[1bob1]

I'm single and have been all my life. I know there are great advantages to being married, but that just hasn't happened for me yet. Lately I've come to realize that it may never, and frankly, I'm OK with that. I don't need a spouse to make my life feel relevant. A lot of people that I know seem to have a difficult time grasping that.

About the only thing that I truly feel is missing out of my life is, you guessed it, a child. So I read and research, ponder and grapple with the idea of adoption and the magnitude of the decision.

Of the select people that I've shared my ambitions with to this point, almost to the end I get asked: "Why do you want a child if you don't want to be married?" As if having a child is the same as having a wife. I try very carefully to explain that the relationship between parent/child and spouse/spouse is really quite different, so even if I had said I NEVER want to be married (I haven't), why would you assume that means I don't want to have children? ...blank look...

I can't count the number of times I've been around this subject, over and over. I think a lot of people see singles and think there is something "wrong" with us that needs fixing. There's nothing wrong with me, and darn it, people like me.

When I told my parents that I was considering adoption, they were very supportive as they always are of my choices. BUT, they asked The Question. I tried to explain it as detailed above, and while they accepted the answer, I could tell that they really, deep down, didn't understand my answer.

So yesterday my mom and I go to lunch. Talk turns to adoption and my mom reveals that she shared this info with some of her friends (tsk, tsk, I told you not to!). Of course, they asked HER the question. Then, she tells them that she knew that I was happy (I am), that I didn't feel compelled to be married at all costs (I don't), and that I do want a child to raise notwithstanding what may happen in that department in the future (I do). I could tell as she said it that she really meant it.

I was dumbfounded. She understood, no, REALLY understood. She's the first person that I know personally who I think REALLY gets it. Not to say other people haven't been supportive - they totally have. But I feel like they are kind of just humoring me in my denial of my own lonliness.

She went on to tell me that, when people inevitably ask her if she isn't wanting grandchildren, she tells them she wants them when I want to be a father and not before.

What a wonderful woman, no wonder I love her so much.

Anyway, just wanted to share that with some people who I thought might appreciate it.

[awebaby]

What a great understanding MOM...
she'll be a great grandmom too.

Your child will be lucky to be in such a grand family!

Good luck in your pursuit of adoption.

[SadieAnn]

Thank you for sharing! Great Mom! Congratulations on your decision, and good luck!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

I agree, your mom is gonna be a great grandmom! Congratulations on your decision to adopt and best of luck.

Michelle

[LisaCA]

wow, what a great mom! I'm impressed when parents come thru, putting aside their own needs. she'll make a great grandma too.

take care,

LisaCA

[kelleymac]

Your mom rocks! I have a single male friend who adopted and I know that he's a wonderful father. I think he and his son are equally lucky to have found one another, and I know his folks couldn't be happier since they've become grandparents.

Best of luck to you on your journey!
Kelley

[cynthia900]

Bob,

You have a great mom, which is probably part of why you want to be and will be a great parent.

Best of luck to you on the journey.

Cynthia

[dadfor2]

Quote:
"Unless you’re planning on adopting an older child or special needs child that will have a hard time being placed, I think single parent adoption is a horrible idea. A child NEEDS a mother AND a father. To discount the importance of either is incredibly selfish."

ok..let me see if i get this...

its okay for a single person to adopt a special needs child or an older child, but not a younger one because they are being selfish, because after all,

everyone knows that older children/special needs children need only one parent vs two, because if your talking about a healthy infant, we all know how harder it is to raise an infant and will need a mom and dad to raise them, unlike special needs/ older kids, they only need one parent...because really, who wants them anyway?....

maybe your statment should be the other way around..when you have two parents, then maybe the two parent household should adopt the special needs/older children, those children need more support anyway...and have the infants be adopted by singles, because they dont have to deal with all the turmoil some of these kids go through!!!!

Maybe when its a two parent household vs a one parent household, then the two parent household who choose not to adopt an older/special needs child are actually the selfish ones....

I hope you realized you have insulted millions of single parents out there.

OMG...i cant believe i just read this here. I have read some insulting things on here, but this one has got to be the most insulting thing i have read.

.02...you can keep it...that kind of broad statements really isnt appreciated here on this forum.

bob...good luck with your adoption....a single parent is way way way better than having a child in foster care for the rest of his/her life.....

i agree, your mom is going to make a great grandma...

choosing to parent is one of the most unselfish things someone can do....

im sorry that your thread had that responce in it...what a shame, at your most happiest moment, someone had to say that.

[Lorraine123]

Unless you’re planning on adopting an older child or special needs child that will have a hard time being placed, I think single parent adoption is a horrible idea. A child NEEDS a mother AND a father. To discount the importance of either is incredibly selfish.

