[Missourimomtobe]

Okay, this may not be a popular question to ask but I'm going to ask it anyway:

Why do so many of the birthparents and adoptive parents struggle over what to call the birthparents? Why aren't the birthparents simply called by their first names and the adoptive parents called mom and dad?

It almost seems like the birthparents won't let go somehow ... I feel like if I am raising this child from birth, then *I* am the child's mother. Period. I am the one there for the child 24/7/lifelong ... why would the child need to call anyone else mom? This may sound insensitive, I know. I understand the biological connection but to me, being a mother is more than a biological connection. Right? That's why people adopt ... because they want to parent a child, raise them to be great adults, and care for them forever. Biological ties mean nothing to us in that respect - we are willing to love a child with none of our blood in his or her veins.

I am grateful, of course, to the birthmother for not having an abortion. But frankly, shouldn't there be a respect for me as well in my role as lifelong mother?

I have already been a step parent for 17 years and my step-daughter simply calls me by my first name. Her mom - the one who primarily raised her and had custody of her, in all honesty - is her mom. I wouldn't have it any other way, even though she admits she doesn't know life without me. I just don't get why there is all this confusion and naming "mommy this" and "daddy that" ... truthfully, this is where the whole concept of open adoption concerns me. That the birthparents will somehow want to be involved as a parent - and if that's the case, then why give the child up for adoption in the first place?

I also struggle with calling me an "adoptive" mom. To me, adoption is a one time occurrence. After that, I am mom. My husband is dad. Why do we have to keep making such a distinction all the time? It's almost as if we are second class citizens somehow.
Again, no intentions to upset anyone or minimize the role of the birthparent, but it does seem like there should be some clear boundaries on this stuff. Does anyone else struggle with this? Or is it just me? Maybe I'm just pmsing, but those are my questions for today!

Namaste,

[Jensboys]

I think parts of what you say are true - but you are looking at things from ONLY your perspective. Adoption isnt a one time occurance for the child - yes its how they joined your family, but THEIR reality is that they are a lifelong adoptee. Whereas you may have only one child - the child, in all reality has more than two parents (4 infact usually).

So although you may not like using special names for birthparents - its not a matter of respecting THEM, its a matter of respecting your child's reality. If you can accept that a FACT of adoption is that your child has two mothers (one mommy) two fathers (one daddy) it will be ALOT easier for you to support your child through their life as an adoptee.

I think the question regarding calling birth parents "mom so and so" is most often brought up in older child adoption (I think I know which thread you are discussing). Our boys knew their birth mom as "mom". For several years they called her "Mama L" and now they call her just "L". It wasnt about what made me comfortable it was about made THEM comfortable.

In the case of infant adoption you need to realize that the child's birthparent IS parenting by choosing adoption. They are a lifetime parent to the child - even if they arent a lifetime mommy. Some adoptive parents feel it is important to recognize that special relationship with a special name (some on this site use "Bema" and "Beda" or Mama so and so etc) others simply use first names (most are actually VERY comfortable with that).

But even if they are called by their first name - it doesnt EVER change the birthparents reality that they ARE a parent to that child (even if they arent parenting in the traditional sense) and that to the child - they are also a parent.

Recognizing that, Grieving that (at times) and accepting that are all parts of the adoption process that adoptive parents MUST work through if we want to be the BEST parent we can be to our children.

[Itcha]

I have to agree with MO. Mom if you are going to relinquish parental rights then the right to be called "mommy" and "daddy" are also relinquish. I understand wanting to have a relationship with one's birth child, but what about the aparents? They will be the one's who will be the caregivers, support system and the foundation of the child's character! Don't they count too? I 'm not downing one to praise the other ,but really, being a parent IS a lifelong commitment/job and it takes a lot a patience, love and nurturing to make that kind of commitment not bloodlines. Once again, I'm not down downing anyone, I'm just voicing my opinion.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Everyone has had a hard holiday season... is there any way at all that we can stop being kicked while we are down??

Just wondering... Does it make you feel better... or what?

[Jensboys]

Reputation Farming
It is important that everyone accept that there are going to be times where people don't like what you have to say and you may get bad marks. It is not appropriate to preface potentially controversial comments to come with "I know everyone is going to give me bad marks for this, but....." Just say what you are going to say, take a deep breath and maybe consider what the other point of view is so passionate against IF you are rated negatively. It is also not appropriate to complain about recieving negative marks. This is because it is usually for the purpose of extracting pity from others who you hope will bolster your reputation. Again, it is important to come to terms with the idea that not everyone will be happy with what you have to say.

Administration and moderators can view who left what comments and ratings. That should serve as a warning to those who would abuse it and a protection to those who have been abused.

Remarks in respect to "reputation farming" will be and have been edited out.

Jensboys (posting as a moderator on this thread even though I already posted as a poster)

[Missourimomtobe]

Wow ... I had no clue there WAS such a thing as "reputation farming" ...

numbr1dbcksfan:
Everyone has had a hard holiday season... is there any way at all that we can stop being kicked while we are down??

