[mom2GRLC]

Our little girl is now legally free for adoption as of today...christmas day...and we will be going to court very soon to make things final. We are adopting through fostercare...and we have talked with the bmom about keeping in contact with some visits and picturtes etc. But we never went into great deal of how often or boundaries or that sort of thing.

Our little girl is almost 3. She was talking about her bmom non stop the last 2 days. She has had a very confusing last 6 months. Back in September we prepared her to go home to her bmom...packed all her stuff up with her and everything...things didn't work out and the bmom decided to sign over her rights...then the bdad signed over his rights. We've tried to tell her that things had changed and she wasn't going to live with momma M. That she was going to be ours and we were going to adopt her. We've had her almost 2 years in our home so she knows us as Mom & Dad...but she was also told by momma M....during weekend visits that that was her home and she was her mommy. So things have been very confusing for her.

Anyways, the last couple days as we are getting ready for christmas, and also excited that this is our first real christmas as a family with all of our 3 adopted or soon to be adopted children...things were supposed to be about us and our new family.

The last two days...our little girl has been constantly talking about her momma M and how she is going to her house. I kept trying to tell her that mommma M still loves her but now she will be in our family forever and she isn't going to her house anymore. She likes to argue with me and be difficult and choose this subject to arguse about....When I would say...I'm your mommy...she would say...no momma M is my mommy. I know part of her is just a little confused, but my main problem with it was that she was just trying to be difficult and disagree with everything I said.

I know it shouldn't hurt my feelings but it does. She has always felt like my baby and I have been her mommy for almost 2 years now....it has only really been a 2 month period this year where she has either went to momma M's house for a day visit of for a weekend visit...and that stoped at the end of September and momma M has only seen her once since then...and had one visit where we waited an hour for her and she didn't show up...but she has talked to her on the phone twice since Sept.

How can I deal with my feeling of jealousy...so I can keep an semi-open relationship between momma M and our little girl. When she was acting like that..these last two days...it made me think of what the judge said "You can try and keep an open adoption with her mother....but she is young enough where she could just forget about this whole mess and live a normal life...usually people start up trying to keep some openness but things always get in the way and it doesn't usually work."

We kinda jumped into the idea of keeping things kinda open without really thinking of what that means...we never promised anything and never really set any real idea of what kind of openness we want.

What are your thoughts? What would you suggest?

[wanttobeparents]

As young as your daughter is, don't argue about whether or not Momma M is her mommy. Since she went through a rough transition in September, thinking that Momma M was going to be her forever mommy, and then being told that she was going to stay a part of your family, she needs time to adjust. I know that it hurts you to hear it, but try to keep calm about it. If she sees that it bothers you, she may try to use it to upset you. Time will ease her hurt and yours.

I wish I could help with the openness dilemma, but I don't know what to tell you there.

Peggy

[tobeafamily]

First of all, the Judge is wrong. It DOES matter that you keep ties with her birth family and she will thank you for it later. Open adoption does work and it is 'normal'. It takes commitment, a bit of patience and time. In the end, your child will have access to the same information about herself that you do - her genealogical, emotional, medical, social and physical self. She just has it with two families not one.

As to her grief, that's what it is. She understands something is 'ending' and is grieving for it. Her emotional and language development are not 'old' enough for her to cope other ways. I'm not an expert on adoption of the older child. There's a board dedicated that, maybe you can post there for help too? My only advice to you is to recognize in your mind when she says "You're not my Mom" is that in your mind hear it as "I'm sad that my first mom failed me." Be secure in that she's not rejecting you, she's just sad and confused b/c on some level she does understand what's going on and she will remember.

HTH, sorry I can't help more.

Regina

[Happy2Bhere]

Sounds like a typical 3 year old to me :-)

About the feelings of jealousy- you are her mom, have been for two years, and will be for the rest of her life.

Without her birthmom, she wouldn't be there with you, so for that, you can always be thankful, and hopefully that will override the jealousy issues.

Sounds like your daughter has been through alot lately. Luckily, she has you, and you can help guide her through it.

Best wishes & congrats on the upcoming finalization!

