[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by tobeafamily

Whew!

I remember as a child realizing for the first time that 'Aunt Mary Ann' and my 'Mommy' was the same person, only my cousin's called her 'Aunt' and I called her 'Mommy'. Confused me for quite a while. Yes, I was a contemplative child.

Totally off topic but happening RIGHT NOW in our household as our 3 year old (almost 4) year old son is just figuring that out. He will often now out of the blue say "I call you mommy, she calls you Mrs. N and he calls you Aunty Jen". He finds it hilarious but VERY interesting.

[InionGrinn]

Dadfor2: I have to tell you that when I started posting here only a few months ago I was in the non-open-adoption camp. I'm an adoptee and I'd think 'backwards' into my own childhood about what it would have been like to have my birthparents involved... and it made me not so comfy. That was it....I thought it would be confusing to the child.

Silly that I couldn't see the similarities in my own relationship with my stepson & his family and how that 'works'.

Silly that I didn't realize that some of the heartache I feel from time to time stems from me not knowing my roots.
I just was being 'conventional' I guess - my Mom told me open adoptions don't work so I believed her all this time, maybe?

BUT....I have learned so much from reading here that I can say I have come around. It's easy to pigeonhole things when you are only looking at it at YOUR angle.

I can rattle off a list of "preconceived notions" that I carried around about being adopted & all parts of the triad. I'm so grateful that I found this spot and all this education.

[tobeafamily]

Jen,

Yeah, wait until he tries to figure out where the heck Iraq is in Canada and why they're bombing the place. When I was about your son's age I clearly remember a snippet from the news. A beautiful woman with a great big afro and really cool thin gold hoop earrings (I remember b/c I was fascinated by both) was saying "They're still bombing in VietNam". For the life of me, I could not figure out why they were bombing a street in Philadelphia, why just that street, and how they kept the other streets from getting bombed too.

Oops. Also off topic. Sorry.

Regina

[wanttobeparents]

Originally Posted by dadfor2

but i thought how nice it would be if we did......it just seemed kinda of a nice idea to have more people involved with my kids, that truly love my kids.

plus, a little easier on us too...lol (i know, kinda selfish, but honest... ..sometimes i need a break, and wouldnt it be nice if it was their birthmom looking after them.. )

dadfor2,
It is absolutely easier! Our whole family came down with 5th's disease for Christmas, which is usually not such a big deal with kids, but in adults you get arthritis symptoms for 1-3 months. The only way to ease the symptoms is ... rest. Meaning don't pick up the 26 lb baby. My hands were so swollen that my ring finger was blue. I walked like I was 110 years old. Both kids caught another virus and had to be on a nebulizer for Christmas. I had not slept more than 2 hours at a stretch for weeks. Michael's birthfather, "K", was the only family member not afraid to come help. He stayed for a week, stayed up at night holding Michael in his arms to ease his breathing, and I slept 6 hours or more straight at night. By the time he left, I had almost no pain, we took the kids to the zoo since they were better too, and my husband slept for days to get him better as well.

4 days later we had the overflowing toilet incident, so my right arm hurt like all get out from scrubbing the floor with bleach, lifting garbage bags full of wet towels, moving humidifiers and industrial fans around to dry out the drywall where water leaked to the bottom floor, and trying to keep little one from playing in the water. But at least I knew that I would feel better one day...

By the way, when your child says that the toilet isn't working, turn off the water at the toilet instead of assuming that if you can't hear it running, it's not going to run over. The toilet gremlins may actually start it running again and you can't go back to feeding the youngest and deal with the toilet later. Turn off the water first.

Is this off topic enough? Sorry my other post was actually a reply to the original poster, but I've been getting reminded to stay more on topic...

Peggy

[icunurse]

Okay....maybe I'm just tired and not fully appreciating Mo. Moms original post, but it seemed to me that she was asking more about name "titles", not about recognizing the roles people play in a child's life. I have a great open adoption, would easily welcome both bparents in our lives more. But I have the title of "mom", "T" is called by her first name and is recognized/acknowledged as his bmom.

Also, Mo Mom has what, like 30 posts? She readily admits to being new to the process. Everyone needs to give her a break....educate her, but in a constructive way. There are times that I delete my post, worried that it will be taken the wrong way and it will become a slamfest. This is honestly one of the best places I have been to in order to get honest, real-life feedback. I don't know a lot of people who have adopted, so I truly have learned a lot here. But what good is it if people are afraid to ask "newbie" questions or it's always the same people responding with the same remarks? Just my thoughts...

[katieb31323]

I really don't have much to add but want to thank all of those who have offered support to MO. As she has stated, she is new to the process and it is great when we can come together and educate in a supportive way not taking her question on as a personal attack. Chances are, she doesn't even know you, but if she isn't scared off she might! Give her and others the benefit of the doubt and ask yourself, are my words going to help or hurt.

