[2boyz1girl]

Just wondering how other people handle negative remarks people make about your children's birthparents? We were having dinner with some friends the other night and telling them a bit about our adoption story, and one of them referred to dd's bfather as a "deadbeat dad". Okay, so he's not perfect (dd came through foster care), but we are in an open adoption with him and I don't feel that those kinds of comments are beneficial for our daughter to hear (in any adoption for that matter). She's still to young to understand, luckily, but I was wondering if anybody has any advice on how to handle situations like this w/o offending anybody?

[roxanna425]

I just, don't tell her story in front of her. I hated being talked about in the third person when I was young and I don't do it. I talk to HER about it and if she wants to say something I let her and may clarify but talking about the specifics (my fdaughter's mom is in jail) invites commentary. I say her mom isn't able to parent bit I do not give specifics in front of her. If people ask why I tell them that it's a private matter. Ana, my fdaughter will often and easily share the fact that she is a foster child and that her mother was an alcoholic. She's old enough to remember, but not to be able to know what other people might feel about what she is saying. Not that what you did isn't right it's just not the way we handle it. If I disclosed her circumstances I feel it's an invasion of her privacy and it gives people permission to editorialize.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

Hi,

I have to agree with Roxanna. Our 3 y/o understands everything and anything so we are very careful to not discuss certain things in front of her. The more you offer in the way of info the more some people feel they have the right to an opinion on your personal business.

When people come right out and ask me questions I kind of roll my eyes toward my dd and say I really can't say right now and leave it at that. Unless I am close with that person I don't go back when she's not around and answer their question.

As adults you'd think people would have more compassion for kids that have come through foster care and respect their privacy, however, that's just not been my experience. The hardest part for me has been the fact that it seems like every person I have ever said hello to feels entitled to hear "the story" I have even lied and said I can't discuss it because of a pending court case LOL. Hey, I do what I have to.

Best of luck, in time you'll come up with some really creative answers.

Michelle

[redhedded]

Just raising my hand in agreement with the others! I would not discuss this issue with friends in the future. Our dd, also 2, also understands EVERYTHING that is discussed in her vicinity and repeats most of what she hears.

If and when unsolicited remarks are made in the future, I would kindly tell the offender that you "make it a rule not to judge others and their life experiences." We had a friend make a disparaging remark about our dd's birthmother. I said exactly the same. While it would have been appropriate for me to explain that the woman they referenced was my daughter's first mother and that offended both me and her, aside from the inaccuracy of the comment, it was not really necessary; my response extends to many people, about many things in a variety of circumstances.

This experience is not limited to children adopted from foster care. Because we are a conspicuous family, people often feel the need or that they have the right to ask many intrusive questions or make comments; these people are always strangers. Sometimes people do not think; they are oblivious and have a need to fill the space. Sometimes they just do not know what to say. Other times, I think people continue this type of social interaction because they have never been "called on it" and reminded that it is not acceptable. You have to decide while your dd is young how you want to handle questions based on what is most comfortable for her. When she is older, this choice will be hers.

While I believe educating others is important and correcting their offensive language and exposing them is important, we have long since tired of educating others and feel they must find the impetus to educate themselves. We do not ever share our children's personal information outside of our family. In fact, this is the only rude comment that has EVER come from a friend or family; ours come from strangers whom we do not care two hoots about. I have a long mental list of forked tongued smart arse retorts that can flow quickly, if you ever need them; though I try to follow my Zen husband's example of just walking away.

Best of luck.

[ingodshands]

Gosh, I can't believe that people can be so insensitive as to say such things in front of your daughter about her birthfather.

I have to agree with the others about just not telling the whole adoption story, or talking about birthparents in front of company when your daughter is around. Also as she is in an open adoption with him, as she get's a little older the chances of her repeating these kind of comments to him are very high, and could end up causing a lot of bad feeling. Apart from the fact that once she is old enough to understand what is being said, she will take all comments to heart about her birthfamily.

I remember to this day....nasty, vicious comments that were made about my birthmother, by my step-father's family, whom my mother was married to when she disappeared, little did they realise that all they instilled in me was a hate for them, how dare they bad mouth my mother in front of me, totally disrespectful. IMHO

Collette

[tobeafamily]

See I'm not as nice about this as some others. I call them on it specifically.

For instance, when people comment negatively on, say, his birth dad, I tell them that his bdad is a great person who loves his son more than himself. Then I ask them to follow the age old rule - if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Because my son is listening, and you're talking about someone very important to him, who is a part of him. To do so dishonors us all, especially this beautiful little boy.

No, it's not polite. I do think it's important though sometimes to make the point than to spoil the party. That's just me.

Regina

[spaypets]

Count me in with the people who STRONGLY believes that the circumstances leading to my daughter losing her first family are nobody's business but hers. We don't discuss it with anyone. Period. I say something vague, like "India is a very poor country" and leave it at that. If pressed, I say, "That's her story, for her to decide whether or not to tell when she's older."

