[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by jaenelle

DH and I live in a small town, rural area, and while we do worry about what our child may go through being the "only" person of that race in school and the community, the reality is that if our child is anything but 100% Caucasian, he or she is going to be the "only" one. That's just where we live -- everyone is white here.

Being open to any race does not mean that you might be the best family for a child of another race. Love is not enough. I think it might be really important for you to talk to adoptees who have grown up as the only child of color in their community. The stories I have been told are sad and full of struggles in trying to be accepted. Like it or not you cannot make other people love and accept your child. It is especially hard in high school when many parents will not allow their children to date someone of a different race. They often feel isolated and alone no matter how much their parents love them.

Adoption is about providing for the needs of children and children of color need role models in their life that look like them. They need to be a part of their community. They need to be raised knowing their culture. They cannot get that from a book. They need to get that from personal interaction.

BTW, I an 4'11" too, and very tough.

[jaenelle]

I'm not sure I can come up with a response to this without getting upset, and I think we're veering off topic, anyway.

I did NOT say we would be the best parents for every child of a different race. I simply said (or meant, at least) that we were open to a child of whatever race God feels belongs with us. Maybe it will be a white child. Maybe not. Who knows? I am leaving it in his hands who He sends us -- but I feel it is our job to be open to whatever possibilities might be available.

I also do NOT plan to simply raise the child as if they were white, whether they are or not. I will try the best that I can to make them aware of their culture and, if possible, to find them people from their culture to talk to. That may NOT be easy in our rural area, but I will try.

I am not perfect. DH is not either. I don't think anyone is. The best that all adoptive parents can do is try to raise their children the best way they feel they can under the circumstances.

Everyone is different --children and parents -- and I resent the implication that we are somehow unqualified to parent a child of another race, when you don't know our circumstances or that of the child.

[Sleeplvr]

Angeluv

You are treated differently by agencies depending on your race and income level. I had a somewhat bad experience with a referral service that specialized in AA & AA/CC placements. I noticed that I would always get referrals for certain available adoption situations and I started questioning it. The last situation that she referred to me involved a mentally challenged Bfather and an alcoholic Bmom. I had filled out a comfort level worksheet and apparently they totally disregarded it. I guess the only thing they considered was that we were AA.

When I questioned the worker about the types of referrals, she told me how frustrated she was as well as other adoption agencies with AA couples. She thought that AA couples are too picky with their criteria for a child. Because AA families have been so picky about the children they want she has had to “beg” CC families to adopt AA or biracial children. She did admit that it has not always worked out; some of the CC families have brought the baby back after about 3 months because he or she had gotten too dark.
She said that the typical adoptive AA family was better educated, had higher incomes and had better homes than the typical CC adoptive family. She also said that a majority of the CC families were blue collar and had to beg and borrow to pay for their adoptions. AA families seem to have the funds readily available.
We went back and forth with emails discussing this subject. She finally said that we would have to agree to disagree and she would continue her practice of trying to recruit more CC families to adopt AA & biracial children. She never once said anything about recruiting AA families. I guess that we’re just too hard to work with. If the educated AA folks are difficult to work with then just imagine what the blue collar AA folks are like.

Needless to say, she has not sent me any additional referrals but I do still receive her newsletter. Just from the photos that are included…all the placements appear to be made to CC families.

[LisaCA]

Originally Posted by jaenelle

I don't know if I'll have anything intelligent to contribute to this discussion, but I did want to chime in as someone who is completely open to adopting a child of ANY race or combination of races.

DH and I live in a small town, rural area, and while we do worry about what our child may go through being the "only" person of that race in school and the community, the reality is that if our child is anything but 100% Caucasian, he or she is going to be the "only" one. That's just where we live -- everyone is white here.

We are hoping that this will mean a shorter wait for a child and also perhaps give a child a home who would be less "desirable" to some adoptive parents -- but certainly not to us! All children are beautiful and all deserve a home with people who love them.

One thing I know, if anyone makes any comments about my future son or daughter's race, they'd better be prepared. I'm only 4'11" but I'm TOUGH!

hi jaenelle,

If I may be so bold as to chime in here, I think what bromanchek is trying to say is that it is extremely difficult for children of color to grow up in all white venues. I did that, but I had the support of a family of color. At the end of the day I went back home to people who looked like me, knew exactly what I was going thru. This is not to say that a white family couldn't have supported me, it just would have been different support.

you might want to visit PACT's website for more info on adopting transracially. It isn't just about love or the fight in you, but also the fact that your child of color will bear the weight of this fight. Frankly, i found it a bit oppressive and very difficult. What might work for you may not work as well for a child of color, in spite of all the love in the world. PACT has a number of articles that you might find interesting. They place children of color in same race and transracial homes. In fact the founders of the organization adopted transracially and have written a book, Inside transracial adoption.

http://pact.best.vwh.net/press/artic...ansracial.html

[LisaCA]

sleeplvr,

wow. I read your post to dh and he was flabbergasted. His quote about bringing back a child "how do these people sleep at night?"- and I totally agree. Imagine being on "skin watch", looking for signs that your child will just be too dark for your family-ugh. do you mind letting me know (via pm) of whom you speak (agency)? thanks,

lisa

[Sleeplvr]

I think I still have the emails from this person. It's a church run organization that relies on donations to operate. I will pm the name of the place.