Melissa

[MissyB9479]

I want to agree with tobeafamily. You child isn't rejecting you (although it feels that way) but trying to explain her feelings of sadness that she isn't able to be with her first mother. Not because she doesn't love you but beacuase she is feeling sad about the end of a relationship and scared that since this happened once it could happen again. When she says Mommy M is her mother explain, "She is, she's your __________(birthmother, first mother, biological mother, or whatever term you want to use) and I'm your ________( again whatever term you are using like forever mommy)." This may lead to a discussion about the different types of families and how they are formed.

I also want to support the idea of open adoption in your case. Your daughter clearly has memories of her birthmother and openess will help her fill in the blanks about that relationship. Children need to be told the truth about things because they tend to fill in blanks by blaming it on themselves. If she doesn't know why Mommy M isn't able to raise her (at an age appropriate level) she will fill it in with thoughts that maybe she was a bad girl or unloveable. I am not an adoptee, and hopefully some will come into this thread and talk about their own feelings, but I am a child of divorce and I really took all the responsibility onto myself. It's a terrible feeling but only honesty can correct it.

Good luck and I hope you all had a great Christmas as a family.

[Lorraine123]

The judge was wrong to say something like that. Your daughter will never forget nor should she. Her history is part of her and will always be a part of her. In the same way, her birthmom is a part of her and will always be.

Realize, your daugher isn't mad at you. She is grieving. She has to be allowed to grieve and then move on. She is grieving what every person is entitled to. We are entitled to a birthmom who loves us.

As hard as it is, you can almost be relieved that your daughter is vocalziing her grief. She is using you as a sounding board because you are safe. I know thats hard.

I agree with Missy's response. When my daughter says I am not her mom, I come back with "I'm not your first mom, but I am your forever mom."

[crick]

jessicagarner -

It is very hard to hear from your daughter "you aren't my mommy". I know it can just rip you apart after everything you go through to be a family. And I know this from personal experience with my own daughter who is now 6. It's completely natural for us to be hurt and deal with those "am I always going to be 2nd best?" type of feelings and everything else that comes with being the parent of an older child with a past and feelings for their bparents.

All I can really tell you is be there 100% for your daughter. Grieve with her in her loss and help her by giving her all the time she needs to deal with the confusion, her anger, and allow her to talk about whatever it is she needs to discuss. Being only 3, she's not articulate enough yet to put everything into words and it's difficult for her to sort out everything in her mind. And yet, in her own way, she is dealing with all the changes, her losses and confusion. It's going to take time for her to reconcile these feelings and needs you, her mom, to be there with her every step of the way; no matter how hard it is for you to hear some things she might say or see things she might do. Don't let her push you away but love her all the more.

I remember once when my daughter told me "I like you now but I still love mommy L more and wish I could live with her." I was floored at the moment (happened about 2 years after the adoption) and just said something like "you'll always love mommy L and that's okay." Later that day I went up to my room and had a good cry and little pity party for myself. And yet, after I dried my tears, I realized that I had even more tears for my daughter. It hurt me so much to fully realize how much grief she had and how in the world could I help her?
I also later realized (after posting here) that it was a big step in our relationship together as she felt safe enough and trusted me enough to share her feelings with me. Can't imagine how hard it was for her to say to me "I still love my other mom better" not knowing how I would react to that, if she would get in trouble etc. And I realized then, that I'm not 2nd best, that she does love me and her grief for her past and bmom had nothing to do with me. It's her loss and all I can do is be there for her, reassure her and be the best mom that I know how to be. And part of that means sharing her with another woman whom I've never met and allowing this woman to continue to be a part of our lives through my daughter's memories and dreams.

As for the open contact...I would shelve it for now, but revisit it later. My reason for this is right now your daughter needs to grieve and accept her loss, bond even more with you and allow time for the confusion to settle. At her age, she won't understand that a visit with her bmom is just that...a visit. In her mind, it confuses her into thinking "I'm going back to bmom". Do continue to talk about her bmom and either through counselling or other means, help her deal with all she's going through, and also accept you as her forever mom. I would though keep some form of contact open with her bmom, through pictures and updates. And later, when your daughter is ready, maybe a visit will be a great thing for her.

