[maxkinzie]

We became aparents to our infant in early december. (domestic adoption) It has been as close to a perfect process as I can imagine! Our adoption is set up that BMom gets quarterly pix and updates through our agency. She has met us at the hospital but doesn't know identifying info. So as I'm going through my mountains of pix I mention to my mom that I'd love to send BMom lots of pix (she wants pix), to share "our" daughter as best we can.

My mom struck the first real fear, so far, into my heart when she said she didn't think we should as BMom might fall in love with her too and want her back. (not OUR gut feeling). The hook is that bdad is nowhere in the picture yet, has been unavailable to terminate rights, but she knows who he is. She hid the pregnancy, it wasnt' her first and she thought better of raising another child. I fear the possibility that my mom might be right and if BMom wanted to she could use bdad to try to get our dd back. I don't want to believe she'd do this, and we have NO REASON to indicate she would....

Maybe I should keep info/pix to a minimum till paternal rights are terminated? Also, since she hid the pregnancy, would grandparent's have any rights if they happened to find pix/update and wanted her?

Any thoughts, advice, experience appreciated! I'm not freaking out over this, or losing sleep, but it does concern me.

thanks for any input!!!!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Congrats on your new little one.

Anyway, my input is that, if she's all ready raising another child, though she will still feel pain, she is well aware of the hardships she all ready faces. My gut instinct, as a Birthmother, is that she is not going to all of a sudden get a romantic view of how the world works (meaning, money doesn't grow on trees) simply because her daughter is beautiful. (Which I'm sure she is. ) It sounds as though she made a decision in the best interest of her child and, for the most part (as there are always exceptions), Birthparents usually keep that in mind while continuing about their lives no matter the amount of openness.

Funny you should say your Mother was the one who instilled the fear. My daughter's Amom's Mom (wow, that was a long phrase) was absolutely petrified that, when we visited (we have a fully open adoption) for my birthday, which was before finalization but after TPR, that I was going to pack her up, take her home and they'd never see her again. I chuckled. That was never once my intention. Though I miss the ****ens out of her still, I was always keenly aware of what was best for my daughter.

I say send a few pics with a brief letter asking if the pictures are too hard/too emotionally dreaning for her to view at this point in time. Hopefully she will be able to be honest with you. (Instruct the agency before this exchange that any letter she returns is to be sent and not held until the 'quarterly' time so there is no lull in that communication which would leave you wondering. )

Best of luck!!

[scarlet52698]

Congrats on your new baby!

When I placed my son his bfather had not terminated his rights yet. It took him 5 months to finally decide to. In that time I received pictures and letters via the agency on my bson. The thought NEVER crossed my mind to try and get him back. He was beautiful and perfect in everyway and my heart ached that I could not parent him. But seeing him in those pictures and reading the letters from his mom reassured me that he was in the home he was suppose to be in.

If his parents had not been so wonderful and giving by providing as much info. on him as they did, I would have been plagued with doubts about my decision.

I can certainly understand how you feel and I hate that you have to go through the fear and wondering. It's been my experience that when I act out of fear things ususally go wrong for me. When I trust in "The Grand Design" and do what I think is the next right thing, things always work out beautifully.

Wish you many blessings in your journey of mommyhood

[Jensboys]

I would also say that if she is counting on you and trusting you - and then you fail to meet her expectations (ie sending less than great pictures or a lower quantity of pics etc) that she would be MORE prone to overturn the adoption and find trustworthy parents for her child. If she show her through your actions (even knowing that things arent finalized) that you are honorable and trustworthy people she will be more prone to believe that the promises you made, you intend to keep.

Open adoption often TERRIFIES people (especially those who dont understand it eg Grandmas!) but remember there will come a time where you will have to explain to your child why or why not you did/nt act with integrity towards her birthmom. Remember you are showing your child (even though she is too young to yet understand) respect by respecting and honoring her birthparent. GOOD FOR YOU

Jen

[tobeafamily]

First, go get yourself and your mother a copy each of "Adoption is a Family Affair: What Friends and Family Must Know" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. Read it and ask her to.

Your daughter's bmom already loves her more than her own life, seeing pictures will not change that. In fact, the more pictures, the more she sees that her child is getting the life she went through so much pain to give her.

