[echaos]

Originally Posted by lainie_lainie

I have been trying since last night to post my question with no luck, so I am putting it here. Please forgive me.
I have a question. We just had a failed relative adoption last week. We want to give back as many of the baby shower gifts as possible. Is this appropriate? We feel it would help us to grieve and gain some closure. We were wondering how others in this situation have handled this. We do not plan on trying to adopt anytime soon. Maybe in a few years. We were doing this for a close relative, so we do not wish to keep any of the gifts.

Lainie_lainie is having tech. difficulties, so I'm posting on her behalf.

[BrandyHagz]

A lot is going to depend on the relationship you have with the family member. Has the failed placement caused a lot of grief within the family?

You might consider calling her and asking her if she can use any of the items…if she declines, then you might consider donating them to your local Crisis Pregnancy Center or Adoption Agency…they’ve always got clients who can use them

I personally don't see anything wrong with asking her if she would be able to use them…

[tb1braswell]

Lainie,
Why not send them with the baby, afterall, weren't they really for the child anyway? I'm sure the gift givers would be pleased to know that the items they sent for the baby are being put to good use.

Also, I hope this doesn't put you off of adoption and that you will try again.

Best of luck to you.

Theresa

[tobeafamily]

If you can't return to the giver, my suggestion would be to donate to a local family shelter or crisis pregnancy center. You may even wish to ask those who gave you gifts which they'd prefer - donation or return to them.

So very sorry for your pain.

Regina

[.xXTammyXx.]

Sorry to hear your sad news Lainie...

I agree with everyone in sending them with the baby but calling first to be sure they are wanted & needed. Hopefully that will lift your spirits as well.

If you feel you can't do them then definetly donate to a local Adoption Agency or Clinic.. I'm sure they would be greatly appreciated!

Best wishes to you!
~Tammy

[rights]

You could always ask the sender what they would like for you to do with the gift. I don't know if they are as close to the bmom as they are to you. I would try to return them if possible because someday you will probaly be needing another baby shower. I am sorry about the loss of your child.

[lainie_lainie]

Thank you all for the responses. We can't send them with the child because this has caused a lot of turmoil in the entire family. My husband is currently not even speaking to his mom or his sister (the birthmother) because of the way everything was handled. My husband and I were ingored over xmas because we wanted some kind of reason. We wondered if we had done something wrong. The birthmother is the one who approached us about the adoption. We were trying to help her out of a difficult situation so we are upset. My side of the family and our friends gave us the gifts and they are not very happy either. I think we will try to give them back to the giver, but I just didn't know if it would be considered rude.

[tobeafamily]

Lainie,

Sorry to hear of your turmoil and I hope that peace finds you all soon.

It's not considered rude, in fact it's gracious to offer to return. The gifts are actually for you to help you as a parent, not just for the child. They're similar to bridal shower gifts. If your fiancee' ran off with someone else, no one would expect you to send the shower gifts off to her, right?

Since this could be awkward for your F & F, you might ask them if they'd rather you return the gift or donate it, just because some might find it harder to 'take the gift back' than to have you give it to a charity.

Just a thought.

Regina

[Shells90]

I suffered the same exact loss last March and I can completely understand any animosity you may feel. Our situation was my sister and we invested money and so much time to find in the end that she had lied about so much (the father's location, knowing etc) that it was a betrayal (she asked us to adopt and she already has one child who is neglected and the whole family was behind it) After we drove 600 miles we got the call on our cell phone that she was keeping the baby and we turned around and went home traveling over 1000 miles in one day it was so hard to drive while trying to hold back the tears and anger my mother did not even call until 5 days later to see how we were.

The worst is the feeling of being disreagarded for all we did while your family tiptoes around the new mother becasue you have to be happy for the baby. The problem isn't with the mother keeping the child it is the feeling of being dismissed and used and left with nothing after having contributed and provided everything up to the birth. If you would like to pm me I am here I haven't talked about it with anyone the returning home was hard I had to cancel the baby shower explain to everyone (everyone from your bank, your job to your doctor knows because of the homestudy) which I felt humiliation that it was my sister who had done this (and yes she did do more than just decide to keep the baby she lied throughout the whole process to keep us involved when if the truth had been aknowledged we would not have spent so much money and time but that was the whole point of the lies, it was keeping us as an option). There was no one home to put away all of the baby things either and so that was a task I had to do alone. We have since had one other adoption placement not happen yet the pain is so much less when your own family is not involved so I truly empathise with your situation and plead that you do not feel ashamed of any feelings of resentment because it is natural.

I hope I do not get bombarded from those who feel I am to angry I do not have the ambition or time to write out the whole situation and why we were betrayed yet only can say all of the concern is on the mother with nothing left over for the couple whose lives were also changed forever.

Michelle