[hedgie]

My DH and I were matched in Nov. with ** due Dec. 6. She didn't go into labor until Dec.16 - all was well- she was still on board with the adoption... She had called us from the hospital to ask if we wanted him circumsized, for his name- to write on the birth certificate... she was all for it! She was supposed to sign the surrender Dec. 20. On the 19 we were at a family party where everyone was soooooo excited about meeting our Elijah Samuel... in the next couple of days (living in OH- but Eli was born in IL). Well ** changed her mind - our SW called us late on the 19- I was physically sick- my heart was broken. My DH was angry- I didn't feel that (anger) until we recieved a letter from **. She didn't want us to hate her- which i don't/didn't she hoped that she could "one day find love like ours..." she said that it had nothing to do with us- and she was sorry for putting us through this- and I appreciated all of that- that was her right- we knew it from the begining (oh, but how knowing and experiencing are different!). I knew I had to respect her decision, but what made me angry was that **'s mom (She was 18) was the one who talked her into keeping her baby- she told her that giving her baby up for adoption was "taking the easy way out"... Even writing that, seeing it again- ticks me off!
Anyway- my DH and I have come to terms with the fact that Eli will not be coming home (at least to our house). We mourned over Christmas- yet were blessed to have family around...
Now here is my deliema- we still want to adopt- more than ever... We recently moved (prior to the adoption) back near family- I've started a new job and life is settling into place- I feel like we need to get moving on the process again-... I assume we will need a new homestudy done (since we've moved) and we need to 'start the whole process' again- since our agency was located in IL (LSSI).
So my question is- for any of you who have failed placements- did you switch agency's? Did you dust yourselves off and dive right back in again? Did you go a different route? (Domestic vs. International, race, age, etc.) I would love any/all information you would be willing to share with us- along with any experiences!
Thank you for reading this- our hearts are healing- but my arms still long to hold 'our baby'...
Jenn.

[cathy102]

I have never been in your shoes but I would say if my kids birthparents decided to parent, I would of got right back in the waiting game. I know how long I have wanted to be a mom and I wouldn't want to waste any time. I would of just jumped right back on board to wait to be matched again.

I am sorry that the Adoption didn't work out. We have to remember how hard it is in the first place for birthparents to even place a child. I hope that things will go well for you and your hubby. Don't give up on your dreams to be a parent. It will happen at the perfect timing...

Hugs and prayers going your way,

Cathy

[sinesadopt]

Jenn,

My husband and I had a failed adoption. The baby was born in October of 2000. At the time we lived in North Carolina and the birthmother lived in New York. We had drove to New York prior to the baby's due date and settled into an extended stay hotel. The baby was born on Thursday and discharged from the hospital on Monday. She went the hotel with us. We saw the birthparents every day and every day they would tell us that they were going to call the lawyer to sign the papers. They never did. After a week we told our agency that they had to make a decision or we had to back away, as hard as it was. We had been in New York for three weeks and my husband was very sick with pneumonia and not getting any better and we needed to move things along so we could go home. That evening the birthparents came to our room and told us that they had decided "to try to raise her" themselves. It was like my heart had been torn out of my chest. To rub salt in the wound a little bit more they told us "we trust her with you so we will give you time to say goodbye". We scheduled a time for them to come back to pick her up and they were 45 minutes late coming back. We drove home the very next day. We still had the nursey set up and just threw everything in the room and shut the door. The next two weeks I spent trying to stay strong for my husband so that I could help him get better. He ended up being put in the hospital and three days later had surgery and I wasn't sure if he was going to make it. It was like I was going to lose my whole life in a matter of three weeks time. The surgery was a great success and he immediately started feeling better. He was in the hospital for 17 days and it wasn't until after he came home and started recovering that it all kind of hit me. After the first of the year we met with the counselor at our agency started working through the anger and grief that we were feeling. Because our match was an acquaintance we hadn't had to go through the entire "approval" process of our agency and had never finished our Dear Birthmother letter and had to do that. We went back and forth with the agency on that and in May we were finally able to have our letter circulated to birthmothers. That summer we hadn't received any calls and we started thinking about trying infertility treatments. We ended up doing four cycles with no success and then we started talking about changing to international. We then decided to just open up our preferences and did that in December. One month later we heard from our agency about a birthmother and they wanted to k now if we were interested in having our letter sent to her. We told them yes. The very next night we heard from her and 8 weeks later we flew to California and saw our son when he was 30 hours old on March 1, 2002.

