[missyB77]

I'm hoping that some of you can help me. I first want to say that I know that giving up a child is the hardest decision I think a mother can make.

Knowing that however, why do some birthmother or would some birthmothers wait until they are weeks away from birth to chose adoptive parents? What are some of the thoughts here?

I truly believe, after having two failed adoptions because the birthmothers chose to parent, that no decision should be made until after the baby is born. That is unless there is totally no way that the person can care for the child.

I've been looking at a situation where a birthmother is due in just four weeks. She still has not picked parents for her child. I look at this as she may have not made up her mind to place yet. I don't know anything about her because the agency won't give me any details.

I was just wondering your thoughts on this.
Blessings,
Melissa

[dutchgirl2]

Hi Melissa!

You know, I'm not sure what the answer would be to that one. I can tell you that in our situation the bp's waited until the end of the pregnancy before approaching the agency and then looked through every single profile they had. Our profile was in the very last stack they gave them, which they looked at in the hospital while ** was in labor! They chose us and we were called 2 hours after the baby was born.

Why did they wait so long? We can only guess. Perhaps they hoped to parent this child, perhaps they didn't want the other children to know that they were considering an adoption plan (they have 5 other children), perhaps... Well, we just don't know. And since they did not wish to meet us or have an open adoption, we may never know. We really hope that will change and would LOVE an open adoption, if and when they feel the time is right.
Hope this helps. :-)
simone

[Free_to_be_me]

I'm a birthmother and I selected the adoptive family three weeks before my due date. The baby was born two weeks late, so the family had five weeks to prepare.

Why did I wait so long to choose a family? Well, I was three months along when I realized I was pregnant. Then in took me a couple weeks to accept that I was pregnant. Then it took a little longer for me to realize that I wasn't ready to be a parent. Then, I spent three months doing research on adoption, openness and what choices I had. Finally, at seven months along I was certain that I wanted to make an adoption plan if I could make it work the way I wanted it to. I still had not talked to any agencies, lawyers or social workers. I hadn't told anyone. Why? NOONE EVER ASKED! Everyone assumed that I was going to parent.

At the hospital at a prenatal appointment I sat down to talk about my birthplan with the hospital social worker. She asked me if I was planning on breastfeeding or bottle feeding. I told her that I wasn't planning on feeding my baby. That is the first person I told about adoption. She helped me find an agency that worked for me. The agency knew how far along I was, but they weren't going to rush me into picking parents until they were as sure as anyone can be that I was comfortable with the decision and at a place in my mind where I was ready to choose parents. I was not ready to choose parents until I was as sure about my plan as I possibly could be.

Melissa, you said you know that choosing an adoption plan for a child is the hardest decision a mother can make. That being said, choosing parents is one of the last steps in making that plan. So yes, I had decided on adoption at 3 1/2 months, but it took me another four months to develop my adoption plan and figure out what I wanted for my baby. By the time I was ready to look at parents, it only took 45 minutes to decide on the parents I wanted for my child. Sometimes it takes me longer than that to decide which pair of jeans to buy.

As far as not being able to make any decisions about adoption until after the baby is born, I am certain that that would result in many fewer adoptions. I was not going to let my baby go to a foster home. It was just not an option for me. If I hadn't had parents picked out who were willing to take the baby from the hospital, she would have gone home with me and stayed with me. Although if it had happened, it would have worked out just fine, knowing how things are now, it would have been tragic for me and my life and for her and her family's lives.

