Background: Emily is now 2 years old. A year and a half ago Emily was taken from her birth parents by social services because they were involved with drugs and an abusive situation. Emily was put into foster care. Her birth dad took off and her birth mom has previously been jailed for robbery and hasn't seemed to clean herself up as far as I know. Emily's been living with us for almost 9 months now. She came to us with Attachment Disorder. We have not yet finalized her adoption.

Problem: Emily's bmom has filed an appeal. Should we try to put up a fight. We don't know even if we can (legally) put up a fight. We have a 5 yr old birth son who is fantastic with her and very attached. It's hard to say how devastated he'd be if we lost her.

The other side of the coin: We aren't sure if we want to put up a fight. We love Emily and she's made vast improvements since she came to stay with us but she's also caused a lot of turmoil in the home. We didn't realise she had Attachment Disorder for several months and that caused a lot of fighting. We think it's best for her welfare and life that she does grow up in our home but we question if it's best for us.

Need input...feel free to ask questions.

[Sylvester]

I think you already know the answer to your questions. If you are not 100% sure she deserves to be with a family whether that be bio or adoptive that will give her that 100%. Just my opinion!!

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Ok, I have a couple of thoughts running through my head...

I'm making the assumption that her mom's rights have been terminated and that's where the appeal comes into play. It is rare that a TPR is overturned, the attorneys usually had to have really screwed up the case for the appellate courts to do that, so I doubt she'd win her appeal.

While I don't normally suggest moving a child, especially one that is known to have RAD my feelings are like this. If you are doubting IN ANY WAY whether you should adopt her then I wouldn't do it and I'd have her moved to an adoptive home ASAP so she can begin attaching with her forever family.

I am parenting a 3 y/o with RAD and I do understand how difficult it can be. Best of luck with your decision, I'm sure it's not an easy one to make.

Michelle

Originally Posted by Sylvester

I think you already know the answer to your questions. If you are not 100% sure she deserves to be with a family whether that be bio or adoptive that will give her that 100%. Just my opinion!!

I don't think I quite understand what you're saying. Can you clarify?
Now that I've reread my post I think I may have come off harsher than I meant to. I certainly do think she deserves a loving caring family and she has one with us. There's just that 0.001% of me that thinks she might be doing us more harm than good.
I think maybe the appeal has caused us to put our guards up in case we do lose her.

[DianeS]

First, please clarify - exactly what is the mother appealing? Is it that her parental rights have been terminated and she doesn't think they should have been? If that's the case, you don't need to fight anything - if it even goes to court, the state will fight that the previous decision be upheld and you won't have to do anything. If it's something else she's appealing, let us know.

Have you even been asked to adopt Emily yet? You may be jumping the gun a little bit. Even assuming it is TPR that her mother is appealing, there's quite a bit of time to go yet before she could be adopted by anybody. It may be better if you just consider one step at a time.

But it's good to have these questions, and to think them through completely before agreeing to anything. Having Emily grow up in a family that isn't functioning well because of her presence...well, that obviously isn't best for Emily, is it?

Only you know what you can handle, so only you can make the decision. If you choose to keep her, be sure it is because you want it, and not just because you're sacrificing for what you imagine is her benefit. Every child deserves to be in a home that loves them beyond reason, and wants them beyond understanding. There is somebody like that for Emily - whether it is you or not is something you'll have to explore.

If you don't mind, please keep us posted.

Originally Posted by L-A-J-C-R-C

Ok, I have a couple of thoughts running through my head...

I'm making the assumption that her mom's rights have been terminated and that's where the appeal comes into play. It is rare that a TPR is overturned, the attorneys usually had to have really screwed up the case for the appellate courts to do that, so I doubt she'd win her appeal.

While I don't normally suggest moving a child, especially one that is known to have RAD my feelings are like this. If you are doubting IN ANY WAY whether you should adopt her then I wouldn't do it and I'd have her moved to an adoptive home ASAP so she can begin attaching with her forever family.

I am parenting a 3 y/o with RAD and I do understand how difficult it can be. Best of luck with your decision, I'm sure it's not an easy one to make.

Michelle

Your assumption is correct. Emily's bmom's parental rights have been terminated.
I'm speculating and have no proof but another factor in all of this is that Emily has since gained a little half brother (same mom; different dad). Emily's bmom gave him up for private adoption and those adoptive parents have since inquired about Emily. It's my guess that Emily's bmom is trying to get them together. I have two half sisters of my own that I didn't grow up with so I don't think it's better or worse if Emily does or doesn't grow up with her half brother.
We are thinking about letting what happens happen with the appeal and let that be what decides for us. We are very committed and determined to make the best home for Emily if that's what it comes to. It will be her forever home if we want it to be. We believe love is a choice. Love at first sight is hogwash to us and so is a quick decision. Us having doubts doesn't say that it's not going to work.

Originally Posted by DianeS

First, please clarify - exactly what is the mother appealing? Is it that her parental rights have been terminated and she doesn't think they should have been? If that's the case, you don't need to fight anything - if it even goes to court, the state will fight that the previous decision be upheld and you won't have to do anything. If it's something else she's appealing, let us know.

Have you even been asked to adopt Emily yet? You may be jumping the gun a little bit. Even assuming it is TPR that her mother is appealing, there's quite a bit of time to go yet before she could be adopted by anybody. It may be better if you just consider one step at a time.

