[rastachris]

We are in a closed adoption and we've agreed to send the agency photos and letters for safekeeping in case our daughter's birthmother wants to know about her daughter someday. It was her decision to have the adoption closed, and so far the agency says she has not contacted them for any information.

It has been just over a year since our daughter was born and I'm working on a mini-scrapbook to send to the agency. I'm including pictures from Makena's first year, from the day we brought her home to just after her first birthday (about 30 to 40 pictures). So far I've just been describing what's going on in the pictures and what developmental milestones she'd acheived at the time of the photo, as well as some of our own thoughts and feelings about Makena and about her birthmother.

What do birthmothers want to know? Do they want to know about the baby and the rest of the family or just the baby? How much detail should I include in my journaling? Should I write as if I'm writing directly to Makena's birthmother? Any advice anyone could give would be greatly appreciated.

When I'm done with the album I'll post pictures of it (not the writing but just the scrapbook layouts themselves). I'm an avid scrapbooker and photographer and I love sharing what I do.

Thanks!

[amom4life]

I'm glad you asked these questions Tina. As I was writing Malachi's bmom a letter yesterday and sending the first set of pictures the same questions were running through my mind. Can't wait for responses.
Judy

[momof3kids]

I am not a birthmother, but I am very close with one of my childrens birthmoms. She had told me last time she got my update letter, that she loves to hear about all of the milestones, how happy our child makes us, how much our family adores our child and so on. She loves to hear about all of the little things like how my child would spray out all of her baby food in a fine mist if she was done eating, when she was a toddler, I would tell her to stay off the floor while I was mopping and she would set one toe on the tile and look at me. Just the fun everyday little things! I have always avoided making my letters impersonal and keep the mindset that I am writing to an old friend I haven't seen for awhile. Ultimately these letters are for my children because I make a copy for their baby books and I find it is a great way to recap the whole year.

I never realized the importance of the pictures as well. She needed to see pictures of my child smiling and happy because although intellectually she knew that her baby was in a good home, psychologically she needed to see it.

I am a huge picture freak and I send on average 150 pictures in the update letter and our agency only requires 2. I just make doubles of every roll and send the doubles. My childrens birthmoms are so grateful for all of the pictures, it is the least I can do!

One final thing! We had the exact same situation with the bmom wanting the adoption closed. I never let it deterred me and just kept writing and sending pictures as if she were my best friend and finally after a few years, she was ready. I would just encourage you to keep doing this because one day out of the blue, she may change her mind and it will be so great for her to have that from you! God bless! -Susan

[icunurse]

I'm not sure how much help this will be, but our son's bmom loves to get a ton of pictures and likes that I put dates on them and a small description. She also has said several times how much she likes seeing pictures of us as a family (she even puts our whole family in her scrapbook that she's making about DS). I have always written the letters describing everything - milestones, how the doc visits went, "little" things that happen (like new foods, new funny things he does, etc). I think while your adoption may be closed now, if she were to pick up the letters and pics later in the future, it would be nice to have a timeline of events and growth (which it sounds like you are doing with your scrapbok).

[ellemeth]

I love to see pictures of my daughters with their families and to hear about their everyday life. I liek to hear about the other children in the family too. My favorite picture is of one of my daughters, asleep on her mother's chest in a recliner. Her mother was asleep too and the dog's head was on the arm of the recliner. It was adorable. I like tons of pictures, the more the better. And not just of the baby. I cherish the picture of the baby's room that one family sent me.

That same family sent me pictures of their snow-bound back yard and their letters are chatty, like they are sent to a friend or a distant family member. The a-mom and I even discuss the books we're reading and other things totally not relevant to the baby.

The more formal letters from my other daughter's family sometimes make me feel bad for even wanting them. They write like it is something they have to get out of the way and they dryly report new facts without the fun stories that I'm sure must be behind them. Maybe they are just not good letter writers but those type of letters are harder to recieve. It feels like I am a pest for wanting to know how things are.

Description is the key and try to pick a happy time to write. It will show in a more upbeat letter that will be more likely to reassure her than one written with a resentful or hurried pen.

[amskillin]

What a great thread! Thanks everyone for sharing because I will have to start writing these letters soon and have given a lot of thought to what I would say. Your posts give me a great place to start. Thanks again!

[DisownedRocker]

PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!!! Everytime Z's mom sends me pics I always respond how much it brightens my day to recieve them. I also like to hear about his development, his family, how they accepted him (with 5 baby showers!!!), I know if it were me recieving the scrapbook I would want to see/know: Public or Private school, extracurricular activites they'll have him in, what did they do to celebrate the finalization of the adoption, his nursery, their pets, vacations they've been on, etc. Look at it this way: what would YOU want to see in it if you were the bmother?? And believe it or not, sometimes we want to know about the not-so-happy things. Like the things kids do to get in trouble that we laugh about 10 yrs. later. I would basically want to recieve an autobiography of my son!! I'm sure she'll be happy with anything you would want to put in it. That is very thoughtful of you, and I know she will be very appreciative of it. KUDOS!! Hope this helps