[nikig]

some history: When my son, Jared, was 11 months old, I left his biological father (we were not married,his choice).I found out he was doing drugs,and cheating on me.with my friends. and my sister, who was 15.(he was 31, I was 21) When I left him, he started stalking me. looking in my windows,messing with my car,trying to run me off the road,breaking in my house...really bad things. I could write a book. 6 months after leaving him, I met my now husband, Cruz. 4 months after that, i introduced Cruz to Jared. Now Jared is 8 yrs old, and he believes Cruz is his dad. Well, Cruz IS his dad. Jared's biological father has willingly signed away his rights,and we are in the adoption process (WE ARE SO EXCITED!)
The issue is that I do not know how to tell Jared about this.He is a very sensitive.He has only known Cruz as his daddy.How do I tell him? I am so torn, I don't want to hurt him. Do I tell him the truth about his biological father?

[cathy102]

I would tell him the truth. He will eventually find out. If not by you, by someone else. Has he ever met his dad before? I'm sure since he is sensative, it will be hard to sit him down and tell him. Also, don't your husband and son have to go to Court when he adopts him?

Cathy

[lambeausam]

Start with explaining that there are different types of families - single parent families, kids that live with grandparents, etc. Explain that some children live with the two parents that helped create them and some don't. My biggest suggestion, though, is to listen to the questions is he asking. Don't overburden him with details at this point. His questions will indicate to you what level of understanding he has regarding the situation. My 4 and 5 yo understand that God helped their birthmom and birthdad create them, but God is helping me raise them.

Sam

[tomandcate]

I agree with Cathy, and you may want to look into some type of child/family counselor who can help you with this.

From what I've read about child development and telling adopted children about sensitive/painful information about their past, the experts advocate telling children as much of the truth as possible (in age-appropriate terms) by the time they are 8/9 years old - this lets them accept and assimilate painful information at a time when they can understand the basic concepts of what you're telling them, before the onset of puberty when they are already struggling with all the "who am I" and physiological issues of the teenage years.

This is from a book I read (PM me for title and authors if you're interested):

---------

"When children are given difficult information about their birth families or the circumstances of their conception at about age eight or nine (earlier than this is too young, later is more difficult), the child has time to gradually process the ramifications for their own identity before they begin the normal identity stuggles of puberty. Difficult information may include rape, incest, drug use, violence, imprisonment, abandonment of one parent by the other...

Because such facts are very painful and difficult for parents, they should seek professional advice on how to tell their child. Waiting for the child to ask is not an option, since children usually don't ask until much older when the answers are more traumatic. If the therapist you interview advises you not to tell, find another who will tell you how to tell. There is no single formula for telling children difficult aspects of their conception or birth family...

The goal of telling children difficult facts at this young age is to allow them time to understand that the circumstances of their conception or things their birth parents may have done have no bearing on who they are or will become...

Children need to be assured that whatever their birth parents may have done, they are not destined to do the same. They need to hear that it is normal to be upset by this type of information, to worry about it sometimes and even to feel ashamed of it. The embarrassment and sense of shame are for the actions and choices of others, but do not define the child...

While the child is working through the information, it is more important than ever for parents to reinforce attachment and belonging, especially by pointing out ways the child is like [his adoptive parent]..."

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Hope this helps, and I wish you the best.

[myheart]

Niking, I have a niece whos mother had an affair. Needless to say she was a product of this affair, actually her brother is also a product of this affair. My niece recently found out that her father is not her bio.....but to her he IS her father and no one can take his place. She took this news very well,she harbors no ill feelings towards her mother (Thank God). However, her brother on the other hand is very upset with his mother...he does not want to speak with her. TheirFather still does not know and the kids do not know how to tell him, he is a very sensitive person. Lies(or holding back the truth) only hurt people, especially when there held in secret for so long. I hope that you make the descision to tell your son soon, before he gets older. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Ps. Congratulations to you and your husband!!
A legal document is important but, The heart can say and document much more than a piece of paper .
By Lage
Many BLESSINGS,
Myheart

[2boyz1girl]

After I responed to your other post last night I was thinking about it, and thinking that it would be a really difficult thing to have to tell my son now (or ever), if he hadn't known all along. But I was thinking about how much this information can effect a child and how that relates to age. In my opinion, it is better for a child to know that they have "another" father (or mother for that matter) before they fully understand the biological, genetic connection. I just think it's easier for them to accept before they can grasp exactly what that means for them. That way, they can put it all together as they grow and learn. Does that make sense? You can explain "family" in different terms to an 8 or 9 yr-old than you can to a 15-yr-old. I wouldn't suggest that you tell your son too much of the negative initially though. I would start out with "your biological (first, birth, natural, whatever you prefer.) father wasn't able to take care of any child the way your Dad could." Then you can add onto that as you feel necessary.

Tomandcate, I would like the title and author of that book if you don't mind PMing it to me. Thanks.

[tomandcate]

Just wanted to mention the book I quoted from earlier...it is: Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child. By Holly van Gulden and Lisa Bartels-Rabb.

[cheryl g]

My husband was raised believeing that his step father was his biological father until 18 years of age. It was like a slap in the facewhen he was finally told the truth. I think you should tell him as soon as possible. Tell him that you feel he is old enough to understand and you would like to share something with him. I would not neccessarily tell him about his bio dads history. Just let him know that cruz is his real dad but not his bio dad. This is a gentler way to tell him. The idea will grow with him. As he gets older he will understand better. I would make a date and make it special. Best of luck to you.

[mrsred]

Part of the issue is how to tell you son that Cruz is not his biological dad, I think that has been dealt with pretty well through all the other responses. But the other side that doesn't seem to have been addressed is the reason why his birth dad is not a part of his life. I don't think you can tell him the full story at this age. Talk to your son about choices that people make, and how the wrong choices (drug uses, etc.) can alter a persons judgement and behaviour. Tell your son that once a person starts to use drgs, if they cannot make the choice to get help, and stop it is like a desease that takes over their lives. Your son needs to know that it was not a lack of love, it was a dreadfull illness.

[thmccarty]

Ok, this is from an adoptee who was adopted when I was 9 years old. I recently found out that my b-dad is not my b-dad but that I am a product of an affair. I was told this in the middle of the night on the phone by a drunken b-mom. That is not how to tell him or for him to find out. Start telling him using the adoption by his step father. Explain that his step-father is adopting him and a short story why. Keep the horrid details out. You never want him to feel as if he is a secret. He will ask questions... answer them on his level and let him know that no matter what you and his a-dad love him and will always love him. He will have many questions that you may have to answer with " I will tell you more when you are older" then tell him when he is older.