[traceyk]

I am finishing up the homestudy and I "dream" about what the experience will be like in the hospital. I was hoping some of you could give insight on what it was like. I guess I am curious as to when you held them first, how the staff treated you, was the TPR signed at the hospital and did you get to walk out with them and start your life together just like if you had given birth? Gee, is it obvious I am getting anxious????

[taurusgal29]

I think your experience will be greatly effected by your relationship with your pbmom. We met our bmom about 7 months into her pregancy and soon developed an amazing friendship. She wanted us to be present with her at the birth. It was incredible. The hospital allowed us to stay in the room next to her, but other than that, I found the staff to be overwhelming cold and heartless. Thankfully, we got along so well with bmom that we worked everything out as it unfolded. My advice is to let her (and bdad, if he's around) spend as many of those precious few hours with her child as she wants. There were times when all of us were in the room together, a few hours when I had our daughter by myself, but she spent most of that time with bmom. And, I wouldn't have traded that for anything. I think it was vitally important for our bmom to spend that time with our (hers and me and my husband's) baby. It was beautiful to see.
As far as TPR, our bmom signed in the hospital (it was so difficult for her and for me to see her do, but it solidified in my mind the amount of love that she has for our daughter), and she had 5 days afterwards to change her mind for any reason. But, we all knew that she wouldn't. She's just an awesome, awesome woman.

With that all said, I guess my advice is to just roll with the punches. More than likely, it is an experience that neither you nor your pbmom has been through, so none of you will know what to expect. Just know that it can be a wonderful experience, if you let it be so. Even though the hospital staff was awful, I still have many fond memories.

[LisaCA]

hi,

I arrived the day after dd was born, and bfamily demanded that I be allowed access (it was after visiting hours but I got in). managed to spend an hour with dd, bmom and family. bgrandma handed dd to me and said "here's your baby, you should hold her". She was so small- and clearly was happy to be loved by all.

Next day was interesting. The staff stared at me, I think trying to think who would fly from CA for a baby. It wasn't really rude per se, I just smiled and said hi. The woman at the desk downstairs, after I said I was adopting baby XXXX could she call up and see if I could visit, greeted me by saying "Congratulations mom! you go girl!"- very nice. The nurses were great, they gave me the run thru about what I should do and at the end of that day (friday) dd was released to me. they packed me in the car and sent me off. Bmom and family left before we did, and we gave them time.

kinda weird, since I was now caring for her. I took her to the hotel, where people then said "did you have a baby when you checked in?" . I explained and they were thrilled. We spent the weekend alone, just dd and I, as we waited for bmom to make her decision. On saturday afternoon she signed. dd was then officially mine as we waited for the go-ahead to leave chicago. Dh showed up on sunday nite, and we met him at the airport. I then placed her in his arms and said "dad, meet your baby". He looks amazed and perplexed in the photo .

It really wasn't like I gave birth (not that I would know really, but I'm guessing). we had a day where I was just babysitting, as we waited to hear what bmom would do. I cared for her and talked to her about how lucky she was that so many people were in her life, but she wasn't mine just yet. The minute I got the call I dressed her in her really cute stuff (up to then i kept her in clothing given to us by bmom) and she was mine in my heart.

each experience is different, much depends on what your pbmom wants-remember, it's her baby. I wanted to give bmom time alone with dd, for many reasons, including letting her let go. I also wanted her to have that memory, and just in case she changed her mind about the adoption, she'd feel good about the time she spent in the hospital. btw, bmom breastfed those 2.5 days (very happy amom).

good luck!

LisaCA

[tobeafamily]

Tracy,

First, let me preface that ours is a fully open integrated adoption.

Now, to the hospital. Both we and Ryans' bfamily had spoken with her OB/GYN and midwife about the plans, so they were aware. We also called the hospital's L & D ward in advance to ask for policies, etc. They agreed that if Ryan's bmom wanted, we could have one 'nursery bracelet' for access to him and she the other. They made it clear though that if she chose to parent, they would support her, she is their patient and they will not 'cross' her decision. Not anti-adoption, just setting a ground rule.

