[spaypets]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

Has anyone thought that by backing away from AA adoptive placements that you are helping perpetuate discrimination? If good people sit by and do nothing then you are helping discrimination stay alive.

Yes, but do you use a child to make a political statement?

Look, cards on the table: our decision to adopt internationally, as I said, had nothing to do with race. But one thing adopting our daughter from India has made me aware of is the racism of my inlaws. They adore my daughter, but we received a bizaare email from my MIL when we suggested they buy her a doll that was being described as "African American" (frankly the doll didn't look at all AA, it looked more like my DD). She babbled something irrational about not raising her in the "black" culture and that if she brought a black doll to school kids would make fun of her (HUH?). Anyway, it brought forth the unfortunate fact that not everyone in our extended family is as open minded as us or my parents.

So, under those circumstances, what is a family to do? If it were up to me alone, I'd ignore my crazy inlaws and cut off contact with them if they behaved badly if we adopted an AA child. But they're not my parents. As it is, we see them only a few times a year.

This is not some kind of of cop-out on my part. Until recently, I assumed that my inlaws would love any child. I am not so sure now. I would have no problem adopting interracially, no matter what the race. But I have to think about what's best for the child. I don't know how my inlaws would react if we chose to adopt an AA infant. I don't know how far my DH is willing to go to protect his children.

I hate that I would have to even consider race. It goes against all my instincts. I don't like to think of race mattering. It didn't matter when I chose my boyfriends or my friends or where I lived. I'm baffled by the stratification, the prioritizing of races in some people's minds. My friend who is Dominican and fair skinned would tell of people cutting off contact with her fiance once they found out she was Hispanic and not Italian--after they met her. It made no sense to me.

But I have to look at the reality of the world we live in. I would have to make the decision on the facts as they are, not as I wish they were.

[Sleeplvr]

I'm not looking at as a political statement. You could say that the people adopting the little girls from China are making a political statement. They are making a point of showing how one society devalues their girls.....

I think that some people are under the impression that some races or ethnic groups are easier to assimilate than others. They are trying to get the child to fit into their current lifestyle or social group. A child is going to change your life any way you look at it.

I saw a posting on this website where the poster was looking for some Asian friends for her child. She thought because she lived in an area were Asians lived that her child would be accepted by that group. Her child had no Asian friends because of her lack of cultural awareness. The child would make friends with Asian children but when their parents found out she was being raised by a CC family they cut off contact. I don’t think people think about all the implications of any transracial adoption.

[Volfe]

Interesting posts...

On the same-race-friends... What I find interesting is that in our area there are groups (support, social, not sure) for Russian Adoptions. And for China Adoptions. And all these kids and parents intermingle. Find friends. So in a way, their experience with adoptions and 'same situations' has created an entirely new culture - which I find, nifty.

Sorry not trying to create a new tangent just sharing an observation.

Maia

[kelleymac]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

Has anyone thought that by backing away from AA adoptive placements that you are helping perpetuate discrimination? If good people sit by and do nothing then you are helping discrimination stay alive.

Yes, we thought exactly that, but frankly the battle wouldn't be fought by me, it would be fought by my child. I'm uncomfortable making that decision when I feel strongly that the child is the one who is going to bear the burden of that decision. We have many latino friends who married caucasian partners. Their children are definitely of latino heritage, but they share a caucasian parent. They help us to integrate that culture in a way that we (as full caucasian parents) couldn't probably do alone. I don't want my son to go to school and look around and think: I'm the ONLY one who's family looks like this. Adolescence and childhood are hard enough without that burden.

Finally, I posted the question earlier, but I'll ask again: it's not uncommon to hear African American's object to caucasian parents adopting full AA or biracial/AA babies. I have heard that there is concern about the dilution of the child's identity and heritage in this situation.

With all of those considerations, we chose no. Do I admire Rosa Parks? With all of my being. Would I choose my child to fight a battle that monumental? Probably not. Selfish on my part perhaps, but that's how I feel.

That all said, I will stand up loudly and proclaim that for all of you caucasian parents who have taken this road, I have unremitting admiration for your choice. You are most definitely paving the way for a more understanding/knowing society in our future.