Crick

[Jensboys]

When our son was 3 years old he also went through that phase (and our son at 4 as well). What was very helpful for our boys was to hear it FROM the mommy in question that they are going to stay where they are. Our boys too had been prepared to return to birthparents and of course, suddenly (to kids anyway) got us (new mom and new dad). What we did, and you may consider, is having birthmom address that to your daughter directly. Either in person (probably best) or over the phone or in a letter form (also good so that you can go back and read it over and over again).

I would talk with birthmom and explain that your daughter may need permission from birthmom to fully relax in her new family. I think that most birthmoms would be willing to do that for the sake of their child. Even our boys birthmom (and foster mom) wrote a letter to them saying how sad she was that she couldnt be their mommy anymore but how happy she was that they have a mom who loves them so much.

There are also some story books that address that subject ... and they are great

[mom2GRLC]

thank you for your comments.

Not long after i wrote that e-mail her birthmom called and asked to talk to her. My husband(knowing how i've been feeling lately)told me to just tell her she was already asleep. I told him no...it would be alright and I let them talk for a while. I helped her hold the phone and put my ear up to it every once in a while so I could hear what was being said.

Several times during the call...she would point at me..and say this is my mommy. It made me happy...I'm not sure if her bmom thought she was talking about her...but it didn't matter to me....I knew she was pointing at me and that made up for the last couple days. I again mentioned to her that she still had her goodbye visit to re-schedule and that we would have a visit with her after the adoption was finalized.

I think she may be going through some grief but i think it is more confusion. We got her when she was 14 months and she didn't even see her bmom until she was about 2 years old. Then it was only 1 hour visits once a week...which she used to hate and would cry the whole time and throw a big fit. Then she started to get to know her a little and began to have some fun at the visits. Then, she had a few day visits that would last about 6 hours then about 4 weekend visits. Where she may have been able to get in a better bond and idea as her as her mother. We've always called her momma M. But I really don't think she considered her her mother.

So I don't think she is really going through grief. I think she has always thought of this as her home and my husband and I as her parents. I think she just got pretty confused with the whole idea that she also has another house...and that she is supposee to go back over to VISIT her other mom!!!

I feel in my heart that it would be good to keep some openness.....for our little girls sake. I just never expected little things to pop up that would affect me so much.

Another thought came to me...she probably was talking about her so much and talking about seeing her....because i had brought the gift we made for the bmom back into the house and it was on the ground by the tree. She must have seen it over and over and kept thinking about her next visit.

Thank you again for your comments...and advice...it has really helped to keep my perspective clear and look towards the future.

[Linny]

I'm not sure that I would have called it 'grief'.....but certainly 'confused'. So much for DCFS (or whatever your state calls it)......it's rough when you've been in the system this long---going from 'one momma to the other'...and I don't care what kind of label they want to put on it.
Having adopted from the system....but from abusive parents......but also having adopted four infants--privately....two of which are grown......I will offer this:
I am not an advocate of very open adoptions....or an assumption that every adoption should be semi or open or closed in every case. (and I'm sure that may garner me some 'negative points' in the popularity corner). That said, I can tell you that it HAS to be hard on your daughter to have had the caseworker (or whomever) tell her one month that 'this is where you're going to live (after two years)....and 'now, thisis where you're gonna live instead'??? Confuses me, and I'm 47yrs old!
I'd allow her to talk as much as she wants about her birthmom. I think you were wise to allow them to talk to each other...and the suggestion of having her birthmother tell her about the arrangements....is a very good and wise one.
Regarding open-ness and 'for how long'.........if you need to make a plan......we were given the advice to never make long term plans---unless you are sure you can carry that promise out----regardless of what happens.

If not, may I suggest that you agree to X amount of visits and/or photos/letters, etc....for X amount of time. With the understanding that you will decide after that time whether it is good to continue with all or part of the agreement. Again, I think it wise to sit down with the birthmother and discuss terms (frequency, visits, etc) for X amount of time. I'm sure this situation has more information than you could write here........good or bad, the visits with the birthmother have obviously brought about some sort of relationship. Only your family knows if this has been a healthy relationship or not. I wish you luck, and I suspect that you--and considering the birthmother-- will handle this well.

Sincerely,

Linny

[mom2GRLC]

thanks!!

