[Leigh131313]

I've noticed alot of people seem to be a little frustrated with the forum lately. I'm not sure if it is maybe the stress of the holidays or something more....but one thing i have noticed is that it seems to come up on the threads dealing with adoptions that are not working out...ones of legal risk, or failed adoptions.

It seems to me that adoptive parents are not being allowed to deal with their feelings here...and i dont think that is fair. People are coming here in crisis, and are being told to deal with it because its the law. I'm sorry but that is NOT acceptable to me.

If my friend was matched up with a pbmom and the match fell through, I would hold her hand, hug her, and tell her how completely unfair the whole thing was. If she cried her heart out to me and asked me why that baby wasnt meant to be with her when she knows she could provide so much more for that child....I would NOT sit there and recite the law to her.. I would tell her that I love her and that everything was going to be ok.

Sometimes we just need to grieve and be upset....alot of adoptive couples dont have anywhere to turn to when this happens. Some of us don't know anyone else who has been through this. We come here for support, and often are hit with "well, what did you expect? Thats the law!" WE KNOW WHAT THE LAW IS! That doesnt change that our hearts have been ripped apart and that we need HELP to deal with things.

I am blessed to be a part of an adoptive parents group....we get together every month...and if someone comes in after a failed match we dont sit and say "well, she had the right to change her mind, you knew that" We cry with her over the loss of her dream. Sometimes I don't care what the birthparents are going through (just as pbparents cant take OUR feelings into consideration when they make their choice) sometimes i just want to commiserate with my fellow adoptive parents.

I'm not anti-birthparent....just as no adoptive parent can know what a birthmother goes through, no birthparent can know what it is like to go through the process of adopting. Especially revokes..and i'm sorry but it is not the same as placing a child, we dont get to make the ultimate choice. I'm not saying it's easier or harder but it is NOT the same.

If i was matched up with a pbmom and she was waivering on her decision, I am selfish enough to admit that i would pray that she keeps her adoption plan.....apparently this makes me a horrible adoptive mother. So be it.
Leigh

[Jensboys]

I agree Leigh to a point - however this is a public forum for ALL sides. If at a private adoptive parents group where noone elses feelings are going to get hurt then for sure - its a safe and appropriate environment to vent but to always also realize that those feelings in the moment are not appropriate for general life or outside that venue. In the same way that an adoptee may vent at a search and reunion group about feeling disconnected to their aparents or how their adoption should of never happened. However here, we come to learn and to grow - and we cant do that if we shut our ears to the other side. When we do - the group is pointless and fruitless.

I have had the EXACT scenario play out with my dearest and oldest friend that you describe above. And although I did hold her hand and let her grieve if EVER she would of said "I could of been a better parent" or "They should give that baby to me because they thought about it" or "That dad doesnt have a right to MY baby" I would of gently and carefully reminded her of reality. Thats my job as a TRUE friend to her - not as a back patter, fair weather friend. And I would expect her to do the same to me!

Just try to remember, better are the faithful wounds of a friend than the kisses of an enemy.

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by Leigh131313

If i was matched up with a pbmom and she was waivering on her decision, I am selfish enough to admit that i would pray that she keeps her adoption plan.....apparently this makes me a horrible adoptive mother. So be it.
Leigh

I dont think that this makes you a terrible adoptive mother to want to adopt ... but if you would use your influence to convince that mother to place, either unintentionally or intentionally, or if you would try to manipulate the situation through the courts or using your emotional relationship to her, or if you would make promises you didnt intend to keep regarding contact I would dare sumise that WOULD make you guilty of being a bad adoptive parent.

I guess as an adoptive mom I DONT WANT someone elses baby they SHOULD OF or COULD OF been raising. I want the RIGHT child for our family - I want to be the BEST AVAILABLE parents for a specific child that NEEDS me ... not ANY baby I can get.

I still love, think about, & pray for the three children whose matches failed. I strongly feel that my role in their life was simply being a stranger who they will never know, but will always have the prayers of. Was it easy? No way!!! But mostly, I want to model integrity to my children and how EVER could I do that if I somehow thought that I had a child I never really should of had. Would I ever feel entitled to parent? I doubt it!!