Ryan's bmom ended up being induced, we were able to fly out the day before, we all went to the hospital and such. Labor started early in the morning. She was in quite a bit of pain until the epidural kicked in. We were all hyperventilating breathing with her. It was kind of funny. Once she was numb, she surfed the internet on my laptop while Bdad, DH, Bgrandma, and I either napped, chatted, read, etc.

At lunch, while DH and I were in the marvelous cafeteria (note: bring your own, it's much better tasting), they decided to do a c-sec because her cervix wasn't dilating. When we came back we were told the news and that I was to go to the OR with her. I objected, thought either bdad or bgrandma would go. They wouldn't change their minds though and told me to hurry up and get in the scrubs.

Ryan was born, came out swinging. They weighed, measured, suctioned, cleaned and bundled. I took him over to his bmom, laid him on her chest so she could see then held him next to her hand so she could touch his cheek. Then I handed him to the nurse and said "OK take him to the nursery now". Wait. They wanted ME to take him. I didn't want to leave her. We argued until she said 'Look, just GO. I'll be good, I promise. My guts are getting cold!" So reluctantly I left.

Brought him to her room first, where DH saw him. He went and got Bdad in whose arms I placed our son. Amazing moment. Then they made us take him to the nursery and we all went to dinner together. It was strange. I felt every emotion possible at that time - joy, pain, anger, fear, hope, dismay, you name it. All at once. Like a freight train. I remember Ryan's bgrandma saying 'look, they're strutting because it's a boy' - meaning DH and bdad. And they were. My heart just split. Because one would parent this child, and one wouldn't. Not fair.

As for the staff, they were great, though they couldn't tell who was who except for bmom. Even the doctor (her regular OB was out of town) who delivered thought it was a family adoption b/c we resemble each other closely. Most of the staff thought I was bgrandma, I got called 'grandma' more times than I care to mention. Bmom thought that was hystericallly funny.

TPR was not signed at the hospital, Ryan left the hospital in a carrier held jointly by DH and bmom in her wheelchair. We loaded them in our rental car and took them home. By previous agreement, Ryan was to spend his first two nights with them. After one night they called us and said "OK, come get him. We can trust you now and besides, we're tired". So we did. TPRs were done 5 days later, court and ICPC were done 12 days after that and we flew home.

Does this help?

Regina

[echaos]

These are 2 pages from my son's scrap book:

Labour and Delivery:

We had gone to bed at 10:00 PM and managed to doze off. The phone rang at 12:00 midnight. K was at the hospital and labour was beginning! K was 5 centimeters dilated. I woke up Mummy and we got dressed and ready to go. We got to the hospital about 1:00 AM. We stayed with K all night through the IV’s and needles and the epidural. K is scared to death of needles!!

Labour wasn’t progressing very quickly and at 5:00 AM the doctor came in and broke her water. By 8:00 AM she still wasn’t progressing so they gave her some medicine to make the contractions faster and stronger. By 10:30 AM she was still only 5 centimeters dilated and weren’t all the way down and ready. The doctor recommended a caesarian section. We all talked about it for a while. K was scared because she had never had surgery before, but she knew it was the best thing for both of you and the only way you were going to come out!

K could only take one person into the operating room with her. She was upset that Mummy and I wouldn’t be there when you were born. We understood that she was scared and needed S with her. The nurse took our camera in and took 2 pictures for us. Mummy and I called your Granny, Grandma and Great Grandma to tell them how things were going. We also called Uncle Michael, Sandy and Tammy! And then we paced!!