I know this is a very difficult time, but the best advice that I can give you is to grieve for this baby and know that your baby is out there somewhere. I would be glad to lend a listening "ear" if you need someone to vent to. I know how hard it is to be around people who do not really understand. The whole time my husband was sick and we were trying to determine what was wrong and prepare for his surgery my dad kept saying things like if they change their mind we will go get the baby for you, and I hope they change their mind and on and on. I finally had to yell at him to stop. That I could not take the baby any more and that the most important thing to me was getting my husband well. I know now that he was trying to be helpful, but the more he was trying to help the more it hurt, because there was no changing things.

I wish you and your husband the best.

Cassandra

[icunurse]

First of all, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I think that it was nice of the mother to care enoygh about you to write a note, but I agree with you that placing a child for adoption is definitely not the easy way out. Hopefully, things will work out well for the mother and baby.
We had a failed adoption last Oct. We were fortunate, in our minds, that from the time we were chosen to the due date was only a couple of weeks and we never met the mother, so we dreamed of the baby, but didn't have too much time or energy put into building a relationship. There were also a few "red flags", so we felt that it was more likely to NOT work than to have a placement. Even though we were prepared for a change of heart, it still hurts a lot. Our SW called me at home one day to let us know that the mother hadn't delivered yet, but had changed her mind. While we were upset, we also knew that it would probably take a little while anyway before we received another call, so we jumped back in.
Don't give up. While your hearts may not be fully into the process right now (and I don't think anyone ever wants more paperwork to do), check into seeing what you have to do to get started again and take the process at your pace. You may find that in another week or another month you are "ready" and you will have the info at your fingertips to begin again (and it might not be as much work as you think). Take care and know that it *will* work for you.

[mmdd2b]

Hello,
I just thought I would reply to your thread. I just recently went thru an ordeal for six months w/pbmom and ended up with a failded adoption. I won't go into the details cause I know how it feels. My DH and I are still grieving for the loss of a baby we never met but helped bring into the world by food, shelter, etc for the pbmom. It has only been a couple of months and it is still hard but we are okay. We accept her for what she is willing to sacrifice for this child for the rest of her life on her own. I actually had a chance to speak with her last week. I know she knows she can't turn back now and has to go full throttle to make the best for this little one. I know she will. (BTW that was the hardest phone call in my life, but I was a champ)

Sorry, to ramble. Keep the faith, we are. It is hard but worth it. DH and I have learned so much from this that we know it wasn't our child. We are keeping ourselves real busy. We live in CA and are using an attorney (the same one since Aug 03, it is cheaper than starting over). In CA, you don't have to do a HS until after the baby is in your home. Well, that is what we had planned. Now, in the last two months, I have a completed HS (didn't want anything holding me back for our next match, hopefully a fast one). We are also trying some infertility stuff, just not sure if it will take.

There is not a day I don't think about this pbmom/pbaby. One day, I know I will be looking at our next miracle of joy and think "What pbaby? This is my real baby!THIS WAS ALL WORTH IT!".

I hope I helped. You can PM me if you want. I am here for ya and know how it still hurts.

Kristy

[Big Dreamer]

Hi,

My husband and I endured a couple of failed adoptions and a re-claim. After the re-claim I was devastated. Baby M was taken from our home Dec 23, four years a go so life was pretty tough for awhile. We grieved for each of the children who could have been.

In baby Ms case it took me two years to get back on the wagon and I am soooo glad that I did.

I continued to yearn and dream of having a baby and a wonderful relationship with a bmom who would allow us to go through the pregnancy with her.

We posted on Adoption.com and within 24 hours we were matched with our daughters bmother.

We went through the entire pregnancy. I was even the first to hold our daughter. And I must say that once you hold that little person and know that he/she is your forever child the journey will make sense.

Our relationship with H is everything I ever dreamed of and our darling daughter is 21 months old.

Though it was painful I learned alot along the way and cherish every moment even more than I ever imagined.

