[morgan2]

Hi, my husband and I have a potential private adoption situation. We have met with a Potential ** and she has chosen us to be the couple she wants to adopt the baby. The only probem is, the BF has not yet agreed to sign the papers. He cannot financially afford to raise the baby and wanted her to have an adoption. He is extremely angry with her now because she did not have one. This is such an emotionally draining situation. We want to be excited. She mailed us the ultrasound photos yesterday. The baby is 12wks. She is due in July. Please PM or post with any advice and I would love to hear stories from those of you have gone through a private adoption!!
Thanks!

[sadiegirl]

Morgan,
1st of all, it is very rare in most states for the bfather to sign ANYTHING until after the birth.

You also state, "He cannot financially afford to raise the baby and wanted her to have an adoption. He is extremely angry with her now because she did not have one." Do you mean an abortion? B/c that statement doesn't make sense to me!

My advice is to hang in there and to be "cautiously optimistic", 12 weeks is very early to be matched. I know, we were matched with our bmom at 16 weeks and this waiting has been F_O_R_E_V_E_R! And unfortunately, all you can do right now is wait! Wish I could help more. PM me if you want to talk!

[Sylvester]

Sadiegirl, it is not that rare for the bf to sign before birth. In both of our adoptions bf's signed away their rights before birth, it obviously depends on the state you are in.

Has your attorney contacted the bf? That would be the best place to start. I think sometimes the bf's just say things to make the birthmom upset. Although he is a parent to this child, he does have a say it what happens to it. All you can do is go down the legal road and follow the right path. Good luck!

[Binyasa]

I'm in the process of a private adoption. We were just chosen by the expectant mom today and are scrambling to get medical releases and everything in order, as she wants to move up here for the birth and is due in mid Feb! She isn't working with a lawyer or agency, so the total fees should stay under 10K, and she seems really committed to her adoption plan and my lawyer talked with her today and felt she is really sincere. So, while I haven't finished this adoption, we feel cautiously optimistic and hopeful.

Our lawyer also told us about 80% of adoptions in this country are private, non-agency adoptions and that many many potential birthmoms connect with adoptive parents by looking at websites and advertisements online.

Again, our story isn't quite finished yet, but we only decided to adopt in Nov, I put up one ad about us on the net in December, we got at least three leads in as many weeks and we are matched as of this morning. Now we scamble to get everything else in line (homestudy, etc etc).

Good luck to you! I hope everything works out for you with this potential birthmom, and that the birthfather comes around.

Erin

[artchick]

Not to be discouraging, but this is almost the exact situation that happened with us. We were matched actually at about 10 weeks -- same deal with the birthfather. However, in our state the bf can sign before the birth. We developed a close relationship with them. He wanted her to abort but stayed with her when she decided to want to place for adoption. He was never for that, though. In the end, after months of a great rel'ship with her, HE was the one who said that he would not sign. After he saw the sonogram, it totally changed his mind. They are now raising the baby together.

The match was too early for us. She was not grounded enough to really make that decision so early in the pregnancy.

Matches have worked out as early as yours - they are long and difficult, but they do happen. But some don't work out, like ours. Independent is ok, but I would really stress and pay for counseling for her and for him if they will go. If I had it to do over again, I would have made counseling a requirement. You do have some say so in how things go, even if you are the Amom. You can't force them to go, but if they refuse, then you know a little better how willing/unwilling they are to deal with the really tough emotional issues involved.

This is all my humble opinion.

I really do hope this all works out for you.

My bro & sis in law did a very successful independent adoption, so it can work. But they were all 4 in counseling.

Best wishes--
Amy

[morgan2]

Thanks for all of your advice and info. In our state, the BF can sign over his rights immediately. There is not waiting period. I really feel that this is the only major obstacle in this situation. T I feel, is totally committed to this. She had already put herself in couseling before we met with her which I felt very good about because I think that is very important. She already has 2 children, is 38 and single and is not really financially able to raise another child, nor does she want to. I am still very scared and nervous, but I am trying to take one day at a time. The fact that she chose adopt as opposed to the other "A" word, which is what the BF wanted her to do gives me hope.

I know this is going to be a longgggggg road. She sent us the ultrasound pics this week and we are planning a trip up to visit with her soon. Thanks so much, for all of your support!