Kathy

[Soon2BMom103]

I'm a new member but have been reading the posts as a guest for a while. I just had to respond to this message. When I first read MO message, I felt a huge relief. Not because I believe her message to be right, but because it was similar to my thoughts and feelings.

Dh and I are considering domestic adoption, and at first we did not like the idea of open adoption or having any involvement from the birth family. Again, we do NOT have anything against birth families, we just thought that the birth mom would try to get involved in our raising our child and how we would try to raise him/her one way and the birth mom would fight us. Well, you get the picture.

Of course, this was quite awhile ago and since then, we have learned ALOT of how wonderful open adoptions can be.

But, my husband and I have read posts on the birth mother forum, which again, scared us to death. People were talking about making threatening phone calls to adoptive parents, "taking" their child back, etc. And comments like the one posted from numbr1dbcksfan does not help. It'm still a bit fearful of the adoption process but my husband will have nothing to do with domestic adoption now that he read some of those posts. :-(

One way I think of it is "Yes, they are the birth mom and dad, and I can only imagine the heart breaking pain they felt when they handed over their baby, but we are the parents." To me, a parent is the one who raises you, guides you, and helps you back up when you fall. The birth mom and dad are not there for those sort of things.

(Ok. let me emphasize that I am NOT saying that adoptive parents are more important than birth parents. I'm just talking about roles).

(Oh, and there are adoptive parents out there that have had their share of pain. Miscarriage after miscarriage, infertility treatments for years before giving birth to a still born baby. That's painful! And I'm NOT saying that it is more painful than what birth mom's go thru. I'm just saying that adoptive parents go thru lots of pain too)

So, ya, I have similiar fears as MO, and I would LOVE to be educated and learn how to change my heart. And maybe I'll rub off on my husband :-).

And please be patient and kind. The majority of the people out there, including us at one point, had no clue how adoption works.

[katieb31323]

and yes people BE KIND!!! This is a real chance to EDUCATE not attack. If the world of adoption is going to improve in a positive way, education has to happen. What kind of teacher were you able to learn from?

Welcome soontobe. I know that when we started on our adoption journey 7 years ago I felt similarly. What choice do you have? It is no secret that our society paints birthparents in a bad light (to put it mildly). So when padoptive parents start the process that is what many know. Once I began the process it was kindly suggested to me to read and educate myself and that I did and still do. As an transracial family I think of myself as an "out loud" adoptive family. And as a result of that opportunities to educate the general public on adoption abound. Some days I do better then others (some days I just want to get my groceries and 3 kiddos home). I have come a long long way in the past 7 years. A long way from wanting to adopt a white baby with a closed adoption. OK, maybe a picture once year or something. Now we have 3 mostly open (I say mostly because distance is a factor). And the only way I came to this was through education. Supportive, not attacking education. After which I formed my own philosophy which hopefully continues to grow and change as I grow and change.

Welcome to the journey!
Kathy

[jewelewis]

I almost posted on another thread a similiar response that Mo has posted here. I had it all written out and deleted it because I was afraid of getting "yelled" at. I am an amom to my beautiful 51/2 month old daughter. I love her bmom. I think that in older adoptions it should be child led on what they call their bparents. I know in my situation and the way I feel is that I am mom,mommy,mamma. Her bmom is "D..." I dont think it is disrespectful of their place in the childs life. I have a step mom and I call her by her first name. My mom is "mom".

nmbr1bcksfan:
I normally like to read your posts and get your insight. I think you jumped to fast on this one. This is a fairly new member and she doesnt know your story or that you are a bmom. Just to come in say that she kicked when you were down probably confused her to what you meant. When she asked if she missed something you just said,"guess you did" She was really wondering what she was missing.

I know that these threads are for all sides of the triad. She did however post on the adoptive parents boards. This is where she sould feel free to ask an honest question without being "yelled" at. Thank you to all who used this to educate. And shame on those who chose to rebuke her for her feelings

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by jewelewis

I know that these threads are for all sides of the triad. She did however post on the adoptive parents boards. This is where she sould feel free to ask an honest question without being "yelled" at. Thank you to all who used this to educate. And shame on those who chose to rebuke her for her feelings

And yet, asking a question should mean that you are prepared to hear all kinds of answers, not just the ones that may validate how you feel. That being said, I don't have an issue with how MOmom feels. Feelings are funny things ... no one should tell you that you're "wrong" to feel a certain way. If you feel that way, you feel that way.
I went back and read my response post. It was a not meant as a rebuke and I hope it wasn't taken as one. I can only respond out of my personal experiences. I have experience on the "birth" side of the triad in 3 quite different instances. I only meant to offer ONE answer to the question asked. By no means is it the "correct" or only answer.