Take time to heal and follow your heart.

I am here if you want to PM me or talk.

Maria

[Leigh131313]

We had two failed matches...I say jump right back in the deep end!!
Those arms wont be filled unless you do Good Luck!
Leigh

[artchick]

Hi Jenn--
I am so sorry for your loss. This is an incredibly difficult situation that takes some time to work through. The sadness and the anger are all just parts of it and you may even go back and forth between them with no rhyme or reason why.

We, too, had a failed match. We were due in Nov. but had been matched in May. We developed a very personal rel'ship with the bmom, going with her to every appt. and were there for the sonograms. It seemed like a dream come true. We knew that we were matched very early in the pregnancy and that it was risky and tried to guard our hearts, but the longer the rel'ship lasted, the more reassuring the bmom was about placing with us. She sent me an e-mail and told me how blessed she was by having us in her life.

In Aug., just a day after she sent me that e-mail, the bfather told us that he was not going to sign the papers to terminate his parental rights. We were devastated. We had heard that his parents were really behind this decision and still think that probably that is the case. The bmom said there was nothing she could do -- she was still together with him.

We grieved our loss and tried to move on. However, it was really hard for us to move on until after the due date for the baby. We also had to go back and to our "dear birthparent" letter because we had not done all that. We had been headed for international adoption before this particular baby came our way. I had thought that if this did not work out, we would just go right back to where we were. Then I found that I really wanted to do domestic, so we started basically from scratch.

I would love to tell you that we now have a baby but we are still waiting for a match. We discussed international again last week because there is (somewhat) more predictability with the end result of getting a baby. As you know there are pros and cons to either dom. or int. -- tradeoffs, if you will. For us, we just had to decide what our priorties are, so we're still waiting for a match but are very much in the game again. It's such a personal decision when and how to get back in.

As far as the move and your agency -- you may have already done this -- have you contacted them about working with you from your new address? You may just have to get an updated homestudy rather than a brand new one. This should be cheaper. I'm not an expert, though, and am just guessing.

Wishes of comfort for you as you move through this process and try to navigate when/how to get back in.

Amy

[Support2Adopt]

My heart goes out to you.
In our case, after our failed adoption, we jumped right back on the bandwagon. Six weeks later, we brought home our third baby.
I don't know if you will need to start all over again. That would depend on the laws of your state along with adoption agency policies.
Sending you hugs and best wishes.
JJ

[looking2adopt1]

I know it's not easy but I say keep trudging along....

We were matched with a young woman last year who I adored. We talked on the phone, emailed daily, and I thought it couldn't get any better. Right as the baby was due the match fell through. She said she couldn't do it. It hurt much worse than I ever imagined. I thought I wouldn't get through it. I hid from friends and family for a few days. I told our counselor at the agency that we would definatley be open to any situations that came along. I thought there was no sense us not jumping right back in.

Less than a week later the agency called me. We were matched again. We spoke to her a couple days later and we were thrilled!!! I liked the other pbmom a lot and thought I would not be able to have that again...was I wrong. The new pbmom was superb! Our baby boy is now home and growing so big. I still think about our failed match and what was to be our little girl, but when I do, I look over at my son and know it was meant to be. I adore our bmom and we had a great relationship the rest of her pregnancy and in the hospital. She is someone who I really admire. Even though we talked almost daily for the remainder of her pregnancy, now that the baby is here, she wishes for little contact. I hope that one day we can have a more open relationship and speak to her more often but this is the way she wants it to be. I'm sure this is her way of dealing with it. Our door will always be open for her.

So, I'm here to say that you can grieve for this child while still waiting on the list. It is possible to do both and it just means that you are that much closer to finding your baby. Good luck and I know it is hard, but you will get through it. My prayers are with you.

A while ago I saw someone who had a quote in their signature line....it said something like this "My friend says everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end." I've always thought of that line and I find it to be true.