DadofTwinGirls -

Can you explain what you mean by this?

You say that in adopting an older child or special needs child, its ok to be a single parent. But when adopting a baby, there must be two parents? Don't babies become older children? Then are two parents no longer necessary?

I don't want to be judgemental, so I will first ask you to explain. But, to me, this statement makes no sense.....

[dadfor2]

lorraine,

i could explain this for him. dadoftwingirls is under the assumption, probably due to his beliefs, that only children should be raised by a MOTHER and FATHER...period. (very tradionally)

his belief is....gay/lesbians and single parents should not adopt. All children need a mother and father.

however, the older/special needs child can be placed with these people because there are not alot of hetero married couples who are adopting these children.

so, though i dont believe he is TOTALLY against single/ gay / lesbian adoptions, his beliefs that if THEY have to adopt, then let them adopt the older/special needs children.

so, in a way, he does have some compassion for the older/special needs children when you really look at it, unlike others that are on the same page with some of their beliefs.

At least he feels that its better to at least allow gay/lesbian/single parents to adopt, then have some of these older/special needs children in foster care.

how did i do dadoftwingirls?.....

i know you never mentioned gay/lesbian parents, but from reading your post, i would even bet that the same responce would of been the same if a gay/lesbian couple was looking to adopt.

[coco46]

Originally Posted by DadofTwinGirls

Now to the part where I don’t agree with you. Unless you’re planning on adopting an older child or special needs child that will have a hard time being placed, I think single parent adoption is a horrible idea. A child NEEDS a mother AND a father. To discount the importance of either is incredibly selfish.

DadofTwinGirls,

Single parents are just as capable of providing loving, nuturing environments as two-parent homes. Is it a tougher job for them sometimes? Possibly. But to make a sweeping generalization like you did is thoughtless at best, and hurtful at worst.

You never did explain the reasoning behind the idea that special needs or older kids are fine with single parents but infants aren't , and I can't imagine that even if you tried to explain it that it would make any more sense to me than it does now.

[katieb31323]

.02...I agree in a perfect world all children would be raised in a house with a Mom and a Dad. In a perfect world there would be no "special needs" children. Heck, there woud be no word for adoption because it would be a perfect world...so it wouldn't exist. I could go on and on but you get the point. Last I checked this wasn't a perfect world and so we make the best of it. I agree with Dadfor2...in this imperfect world...that statement was very hurtful.

1bob1 - how great! It is so NICE when others get it! Frankly I never get why people don't get it sometimes. I guess I tend to compartmentalize a bit. The decision to marry or not was one choice...to become pregnant or not another....to parent or not another.... good luck on YOUR journey

Kathy

[dadfor2]

their is a strong belief, and i believe alot from the state of Florida is under this belief...

that all children adopted should only be adopted by heterosexual married couples, and no one else. That is why only heterosexual married couples are allowed to adopt.

there are lots of people who truly believe this. Some also feel that it is better to have a child stay in foster care until a heterosexual married couple comes along to adopt them.

its very sad, but its not that uncommon for people who have that belief system.

the president of the United States feels that way too....

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Dad, is that true? that in FL only heterosexual married couples can adopt?

Michelle

[cynthia900]

Dad of twins

Research actually shows that adopted children in single parent homes do at least as well and sometimes better than in two parent homes. Hard to believe? Perhaps if you think about it differently - not in what the children are losing but in what they are gaining you will see it differently too. First - they have a parent who can be dedicated to them, with no need to also focus on the spousal relationship. Second, they generally have someone who has made the choice to parent out of an intense desire and therefore is wholeheartedly and joyfully committed to it (sometimes unlike single parents of divorce or widowhood). Third, they generally have strong support systems in place to support them and need to demonstrate this during the home study process. Fourth, they generally realize the need to compensate for what they are not able to offer - the male role model and models of healthy marriages and make accomodation for that.

My own research (Lauren aged 5 and Claire aged 3) has backed up these findings - we are a very happy family and my two parent friends often comment on what a great family we are......

I am so glad that the State of New Jersey, when I asked for an older child, actually disagreed with you and placed a newborn in my home and that the wonderful birthparents of my daughter saw the benefit of a loving and nurturing home far outweighed any detriment of my marital status.

I also find it appalling that Parent Profiles agrees with you and will not let us advertise on their site - to me that smacks of a belief that expectant parents are not able to make the right choices for themselves and we unworthy parents need to be weeded out...talk about looking down on both singles and potential birthparents...

I appreciate the kind comments of others about single parents

Cynthia