[HopeAlive]

Hi. We've recently adopted our baby boy (born 2/9/05). It's a long story, but because of extenuating circumstances, I stayed with the bmother 2 weeks prior to his birth and was with her through labor and delivery. She never waivered from her choice to place him with us, but it was still a highly emotional experience.

We had talked often, that post placement, there would be letters and pictures a few times a year. That was all that she wanted and was comfortable for us too and what we wanted as well. We did not want to be an extended family.

We did become close with her after spending that time together. She does not have family to speak of and only a few close friends. We do not reside in the same state and have returned home after our ICPC was completed.

Since we have been home (1 week) there have been two phone calls. The first, to know that we arrived home safely. The next about 5 days later just checking in.

I'm not sure what to do. DH and I are forever grateful for our son and try to be empathtic to her and everything she has been through. We don't feel like we can just stop communicating with her right after everything we have gone through and the adoption. It feels like that is harsh. Yet at the same time, I have become somewhat uneasy with the frequency of the phone calls and am not sure how best to proceed.

We have always told her that we would be open and honest with our son about his bmother. We will honor our committment to her regarding letters and pictures. I just don't know how to proceed for now. Does anyone have any advice? We don't want to hurt her, but we are moving forward with our lives and our new roles as new parents.

This is definately the abbreviated version of all that we have gone through with her, but please know that we are sincere in that we do care for her. We just want to continue with what we had agreed upon, and not become an extended family.

Kind advice would be welcome.

Thank you.

-S

[michellemartin]

My abbreviated story back ...

As your child grows he will learn to play by himself. At first he will need tons of reassurance and he will check in with you frequently. Watch a mom at a park with a one or two year old, they're constantly looking to mommy to make sure all is good. Now watch a seven or eight year old, they rarely check in with mommy. They already know everything is okay. (this analogy stolen from my favorite bmom friend )

Translate that to the bmom. She is worried in a similar way that a young child learning to be independent is. The first couple months she may need more reassurance that everything is okay than she anticipated she would. I'm sure each time she calls she is aware that it wasnt agreed on and that she's asking more of you that she had wanted to. She may even feel as if she is intruding by calling, but still has to just "check in".

Maybe you could set something a little less personal up. Like email. Phone conversations are personal, and email is a more respond when I can type of conversation. I email frequently with my daughters parents. As time has gone by, its near once a month, though we have a Very Very open adoption. Now they email me wondering what's taking me so long to get back to them!

What I would like is for the first 3 months to just reassure her when she calls. Be brief, but dont be rude (I know hard balance!). Or just offer to send her an extra letter or two during the what I'll call "transition" time. Adoption contact plans can be tough during this very very emotional transition time. Bmom is learning to live without knowing how her baby is doing day to day, and you and your family is learning to adjust to a newborn. Pretty much its tough for everyone! I'm sure that in a couple months that your contact arangement will look more and more like what it's supposed too. Please be patient .

Good luck.

[ellemeth]

I think first, you have to ask yourself, why you are uncomfortable.

Then decide what you are comfortable with. If two calls a week are too much, would one call every two weeks be too much? One call a month? Would you be more comfortable with e-mails so you don't have to be suprised with a call at in inconvinient time? Or are you completely unwilling to do more than you originally agreed on? (there's nothing wrong with that just know where you stand.)

Then, you have to tell her what level of contact you're willing to continue. Make sure she knows the boundry of what is an acceptable amount of contact. If you were in constant contact in the last weeks of her pregnancy, she may not understand how much contact now bothers you.

I know for me, both times I placed, I wanted more contact at the begining and the desire lessened as time went on. The first time I placed, I couldn't have that contact. The second time, I was encouraged to call whenever, and I feel much better about the decision every time I get off the phone even if it was only a few minutes of conversation.

[scarlet52698]

What post placement counseling is available to her?

I can say that if my bsons parents had been with me like that all the way through the placement. It would be very hard not to call and check in. Placing a child for adoption is HUGE! If you were the only support system she had then I can see why she would call you.

Is there a social worker that you could direct her too?

Please try to keep in mind that her body is going through all kinds of things right now. Hormones are going crazy, her heart hurts, and it sounds like she is alone. Would it be possible for her to speak with you maybe once a month for the next couple of months? I can understand if you aren't comfortable with that, but it sounds like you truly care about her.

[HopeAlive]

Thank you, that was really very helpful. I hadn't thought of it that way, I love the analogy...

I wish she would use her email! I am on the computer often and teased her before I left that she should go get her library card so she could check her email for free. ( I did that when I was down there with her). She is just settling into a new living situation and doesn't have any computer access.

