[overflowing]

I have been shocked lately at some responses I've been over hearing children tell their moms about my kids skin color. The last few times that we've gone out to play other little girls won't play with my 3yr. old daughter (aa/cc). I will hear them tell their moms "I don't want to play with her because she has brown skin" or "I don't like her skin". Of course, their mothers were absolutely horrified that their children said this and apoligized profusely but what should I do? I will tell the other children that my daughter really likes you and she thinks that your skin color is beautiful. My 7yr. (cc) will also pipe in and say "Isn't it neat how God makes each of us different. It would be pretty boring if we all look the same." Last night at the doctors office a little girl told her mom that she "didn't like that baby because his skin is brown". My youngest is 17months old (3/4aa&1/4cc). Man...just stab me in the heart a few times. I feel so helpless because I want to protect my kids....It's not like we live in the sticks...we live in Southern California where there is a large diversity of ethnicities...any advice on how to handle these situations?

[2boyz1girl]

How sad for those other kids to be so closed minded already! I have a friend in the same position as you. Her daughter is aa/cc. Her answer has been to make sure to expose her daughter to just as many aa children as cc. I think that the responses you have been giving are perfect, and it's so great that your 7-yr-old steps up like that. Sadly, that is something that your children may have to learn to live with and seeing you handle it so gracefully will teach them how to handle the situation when you aren't around.

[lovebeingmom2006]

Unfortunatety this is so true. I am aa and have lived with this my whole life. I know you love your children and would like to shelter them ugliness, but this is not possible. They should learn to deal with it now because they are going to face it for the rest of their lives, and prejudice gets worse when your an adult. I am 42 and working in an office where I am the only aa and it is very hard. There is one lady who truly hates me and is doing all she can to get me fired, simply because my skin is brown. Please start teaching them how to deal with it, this will be a great asset in the furture.

[blessedx3]

I was at a park playing with my kids one day when a girl about 7 years old came over by us. She said "my dad doesn't like black people". I was completely shocked. I could tell that this little girl didn't feel the way her dad did. I just said well, that's not very nice. A little later the girl said. I bet those kids won't play with me. I said, my kids would love to play with you. They like everyone. I wanted to walk over to where that girls dad was sitting and tell him to keep his rotten opinions to himself. That was the only situation like that. Most of the time kids will just say, how come you are white and your kids are brown. I respond with, that's the way God made us.

[Linny]

You know...with all due respect, I have a hard time thinking that these children just came up with these comments on their own. I know that you have stated that the mothers were horrified at their comments and aplogized....but is that all they did? I mean, did their mothers talk to them in front of you and explain how lovely and wonderful brown skin is?
Like the song says, "You've got to be taught to be afraid of people who's eyes are oddly made, and people who's skin is a different shade, you've got to be carefully taught!

Our first two babies (now grown) were adopted from Asian countries. I can remember hearing some comments out loud, and some under breath.....but I continue to believe that these children heard some sort of comments----more than once----from other adults before they 'tried those comments on for size', KWIM? Our two youngest babies are AA...and we're hoping to be adopting another AA baby within the coming year. I am prepared for comments....but I have learned over the years, that comments rarely 'just come from children on their own, believe me.
I mean no disrespect to their mothers if they openly talked to them in front of you.....but if not, it would not have been enough for them to merely apologize. A little adult education with everyone present would be more appropriate, in my book.

As far as what you should do? I would bring up the subject next time right in front of the mothers and children. I wouldn't side-step any issues, and bring it right out in the open with discussion about the childrens' comments and ridiculous behaviors; and find out (hopefully) just where their thinking is coming from.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Jensboys]

Linny there was a thread the other day about 3 year olds and their race ideas. It was an AA mom posting that her AA son announced in the middle of walmart that he didnt like the aa woman they were standing besides but he liked the "nice white woman".

It happens - and 3 year olds seem to be at that stage where they notice and comment on differences AND they also seem to become aware of "us and them". I had the opposite problem ... my 3 year old would MUCH rather be "brown". He talks all the time about growing up to be African American.

[redhedded]

Linny, I agree that older kids making such statements are often repeating commentary that they have heard at home; however, I do not necessarily think that is the case with most 3 year olds.

The fact is, this is the age when children begin distinguishing differences independently; though they rarely attach adult judgment and bias. They notice differences and make blanket statements accordingly, as they see the world. In addition, children are simultaneously creating imagination and determining how they fit into the social and familial construct (within the average homogenous, 2 gender family). It is quite common for children this age to identify with a different sex or to take on the traits of animals. In fact, my sister pretended to be a horse for many years, beginning at 2 1/2. She made the appropriate sound, pretended to eat hay and referred to my parents as mama and papa horse.

I believe that providing the positive affirmation of one's identity without making too much out of the expressions of preference or difference is important at this age. Dr. Marguerite Wright, a practicing psychologist for many years in the Bay area, who wrote I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race Conscious World, (not written for adoptive parents but important reading for all parents of all children) emphasizes the importances of not defining or labeling children's expressions in our adult terms with our adult meanings and permitting them the freedom to express and identify in any way that they see fit. She encourages the continuation of providing positive racial, ethnic and cultural identification models with constant verbal affirmation of the real self while realizing that these "preferences" and separations from self are both a normal and passing developmental stage.