Just wondering... Does it make you feel better... or what?

Huh? I missed something ...

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Guess you did.

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by Missourimomtobe

It almost seems like the birthparents won't let go somehow ... I feel like if I am raising this child from birth, then *I* am the child's mother. Period. I am the one there for the child 24/7/lifelong ... why would the child need to call anyone else mom?

Well, that is kind of a correct assumption... most birthparents DON'T want to let go! In my personal case I just felt like it was the best option for my daughter to have a good life as opposed to me becoming a single mom at 17 and still in high school.
I had actually never used the terms "aparents" and "bparents" until coming to the forums. Although I know it may have been confusing for people who weren't familiar with the situation, I have talked about "my daughter's mom" before. Amanda refers to me by my first name. However, my sister refers to our mom (HER bmom) as Mom.
My personal feeling: I am my daughter's mom. Patti is my daughter's mom. I feel that we can both be that. It takes nothing away from either of us. Am I upset that Amanda doesn't refer to me that way? Not a bit. It was completely her choice. It was never a condition to our relationship.

[Leigh131313]

nmbr1dbcksfan...


Please understand that most of the adoptive parents I know go through this too...Adoption is full of love, sadness, happiness, grief and loss...Just as YOU feel loss over many things, adoptive parents also feel loss. THIS is our loss..

I dont think this poster was aiming at you or anyone, she is dealing with an aspect of being an adoptive parent...an aspect that she will have to come to peace with.

She is asking for our guidance and experience, I know you have alot of this to offer. I'm sorry that you are going through a rough time, I hope things turn around for you soon.

As for how I feel about it.......Much the same as others have said...I'm his mommy, no one else is. No amount of love or visitation on her part will change that. She gave birth to him, no one else did no amount of love or time on my part will change or erase that.

Message me anytime...I still have days where it hurts, but most days are fabulous!

Leigh

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

You know, as a soon to be adoptive mom I was shocked by your post! As I imagined, it was very hurtful to the parents on here that lovingly placed their child for adoption.

Can you imagine for one split second having to make the heart wrenching decision that, because of circumstances in your life, you cannot parent the child you have loved for 9 months? Can you imagine the anguish you'd feel giving birth to a child that you knew wouldn't be coming home with you? Can you imagine the heartbreak you'd be feeling as you left the hospital alone?

I have given birth, I can only IMAGINE how devastating it would have been to be forced to make such a decision.

I can't speak as a parent that has placed a child for adoption, I can only speak as someone that has been educated since joining this forum. Most of the people on this forum have placed their child LOVINGLY. It's not about power to them, and, if you notice, most people questioning the names are aparents. It's not about biology or blood or recognition, it's about loving your child enough to know that some other family will be able to give your child the life you want for that child and you can't at that moment in time.

The parents I have met on here love their children with their entire being, if they didn't how could they possibly have made such an unselfish decision for their child? Please be more sensitive. Number1rckfan is right, holidays are very difficult for birth parents, I do know this from my children's mom.

Your post came across with hostility towards birth parents and I'm confused why? Most people questioning this are the aparents that want to have contact with their child's birth parent. Please reread your post, I think you'll see why people are upset.

Michelle

[Leigh131313]

I just wanted to tell you that I went through alot of different feelings when we were starting out with our adoption journey...

It's from fear....it is so scary!! So much about adoption is clouded in secrecy....and most people do not have an acurate view of it (too many lifetime movies)

I am so glad to see that you are posting here in your time frustration and anger so that you can gain some perspective.

Message me anytime
Leigh

[SchmennaLeigh]

I had a longer, angrier reply about respect, decency and so on. However, at the end of the post, I wrote this. I think this line says enough without delving into the true sadness this post leaves in my heart:

You can take the child from the girl but you can't take the love from the Mother.

The End.

[Leigh131313]

Instead of getting upset with this post, can we PLEASE use it to educate??? This is extremely common, and i know alot of people in our circle of friends and family feel this way too, lets fill her with stories of why this works. She needs help.

Leigh

[Volfe]

Honestly, everyone has bypassed the opinion of the adopted person. THEY have a biological connection and often love their bps - even if they've never met (sometimes). THEY know they have other parents and respect that.

It is important to bear in mind that we are dealing with people here and be compassionate, respectful and caring. We are dealing with adopted people but take out adopted and they are people.

Please remember that - and all adoptees reading this thread, please give up your own opinion.

Thanks

Maia

[Jensboys]

Hey I pointed out the perspective of the adoptee

But I agree - MANY MANY MANY pre adoptive parents have the same feelings, thoughts and fears of MissouriMom ... what I am proud of her for is ASKING why and she is interested in having herself educated. I give her credit for that.

Now ... if 3 years from now with a toddler at her feet she is asking the same questions ... I might be harder on her