[Brat]

Please help me know how to respond to a co-worker of mine who has made horribly insensitive and alarming comments to me re: adoptive breastfeeding. I would also like to know if there are any websites out there that I can lead her to that will educate her on the topic, as well as get her to understand how inappropriate and offensive her comments were. Because I'm at a loss for words.

Our daughters were born a month apart, and we typically have a great time discussing their various milestones and the fun we are having as new moms. It's built a bond between us that never existed before. Until yesterday, this co-worker, who I'll call A, had only made one comment to me that has made me feel that she doesn't consider me a "real" mom. Back in the summer of 2004, when our daughters were just a few months old, A and I were talking about breastfeeding, and I mentioned that adoptive moms can breastfeed and produce milk. She told me that was sexual abuse. She'd tried to breastfeed her daughter, but had not been able to produce milk. However, in the times that she had, it was an orgasmic experience for her, and that was so disturbing to A that she'd had to talk to a nurse about it. The nurse told her this was perfectly normal. A surmised that an adoptive mom would only breastfeed to stimulate herself.

Remember, I'm the one who had the suspected "breastfeeding nanny" so I really didn't need that kind of nonsense fed to me. But I digress.

When A said these things about amoms, I found them so outrageous that I had to laugh. I told her that amoms breastfeed to build a bond with and nurture their children. She said it was just wrong. After enormous volumes of wasted breath, I let A live her in ignorance, unable to even think of what else to say.

So, fast forward to yesterday and we're sitting around waiting for a meeting to begin. One of my co-workers, who'd just given birth, had told me the previous day of the difficulty she'd had lactating that afternoon. I checked in with her to make sure she was OK. A was also there, and we were making comments to cheer the bfeeding mom up. A was talking about her own brief bfeeding experience, and I piped up that dd really enjoyed our bfeeding experience. Of course, it was a joke and we all laughed because they knew I hadn't bfed my dd. I decided, what the heck, I'll bring up the amom bfeeding thing and the sexual abuse comment; by now, after all the bonding A and I had done over motherhood, her attitude had changed, right?

Wrong.

A's response was unexpectedly visceral. She said, "Well, you're not her mother so you'd have no business bfeeding her. That's just wrong. It's sexual abuse." I stated, "But I'm her mom. And besides some amoms do produce milk." She said something about her mother being the only one who should provide her milk, and dd had no business driking anyone else's. I said, "But I am her mom." She said that I'd be upset if some stranger on the street started bfeeding her. I said, "I'm not some stranger on the street. I'm her mom." She said some other mess about how wrong it was, and I kept repeating myself.

Never once did she say, "I know you're her mom, I just don't agree with adoptive bfeeding." That, I can work with. Someone saying that I shouldn't be bfeeding with the attitude that it's a special experience reserved for "real" moms, I cannot. Each successive comment she made felt as though she had taken a scalpel and was dissecting each nerve ending in two. I could feel my daughter at that moment, I could see her eyes when she nuzzles her soft face against me as we cuddle in intimate moments. And I could literally feel her being pulled away from me, as here was this person saying I was not her mother.

I know: no words anyone can say can sever the attachment that dd and I share. No one has that kind of power. But still.

Any ideas on how to deal with this?

[MNelson]

Brat,

First off, I'll say that you handled things remarkably well. I would not have been able to keep my cool and would have hauled off and punched her. But putting my own issues aside I would say that your repetition of the essential truth, that you are a "real mom" and why, is sometimes all you can do. You always choose words so well that it is unlikely that you just haven't found the exact words to create a lightbulb moment for her. It seems she is projecting her own traumatic experience onto you, and you are unlikely to be able to change that.

I guess I would ask yourself, how important is it that you get through to her? How much credence are you going to place on her opinion that differs from yours in this area? And can you accept her opinion from her own experience to recognize that it has nothing to do with the fact that you are a real mom?

Sorry you had to endure that. I know it's impossible to not take personally.

[Casey677]

Brat... I am speechless. And I am dreading the day when I have comments like that said to me.

((((hugs))))
Casey

[taurusgal29]

Kudos to you for being able to keep a level head in dealing with your co-worker. As for advice, I wish I had some to give. Instead, I just wanted to send you some hugs. Sometimes, trying to educate those who are ignorant can be exhausting. You can talk and talk till you're blue in the face (all the while making perfect sense to yourself), but the other person just never seems to get it.
You ARE your daughter's mama. Period.

[Jensboys]

What about some facts? Would that help her to understand the actually logistics of adoptive breastfeeding, the truth about milk banks, wet nurses (of days gone by) why nursing is best, if possible etc? Her opinion comes from ignorance and probably fear based on her own ideas of sexuality and breastfeeding (which as GOT TO BE about as far from my breastfeeding experience as possible ).

Again, I think you handled yourself well.

Jen

[Shoshana]

Dear Brat:

There are a lot of people who have "issues" with bfeeding - and I've seen those issues multiplied with adoption. I do think her "sexual abuse" comment was outrageous but it indicates the depth of her visceral reaction and inability to even listen on an intellectual level.