[shougmom]

I think that Leigh is just reiterating that someone who is seeking support is seeking support period. They are looking for a shoulder to lean on, not a lecture. There is a time and a place for education and enlightenment, but not when someone is just asking for support not information.

[Jensboys]

Shougman - I agree ... but I also think that if they ONLY want support either they need to say that in the FIRST post of the thread (eg. Please dont comment on this as I am just venting and need support) or else they need to get it OFF BOARD somewhere. There are simply too many views, too many people and too many perspectives on an active public board such as this to always get consensus. Just try posting about circumcision, eating meat, the Bible or spanking You will see what I mean!

Totally off topic ... I also have a 3 year old son named Caden

[amom4life]

The thing is that a lot of the time the original post is asking for support and prayers only, but that is ignored and then when others try to gently get it back on track no one pays attention and just keeps going on. When a polite request is made to take the debate to a new thread to allow the original to remain for support that request is refused. Instead of showing compassion and respect for the original posters wishes they put the debate above those wishes. That is not right period.
Judy

[BrandyHagz]

Threads morph, it happens every day, all day long, even on support threads.

Most, if not all, of the people on the thread in question offered their support regarding the issue…maybe it’s not the same kind of support others would have liked to see, but it was support.

I disagree that people should be able to post and no one should be able to respond unless their post falls in line with the OP…because that’s how people learn. All in all, this is a support forum…every thread is considered a “support thread”…yet many of them ramble off topic most, if not all, of the time.

In my opinion, I think the big problem here is that many of the people “debating” on that thread where saying things that other people didn't like…because it endangered their rolls as parents…I have to wonder if we’d even be here if the topic would have morphed into something more pleasing for those who have been offended.

Anyway, I wont be here to respond, I’m walking out the door for surgery. Everyone have a great day.

[Liepolds]

WhenI first registered on this board I was quiite active and tried to GENTLY give my opinions, but, some people are cruel. I understand everyone has there own opinions and strong opinions at that, but, I have stopped posting and just sort of lurk because I am afraid to post my opinion.

I feel as if it is not a forum anymore it is a debate. I also strongly feel that the failed placement threads turn into a debate between a-parents and b-parents.

I am sure I will be offending someone by posting this and I won't apologize, it is how I feel.

Kim

[redhedded]

Kim, You are right; the climate here has not been a nice or healthy one. I have been here a long time and have seen many come and go, and have seen one (Sharon) asked to leave due to her consistent but compassionate and kind expressions of her own experiece, which as a birthmother had been quite difficult. She was a huge contributor to this board, in all discussions, debates and heated disagreements; though she was as passionate and strong and convicted in her views as anyone, she believed in being inclusive.

I have always tried to lend support, gain advice and share my own experience of an arduous adoption journey before my perfect daughter arrived, but I did not always just support blindly; I did not mince words, and have had my fair share of a difference of opinion, mostly with other adoptive parents, and often surrounding a failed match or placement. I think that a necessary part of our experience and growth on this journey, being supportive with the truth.

But now, I, too, stick to the benign superficial discussions with those with whom I feel comfortable; otherwise I feel like an outsider. Frankly, I love a good debate and do not shy away; debate has not been present here. I never felt a divisiveness in this board; now it screams at me, and that division is not about a difference of opinion.

I have left here before intending to never return, but I am drawn back by some amazing people, some who are wise and have walked the path that is ahead of me, as an adoptive mother, some who are loving and open and who have become friends, some who have physically dissimilar families and know my experience but mostly because I have met some of the brightest, most interesting and funniest folks that I know. I say find your niche and gather comfort, advice and humor within it.

[Volfe]

Yanno, when a young birth parent comes here, sad about the closing of her baby's adoption - actions the aparents took - I have never seen a thread run the gamut on: Gee those ARE awful people!

I know when I had such troubles, I had responses of: My experience was, Maybe she's this, maybe try this...
Never: you are so right...
And yes I was rocked back on my heels a bit but I've certainly learned much from all those responses.

