[Jensboys]

Scenario: (True Story). Open adoption with good relationships between all parties. Not particularly close, but friendly and amiacable. Amom had some insecurity issues during beginning of placement, but those "seem" to be resolved. Everyone is friendly, they live within an hour of each other and visits arent scheduled per se, but do happen every couple of months or so. Bparents are very careful not to overstep and include ALWAYS both chidren in the family (only one their bson) in gift giving and visits. Bson is now 5.

Birthmom and Birthdad have remained together and are now getting married. They have a great relationship and are stable, nice, normal people - much like the adoptive parents. They asked that bson be their ring bearer, and his asister be their flower girl and of course, their parents come to the wedding because of their special place in the family.

Not only have aparents refused to allow the children to participate they also gave the response that "we must do what is best for our family and not attend the wedding".

Ok ... now my question is WHY this response. I am truly at a loss to offer an explanation to my friend as to why an adoptive parent would have this reaction. I can understand that it might be awkward for the amom and probably a little bit uncomfortable - FOR HER. But I cant think of a reason that would justify making this decision in the eyes of the child. At some point the aparents are going to have to have a good enough reason to give the child as to why he wasnt permitted to attend his birthparents marriage to each other. And for the life of me (and I have been trying all day in an effort to comfort my friend) I cant come up with an idea.

So if you are an aparent, or a bparent, and you have any idea WHY this would be such an issue ... please would you mind offerring your ideas.

Thanks,

Jen

[SchmennaLeigh]

Possible fear of emotion during wedding. Possible fear of others referring to the bson at the wedding as the birthparent's "child," totally negating the role of the adoptive family. I would go with the latter on that one, which I can actually see as a very awkward moment for the adoptive parents. How do you respond when everyone is ooh-ing and aww-ing over what a beautiful child the birthparents made together... and, as most social situations where people who don't understand adoption are congregating... most likely ignoring the adoptive parents and not giving them their due respect for a job well done on raising.

That was wordy.

I don't necessarily agree with the decision and I hope it can be fixed before the wedding. But I can see the fear. That is, if it is fear. Which is my only logical guess.

Sending prayers for ALL involved, and most importantly, the bson who would probably like to store that memory for future reference: his birthparents love each other AND him.

[Jensboys]

Jenna - I agree with that to a point ... except the whole extended family (bfamily) know and have interacted with the aparents before. The bgrandma recently got married and the aparents were wanting to be involved in THAT wedding.

Thus the lack of logic ... fear isnt always logical eh?

Any ideas on how the bmom/bdad should approach this. They are devastated.

[Shoshana]

My hunch is that the 'best interest' line is just that - a convenient excuse that once invoked almost prevents questioning. I would wonder if the amicable relationship on the part of the b-parents truely feels like a family one and if that amicable relationship on the part of the a-parents feels like friends, perhaps even an obligation. Of course this is pure speculation, but perhaps the a-parents view the marriage as a further solidification of the b-parents relationship (obviously) and hence more of a threat (implied) to their family. If they were to allow their son to participate in the wedding, then they would have to accept that they were family. I'd bet they're not there and that this whole idea is threatening. (pure speculation from an exhausted mama of a sick toddler).

[Shoshana]

I agree with Jenna. The bgrandparents aren't as threatening. Was the marital status of the bmom a reason the child was placed for adoption?

[seeking2adopt]

My guess is, there will be more than just bfamily at this wedding. The aparents may not wish to place their children in the limelight. Believe me, there will be those who will "gawk" at these two children simply out of curiousity about the whole adoption scenario. People will be fascinated, and will talk, and perhaps ask questions. Please remember that the aparents are THE parents, who know and care about their children's needs and emotions, and please do not automatically jump to the conclusion that they are being selfish on their own account.

There's something to be said about walking a mile in someone else's shoes ...

[Jensboys]

They were young ... teens, and now are in their mid-early 20s and getting married. So, yes, marital status was a reason I guess.

But I guess because I know this bmom well - she isnt wracked with regret, she doesnt ever play favorites between her bson and his sister. She is respectful - almost to a fault. SO respectful that I think the aparents knew that they could get away with this and it would just be silently accepted by bparents. So silently she is crushed, but outwardly, sweet as could be.

Jen

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by seeking2adopt

My guess is, there will be more than just bfamily at this wedding. The aparents may not wish to place their children in the limelight. Believe me, there will be those who will "gawk" at these two children simply out of curiousity about the whole adoption scenario. People will be fascinated, and will talk, and perhaps ask questions. Please remember that the aparents are THE parents, who know and care about their children's needs and emotions, and please do not automatically jump to the conclusion that they are being selfish on their own account.

There's something to be said about walking a mile in someone else's shoes ...

I am an amom. Thats why I cant imagine denying my children the opportunity to participate in something so amazing as their bparents wedding. My kids wont ever have that chance ... I wish they would.

[seeking2adopt]

SO respectful that I think the aparents knew that they could get away with this and it would just be silently accepted by bparents.