Open adoption relationships are built on trust, and trust is built by keeping one's word, honesty and respect. To not do what you said you would is first, dishonest, second, disrespectful and third, builds an atmosphere of distrust. This dishonors not only you but your child.

If anything, breaching that trust even in a tiny way will increase the liklihood that this young lady would choose to parent, because she'll be terrified of losing her last connection to this child whose placement I promise you was probably the most difficult thing she did.

So send pictures, tons of them. So many that she sends a letter back saying OK ENOUGH already.

Oh, and read the book. Make sure your mom does too. And if she's still not sure, ask her if she loved you before you were born. She did, and your child's bmom did too.

IMHO

Regina

[SadieAnn]

We lost a baby boy after 5 wks at home due to bfather action. So I totally understand your fear. Still, the bmom was never the issue, she supported the plan throughout. So on top of grieving the loss of her baby she was dealing with a bfather who supported the adoption throughout preg and then changed his mind. Also he wouldn't make a final decision (hence our bonding time with baby) so all of our lives where in limbo.

Your bmom may be worrying about bdad just as much as you are. (On top of thinking about and missing her baby). So send her the pics as promised and give her one less thing to worry about.

She'll feel better about the placement if you stay true to your word.

Good luck! (((hug)))

[79nic]

Congratulations on your little one.

I'm a little tentative about posting this, because I do not want to come across harsh. I can't imagine the fear aparents feel when they have the baby placed with them, but TPR hasn't happened yet. So, I'll admit that this is coming from someone with no experience... and that it might be hard to take my own advice if I were in your situation. But for what it's worth, here it is...

----

Not that this really matters, but... for what it's worth, I'd have been MORE upset and likely to reclaim if I DID NOT get pics during the revocation period.

I say that that doesn't matter, though, because really, your actions should not be motivated by fears. It's just a bad idea in life, generally, to make decisions/act in certain ways because you want to get a certain reaction out of someone. For one, you'll drive yourself crazy with second-guessing if things don't turn out the way you want; for two, (IMO) it shows a lack of respect for the person you are dealing with. (Note that I didn't say YOU are showing a lack of respect... I think it's totally normal to consider what you are... but IMO considering and acting are two different things. When we choose our actions because we want a certain reaction out of someone else, in my mind that crosses the line into manipulation.)

Have you read Amom2two's thread about her failed placement??? She spent some time wondering whether she should go to the hospital or not, when the baby she was planning to adopt was born. In the end, she decided not to go, because she felt in her heart that that was the respectful thing to do. She probably got a million differing opinions... "Go, if you don't the bmom might think you don't care, and won't go through with the placement." "Don't go, if you go the bmom might think you are pushy, might hate seeing you with the baby, (etc), and won't place." Etc etc.

In the end, she decided to base her decision not on what she wanted from the (b)mother, but instead on what she thought was the right thing to do.

Please consider this...

Ask yourself how you would feel if the birthmother said, "You know, I don't want you to take the baby home straight from the hospital, even if you are willing to do so, because I don't want you to get too attached to the baby in case the bfather doesn't terminate his rights." Wouldn't you be angry? Don't YOU have the right to make the decision about what kind of risk you're willing to accept?

She has the right to decide whether she can handle pictures or not. If she says she can handle them, and you've agreed to provide them, then that's what you should do, IMO.

___

Hope that did not come across too judgmental. As I said, I think it's TOTALLY normal for this to have crossed your mind. And I can't know the fears aparents face in this situation. So even if you didn't send them, out of fear of her changing her mind, I would NOT think you are a bad person or anything. But I pretty firmly believe that it's best for everyone if people don't choose their actions out of wanting a certain reaction from someone else.

((((Hugs))) and I hope everything works out. Good luck.

Nicole

[maxkinzie]

Nicole,
not taken as harsh or judgemental AT ALL! I love asking stuff here because people will risk sounding harsh or judgmental in the interest of doing the right thing!

...just for the record tho, I would never not send the agency-required 5 pix and updates! I'm just not sure I could narrow it down to only 5, but was doubting how wise it was to send much more. -I wouldn't have thought of this on my own but my mom brought it up, and the older I get, the wiser she gets! thanks!!

