[bug'smom]

My husband is willing to go to orientation and classes but isn't 100% sure about the whole adoption idea. I certainly don't want to have to convince him. I am just hoping after this meeting and classes, he will decide on his own.

Has anyone else experienced this? My husband is such a wonderful father I think he is just worried.

I hope it all works out.

Jennifer
Bio mom to Matt 7
Orientation 2/5/05
Classes 4/05

[jewelewis]

My husband was really not for adoption. We have an 8 year old daughter. He was worried he wouldnt feel the same. We have friends who have adopted and they told him there is no difference. But he just couldn't believe it. I asked him one day not to say no but to pray about it. A couple of days later he told me to get him some info. We went to an International adoption seminar. We then met through a friend a wonderful young lady who would 6 months later give birth to our daughter. DH cant imagine not having her in our life. He is wonderful with her and loves her sooooo much. No one could tell my dh that once he held that baby it is HIS. He had to trust God and just jump in. I know how you feel. I didnt want to force him to do anything. But one day he just decided that "hey maybe this isnt such a bad idea." I know from experience that no one could tell my dh anything until he was ready to hear it. Be patient he'll come around.
Julie

[SadieAnn]

During our yrs of infertility challenges both my dh & I would say from time to time, "we can always adopt". When we finally gave up on the doctors, we gave ourselves a few months and didn't really speak of it at all. Then one day I sat down and mentioned adoption. He didn't say much. But after being married 12 yrs I could tell he was less than enthusiastic. I was devestated. I knew this was not something he should do "for me", I knew we had to both "want" this.

We talked for several months about it on & off. Had many very emotional conversations. Finally he said "OK" but I wasn't confident of his certainty. (At the same time I was boucing off the walls excited!!!)

Our first real contact with our agency was a @ 2 hr mtg with a SW an attorney. When we left there I was amazed how totally excited my dh was. It was like it just hit him, "this could really happen for us"?!!! He's been "on board" ever since. AND since then we experienced a first match that failed after we had a baby home for many weeks. So now we are both guarded, but still BOTH on board to try again.

So I would say go ahead with the orientation. This is an information gathering time that can help answer many questions he may have. Many of us come around to adoption in our own way.

Good Luck!!

[bug'smom]

It's nice to hear others experienced the same thing. I agree I don't want to "talk him into it" or feel like he is just doing this for me. I just pray after Saturday's meeting he is more eager!

Jennifer

[.xXTammyXx.]

Hi Jennifer!

When I first mentioned that I wanted to attend an adoption orientation meeting my husband wasn't exactly thrilled but agreed.

We went to an International Meeting and actually both left feeling sort of disappointed and unsure. My husband suggested attending a domestic meeting.. just out of curiosity.

The following month we attended the domestic meeting and instantly knew this was for us! Hubby even jokes to this day about how HE is the reason we are pursuing a domestic adoption.. to my amazement he is proud of it, lol.

I wish you & hubby the best of luck and hope the meetings provide you with enough information to know what is right for the both of you!

-Tammy

[BlessedBe]

Jennifer,

Today as I was checking out adoptivefamilies.com...I found this article. I hope it helps...

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=186

BlessedBe...

[traceyk]

My husband was very supportive and I had no idea anything different. One day he said he wanted me to know that at first he was doing it because it was a woman thing and he wanted me to be happy and he didn't mind either way. Then he said he feels so much different because he has been having dreams about us laying there with a newborn again and the feelings he had with our daughters all came back. Now he is going crazy to finish the homestudy and get a baby home *LOL* Also, the man who wanted four daughters now wants a son You will be surprised what happens once they get swept up in the feeling and it becomes a reality, not a hope or dream.

