[cxk04d]

Just need to vent. My husband and I have been ttc for over three years now. We are in the middle of the adoption process. The problem is his brother and sister in law. They have a horrible marriage and do not get along well. He was recently thrown in jail for domestic violence. Well, they have two wonderful little boys and have just told us that they are expecting again. I am not happy for them. Every time they have marital problems they think the solution is to have another baby. This is so hard for my husband and I to watch. We love our nephews but are constantly worrying about them. I am feeling so angry about this. I do not want to be around them for fear that I will say something that is not so nice. Any adivice would be appreciated.

[AMom2Two]

Maybe it's time you start avoiding them for awhile.

That is what I had to do with my family at times. Going thru infertility for years and then seeing others so easily getting pregnant while not taking care of the children they do have, made it impossible for me to sit and bear it. The off hand remarks that were not meant to hurt, yet did, had me leaving there in tears sometimes and my dh and I often bickering.

I had to take a break from family for a while. You might consider doing that, also. The person I was then going thru infertility is the not person I really am. KWIM?

Good luck!

[redhedded]

Hi cxk, I am sorry about how you are feeling; I know that observing their behavior during your own struggle and wait must be difficult. Your anger is obviously natural. I have not experienced infertility, but I am often shocked at the horrible ways that people parent; and it makes me angry. It cannot be escaped no matter where you go. Just last week a group of young mothers sat and had a one hour conversation that horrified me. I would like to preface that these are all mid 30s (my age) women, in a very affluent area; they are educated, all have full time nannies, plastic surgery and drive very very expensive cars. None have the challenges (and strengths of) any of the single mothers that I know, and I suspect (from their conversation) that they have had every advantage in life. They were painfully open, laughing with one another, about the hateful things that they say to their children, how they "discipline" them, how difficult their lives are and how very hard it is to raise children; they were generally not appreciative of the little person and spirit that they had been given the good fortune to guide and love. I was so mad and had such a visceral and physiological response; I thought I would vomit. Their poor daughter's are not lovely social kids, and it is not their fault.

There will always be such folks in our presence, emotionally unhealthy and toxic. They may be family, acquaintances, co-workers or strangers. While we do not want their toxicity to affect us and certainly not our children, I think we can, from a distance, exhibit loving healthy relationships. We can provide positive interaction with the children when given the opportunity and show them support. Instead of stepping away, maybe you could spend some one on one time with your nephews. Strengthen them, praise them and encourage them with words and affection. The fun that you have with them will make them happy and will hopefully ease your journey to becoming a mom.

Wishing you a short and peaceful wait.

[Anne5]

It is very understandable that you feel as you do. Avoidance is a good tactic in such a situation. You don't need to do this to yourself.

You also could be honest with them in some way that you find truthful and least hurtful. There are times when the truth can actually help... times when it doesn't help anyone though. So it's your call of course.

My heart goes out to you though. People who hurt their kids actively or passivly really burn me.