Do you know the aparents? Or are you jumping to conclusions in defense of your friend? The phrase "they could get away with this" is extremely judgmental and completely uncalled for, IMO ... this is a personal matter between these two families, and not our place to judge!

[Shoshana]

I am sorry for your friend. Fear is such a destructive emotion and it knows no logic.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Jensboys: Your question of what to have the birthparents do:I would have the birthparents simply ask the adoptive parents (IN A NONCONFRONTATIONAL MANNER!!! so important) why they are feeling this way. Have the birthparents offer to sort of field any questions and reassure the adoptive parents that they will be fully respected as the child's parents. No one will take it from them. I think some reassurance is definitely needed at this time. Sometimes that's all it takes to sweep the fear away.

But the birthparents have to do this in as little a confrontational manner as possible. Gently. Definitely have them explain that they want their birthson to know that not only do his birthparents love each other but they want to show HIM that he is loved by including him.

I can see this causing a huge riff if he is not allowed to participate. Not only between the birthparents and adoptive parents NOW but between the child and adoptive parents later. I really, really hope they can work this out. Just stress the importance of open and honest communication with the emphasis on the memories for the child.

Edit: Addition: I really think the aparents may have just freaked a little, which, I can attest to have doing on my OWN part at various times. It took the open and honest communication of J and D to bring me back to the reality of what was important: Munchkin.

Okay. Yay.

[79nic]

Wow, Jen, my jaw is hanging open over here. This truly makes no (logical) sense to me.

Let me think, though...

OK, first, I'm curious to hear the answer to Elizabeth's question, too--was marital status a reason the bparents placed the child?

I hate to say it, and I have no idea if this is true in this case, but sometimes I get the feeling that some aparents "need" for bparents to be a bit "worse off" than them, to feel ok about parenting their adopted child. (Did that make any sense?) Maybe the fact that the bparents are getting married makes the aparents feel less entitled to their child?

That is all just speculation, not claiming to know that this is true in the situation. In fact I don't even see anything in your description of the matter that really suggests that.


More random thoughts...

Seeking's post makes me wonder:

Have the bparents and aparents and kids been out in public before, together? Or would this be the first time?



Is it possible they feel left out of the wedding? You know, the kids were invited to a part of the wedding party, and they weren't...?


Is it a late-night wedding, where the kids would get cranky past their bed times?


Is there something about the wedding or reception that they might disagree with/find offensive from a religious or moral standpoint? Some people don't believe in dancing, in drinking (even champagne), etc.... Heck, when I got married, I asked one of my (now ex-) friends to be a bridesmaid, and she had to THINK IT OVER--why? Because Matt and I cohabited before getting married. She somehow felt morally conflicted about standing up for someone who cohabited.


I really think your friend should just ask, in a very non-accusatory way, why they don't plan on coming. Say something like, "We respect your decision, and we are not trying to change your minds, but we WOULD like to know why you feel it is not in your family's best interest to come."

Heck, if it's something as simple as the time of night or alcohol, maybe they can change it, and they'll want to come.

Maybe they'll find out the aparents have a policy of not taking the kids to ANY weddings.

Maybe they are hard up for money and don't have extra cash to pay out for a flower girl dress and ring bearer tux.

Who knows....



One last thought:

D and Y and Marie (Maya wasn't born yet) all walked down the aisle at Matt's and my wedding. We called them the "family of honor."

It was a very, very special day. When the photographer asked my dad's side of the family to all come together so he could take a pic of the S------ clan, my uncle (who'd never met D and Y before, ever), immediately pulled them into the circle, too, and said, "You are family, too."

That is how the whole evening was, for us. A really positive experience.

Maybe if the aparents heard some stories about weddings gone ok, it would help? I could try to write something out...

So sorry, all these ramblings were not much help.

[Jensboys]

Thanks those of you who are giving positive ideas for resolution ...

Jen

(my friend is reading, lol I can see her )

[DavidKed]

While only the amom knows the real reasons, it is quite possible that she feels threatened somehow.

My wife's best friend closed the adoption of her daughter when her daughter was 5. I asked my wife why and she said that her friend told her that the birthparents were together again and they were getting married and this threatened her. So, she simply closed the adoption.

Maybe it is easier for an aparent to assume that the child is so much better with them because they are two loving parents and a family opposed to a single mom. Maybe the birthparent marriage takes away that feeling. Just guessing. Aparents could obviously answer this question much better than me and I could easily be 100% wrong.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Nic,

Your thoughts on the aparents needing the bparents to be worse off is interesting, but I definitely think isn't true in all cases. Though I do agree that birthparents are typically put in a category BELOW aparents on the moral, social, education and success ladders in life even though J and D see me as an equal and I'm more successful, morally sound, educated and stable than some biological/aparents that I can think of. (Though, not all, as blanket statements aren't cool.)

Getting back to weddings: D was a bridesmaid in my wedding. Munchkin fell promptly to sleep for the ceremony with B (older brother) and J took some great pictures. I think maybe the idea that they might feel left out of the wedding could be a big possibility. Is there any way to include them? Are they actually close or just because of the adoption?

So many variables here without knowing the people.

Again, all I can do is hope and pray for peaceful resolution.