The bmom knows we are only here for a while because we are a military family. That's why it didn't really bother me that we have visits. we live on base so things are very secure...she can't just show up at our door step when ever she wants. We will only have visits at places like chuck-e-cheese where they have a security thing in place (they stamp your hand and check every childs hand to make sure it matches the parents, before they leave) or other secure places with lots of people.

Yesterday and today ...after our continued talks about momma M. I think she is finally starting to understand. Out of the blue she will come up to me grab my leg and say...."You my mommy"...."I luv you mommy"....and "No Momma M house bye...you my mommy."

It fills my heart with so much joy...to hear "you my mommy", I know things will work out between all of us. I just hope she understands...after her visits..and we don't keep going through this over and over.

Our little girl looks exactly like her bmom....so everytime i look at her i think of her bmom...and everytime i look at her bmom I see my little girl as a beautiful young lady. I duess that's why I think it is extra important to have some contact...because they do look so much alike and have so much in common....as far as personality goes.

I just hope that as my little girl gets older she will realize she doesn't have to make the same mistakes in life....she can make her own mistakes..as everyone does...I just don't want her to follow to much in her bmom's foot steps.

I never thought I would be at this point in my life....so deepley in love with someone else's birth child and be able to adopt her as my own....yet have to share her with someone else who loves her equally as much as I do. I never imagined an open adoption until after reading all the posts on this website....which has opened my eyes to all the good that it brings...as well as all the difficulties.

Thank you all for your support!!!

[mom2GRLC]

I just found out someone took words from my post and used it on an anti-adoption website.

I hope my feelings have not hurt anyone on this post or made them think less of me or my parenting skills. It's terrible that you come to a supportive website to find encouragment and advice and instead your words get scrutinized down to every last detail and judgments are made on not only you as a person but your ability to parent.

I hope that if someone was reading from that website and choose to look up my post on this website they will find that I really am not this terrible person that I have been made out to be.... they would also see the long struggle we have had with our little girl and our desire to have her keep in contact with her birth momther...because we do think that it is in her best interest to have some contact.

Thanks again for all those of you who offered me support and advice....rather than the other site that only offered terrible comments and tried to tear me apart.

[tobeafamily]

Jessica,

It happens. I've seen posts here get posted on anti-adoption sites. Part of being in a public forum. Not unusual for it to be out of context either. I'm sorry that your words were used this time. That hurts.

Ignore it. People who do such things, especially 'clandestinely', have an ax to grind. They're looking for anything to grind it against. So don't take it to mean that you're a bad person, mother, adoptive parent, whatever. It's not about you at all. It's about their ax.

Open adoption has it's challenges and it's benefits. Most of the time, the latter outweighs the former. It is what you do for your child, so they have all of their life 'pieces' available without searching to the ends of the earth for them. It is so they have the same information about themselves as anyone not adopted. What others think of that is irrelevant. It is for her, that she will care is what matters.

Hang in there.

IMHO

Regina

[Jensboys]

I agree Jessica - they will pick apart PORTIONS of posts and replies and have no interest in hearing, learning or understand the positions of others. Nor will they ever agknowledge that some of what is said they agree with or may be right.

Its their own agenda - period. Of course they are entitled to that and their feelings, to bad so often its at the expense of others who are actually trying to LEARN.

You are exactly the type of adoptive mom they should be supporting - the ones who are reaching out, trying to learn and support their adopted children to the best of their ability. If you hadnt posted the question, you wouldnt be receptive to answers, right?

Instead they attack EVERYONE forgetting that their actions in the end hurt the adopted child because their message is completely lost due to their hateful and angry methods.

So please, dont allow this to deter you from reaching out, learning and asking questions. You are the BEST type of adoptive mom - one who is willing to learn and grow.

[stacyone]

I agree with Jen (can I have a Macro for that?).

Jessica, I sometimes feel jealous of my daughter's bmom. Let's face it -- no matter how many diapers I change or boo-boo's I kiss, I can never claim to have given birth to this miraculous little child. I think that not having any jealousy would be weird! We love our kids so much we wish we could share that connection -- sounds absolutely normal.

I had to own that jealousy, grieve the connection I don't have, before I could move past it. I also absolutely believe that young children can grieve. And don't you want her to feel safe to share that grief with you? You've got to hear all her "rough stuff" without judging it or trying to brush it off in order for her to share all the "good stuff", too, IMHO.