[jewelewis]

I went back and reread your post. It sounded just like you meant it. It didnt rebuke. I wasnt talking about your post necassarly. Some others came off a little harsh I thought. Yours was just your opinion which is what I think she was looking for.

[enchanted]

My brother was placed for adoption by my mother years ago. She had no contact with him and his family, although he DID have contact with my grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. The lack of contact with my mom was HER choice. She did not pick his parents.

He wrote us wanting to meet. My mom decided it was the right time. We flew out to see him. It was like he was a part of our family already. The feelings we got from knowing him, seeing him, it was so powerful. He is my brother, he belongs to this family, just like he belongs to his other family. He has a big family.

In the four years we've known him, he's spent several Christmases here and we talk and email several times monthly. He calls my mom "his mom" or "our mom" to other people and sometimes "mom" and sometimes her name to her face. But sometimes he also calls his amom her first name.

Having more than one mom does not, in my opinion, diminish the role of a mom. The word has different meanings to different people. I think it's more important that the person using it has the right to define what it means to them.

Anyway I shared our story to show that even in closed adoption with no bparent contact, you still can't guarantee the monopoly on the title "mom."

I only call one person mom, but I can't say she's the only one who mothered me. I was mothered by a lot of strong women, mostly my grandmas, but also some close family friends. Who is to say that a birthmom does not also mother?

[paigeturner]

I wasn't planning on jumping into this thread, although I've enjoyed lurking on it, but I just have to now. Jewel, it seems like you were rebuking Christine (nmbr1bcksfan)for her posts early in this thread. If you didn't happen to notice her signature line, her birthdaughter will be five on the 24th. This is a very difficult time for birthparents especially coming on the heals of a difficult holiday season. I won't even try to put words in Christine's mouth, but I will tell you that I have learned so much from her posts. We (bparents) tend to get flamed when we are seemingly insensitive to aparents who have gone through failed placements and rightly so (sometimes). However, I have read posts from Christine reaching out to these aparents. I've never met her, but I admire her and count myself lucky to have gotten to know her through her posts.

Just my thoughts.

Paige

[amom4life]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

Do note that boards are not restricted. You will find all members of the triad on every board.

Best of luck.

The above is a true statement, but that shouldn't mean that adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents should have to feel like we have to walk on egg shells because other triad members are here, and fear to ask our questions because it's going to put someone on the defensive and start yet another war.

Leigh~ I appreciate your input and the wonderful spirit you always put out there. Thank you for trying to make a difference instead of jumping into a state of defensivness and anger.

Mo- mom was sincerely asking questions that were on her heart and mind with no intention of hurting or upsetting anyone. No reason to jump on her, or make cryptic statements like bucksfan did. And then when Mo Mom didn't understand come back at her with a childish statement instead of explaining. You really could have handled that better. I'm sorry you're hurting too, but that's no excuse for the comments made here or the spirit in which they were made.

I hope that this thread can become one that is helpful to the original poster instead of turning into the petty bickering session that seems to be the norm around here these days.

I think it's so sad that so many people from all sides of the triad continue to lurk because they are afraid to ask a question or voice an opinion and expecially if it's not an opinion that is popular here.

I too hope to hear from adoptees on this thread. I appreciate your input, stories, and thoughts.
Judy

[Missourimomtobe]

[quote]I hope that this thread can become one that is helpful to the original poster instead of turning into the petty bickering session that seems to be the norm around here these days.

I think it's so sad that so many people from all sides of the triad continue to lurk because they are afraid to ask a question or voice an opinion and expecially if it's not an opinion that is popular here.[quote]

To all,

This thread has indeed been helpful ... some of you have helped me get a better grasp on why you handle the naming situation in certain ways, others have shown me that there ARE people who can respond to an honest - even potentially disturbing - question with kindness and an attempt to understand my view. I have done my best to respond to other posts in that fashion and will continue to do so.

It is unfortunate that many (even me much of the time) continue to lurk on this board ... I posted my question in the most logical forum possible, and then am told politely that "well, all members of the triad read these forums" ... which says to me that no matter where I go on this board, my honest questioning is not necessarily welcome. I apologized for even posting the original question at the time I posted it and was accused of kicking a birthmother when she was down and being "hurtful" (and no, I DIDN'T get it that she was a birthmom until much later) ...

I thank all of you who took the time to really try to understand my frustrations and question. And no, I do not expect everyone to agree with my opinion or position. I am open to changing my mind - I hope that you are too. No one method, I am learning, is the ONLY way to handle an adoption. For each of you that thinks an extremely open adoption is the only way to go, there is another that doesn't. Just knowing that makes me realize that however my journey ends up, it will be the destination that works best for the child, the birthparents and my husband and I.

Better than a thousand useless words is one word that gives peace.

-Buddha

Namaste,