Overflowing, Your 7 year old seems to be doing a great job of pointing out the value of our differences encouraging independent thinking in strangers' children. I agree with Emptyarms, your dd will have to be prepared to deal with the insecurity and hate of others; that will come later. For now, she will respond as her sister does - "So sorry if you do not wish to play. We are having lots of fun."

[Support2Adopt]

[quote=overflowing]My 7yr. (cc) will also pipe in and say "Isn't it neat how God makes each of us different. It would be pretty boring if we all look the same. on QUOTE]
How wonderful that your daughter is so enlightened!
As you mentioned, CA is a very diversified state, but sadly, as liberal as Californians are, prejudice still does exist.
I may be off my mark here, but I have to wonder if those kids came up with what they said on their own, or if they are merely repeating things they have been taught behind closed doors.
JJ

[Casey677]

We had a failed adoption in Oct. While we were awaiting his birth, I read "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla". It was an amazing book that described how children of different ages viewed race. It really helped me to better understand. I don't know if you have read it or not, but I thought I would throw it out there.

Casey

[surfmama]

Hi, when my AA daughter, then age 4, was in pre-school, one of the other little girls (CC) refused to play with her. I asked her why and she finally told me that it was because she didn't wash her hands clean! So, the teacher and I took both girls into the bathroom to wash hands and showed her that the brown was not dirt, but her own special color. After that, they became buddies!

[crick]

I think it's very hard for a child to really understand how alike we are when they see an obvious difference. They need to learn that obviously, but when exploring all the differences they are bound to say things and think things that might appear to be rude and yet really they are just trying to understand.

My dd was 5 when she told me "I like M but my other friends don't because she is brown". Had a long talk with her and bought books and tapes etc. to teach her more about diversity and peer pressure. Got her an aa doll and a latino doll to add to her other dolls and we had tea parties. And even then, with her understanding a bit more she still had some confusion. Once we were at the store, and upon seeing an aa woman my dd loudly asked me "was that woman a slave mom?" Sigh...still so much teaching to do.

But I have to add too, that it's not just skin color kids notice. My son saw a very large man in the store and promptly told me "Look! That fat man eats too much sugar, huh mom?"

I get questions/comments from kids all the time because of my hearing impairment. They listen to me talk differently and then ask "why do you talk so funny?" I am not offended at all by this and take the opportunity to explain. Some parents apologize and I always say "hey, they have a natural curiosity and if they don't ask, they won't learn."` Granted, I'm an adult now so can handle this, but it's all those years of growing up with it that have taught me how to do so, along with my parents raising me to believe in myself and made sure I knew how special I was.

Crick

[Linny]

While I am certain that three year olds 'say the darn-dest things' (Art Linkletter, for those of you who are younger)......my point was that I, like 'support2 adopt'......have a hard time thinking that comments said again and again are stictly 'from the mouths of babes'. I've read, I'm chocolate, you're Vanilla'.....it was alright.....but I was going on my own experiences of raising two Asian children from the newborn stage into adulthood while living in various places of the world. I also believe that often, very young children---who have a genuine curiosity---will often make comments that are not cutting or exclusive, but rather in question form. Either opinion, it should be up to the parent of the ignorant child (if you will) to actively speak to the child right then and there.

I continue to stand on the opinion that I believe the mothers of these children could have taken this scenario and turned it into a learning lesson...without 'overflowing' having to educate their children, herself.

As 'support2 adopt' said, "I may be way off the mark here....". Possibly so. But I have seen this happen otherwise.

Sincerely,

Linny

[spaypets]

Not long ago I was at temple with my 3 year old daughter who is from India and is brown (btw, she takes great delight in point out all the other brown things she matches). A little blonde girl said to me, in front of her "Why is she black?"

I replied "She's brown."

The girl, recognizing a nonresponsive answer when she heard one, said, "Why is she brown."

I said, "Why are you pink?" and left her parents to talk about the rest.

It's important to me, living in a community where my dd is often the only child of color, that I emphasize the fact that the default isn't white (as in you only talk about race when it isn't white). I think part of instilling racial/ethic pride is focusing on the fact that majorities are geographically dependent and not superior just because they're the majority-- in most parts of the world I as a white person would be the minority.

I think in the circumstance the op described, where a value judgement was made, I'd say, "Gee that's too bad because she doesn't mind playing with you even though you're pink."

[Jensboys]

On the topic of three year olds saying ANYTHING ... but totally off the original topic, my 3 year old son announced the following VERY loudy in a bank lineup

"My mommy had a penis but it fell off, what happened to yours Grandma"

Now trust me - he NEVER heard that from me! My mother and I tried to climb into the carpet but it didnt work

Saying all that - I think kids are smarter than we assume and even 3 year olds can pick up bias in the media. For example, if someone like themselves (or the child they are playing with) isnt reflected in the world around them - including their playmates, tv shows, books, music etc, they are going to think different=bad.

Raising two cc children in a multiracial family is FASCINATING. My cc kids dont see color/differences as a barrier at all. I see other cc kids staring at my aa boys or making comments to their parents etc ... but my cc kids NEVER even register race as a difference. I wish someone would do a study on that one day ...

Jen

[Dianna]

Once when I was in line somewhere, I don't really remember, one of my kids said "Wow, look at how black that woman is." I said "Yes, Isn't she beautiful!." They said "Yes." And that was it. We often admire the beauty in other people.