[spaypets]

As someone who adopted internationally I have to chime in here and say that race absolutely played no role in our decision to adopt internationally. There have been allusions that people choose the international route because they want "anything but black" and I think that grossly misunderstands the reason why many people choose the international route.

Speaking for myself, we wanted timeframe that could be estimated. Neither DH nor I are very patient people and the idea of waiting for an indetermined amount of time to be chosen by a birth mother and then waiting on pins and needles until the birth to see if she chose to parent was terrifying and upsetting to us. Furthermore, we did not feel we could promise to maintain an open adoption with visits and so were faced with a wait that would likely be longer than if we were enthusiastic about a fully open adoption.

The potential race of the child never entered our discussion when we were choosing to pursue international adoption. Nor did it enter our discussion when we chose a country. We chose a country based in part on the amount of time we would have to spend in the country, the possibility of escorts (this was shortly after 9/11 and traveling was a little scary sounding), the countries that the agency near us worked with, the age of the child, the availability of girls. Ultimately,the final choice came down to which country we felt a greater affinity to.

We went into the adoption with the assumption that our child would not look like us, but as far as parsing race, that conversation never, ever happened. I suspect we are not alone in our reasons for forgoing a domestic adoption.

[Casey677]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

She did admit that it has not always worked out; some of the CC families have brought the baby back after about 3 months because he or she had gotten too dark.

I think I am going to be ill. I cannot even fathom what would be running through their heads.

Casey

[Sleeplvr]

There are some people that chose to adopt internationally because of race issues. I went yesterday to pick up girl scouts cookies from my former foster child's daycare. One the worker's asked how were things going with our adoption plans. She asked what races were we open to and if we had considered international. I told her what we were open to and then she shared some information. She had a relative that was currently in the adoption process for China. She told me that they made a decision to adopt from China because they did not want to adopt black child. They knew that it is easier to adopt an AA child domestically than a CC one. They did not feel comfortable with the culture, hair care or skin care. That's were people are getting the impression that "anything but black" is better.

Race may have not applied in your case but it does for many other people.

I had looked into international adoption because I had been given bad information initially...I was given the 2 -3 year wait information that did not apply to me. When looking at international I had strict requirements for that. It had to be a country where the people were of African descent. I chose Panama..because I had lived there during my childhood. I also looked into some of the carribean nations. Luckily I was finally given the correct information and I'm now waiting for a domestic adoption.

[spaypets]

I think I would prefer if you said "Race may not have applied in your case, but it does for _some_ other people." Clearly race played a part in your choices, but it doesn't necessarily in other people's.

I have come in contact with a lot of people who adopted internationally and the only ones who mentioned race when explaining why they chose to adopt internationally were people who were adopting within their own race.

[kelleymac]

I have to agree with another poster who said that the child's best interest is (or should be) paramount in this decision. If, for whatever reason, you don't feel equipped to parent a child for any reason, you shouldn't. Ultimately, the person to whom you do the greatest disservice is the child.

We adopted internationally and the reasons that we did that were varied. The biggest factor is that in our state the timeframe in which a bparent can disrupt a domestic adoption is very long. Given my past infertility, I was honest with my husband in that I would have been unable to recover from that emotionally, and was simply not up to the risk involved.

We chose international, and I'm not ashamed to say that race was a factor. Not because we could love a child of color less, but because we don't have AA friends. I don't know why this is, but we don't. We live in a diverse city, we have many friends of asian and latino descent, but we don't share social circles with those who are AA. We felt strongly that without those role models to help us and our child become familiar with what it means to grow up AA in the US, we would not be doing that child justice. We also didn't choose a caucasian child...we chose a latino child because there are lots of families who "look like us" where we live. Having that child look like us was not a factor.

Finally, I just want to ask: what about AA parents who don't want to see AA children raised by caucasian parents? I KNOW this occurs. A friend (single male, caucasian) has an AA son through adoption. He has received not great response from both caucasian and AA people on the street. How sad that those of either race could be so closed minded!

Finally, as for advertising, it's not just adoption agencies. It's unfortunate that only in the past few years do we see beautiful people/children of color in various ads. All people of color need these images of people like themselves!