But it's good to have these questions, and to think them through completely before agreeing to anything. Having Emily grow up in a family that isn't functioning well because of her presence...well, that obviously isn't best for Emily, is it?

Only you know what you can handle, so only you can make the decision. If you choose to keep her, be sure it is because you want it, and not just because you're sacrificing for what you imagine is her benefit. Every child deserves to be in a home that loves them beyond reason, and wants them beyond understanding. There is somebody like that for Emily - whether it is you or not is something you'll have to explore.

If you don't mind, please keep us posted.

About clarifying, you know what, I don't even know what Emily's bmom is appealing because the lawyer on the case hasn't even looked at the file yet. We feel so out of the loop when it comes to anything to do with Emily. We didn't even find out there was an appeal until just before Christmas and it was filed July 31. Social services stopped the adoption process after we had signed the final papers because of this appeal. Emily should have already been adopted by us by now.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Your response to my post sounded like you're on the defensive. I hope what I posted didn't upset you as I was simply giving MY opinion.

I don't believe in love at first sight either. You stated that Emily has been with you for 9 months IMHO that's not "first sight" or a quick decision. You said the adoption would have been finalized already had they not stopped it because of the appeal. Were you having second thoughts at that point about adopting Emily or just since you became aware of the appeals process?

Now that I know a little more about this, if an appeal was filed last July it would seem to me that the appeals court agreed to hear the case. In our children's case they threw the case out and refused to hear it.

The 2's are such a tough age, very few parents have children that don't have some pretty bad tantrums at that age. Couple that with RAD and it can be a nightmare some days/weeks/months LOL. Are you in attachment therapy with her? If not, that's where you need to begin to help her heal. If so, it shouldn't take long to help her to heal and attach to you and your dh.

It is very possible that they will consider placing both siblings together, if that is at all a possibility it's usually the preferred thing to do (unless of course the siblings cannot live together for whatever reason such as sexually abusing each other, anger issues, etc.)

In all honest, I would worry about you going ahead with the adoption if you truly worry that it's not the best thing for you and your dh which is how you ended your original post.

Best of luck.
Michelle

[2boyz1girl]

First of all, you need to decide whether or not you're willing to adopt her and if you believe that it is in her best interest, and be solid and committed in your decision. I think maybe you're trying to protect yourself -- just in case. Our daughter (also two, and also named Emily -- by us, not the bfamily) came through foster care in the State of CO. In CO there is a law that allows foster parents to become "intervenors" once they have fostered a child for at least three months. Becoming an intervenor makes you a full party to the case and gives you a leg in court. There were some disputes over whether fp's should be allowed to become intervenors before tpr, or if they should only be allowed to get involved once rights were terminated. It sounds like that wouldn't be an issue with you anyway if bmom has already had rights terminated. I'd look into it if I were you, if your case does go back to court it would at least get you "in the loop."

If social services is considering moving her to her bio siblings home, you may want to request that a bonding assessment be done. Although, I'm not sure how that would work with a child with RAD. They do give sibling homes first priority -- UNLESS it would not be in the child's best interest to be moved.

When we were preparing for termination trial the attorneys expected that the bfather would appeal, but they explained that in order for a termination to be overturned the court of appeals has to find a mistake somewhere in the original ruling. As long as social services has done everything right, and followed your state laws, it's highly unlikely that it would get overturned.

However, I agree with the previous poster that if you aren't absolutely POSITIVE that you want to adopt her, it would be best for her to be moved to a permanent home as soon as possible.

Michelle,

I have to be quick because I have to go.
I'm not upset just somewhat frustrated at "the system".
We are in attachment therapy which is going great.
What's a "dh"?

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Believe me, I totally understand your frustration. We've been waiting over 2-1/2 yrs to adopt our 2 fc. We've had TPR since last March. It is very aggravating.

dh is dear husband.

I'm happy to hear you're in attachment therapy. We begin ours next week and I'm hoping to see an improvement with our dd.

Michelle

[79nic]

There may be nothing to decide at this point. It depends what, in fact, the birthmom is appealing.

It sounds to me like she is appealing her TPR. If that is the case, there's nothing for you to "fight." The court will decide whether the TPR should be upheld or not. (They will probably uphold it--it's rare to have a TPR in this kind of situation reversed.)

I'm not sure what else she would be appealing...?

[enchanted]

Well, it sounds like to me that you're having second thoughts might have been brought on by fear that perhaps her bio mom may have some ground, and the risk of losing her.

It's normal to question yourself. Even after nine months, it is normal to wonder if you are doing the right thing. Parenting a RAD child is so difficult and you might be wondering if it's the right thing for a long time. But think about this; if you decide NOT to go ahead with the adoption, will you be able to handle never knowing what happens to this little girl? Will you not regret it if she becomes someone else's daughter, if someone else becomes her mommy?

I hope it puts your mind at ease to know her biomom doesn't really have a leg to stand on. You, meanwhile, don't need to make a decision just now. Good luck in therapy! My neighbors adopted a RAD toddler from foster care and she is a happy, attached, beautiful little girl today after therapy. It really does work.

[MNelson]

I'd just add that its perfectly understandable that you ask yourselves questions about whether "it's right for you." It doesn't at all imply that the answer is "no". We must ask ourselves these questions for any big decision such as this. Especially when faced with the possibility of loss and lack of control.

((((Hugs)))) as you weather the uncertainty.