solve it, as well. Maybe this is a part of the reason why there continues to be a lack of family options for AA children. Not much agreement on the solution and even less action taken to solve the problem.

Just some rainy day ramblings . . .

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[Sleeplvr]

Good job Kelli!

[BethanyB]

Kelli, you are SO right about this issue. I don't know if it is something all sides can come together on. Is this a never ending cycle???

[Casey677]

Ok, Kelli! I think you covered every aspect that there was to cover.

Casey

[LisaCA]

nice list kelli.

I think the interesting questions that we all have to ask ourselves is "why?". If you're offended by any one of those statements that kelli listed, why does it offend you? I think we can learn a lot about each other and ourselves to begin that questioning.

for example, to grab the first one, does outreach to the AA community really imply that AA parents are the only ones for AA kids? why do you/I feel that way? this may lead to thinking about what AA parents may be able to bring to the table in a highly race conscious society-where you/I go from there depends...

We may never come together on all these issues, but I think a great deal can be learned by these discussions, understanding why people feel certain ways about things. The major problem with race here in the US is that we don't talk much about it, so people don't share individual experiences, viewpoints,etc. For instance I often hear people state that there should be less government, that government hasn't done anything for them, etc., but I always mention that as a black woman, my life would be dramatically different in the late 20th/early 21st century without the federal government stepping in to enforce equality (supreme court, presidents, etc). In this case, race and gender do shape my thinking on the issue. States' rights scares me to death.

anyway, that's why I like these discussions. people stumbling across the thread may learn something they never learned before, be encouraged to speak frankly about race and racism to people they know, question their assumptions, etc. At the very least they may understand the reactions of different people, even if they disagree.

Lisa

[spaypets]

Good list Kelli--
I would add that one other aspect of these discussions is always the "idealism" vs "realism" discussion.

I think (or at least I like to believe) that I judge people on the content of their character rather than the color of their skin. I hope I don't make assumptions about people based on their race. I grew up in a very racially homogenous rural area--so the minorities I met were individuals to me and I wasn't raised with assumptions about particular races. Because of this, I also tend not to equate class and race -- all the poor people I knew and knew of were white. The AA people I know are middle and upper middle class and educated.

That being said, I am not so naive to think that the world doesn't run differently from my particular point of view. We are not judged on the content of our character. People do make assumptions based on race. I know that my daughter right now has the benefit of my white privilege but that will not be the case when she is out on her own. Am I horrified by that--that there are still people who judge based on such superficial features? Absolutely.

I don't know or understand why some parents would think it ok to adopt a biracial child and not a full AA child. It puts me in mind of the country clubs where they would hold up a paper bag and not allow anyone whose skin was darker to join. The only thing I can think of is that it wouldn't occur to me that an AA mother would choose our white, rural, non-Christian family to parent her baby. Perhaps that's in the back of others minds?

Honestly, if we were to adopt again (we're not), we would go out of our way _not_ to adopt a white child because we wouldn't want our daughter to be a minority in her own family. I still have an affinity for international adoption, again for reasons that have nothing to do with race. I would look seriously at the orphans in Ethiopia or some other African nation.