I don't know if this is a person who would ever be a part of your non-work life but our children need to be protected from people like her. In that sense, it is good that you had this experience with her first.

If I were in your shoes, I would not waste one more breath in explanation or education. I would, however, let her know very directly how ill-informed, archaic, offensive, and insulting I found her views about adoption. I would end by expressing my gratitude to her for being so honest so that I could protect myself and my daughter from her toxic views.

I can imagine how painful these episodes were for you. Now it's time to shake off that pain and be confident in your role - you certainly do not need this idiot to validate your love for your daughter.

[mamacrina]

Brat,

I was just about to log off, and saw your thread. It angered me greatly, as I plan to breastfeed my little one, when we find her. And it's just plain ignorance. I too, applaud your control.

Here are some sites to visit for "ammo"(I will pm you this list in case the urls are edited later):
www.lalecheleague.org/bfadopt.html
http://breast-feeding.adoption.com/
www.lact-aid.com
www.asklenore.info/breastfeeding/induced_lactation/faq.html
www.fourfriends.com/abrw

I hope she pulls her head out of wherever she's buried it soon.

Hugs,Crina

[HappyMomAnna]

.....um did you know that even a man can produce breast milk???? Of course I am sure that would really be sexual abuse to this ignorant woman...

.......the reason a female has a physical 'feeling' from breastfeeding is that the designer of the human body decided that upon giving birth to a baby a connection would be made in which the mothers uturs would contract during the intial stages of breasfeeding in order to halp the mothers body recover from giving birth....The contractions of the uterus typically last a breif period of time before that sensation ends.... and then breatfeeding has LESS of a FEELING for the mother----I am not sure that an adoptive mom would FEEL the same sensations of this due to the fact that all the hormones and bloated body parts may NOT actually be responding in the same way....

[kelleymac]

Brat:

It's such a shame that she reacted in this way, but reading the thread, what occurred to me is that this is about HER issue the she was sexually aroused when breastfeeding, not about whether or not it's right for adoptive moms. (This is a normal, physiological reaction for some women, and doesn't indicate anything improper or inappropriate.)

At any rate, you handled yourself extremely well, and I agree with JensBoys...this has been going on for centuries. Wet nurses were used for a variety of reasons, including a mother unable to lactate.

How close a friend is she? Do you feel strongly about changing her opinion? She clearly has issues around adoption that are being expressed through this one example.

And finally, I'd say that a "real" mom is the one who dries the tears, kisses the owwies, comforts, celebrates the milestones and laughs with their kids. Her narrow-mindedness shouldn't affect you, but I understand how hurtful her comments are.

Best,
Kelley

[maggie_va]

She knows you are your daugther's mom but the breastfeeding experience seems to bring out her own traumatic emotions that she can't separate her experience from yours.

Because you know its a serious personal problem for her and because it appears to continue to bother her deeply, I wouldn't bring up the topic of breastfeeing around her - ever.

Maggie

[spitzlvr]

I am floored. And if it was me, she would have been too.

[icunurse]

I agree with the PP. First thought that popped into my head was that her own feelings of guilt and shame (and maybe failure if she quit because of her feelings but truly wanted to breastfeed) are being pushed onto you. Maybe in her mind she's wondering what *you* get out of it (as she had a poor experience and bfing an adopted child takes a lot of work). You're a far more patient person than I am, as the sexual abuse comment would have set me off and the "real" mom issue would have been a big potential closer to our friendship. Some people just don't get it and it's up to you to decide if she's worth the effort to try and educate her.

[LisaCA]

Hi,

as everyone said, you handled things remarkably well, much better that I would have. That said, I think she's a lost cause. The more important thing would be how other coworkers feel about what she says. My guess is that they disagree with her comments about you not being a "real mom", while they may be unsure of the breastfeeding thing (heck, I'm unsure about it). She clearly has issues about breasts, sex and motherhood and my guess is you don't have the time or the energy to invest in attempting to educate her. she may view those websites but come away with the same feeling.

I find the major problem with work outside the home is the people with which you have to deal-they never pay enough to have to listen to the stupid things coming out of coworkers' mouths. Of course, sometimes the best thing about work are the people involved- major conundrum.

lisaCA

[Overwhelmed!]

Wow Brat! I would've wanted to either get violent with her or stomped off in anger. Are you sure you need such a toxic person in your life as a "friend?" Personally, I'd invest my efforts of friendship in someone more worthy of them!

You are a real mom! Don't allow this person the power to put doubts in your head and make you feel so much pain. Walk away from her when she's pulling that crap!

[coco46]

Can you say...therapy? No, Brat, not for you, for HER!

It's soooo obvious that her own "sexual" reaction to bfeeding her child, plus her guilt at not being successful at it, and her own insecurities as a mom, are behind this attack on you. She's trying to drag you down to make herself feel better.

I agree with PP who said she's a lost cause. Hold your head up high and know that you are absolutely a real mom, a wonderful mom, and a better friend than she is.

P.S. Can you imagine her trying to explain sex to her child later on?