In your circumstance, I would have done my best to mitigate the remark made in front of my daughter along the lines of, "That's an unkind thing to say and not true."

[BlessedBe]

I agree with the others. We intend on not telling the specifics to anyone and letting our child share those with people if they want as they grow older.

Lately, I have been receiving negative remarks about adoption in general from acquaintances and I've put together a FAQ About Adoption handout to give to people who are asking lots of questions. In it, I specifically address how much information we are willing to share about our child's birthparents.

I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to assume it's just lack of knowledge on their part. But, why do the people that know so little always talk so much???...

Since we need and want support for our child in the future, I try to educate people gently and with kindness so no ill feelings are developed. But, if those same comments are ever made in front of our child...I'd have to nip it in the bud and fast!

I've found that a positive view of adoption has really gone a long way to help some people's views. Our attitudes about adoption, our child's placement, and our child's birthparents affect the attitudes others have of the same.

BlessedBe...

[ingodshands]

You said: "Lately, I have been receiving negative remarks about adoption in general from acquaintances and I've put together a FAQ About Adoption handout to give to people who are asking lots of questions. In it, I specifically address how much information we are willing to share about our child's birthparents."

LOL, that's the way to get the message across, educate them!

Collette

[seeking2adopt]

Lately, I have been receiving negative remarks about adoption in general from acquaintances and I've put together a FAQ About Adoption handout to give to people who are asking lots of questions.

I'd love to see what your FAQ looks like!

[icunurse]

Even though DS is young, I am trying to get in a good habit of not sharing information that is not needed and intruding upon *his* story. However, there are still people who feel that they must make a comment about bparents simply because they have "heard stories" or watch a lot of Lifetime. If there is one thing that I will not tolerate, it is anyone bad-mouthing any bparent. My take - whatever decisions or actions bparents make (whether good or bad), thats what made my child who he is today and because of those decisions and those bparents I have him as my son. To me, to talk poorly of DS's bparents is to talk poorly of him, which is unacceptable. Redirection or education is helpful, depending of what you think the other person will respond to best and it can be done without using your child's own story.

[LisaCA]

hi,
we aren't a conspicuous family, but folks do make comments that often lead to mentioning her adoption ( i suspect this will end when she is older, then folks will stop sharing their labor stories, etc-at least I hope so). we mention a few issues, mostly for education. we will soon tire of educating the world and will pull back -I see this on the horizon. I will not tolerate negative comments on her bfamily or about adoption, period. so I say, "we do not speak negatively about... it has the shock value and curtness to end any negativity immediately. It rarely reaches that point, though. mostly we get comments from folks asking where we adopted her from ( ): we say "chicago". I have taken to handing out cards from our facilitator that have a very informative webpage, so folks can learn all they want, and even explore adoption if they chose to.

we instructed the nanny about this. she has learned about many things, including black hair (she's of welsh descent, we're AA). we do not tolerate negative comments about her hair either (including describing it as "difficult").

since I'm a control freak, controlling the language of others is just more fun for me . Dd is clearly a control freak as well, so I suspect she'll learn it's fun too.

LisaCA

[Support2Adopt]

Originally Posted by LisaCA

we instructed the nanny about this.
LisaCA

You have a nanny? Someone catch me quick! OK, I'm green with envy! I would love to have one if only for a couple hours a day!
JJ

[redhedded]

Lisa, Just a sidenote. The other day a gorgeous and friendly AA woman starting talking to me and said that my dd had "awful hair like mine" (meaning her own) and said that her own dd had much "better hair." I am so saddened by this internalized sense of "good" from years of oppression and a "white" standard of beauty. I wanted to give her my copy of Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America. Maybe you should recommend it to the nanny. Subtle and not so subtle words and messages last a lifetime. I told her that my dd (and she) had the most gorgeous hair and I would do anything to have it.

JJ, Don't you know that everyone who lives in Los Angeles has a nanny!

[2boyz1girl]

Thanks for all of the responses and ideas. I wanted to clarify that we too are careful about what we say and we make a point not to share personal information about dd's bparents. I will share the fact that she was in foster care for so long because her birthfather was trying to get custody though. We were actually talking about my having to stay behind with our children for a month and a half after my husband moved out of state, until the judge granted permission for us to take dd out of the state. And he responded something to the effect that 'of course the judge wanted us to take her rather than have a "dead beat dad" get her.' (Which was actually NOT the case, this judge was VERY lenient on this birthfather). I think it basically stemmed from him knowing that she was in foster care and he automatically stereo-typed her bparents. It was the day before we finalized, so it was a hot topic. But you're right, in the future we should probably share even less with others.

I like Lisa's "we do not speak negatively about..." and I would also like to see your FAQ sheet BlessedBe. Oh yeah, and I want a Nanny too!