[hedgie]

Thank you guys for everything that you've said-
As sad as it is- it's nice to have people to relate to about this.
I was surprised at how many people after or failed placement were scared to bring their children around... Especially since it was Christmas- my two cousins (one has two children, the other has one) both didn't know if they should come for Christmas because they didn't know if we could 'handle' it. And even though I knew that they were thinking of me- I wanted to be over this so people didn't have to feel like they couldn't bring their children around... I cried after Christmas- but not because I played with 'their' kids- I cried because I was sad that we didn't have a child of our own.
Our agency sent us the 'closed file' paper to sign- but said that they would pass on all information to whomever we hook up with in OH. So i'm hoping that means we just need and updated homestudy... Though first we really need to find a home here in OH (were living at a temporary address)...
But Thank You guys for all your support and stories- it helps, it really does!
To be honest- I couldn't even come back to this sight right away- it hurt too bad- but I really do feel like we're getting stronger- (we were just emailed about a Mexico adoption program, where we could adopt a newborn/infant...) so we may look in that direction...
Thanks for the prayers, once again...
Jenn.

[SViet10]

My heart goes out to you - my husband and I had THREE failed adoptions until we recently got our son and our finalization date is Jan 26 - it took us two long years and while going through it I would always hear "be patient, it will happen and you will know!" but that doesn't ever take away the pain that you are going through right now!!!!
Our first, the bmom changed her mind a week before the baby was due - after we supported her for 3 months! The second - the boy was already born, after we made flight arrangements to fly to FL to get him, the bmom never showed up to sign the papers! The third (the hardest) we worked with for 3 months in CO and I was present when she was born - we named her and we took her back to the hotel! Then the call came two days later that bmom had changed her mind!!! Back to the hospital we went to give her back - I still think of her often and even though you are angry, when you FINALLY - and you will if you stick with it - get the BABY MEANT TO BE YOURS - the pain of the others will lessen - it will NEVER GO AWAY - but try to hang tough and jump right back in - never give up - thank GOD for my strong husband - when I wanted to quit after 8 years of trying to have children, he was strong and supportive and we will go on Wed, Jan 26th to finalize Owen (for "Oh when" can we bring him home) and we can't be happier!!!! - in the meantime, I will continue praying for you and your husband but take it from one who has been there, IT WILL HAPPEN!!!! Hang in there!

[amom4life]

Hi Hedgie,
'm sorry for your pain and can relate so well to your anger at the bgrandparent. We had two failed adoptions and both were because of guilt and manipulation poured on by the bgrandparents. The first because the baby turned out to be a boy instead of a girl so bgrandparents wanted her to keep him. If the baby would have been a girl they wanted her to follow through. Pretty sick thinking.

With the second as with the first the expectant mother was living with her parents and had no where else to go and her mom told her not to come home uness it was with the baby. Both Expectant mothers were adament that adoption was best for their babies until bgrandparentd used these tactics on them. It is so selfish and wrong of them to do that.

There was never any queston with us...we dove right back in! We knew that those two babies were not meant to be ours. We knew that ours was still ot there and we didn't want to waste time we wanted to find him/her. Almost exactly one month later we brought our beautiful son home. He turns a year this month!!
Prayers being sent for you!
Judy

[hedgie]

We are getting better day by day... I'm looking into adoption in OH now... Actually I met some people in our new church who have adopted (and had 2 failed placements) and are willing to meet with us and discuss their agency and how they worked thru the failed placement! Which is great!
But my question is- people seem nervous to bring their children around me (us)... How do I let them know that I want to share in their joy...That I appreciate that they care and are aware of our situation- but don't hide your kids from me... (I'm not going to break- at least not yet! )
example: I work for a church, I was asked to do the childrens sermon awhile back for this Sunday- but people kept coming up to me today and apologizing for me having to do the childrens sermon... I want them to know I'm not mad at them, or I don't want bad things to happen to them since they have children- actually just the opposite, I want to play with their children, hear them laugh and know that one day I will have that in my own home...
Were you avoided by people with children after your failed placement?
I'm just curious-
thanks, Jenn.

[Support2Adopt]

I think people are just trying to be sensitive to your needs.
People handle failed adoptions in many different ways. I've seen people who hope right back on the band wagon. I have seen others who are suicidal.
I would suggest, since you seem so open, to just let people know it's OK to talk to you about things.
If you are doing a sermon, you might want to do one on how God's timing is never wrong and when you are matched with the baby you are meant to be with, then it will happen. :-)
JJ