I did tell her on the phone that the pictures should be in the mail this weekend, and I'll send a nice note. I'm hoping that with time, the pain for her lessons. Sadly, I can still hear the struggle and loss in her voice. Not trying to be selfish, but hearing the pain makes it hard somedays to thoroughly enjoy our son without guilt. I am trying to not give into the guilt, and want to believe that she still feels that the adoption was the right answer for the child she carried. I do hope that she feels better with time and with the reassurance from us that he is doing well and very loved.

Thank you again.

-S

[HopeAlive]

I did recommend to her that she speak with the social worker from the hospital if she needed to talk. I also asked her atty to call and check in with her. She did and also gave her the phone number for a local psychologist that accepts medicaid, in case she needed to talk.

I'm okay with occasional calls, though I would prefer email. I would like to see the calls slow over time. I understand the confusion with me being down there with her before the birth, and understand that our bonding will make this process a bit more difficult. But she was alone, frightened and essentially homeless. So we put our heads together and came up with the best possible answer to the situation that we could. Hind sight can be 20/20 sometimes, though I'm not sure I would change any of it.

I'm just trying to figure out how I feel and what the right answer is, if there is one. Thanks again.

-S

[michellemartin]

I know it can be hard to know you're happy while she is in pain, but think of it this way, had she brought baby home, both her and baby would be miserable. Not sure if that's 100% accurate to your situation, but it would have been for mine.

There probably is no perfect or right answer. If she would like a birthmom penpal, I'll offer. If you bring it up to her, and she would like that, PM me and I'll get you my address.

[ellemeth]

The "right" answer is unique for every situation. The only thing you can do is try to figure out what works for all of you. It is still a very new adoption. To you, the contact might feel like interfering with your bonding and your life. To her, not being in contact is probably and excercise in worry.

I'm willing to bet that you were chosen because she had confidence in your ability to take care of the baby but it's hard to remember that confidence when your hormones are raging and you wake up everytime a spider sneezes to worry some more.

I know the call are probably hard on you. And it's really not fair, but you (adoptive parents in general) are sort of our rock. Especially for those of us who are younger, you are stable and everything we wish we could be. You shouldn't have to be the stable person in her life, or her parent but these first few weeks, she needs reassurance.

Time will make that irresistable need to check in fade. The unhappiness will fade. And you have done nothing to cause it.

[2boyz1girl]

I just wanted to make sure that you have fully researched the benefits of open adoption. I completely respect both side's comfort zones with maintaining contact and it sounds like you made it clear to her beforehand just how much contact you wanted. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with now wanting to return to that original agreement. However, we initially did not want a lot of contact with our dd's bfamily. We agreed to stay in touch, but I really didn't want to get too close. After doing extensive research on open adoption and reading so many posts on this site and corresponding with a great bmom here, I now see just how much maintaining contact can benefit the child and we are willing to be much more open than we had originally agreed to be. I'm not saying that you SHOULD be more open. It just sounds like you're still new at this whole open adoption thing, and I wanted to encourage you to really look into the benefits to your child before you close any doors to his bmother. Good luck!

Great analogy michelle .

[michellemartin]

Before I get to much more credit for that anology, A great bmom friend of mine said it first. She's way awesome and I would never have seen it that way if she hadnt said it first.

[2boyz1girl]

I know, that's what the was for -- she's the great bmom I was referring to in my post .

[michellemartin]

Didnt catch that (sheepshly grins) lol

[HopeAlive]

Thanks again, and thanks Michelle for the offer. I'll mention it the next time we talk if it feels appropriate. I guess we'll just have to fumble along a while longer and see what feels right. I do appreciate all your advice. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

-S

[Casey677]

Hey, Hope! I really don't have any advice for you. I am sure that it is so hard on her because of how close you became the last few weeks before delivery. I know that your trip down there wasn't planned and it just may have completely changed the dynamics of your relationship. I just want to offer my support and let you know that I am here if you need to talk, vent, or whatever.....

Big hug!
Casey

[LisaCA]

hi,

we talked with bmom and bgrandma about 3 times in the first week. The best thing to do is to put yourself in her shoes and think about what she may need-that reassurance that she did the right thing. I know it's hard with the newborn and all (I could barely think straight!), but your child will be thrilled in the long run to know you were there for bmom.

one piece of advice- ask her if she'd like pictures more frequently for the short term. we sent a ton of photos about every 2 weeks for about 3 months, and are now down to once every 3 weeks or so (i take tons of photos!)- our agreement was for letters and photos about 5X a year. your child's bmom may appreciate the connection. we also send gifts on special holidays (valentine's day, bmom's bday, xmas, etc). maybe just a small bouquet every now and then letting her know you're thinking of her will make her feel less alone.

our bmom is young, so she's less thrilled about long talks to the old folks( ), but we do write letters too. don't think of this time as making you feel guilty, but view it as family who want to know how the baby's doing. if your baby is like mine, you'll have to run after a few minutes because you can't talk over the screaming .

take care and congrats!

LisaCA