It seemed to take forever and nobody would tell us what was happening. Finally we found a doctor who said that everything was fine and that they were just finishing up. Finally a nurse come down the hall holding what looked like a pile of blankets. She showed us that there was really a baby in the blankets and we saw your little face peeking out. We went with her up to the newborn floor and she left you with us. We just stood and held you and cried and hugged each other. Another nurse then came in and took your temperature and checked you all over. We counted your fingers and toes and you were just perfect.

Hospital Stay

The hospital staff was amazing! All the rooms were full so they arranged for us to stay with you in a lounge called the reading room. You were in your bassinet, they brought us in a cot and we had couches and tables. The Home of the Guardian Angel had arranged with the hospital that you would stay there until Monday morning before being moved to the foster home. So we got to spend the weekend with you. We were responsible for feeding and changing you from the very first bottle. The nurse came and got you for your first bath Thursday night. You were not very happy being naked! You slept a lot, mostly in our arms because we didn’t want to put you down. Sandy and Cathy come to visit Thursday night and brought us some much-appreciated Macdonald’s! I spent the first night at the hospital with you and Mummy went home to be with Charlie and the cats. We would leave you with the nurses and go visit K. She was doing fabulous, considering she had just had surgery!

Mummy came back Friday morning. Monica, Tammy & Tracy, Mike, Sandy & Jason all came to meet you. We had a great day getting to know you. K was discharged at 6:00 PM. We left you with the nurse again and went to say goodbye. We were all pretty emotional. K wanted to make sure that we would love and care for you. We assured her that we would!

Mummy spent Friday night at the hospital and I went home to the pets. Most of our time at home was spent on the phone updating everyone. Saturday we had a problem! Months ago, we had promised Nicole Burns that we would make her wedding cake. Well she was getting married on July 13th! If you hadn’t been 6 days over due, we would have been okay because you would have already been at the foster home. We didn’t want to leave you with the nurses all day, so we checked to make sure it was okay and we called in your first baby sitter. Cathy and Steve were thrilled to spend the afternoon with you. We got the cake done as fast as we could and rushed back to be with you.

Sunday was uneventful with a few visitors. The hardest part was knowing that I had to go home Sunday night, go to work Monday morning and that you would be going to the foster home for 2 weeks. While Mummy was napping I scooped you up and walked the hall. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. The next thing I knew I had a nurse chasing after me to make sure that everything was okay. She was so sweet and supportive. We talked for quite a while. Mummy stayed with you at the hospital that night and I came back to get her and say goodbye to you in the morning. Of course there were a lot more tears Monday morning. We left you with the charge nurse Sue, who was wonderful and even made me laugh that morning. Paula and Normand from HGA were going to pick you up around noon and take you to the foster home.

[alwaysus]

I am really upset because we just found out that I can NOT be in the room when the baby is delivered. The Pbmom is in prison and they don't waive that rule for ANYONE!
They said even if we get a court order, it won't make any difference! Siiiggghhh....I'm sure I will get over it.

[blessedx3]

We arrived at the hospital 3 hours after our dd was born. It was 5:00 in the morning but the hospital knew we were coming and a sw was there to greet us. This hospital is very familiar with adoption so we were treated very well. This was going to be a closed adoption so we didn't spend any time with bmom. We were given our own private room free of charge and baby was with us the whole time. We spent that night in the hospital and were discharged the next afternoon. Tpr wasn't going to happen for 5 more days but we were able to have the baby with us at our apartment. Then we waited 3 days for icpc. It was a wonderful experience. We adopted 2 times prior to this but were never at the hosptial. It was extra special caring for our daughter from the beginning. She wasn't even washed up before we first saw her and I was able to watch her get her first bath

[tobeafamily]

Lana,

That's tough. I guess they worry you might help her escape or something, who knows why these rules are in place? Hopefully you'll get to see him right after though, and maybe you can convince one of the guards to take a video camera in

Regina

[traceyk]

Is it common for bmother/parents to not sign the TPR in the hospital? DH is scared to take the baby if the TPR isn't signed. He is afraid it will crush him if it falls through after we have already taken care of the baby. I do know that with the agency we are using that once the TPR is signed it is irrevocable. Sorry for all the questions, I just want to be informed.

