[Happy2Bhere]

HI!
Our daughters birthmom asked me a question yesterday during our visit, and I wanted to ask what others felt the answer is.
To make a long story short- we adopted our daughter when she was 7 1/2 weeks old. We've had several visits with her birthmom, none further than 3 months apart.
Yesterday, she asked me if I thought Annabelle knew who she was. She said it with tears in her eyes, and I know she was thinking she didn't. (She had a short nap, a cold coming on, Christmas break, been spending 24/7 just playing with her- so she was a momma's girl more than normal)
I guess I saw the hurt in her eyes, and said "Of course she knows who you are!" Then we all hugged, and no more was said.
I was saddened by her hurt, and I mentioned the conversation to my husband, and he said no way would she, at 14 months, know someone she has spent 3 hours with every 6 weeks.
Just curious what other people think about my response, or the actual question, and honestly what the answer is?
They look exactly alike- like looking in a mirror- its so adorable!
Ok, thanks in advance-
Melissa

[michellemartin]

I dont think she does. I think when she's older she will realize how important her bmom is to her, but at this time, I dont think she even has a clue about it. I think in the future she will gather the full impact of the relationship and having her bmom there while she's little will make a world of difference then. Appreciating her presence at a later date I suppose. In your place I probably would have said the same thing. And I may be wrong, your child may recognize her bmom. I've heard that as they get bigger it hits more that they dont yet understand who bmom is and everything adoption related. We (bmoms) live in a bit of a limbo during the time from when they start recognizing people to when the realization hits of who we are. Limbo is hard.

[cathy102]

I don't know if she would actually know at 14 months, but I can tell you that my daughter is a little over 2 and she knows I didn't give birth to her and she knows she was in T's Belly. She calls her momma T belly. It sounds like your daughter has a wonderful birthmom...I'm sure I wasn't any help but just wanted to respond...

Hugs,

Cathy

[lisa in venice]

I think babies remember people. My dd spent several weeks in foster home and when she was two we were looking at a video made at the F/H and she clearly remembered her fm's voice. It may not be a conscious memory but it is there.

lisa

[tobeafamily]

I don't think she 'remembers' in a cognitve way - like we remember dates, times, events. I think she will always remember in an emotional way. She may not always be able to verbalize it, nor may she be able to articulate well either, at least not until she's older and better able to self-reflect.

IMHO

Regina

[icunurse]

I honestly believe that our son recognizes his bmom and always has. Does he know right now her significance or role in his life? No. But I truly believe that he knows she's somebody, an important somebody, not just a new person. Every time she has seen him, even on his really bad days, he calms down very quickly in her arms and gets very focused on her. Babies know sounds and scents of their moms at birth, so if the connection is never completely lost, who's to say that a child doesn't always "know" his bmom on some level.

[Jensboys]

My bio son saw my sister every two months from the age of newborn until he was two - not only did he remember her (I mean at 6 months in the middle of an airport FULL of people he absolutely lit up when he saw her) he PREFERRED her. Now, her infant son (age 6 months) plays horrible strange with everyone, except me and my grandmother. Who knows why ... maybe we look similar to each other?

I think that at least subconsciously her voice and smell would be familiar and she would recognize those things. Now recognizing them and preferring them to mommy - well thats a tough one for a 14 month old - especially with all those factors that you mentioned.

[Maria K]

She most definatly recognises her.... little children smile when they see their mother's face and newborns are known to react to their parent's voice. No, I'm sure she doesn't understand the complexities of the relationship. But I am sure she knows a familiar face when she sees her.
- Maria K

[lovebeingmom2006]

I think I would have to agree with your husband, but I think you deserve a pat on the back for telling the birthmom that she does know who she is. I'm sure that meant a lot to her.

God Bless!!!

[Happy2Bhere]

Thanks everyone.
I always know I can count on "the gang" to help me out with questions.
I never want to lie to her birthmom, but I also never want to hurt her feelings.
Thanks again!
Melissa
(PS Posting one Christmas present picture)

[2boyz1girl]

Just wanted to add my thoughts. I think that our children might sense that there is something familiar about their birthparents, but I don't believe that they will fully know who they are or understand their significance until they are old enough to understand reproduction and genetics. I think that understanding that they didn't grow in our tummies is a big part, but just the first part of it and that it may take several more years for them to understand the biological tie. Dh adopted my 8-yr-old when he was four. He knows that he had a different father (no contact since he was 3), but even he doesn't fully understand what that means for him. We are in an open adoption with our 2-yr-old's birthfather, and although she seems fond of him, I don't believe that she knows that he has a more significant part in her life than any other friend or relative who comes to visit. At this point, I don't believe that the title of "birthfather" means anything more to her than the title of "uncle" or "cousin", it's just a title. But one day it will, and when she looks back on her early childhood and remembers him being a part of it, it will be significant to her. However, I think that in your situation I probably would have said the same thing.

[spaypets]

I think that your DD probably recognizes her bmom--but one way to help that recognition along is to put her photo on the fridge (along with grandparents, cousins and anyone one else that you want her to remember).

That's what we did with our DD so she would recognize her granparents who live far away (we also video taped them reading her stories).

[Volfe]

You know, I've wondered about that during my visits...
And in the early months, I'd say she recognized me by my voice (she often would look at me when I spoke as if enthralled).

But now, at 13 months when I saw her last her recognition was visual but not maternally oriented. She definately recognized my camera (a 70s era slr) and is often laughing and/ or smiling for the first round of pics. She always is enthralled by my youngest, who kissed her and talked to her in utero. She will watch everything her sister does and when they play... she will watch her sister play and she always laughs at her... caitlin can always make her laugh. Ariel has always held her the most and only on really fussy days will she object to that constant attention.
Overall, I feel that the recognition is not like that of a caregiver...
but nor are we strangers. She recognizes the roles I've just described, but changing them would cause her stress (like if I were to babysit w/o the sisters... oy!). Make sense?
That is my take on it all

Maia

[3inCO]

my 2 1/2 year old daughter talks about her birthmom and certainly knows her when we see her. We have had visits about 3 mo. apart since she was born. We also have pictures of her b-mom and of her with her b-mom from infancy forward for her to look at. When she went through the big stranger anxiety at about 18 mo. I know this hurt "N" becasue she wanted nothing to do with her, and even now, she is excited when we see her but she reacts to her b-mom almost identical to the way she acts with my niece (her cousin) They are about the same age, dress similarly and interact with her in a similar way. My daughter knows her cousin well, she babysits a lot, so I think this helps ease the way with B-mom. I would never tell her this though as I'm sure she would feel sad. I know some day they will have a special realtionship, but many times A simply ignores her b-mom when she is around right now. I'm sure that must hurt.

Becky