Kelley

[Sleeplvr]

Spaypets

I appreciate your honesty. People do not always realize the shortcomings of the family, friends or community. Could you imagine what an AA family would be put through if they adopted a CC child? I’m a realist. Personally, I feel that I could raise a child of any race but chose not to. I started out trying to adopt from the state and have been offered many CC children, 2 AA, 2 biracial (AA/CC) and 0 Hispanic. We turned down all the CC situations…I knew that there were CC families sitting and willing to wait the 5 years to get them. Adopting from the state is a whole story in itself and leaves just about everyone angry at some point. The 2 AA children were older than what we could handle would never be adoptable. We took the two biracial children and had to give them back in the end. As it turned out the children looked like they could have been our biological children. They were a perfect blend of my husband and me. The older child was darker than us and the baby was only 4 months old and had not ended up with her final color.
As a matter of fact, we got the older child because the foster family (CC) that had him thought he was too dark to be biracial. They thought he belonged with an AA family.

[spaypets]

Originally Posted by Volfe

On the same-race-friends... What I find interesting is that in our area there are groups (support, social, not sure) for Russian Adoptions. And for China Adoptions. And all these kids and parents intermingle. Find friends. So in a way, their experience with adoptions and 'same situations' has created an entirely new culture - which I find, nifty.

Maia

Excellent point--my daughter is going to have more in common with the little girls adopted from China by white parents than she will with Indian girls raised by Indian parents.

I do realize that we need to incorporate Indian culture into our family -- we do a little now, though not nearly enough, but we're hoping to spend a year living in India when she is older. We certainly intend to go back every few years to visit.

[BethanyB]

I also think we are leaving out the fact that the world is a changing place. When I was in high school (gosh, like 12 years ago! ) Black people were the minority. I had several black friends and there were more and more black families moving into the suburbs from NYC. The most popular kids in school were the black children. Especially the boys. They were in all of the popular cliches and on all of the sports teams.

Today's world is so much better when it comes to young people feeling connected through movies and music. The hip hop music scene has brought many white and black young people together. My nephew is 15 and has black friends, hispanic friends as well as a few biracial friends. He LOVES hip hop. Buys the music, the T-shirts and watches all the videos. The sports heros he looks up to are AA. Even the first graders in my class come in with the posters of their favorite singers and sports players. I really do believe that as time goes by YOUNG PEOPLE will be more open minded to issues of race, religion and many more things. I am hopefull for the future and I look forward to all of the wonderful things I will share with my son as he grows older. We will take things one day at a time and thank God each day that we found each other!

As far as choosing to adopt an AA child...I guess it's not for everyone. And it seems to me that if someone's family is open to the adoption an Asian, or Hispanic child but NOT an AA child...there ARE racist issues behind it. Whether you choose to love an AA child or not is up to each individual person.

I don't want it to sound like I'm a saint because I am adopting an AA child. To me, he's just my son. To me he is the best kid in the world! I'M the one who is lucky to have HIM!!!!

[Sleeplvr]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

Today's world is so much better when it comes to young people feeling connected through movies and music. The hip hop music scene has brought many white and black young people together. My nephew is 15 and has black friends, hispanic friends as well as a few biracial friends. He LOVES hip hop. Buys the music, the T-shirts and watches all the videos. The sports heros he looks up to are AA. Even the first graders in my class come in with the posters of their favorite singers and sports players. I really do believe that as time goes by YOUNG PEOPLE will be more open minded to issues of race, religion and many more things. I am hopefull for the future and I look forward to all of the wonderful things I will share with my son as he grows older. We will take things one day at a time and thank God each day that we found each other!

I'm trying to gather my thoughts on this one. I have issues with Hip Hop... It tends to reinforce the negative stereotypes about AA people. It does unite the young people but has a tendency to polarize adults. I’m 40 and see how this is going to bite AA people in the butt in the end. This is another "Culture" issue that turns people off. Or maybe I've just gotten too old......

[Casey677]

Ok. Let me see if I can answer questions brought up to me.

Spay- No, I do not want people to think that I am adulterer. I truly love my husband with all of my being. My point was basically that people would draw their own conclusion regardless and I was throwing out different conclusions that they may have.

Martha- I know that biracial children can have dark skin color. We had the honor of parenting a little guy for three days in October. He is biracial and had very light skin color. However, we had gotten to meet his two year old brother prior who had a much darker skin tone. We had no way of knowing what the little guy's skin color would have been in utero, nor did we care. We were just thrilled that we (almost) got to be his mom & dad.