[jleasterday]

We were called when dd was 1 day old. Her birthmom didn't decide on a couple until after dd was born. When we arrived birthmom had already signed the papers. She didn't want to meet us. The birthmom had an outfit she wanted dd to wear when dd met us. We were in a room, I believe where family can wait, when they brought her to us in her bassinet. We stayed there all afternoon. We fed her and changed her and held her and loved every minute of it. The staff treated us like all the other parents. I was given a hospital bracelet. The social worker was great. We left with her the second day after she was given the O.K. to leave. The birthmom had left the night before. She did spend time with dd and I am glad she had that time with her. I have never given birth so I do not know if it was similiar. We had lots of phone calls and company over the next few days, though.

Jennifer

[DebCsMom]

With our first adoption we actually had been given limited guardianship of her before she was born. It just so happened to be the day she was born! We went to court & BMom didn't show up. The Judge tracked her down at the Hospital! We waited outside the delivery room. We heard everything! About 15 minutes after she was born, the Dr. came out & asked "US" if we were the new parents!!!! He gave us a full report & congratulated us. The Nurse brought her out shortly after that for us to see & hold! We were treated as her parents, got to do the first bath thing, took pictures, the Nurse gave her to me after she was all cleaned up & asked if she could take the first picture of Mommy, Daddy & Baby. We were given our own room & full access to the Nursery. They asked us all the questions about baby. The following day my DH was with BMom when she said her goodbyes & drove her home. I coldn't be there. I was outside waiting for them to leave, BAWLING the whole time.

Because we already had guardianship, we weren't worried too much about how long TPR took. Our DD was 3 months old be the time it got done.

With our next adoption, we matched with her on a Tuesday & she was born Thursday. We didn't go see her until Saturday. When we got to the Hospital, BMom had already been discharged. We had met with her & her fmaily prior to going up to the hospital. After the Nursing staff checked to make sure we were who we said, the brought our DD to us! They gave us a room to be alone in. We stayed awhile before having to leave again. That was hard. On Monday I came back to the hospital while we waited for TPR to get done. The SW told me it was set for Noon & she would be up to the hospital no later that 1:30-2:00. 2:00 came, 3:00 came, 4:00 came, 5:00 CAME!!!!! I was so scared. We had had a failed adoption earlier in the year & I was beginning to freak out. I wanted to leave so bad so I wouldn't be holding the baby if the SW came to tell me BMom changed her mind. But I couldn't leave! FINALLY SW came at about 5:30!! She came in & right away began telling me all kinds of stuff, I to this day have NO IDEA what she said. I finally stopped her & asked if the papers were signed. She looked at me like I was crazy & said, "Yes, of course". LOL THEN I began to cry! LOL The hospital was WONDERFUL with us the whole day we were there. Getting us meals, doing whatever we would do as the birth parents.

NOW...with our son. We had an absolutely TERRIBLE experience! The hospital was TOTALLY anti-adoption. Most of the Nurses were nasty to me. I had ABSOLUTELY NO access to the Nursery, not even with BMom. There were a couple Nurses who were nice, but not many. The hospital SW actually tried VERY often to talk the BMom out of the adoption. The SW & I got into it one day pretty bad. BMom was upset because I was not allowed to be with the baby when she told them I could, I even had the bracelet. I could only stay during visiting hours, according to her. Fortunately the night nurse was one of the nice ones & let me stay as long as BMom wanted. I called one morning to talk to BMom to see what she wanted me to bring up for her & I was put through to the SW. She told me that BMom wanted to rest all day & I was to stay away. Later in the evening, I got ahold of BMom & she was in tears!! She thought I changed MY mind & left because I hadn't been up there all day or even called her! SW told me I should leave & let this Mom raise her baby! It was UGLY!!! BMom took an extra day to sign because they were discharging her a day before the baby & she didn't want him to be alone without me. SO we paid for her to stay another day in the hospital so we could be with our son. It was a MESS!!!! TPR was finally signed at the hospital & we were able to finally leave that hospital with our son. It was such a NIGHTMARE!!!