Kelley

[Sleeplvr]

Let's say this...We travel in different circles and people share different things.....
A lot of assumptions are being made. When I mentioned to one of my co-workers that I was going to adopt. She said "Oh, it's going to be so cute to see you with a Chinese baby." It offended me that a baby of my own race (AA) is unacceptable. Why would she assume something like that? I asked the reason for her assumption and then set her straight.
Maybe it's a regional thing....I live in Georgia and just maybe race is the guiding factor in international adoptions.

[Kelli]

Originally Posted by Sleeplvr

She told me that they made a decision to adopt from China because they did not want to adopt black child. They knew that it is easier to adopt an AA child domestically than a CC one.

As a fellow Georgian, ,I'm reminded of a story that I'm sure I've told here before . . . when we first started visiting agencies we attended an information meeting for one (not the one we ended up using) where there was a couple present who recently returned from China with their new baby girl. They were there to answer questions from prospective parents. When somebody asked "why China?", they responded something to the effect of "they didn't want to wait for the amount of time it would have taken for a same race child here and Chinese children are so smart." Most of the other people in the group smiled and shook their heads like they understood, but my dh and I (the only AA's) were fuming over what had been said. I think most people who do their adoption research learn pretty quickly that the wait for a non white/AA child is usually a lot less and that these are the children here that are in need of forever families, and are often not the ones getting them. Our estimated wait time was less then a year, but we were told it usually happens between 6-9 months. Mine took four days, and not one of the other couples in our class waited more than four months.

Spaypets, we felt the same as you guys about not promising visits at the time and the whole waiting on pins and needles. No waiting for this kid! That's why we worked with an agency that places infants that are truly available for adoption (after the 10 day revocation period in Georgia). Three years ago (I have no idea or not whether the same holds true today) we were told by our placement coordinator that more times than not, AA expectant mothers prefer semi-open relationships (pictures, letters, etc.) rather than fully open ones with visits. This is what we felt comfortable in comitting to. I can't remember what her stated reason was behind this (and I'm sure inquisitive me probably asked the question). I don't know if she was making this statement in regards to her experience with this particular agency, or in general. However this happens to be the case with all of the AA adoptive families that I know "personally" who have adopted infants. I'm saying this merely to share what might be some differences in the process and outcome for AA and CC adoptions. Not to get this too off track but did anyone else hear this while doing their adoption research? Just curious.

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[Binyasa]

I'm not sure if the discussion about whether people choose to go the international route due to race issues came from my post or not, but when I mentioned the adoptive families that I'd spoken with that were open to "any child other than AA" I was speaking specifically to those white couples I've talked with online and in person who are going the domestic route.

It's very, very common to see hopeful Afamilies list 'race requirements' of a potential child and have those lists include being open to children of caucasian, latino/a, first nations and biracial (CC/AA) descent -- all the while singling out children of full African American heritage as 'undesirable'.

I have no problem with people choosing to adopt a child of the same race or even being open to transracial adoptions that include parenting a child of only one or two different races (for example living in a mostly latino area and therefore specifying the desire to adopt a child of latino/a descent without being open to other races). What does bother me is the huge number of mostly white parents who want 'anything other than a fully AA child' within a domestic placement. Particularly those who feel prepared to parent a biracial (AA/CC) child but not a fully AA one. I'll never understand their thinking.

Since I have no experience at all with international adoption, and haven't really spoken with other hopeful Aparents going the international route, I'll respectfully admit that anything I'd have to say on the topic would be coming straight out of my @$$.

Spaypets -- you've mentioned that your daughter was probably placed for adoption in part due to her darker skin tone... it's so heartbreaking. I've learned a lot from you on these boards, so please don't think that I was remotely referring to you or to most other adoptive parents involved with international adoption in my post above.

I'm learning alot -- keep the responses coming.

[BethanyB]

I have to agree with Binyasa on this one. I am the proud fost/adopt mom of an 8 month old AA boy. I am hoping to adopt him within the next few months. I am a single CC female. I too have heard SO many people on this forum and in my PATH classes who are open to any child EXCEPT full AA. This is heart breaking to me and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. I think it truley is skin tone. The whiter the better. And I'm sorry if this makes some people feel uncomfortable but it's true.

I have no problem with people adopting internationally. I think it's a great choice. And there are many valid reasons to do so. But do you know how many times I have heard, "Why don't you adopt a little Chinese baby?" AFTER telling people my plans to adopt an AA child from the state. How much do you think that hurts when I think back at those comments while I'm looking at my full AA baby? I just can't understand why people are willing to adopt across racial boundries as long as the child is not "full" AA. God forbid we get a baby with dark skin.


And when a person says that they can't adopt a Black child because they don't live around a lot of Black people, I tend to wonder if they live around a lot of Asian people or Hispanic people. But you know those children don't need to know about their culture. (Sarcastic )

This can be a sensitive topic to some. (Usually to those of us who have adopted children who are AA and have heard how undesirable they are from just about everywhere we go.

Anyway, I'm probably off topic but just thought I would add my two cents!