Seems the threads that do run the gamut on "those ARE awful people" are when they adoption is about to fail. That is just my opinion.

I accept that I'm going to get differing opinions.... If I have an offensive opinion I try to keep that to myself. Certainly, I have no faith in Christianity but my form of prayer works just as well for the prayer threads. Usually I just PM the OP...

None of us likes to have others hurting, and failed adoptions are hard. But sometimes support is hard and the support on a public board is - I guess unpredictable. Sometimes we need to just remember that.

Maia

[kiwi]

I'm stepping in as administrator and "final say" on the board to express my feelings about most of the threads in question.

I agree with all my being that support isn't always about back-patting and agreeing with everything. Support is about building up and making stronger. Often that strength comes from steping outside our comfort zone and learning what others have to say.

Under no circumstances is it ever allowed for anyone to make sweeping negative comments about any group, triad side, way of thinking or anything else.

Giving insight as to the ways and whys a situation can happen is not disrespectful.

Yes, a distinction can be made that an OP just wants to vent, but when comments of "those unfit, bad people who don't deserve to parent the child they gave birth to" start sneaking in, don't be shocked when someone comes to their defense.

[BlueMommy]

Why can't we have a spin-off seperate support group rather than just a General Adoptive Parent Support for only adoptive parents? The name of it sounds like this would be that place, but I guess not.

[MNelson]

I know that I find strength is stepping outside the box, just as kiwi said. I learned so much in the responses to my threads when I was going through our uncertain placement. By seeing other sides of it, I realized that I wasn't the center of the universe , and that lifted a huge burden off my shoulders! By allowing my compassion to seep in, I felt less of a victim. By providing insight into directing my anger, I felt less sad.

"((((Hugs)))", prayers and good thoughts are nice, but they don't help you transcend your circumstances, they just help you weather them. It's the difference between hunkering down, or taking steps towards healing.

[Jensboys]

Because it would be B-O-R-I-N-G!!!! The point of coming to these public forums is NOT to run around only talking to people that think the same as you, feel the same as you, support your every breath ...the POINT of coming to a public forum is to be challenged, to learn and to grow.

The reality ALSO is - some people on the threads in question didnt like what a whole lot of us adoptive parents were saying also. I happen to agree completely with the "birth parent" side of things - would I be allowed to post? I am an adoptive mom, I am raising adopted kids, I feel strongly in support of openness and birth parent rights and openness agreements - therefore I threaten some aparents views. It wasnt only a Birthparent Vs. Adoptive Parent issue ... In my opinion, it became a "my way or the highway" issue.

Have you been to anti adoption boards? They are a bunch (a small bunch at that) of people continually feeding off each other the same thoughts over and over again. Have you been to pro adoption boards? They are a bunch (a larger bunch) of people continually feeding off each other the same thoughts over and over again. Noone learns anything (other than they are always right of course and everyone else is wrong)

I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather be part of a group where open discussion was encouraged in a respectful manner. I have very rarely seen that not be allowed in recent months. THATS what makes it fun to come back here!

[coco46]

Personally, I like the idea of this forum being inclusive to all members of the triad. I've learned a lot by reading posts from different people here on all sides of the triad, even when I didn't agree, and even if they made me mad or upset.

While I agree that things have been somewhat more heated lately, that's a part of life anywhere. Relationships change, new friends join, people disagree, they argue, they make up, they move on. If people only want a "cheering section" in this type of setting, I don't think that's realistic.

I'd hate to think I was not able to express my opinion here because that's not what someone wanted to hear. I expect that if someone disagrees with me, they can also feel free to discuss it with me. If I'm hurting or in pain and I ask for support, I feel like I'll get it. I also think that sometimes, support means reminding someone of the truth, even if it's painful to hear.

I'm a bmom who's also waiting to adopt, so I guess maybe it's sometimes a little easier for me to see things from different perspectives, but everyone here has something unique, interesting, and valid to say, from what I've seen. Let's stop trying so hard to monitor each other and get back to the good discussions we all enjoy!