Each hospital is different. It all depends on the BMOm's desires but even then that doesn't matter sometimes. Make sure a hospital plan is in place before BMom delievers telling what she wants to do as far as you the Adoptive parents, etc. Even though BMom says one thing before the birth, that too doesn't mean it is set in stone. She can & should later that to fit her needs while in the hospital. It's a WHOLE different ball game once the baby is born & she sees him/her & holds him/her.

Deb

[tobeafamily]

Originally Posted by traceyk

Is it common for bmother/parents to not sign the TPR in the hospital? DH is scared to take the baby if the TPR isn't signed. He is afraid it will crush him if it falls through after we have already taken care of the baby. I do know that with the agency we are using that once the TPR is signed it is irrevocable. Sorry for all the questions, I just want to be informed.

Tracey,

Honestly, it depends on the laws in each state. In our case, TX law required 48 hours to pass before Ryan's bmom could sign. She could not be on any pain medication either. He was born at 4:58 PM on a Wednesday. Apparently, niether of the lawyers we hired felt it was important to go there on a Friday night to take TPR signatures. Besides, she was still on narcotic pain medications and would be for another 2 days. Thanks to some scheduling problems - Lawyer kept cancelling appointments, much to everyone's dismay, they could finally execute the following Wednesday.

I can understand not being comfortable taking an at-risk placement. There are very good reasons for this. We've had several paparents on the boards take children home in at-risk placements, only to have to return them, and it's heartbreaking for them. We've got at least one 'active' situation here on the boards where bparents are contesting placement and are fighting for revocation/return, court proceedings seem endless, big hurtful scary mess. Nobody wins.

In most states you do have an option to place the child in 'transitional' or 'temporary foster care' pending voluntary TPR of bioloigical parents. This saves you the 'pain' of taking a child home, then having to return them to their parents' custody. If you are in such a situation, I'd recommend you do that if your fear is in possibly having to return. Granted, it will still hurt. Just not I suspect as much.

HTH

Regina

[icunurse]

We knew "T" was going to be induced that day, but towards the day of the delivery she asked us if we would mind if we weren't at the hospital (she said she didn't know how long the delivery would take, didn't want us waiting, and I think she just wanted some time alone with DS and her family). Our son's bmom called us about 1/2 hour after she gave birth and asked if we could come to the hospital. We raced there and the staff was a bit uncomfortable (for lack of a better word), sneaking looks at us, making sure that we and bmoms family didn't see each other (we have an open adoption, so not sure why?). Our son's bmom was incredible, even took our first picture as a family (still my favorite). The next day, she even got us into the nursery explaining that we were the adoptive parents. It makes me smile when I think of how strong and unashamed of her decision she was that day.

The final day in the hospital, things took a while, as it was an emotional day for all of us, but especially for "T". Staff kinda put us off to the side in a room to watch a video (which included info on breastfeeding and post-delivery care ) Neither "T" nor I felt capable of reading the open adoption agreement (we both were blubbering that day), but I will always hold dear to my heart the fact that her SW came and told us that she was okay not going over it because she trusts us. Her trust means the world to me. Anyway, we met in the chapel with our SW's and after a few minutes she handed him to us, we cried, there were hugs. We took some time to get ourselves together and take it all it - we were parents! The hospital staff seemed to want us to leave soon after (both SW's commented on this and said it's not necessarily the hospital, but certain staff may have poor previous exposure to adoption). The only thing I had told my SW was that I did not want to be pushed out of the hospital in a wheelcahir (many hospitals have policy stating the baby must be held by someone in a wheelchair). Fortunately, they let us carry him out in his carrier, checked out our placement of the carseat, and sent us off.