[blessedx3]

Maxkinsie~I totally understand your fears. Our dd bmom also kept her pregnancy a secret. It took about 3 months to finally have birthdads rights terminated. I agree with the other posters and would send pictures and letters. Is your agency in the process of terminating the bdad? Hopefully it will get resolved soon.

[Big Dreamer]

Maxkinsie,

I also had a hard time deciding what pics to send H so I created a small web site so that H can see the pics anytime she wants. We also send her a CD with pics every four or five months that way she can print the ones that she likes.

I do hope the bfather rights are terminated soon.

If you ever need anything there are lots of people on the forum who will be glad to give you support.

I am here for you any time day or night. By the way...I would love to see some of your favorite pics of you and your daughter.

Hugs,

Maria

[wanttobeparents]

Even though Michael is 15 months old now and the adoption is final, my mother continued to ask if the birthparents are going to take him back. The birthfather stayed with us for a week after Christmas, helping out while the kids were sick and I had two on a nebulizer. When he came to my parents house to help them clean up the old house after a move and picked out things he thought the boys would treasure, she finally stopped asking and sees that he really is part of our family now.

My parent's generation cannot understand open adoption easily. Too many Lifetime movies and friends that insist that it is wrong. A little education and time will help.

I also send the birthparents a CD with all the pictures on it.

Peggy

[LisaCA]

everyone has great points here-let me just say "ditto".

bmom is counting on you and these first few weeks set the tone for the relationship. continue to build on the trust that you've started by sending whatever notes and pictures you have. Our bfamily loved the multiple rolls that showed up about every two weeks (the first 3 months). it has since slowed to one pile (at least 10 photos) a month, which is where I suspect it will stay for the next few years. btw, I did ask if I was sending too many and if they felt it was, please tell me. They like the huge number so they can share them with bgreatgrandma, etc. For dd's santa picts we went broke getting extras so everyone could get at least a wallet-size:-).

my mil insists dd (now 6.5 months old) will be taken away by the deranged bmom, no matter what I say. It seems as if she's waiting at the door for bmom to show so she can jump out of the bushes and gloat-ugh. peggy's right, there's something about many in that generation who can't wrap their heads around open adoption, which is fine by me. every time I mention how we spoke to bmom and sent picts, I get to gloat (a minor cold war victory, but important nonetheless ). for my mil, it's the romance novels she's read for decades plus the lifetime/major network movies, plus the occasional real life tug of war such as baby evan. They haven't read what we've read, talked to people like we have and posted here. If they had, things would be slightly diff. don't worry, bmom is already in love with dd. the picts will probably help to reassure the family that you're the right ones for dd.

bdad is a different story. I don't know what to tell you there, other than to hang in there. Your agency should be working on tracking him down and terminating bdad's rights.

good luck and congrats on your new daughter!

LisaCA

[icunurse]

Just a short addition to what other shave shared....

We agreed to send DS's bmom pics every month for the first year and then about 4 times a year after that and then maybe twice a year starting in early grade school. We kinda figure things out as we go along and could very well end up sending pics more frequently (who can appreciate my son's handsome smile more than his bmom? ) I admit, it is getting harder to stay on top of writing a letter, getting pics developed on time, getting to the post-office (as mentioned above, it will get a little easier soon). But I know how much she enjoys all of the pics I send (and I sometimes send A LOT - anywhere between 8-20). It's a promise we made to her and she has told us how comforting they are to her, as he looks happy and healthy and loved by everyone. As a PP said, it's more comforting to see that a child is okay than to wonder what's going on and if promises have already been broken.

[DavidKed]

maxkinzie,

Are you comfortable adopting a child when the birthfather has been purposely deceived?

David

[maxkinzie]

No, I would not be comfortable if b-father had been decieved! The pregnancy was hidden from BMom's family,she didn't want to cave-in to expected pressures. Both BMom and our agency social worker have made numerous attempts to get him to respond. Messages were left on his machine when BMom went into the hospital with complications and he never called or anything. Their guess was that he was afraid of being trapped into paying child support, or he doesnt' want to or cant' handle being a father. BMom did leave him because he "didn't want to do anything with his life", and she does, for herself and the daughter she already has.

Sorry that got long, bottom line is I couldn't knowingly decieve a parent, even if it got me/us a child I dont' think I could do it.

thanks