We live in a very racially diverse neighborhood. We have an AA family next door. The older couple across the street is interacial, just to give you a couple of examples. I truly wasn't concerned about an AA child being discriminated against since in our community, "minorities" aren't as much in the minority (it is probably close to a 60/40 split) as in other areas. I am doing the best that I can to prepare myself for the rude, intrusive comments that will be coming our way. I know that they will be there. Our sole purpose was to try to keep the insensitive comments to a minimum.... from strangers, I will do my best to explain to everyone we know..... and in turn have a happier, more well-adjusted family. And perhaps I am incorrect, but that is the logic that was behind our decision.

Gina, your post was very well thought out and definitely gave me things to think about and discuss with dh.

Casey

[Sleeplvr]

Originally Posted by kelleymac

Finally, I posted the question earlier, but I'll ask again: it's not uncommon to hear African American's object to caucasian parents adopting full AA or biracial/AA babies. I have heard that there is concern about the dilution of the child's identity and heritage in this situation.

Kelley

I only have a problem with when the parents try to remove/ignore the child’s ethnicity/race and do not have positive role models available. This applies to any child that is not the same race as the parents.
I’ll give you a personal example. My husband’s ex-wife is CC and they have one child together. When he was 12 years old, his mom bleached his hair blonde so he would look more CC. This is an extreme example but I can go through a laundry list of subtle and major things that have been done to diminish his AA side. She always has some lame excuse when my husband calls her on it.
Me, being the good step-mom that I am, kept my mouth shut the last 10 years that I have been around. You just don’t know how hard it has been to keep my mouth shut. It was not and is not my battle to fight…. I make a point of staying out of situations involving my stepson….I don’t agree with a majority of the things that his mom does but she is mother, I’m not.

[Sleeplvr]

Has anyone seen this thread yet? It's on the Guatemala board.

Question on skin color
Question On Skin Color

[Kelli]

I am doing the best that I can to prepare myself for the rude, intrusive comments that will be coming our way. I know that they will be there. Our sole purpose was to try to keep the insensitive comments to a minimum.... from strangers, I will do my best to explain to everyone we know..... and in turn have a happier, more well-adjusted family. And perhaps I am incorrect, but that is the logic that was behind our decision.

More than likely most of the rude, intrusive, and hurtful comments will be coming out of the mouths of people you know, ie., family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, your hairdresser, your neighbor, etc. Just think about it . . . . when you see a family that is clearly an adoptive family (we’ll just say a CC couple with an Indian, Chinese or AA toddler) do you feel compelled to start firing away and making rude comments to them about how their family was created? Now certainly there are people out there who would do this, and maybe I’m just giving us humans too much credit, but I don’t think most people really want to approach strangers and issue insensitive comments about that person’s family and how it was created. On the other hand, your family member, friend, or co-worker, etc., are more likely to feel comfortable enough to ask the questions or make the types of comments that will send you overboard. IMO, it’s not the “strangers” you have to worry about protecting yourself and your family from, but it’s the “strangers you know.”

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[BethanyB]

I guess hip hop can turn some older people off. (Not saying your old sleeplvr! ) I'm 30 and I LOVE hip hop! I know that many of the lyrics can be hard and I wouldn't let a young child listen to fifty cent or anything ---even though I do. And yes, my parents can't stand the music because they are just "talking" and they hate seeing baggy pants! Ha Ha! But I think that is just a generational thing. Just like when Elvis was shaking his pelvic area! And many rappers talk about their harsh realities living in urban cities.

I went to a hip hop concert recently and saw a sea of black and white faces. We were all there to enjoy the music and hip hop has just seemed to bring kids together. So I guess it can be a good thing as far as that goes. I'm sure most older white individuals are scared of hip hop now that I think about it, but I have just seen so much change since the popularity of it!

[kelleymac]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

Has anyone seen this thread yet? It's on the Guatemala board.

Question on skin color
Question On Skin Color

I have now. I didn't read anything malicious in the original post, or the replies. I have to be honest with you...as a caucasian parent, there were TONS of things I needed an education about when adopting transracially. My son's mongolian spots are one of them. We were lucky enough to have an AA pediatrician (didn't know when we selected him, just happened he came highly recommended) who knew all about them.

Did you read something other than I did into the posts?

Kelley

[Sleeplvr]

No. It just points out that people are concerned about color.