"T" couldn't sign the papers until the following Monday (5th day after DS's birth, our agency's SW's don't work on weekends unless emergency). She called us to let us know she had signed (so we wouldn't worry - she's amazing, isn't she?! ) I honestly think that the emotions of that last day in the hospital made it one of the hardest days of my life. My heart was breaking for her, yet bursting with happiness for us. Hard day....while I have never given birth, I think labor is a piece of cake compared to a child being placed for adoption. I look forward to our next child, but hope that, somehow, it will be a little easier.

[Overwhelmed!]

traceyk- our entire story can be read at Angels amoung us- SUCCESS stories, please! but I'll share the hosptial portion with you.

On 12/21 at 6:11 p.m. we got a call from our potential birth mother ("J") letting us know she was having mild contractions and would probably be going to the hospital. By then, we were in the same city, awaiting the arrival of her child, so we were able to rush to the hospital when she called back and asked us to meet her there.

The nurses and other hosptial staff were absolutely fantastic with both my DH and I and with "J". They assured us that adoptions were a routine occurance in their hospital and that they were there to help. "J" had brought in a "wish list" with her and a nurse went over that list with her in private and made sure that it was followed to the letter!

Jacob was born 12/22/04 at 6:00 a.m. He was placed in my arms 2 minutes after his birth. We were given a private room (free of charge) and he "roomed-in" with us for 2 1/2 days before we were able to take him home with us ("J" had to sign a Medical Power of Attorney form authorizing us guardianship of Jacob before we could leave the hosptial with us). My DH and I have had him ever since! "J" saw Jacob when he was born but chose not to see him after that. "J" and the baby's father terminated their parental rights (there is no revocation period in our state) with no delays, leaving us free to submit a Petition to Adopt to the courts. We have a court date to finalize his adoption in mid-March.

As many of the posters have said, every situation is different. You'll first need to discuss with the potential birth parents what their wishes are in regards to having you at the hospital. If they wish for this to happen, then I would recommend that you contact the hospital where the baby will be born IN ADVANCE, explain your situation and ask for a tour. That's what we did. Getting a tour a week before Jacob was born was a great thing! We requested a meeting with a hospital Social Worker that night and I came prepared with questions that were answered to my satisfaction. You also have to realize that your potential birth mother can and may change her mind about wanting you there at any time.

As for your husbands fears about taking the baby home if the TPR isn't signed in the hospital, it's a valid fear. Depending on the state you live in, it may not be possible for the TPR to be signed by the potential birth mother in the hospital. In our case, we took Jacob home, knowing we'd have to wait at least 72 hours before J could sign the TPR. It ended up being a 5 day wait (the 72 hours fell on Christmas Day and none of us felt right about having J sign the TPR on Christmas Day, so it was postponed until the following Monday). We were "advised" to treat having Jacob in our home (because it was considered a high risk placement) as if it were a babysitting situation. Easier said than done! It was extremely scary for us but we decided to do it and tried to prepare ourselves for the possibility that we would have to return Jacob to his birth mother if she changed her mind. Thankfully for us, she held firm to her adoption plan. It was a very stressful waiting period for us though. It's not an easy thing to do but, more often than not, things work out ok.

Best of luck to you!

[bobbalove]

We showed up at the hopital 1 hour after our daughter was born. At first the hospital staff was very cold toward us. We met the bmom for the first time in person. She is an awesome person. Bmom only stayed in the hospital 24 hours and left. Immediately after she left the hospital staff were great. They gave us a room to spend time with our daughter and were very helpful. Bmom signed the papers the next day. Our problem was Bfather who was never told of the pregnancy. We were told our daughter would have to go into foster care because of some local rule. Long story made short, our daughter stayed in foster care for 32 days. They found birthfather and he mentioned that he had some native american ancestry and it held us up for that long. We were lucky to be able visit our daughter from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. everyday. It was a long process but well worth it!!!