[LisaCA]

dh and I agreed when we got together we'd adopt, so he was on board. However, when we were putting our paperwork together and he had to write these essays on his life, etc., he was much less enthusiastic. I let him have time, but then I finally decided enough was enough and forced him to talk (he's very gary cooper like, says little unless a gun is to his head ). Turns out he was upset because he thought his life up to that point was full of underachievement(?). So I had to point out his job, the things he's done, his salary (way more than I make after decades of school), his impact on our animals, on his family, his extended family, my family, etc. So I bring this up just to say "who knows what goes on in the minds of men?" . your husband may have issues that aren't necessarily related to adoption (maybe fear of being the breadwinner, or at least measuring up to his dad, the ideal dad,etc; could be many things!). Sometimes you have to tie them up and force them to talk-ugh! My guess is that there are many things to freak out about when deciding to parent, but women tend to talk amongst themselves, read, watch documentaries, etc. and reassure themselves. Many guys (not all but enough of them) like to wallow in their worries so it immobilizes them. It's not in the front of their mind all the time, it just pops up when women mention something to trigger its appearance. Take the classes, let him meet folks who have done adoption (dh was quite happy meeting women who have done open adoptions-reassured him). He'll have more info with which to make a decision.

take care

LisaCA

[bug'smom]

I am nervous. My husband is coming around slowly. We go to the meeting at 10:00. I am hopeful it will be positive and my husband will decide he's ready!

Jennifer

[mandht]

Interesting. I feel like the odd one out. In our relationship, it was I who was uncertain. My husband was always ready and even asked me to stop the treatments and accept adoption. Our first orientation meeting, I cried and walked out.

Fast forward almost three years later, and we are in a situation and hope to become parents in March and I'm doing and loving it all.

[chrisandaaron]

I admit, my husband was totally onboard with adoption from day one. However, open adoption was a different story. I recommend, "The Story of David." It is a book written by a father (and Cleveland area Police Officer) about his experience with the adoption of his son. It also talks in depth about the special relationship he has with his son and his son's birthmother. My husband couldn't put it down and he always recommends it to anyone considering adoption. It also convinced him that OPEN (and I mean very Open) was the way to go. I think it is a nice book for guys because it is written by a tough guy kind of guy.

Good luck!
Chris

[JulesInColorado]

Jennifer - I went through years of off and on infertilty treatments, my husband was not so sure about that stuff, finally got on board with it. Then, I got to the point where I told him if this round of treatments doesn't work then we are looking into adoption, he agreed. When the last round of treatments didn't work I wanted to jump right into looking into adoption because I knew that is was not a short process. He on the other hand wanted to take things one step at a time. So I researched without him and didn't say anything, I just did some calling around etc. on my own. Then, based on what I found I determined that we were going to need to fund the adoption. At this point it was 4 months after my last failed treatment, so I finally brought the subject up to him. He could tell I was serious. He started looking into ways we could fund it which let me know he cared, then once we had a way we finally signed up with an agency. Once we signed on it was like a whole different person, I think he was relieved that we were not going to do anymore fertility treatments and happy that I was happy. I also think that one of the other posters was right, I think men need to feel like the providers and feel stable etc. Well, right before we signed on my husband got hired as a police officer, we have a house now and I think he feels "ready" so I think that helped. But now we are with an agency that wont do the homestudy until they have placed couples before us...we've been waiting six months and the agency made it seem like it might be another few months or so ...that's hard when I have a hubby that wants instant gratification..lol he's the type that if he sees something he wants he goes out and gets it! So yes I definitely had the same troubles, it's not fun when you are totally into it and your DH has reservations, puts a damper on things. It's hard enough having to deal with everything else let alone that

Hope he comes around!

[bellazmama]

When I first explored the idea of adoption, my huband was still certain that I could try to get pregnant (I'm a diabetic). After talking to my doctor, he knew i couldn't do a prgnancy, but he was still a bit resistant to the idea of adoption.

I dragged him to a meeting with our social worker at Bethany. What we fist decided (well, HE decided,) was that we would adopt a "healthy White baby." The selfstudy was very eye-opening for us both and drew him much closer to the idea of parenting through adoption. The longer we waited, the more anzious he became to parent. It was wonderful.

After two failed placements, we decided to adopt any healthy baby. (Which is what I wanted to do all along.) We are now the very, very proud parents of a Biracial baby girl who is now almost 3.

Our social worker is mightily amused by my DH every time she sees him and our DD together. She says he's the poster child for stubborn husbands!

Sarah