[LisaCA]

our bmom waited until the day before she went into labor to have our match confirmed (she chose us the week before). I didn't ask why, but i suspect that she had a bit on her plate . First she told her parents when she was 5 months pregnant (she had been receiving prenatal care before that thru her school). Then she and her parents had to decide what to do, talk to folks, etc. Then when she'd decided to go for the adoption plan, she had to look at the profiles, none of which matched what she wanted, AA parents. So then her agency had to reach out to other groups, trying to find AA parents interested in adoption. So then all these profiles were sent to her, and she had to decide which ones she wanted (we were no. 1). By the time we spoke to her, then each of us spoke to our agencies, it was the day before she went into labor.

to my mind, I would probably have done the same thing. I think you probably think you have plenty of time, then when you think about the momentous decision you're making, well, that takes time to think about too, then second guess your decision. Personally, I liked the last minute nature of it-I didn't have time to sweat over the match, just take care of travel plans, etc. If bmom had decided to parent, that would have been easier (though still painful) than if we had been matched for four months.

your situation may just be that she's thinking about which profile and set of parents are perfect, rather than whether she's sure about the plan. Our bmom was sure for about 2.5 months, but then had to hunt for the aparents that she wanted. Imagine having to make a decision based on those profiles? It would take me forever. If you're more comfortable with a child that is already available, then you might think about a situation where the bmom/bdad has already signed. We were presented with two of these, one a newborn (1 day old) and another 5 months old.

LisaCA

[mumofone]

Our son's birthparents decided to place their child for adoption when they first found out they were expecting.

I can only imagine how difficult a decision it was for them. I know the laws are different where we live, and that each area has a different revocation period. Our son's birthparents must have had some doubts as they were late signing off on the paperwork.

I can imagine that most birthparents wait until the final weeks to choose a couple because maybe they are still considering parenting.

[Volfe]

Sometimes Life dictates that they wait.
Or circumstances change later in the game...
Or they'd rather not take that step into finality (beginning the process of ending the mother/ child relationship)
Or they haven't liked couples before now.

As to waiting to sign, sometimes they get tired of being pressured and they want some peace.
Sometimes they are reconsidering their options.
Always they try to figure out what's 'best'.

It's a hard road.

[79nic]

Well, my story's a little different.

I was not matched with M's aparents till after she was born.

I WANTED to start looking at profiles when I was about 4 months pregnant. The agency wouldn't let me. They wanted to make sure I was settled on adoption first.

To me, I couldn't settle on adoption until I knew that there were some good parents out there to raise M.

Finally I just told them, OK, I'm sure. At about 7 months pregnant they let me start looking for a match.

I did not find anyone.

When I went into labor, I still didn't have parents picked out.

Marie went to a foster home (through the agency, not through DFS) (and yup, I said the same thing free_to_be_me did, that I'd never put her in a foster home.... but when I realized all the ins and outs of it, I was perfectly comfy with it). She was there for about 2 weeks, while I rethought parenting, and while I talked to, met with, and eventually chose her parents.


Long story, but....

Are you sure your agency allows p-birthmothers to match early on? Mine didn't.

Maybe she didn't want to get anyone's hopes up, so she's waited?

Maybe, like me, she's just really really really picky, and hadn't found the perfect couple yet?

Could be plenty of reasons. I wouldn't let it scare you.

[artchick]

We matched with a bmom very early in her pregnancy-- about 10 weeks. I do not think she had time to really process her decision. She assured us that the bdad would sign and that all would be good. We went to all dr. appts., had a great relationship.

However, after about 5 1/2 months, the bdad said that he would not sign. She still wanted to place, but caved when he did.

This experience and a similar experience with my bro. & sis in law lead me to believe that the later the pg. the better. I don't know stats on that, but that seems to be the ideal time in my mind.

HTH,
Amy

[missyB77]

Thank you all very much for posting. It has enlightened me on a couple of things. I thought of all the emotions we go through as adoptive parents at that time, time of waiting, but I really didn't think about all the THINKING the birthmother has to do. I know in my mind and heart that she does go through many emotions and has a lot of decisions to make and I didn't mean to underestimate the decision she has to make in chosing parents for her child. I can totally see how that could take a long time.

I as an adoptive parent have probably just as many doubts in my mind about the decision to adopt as the birthparents. They may not be as life altering but nevertheless, I have concerns.

It is good to be able to come here and hear from real birthmothers so we can get the other side of the spectrum.

PS. The agency will match early but actaully dh and I chose to not match early. We don't mind being called the night before. I never got to ask S why she waited so long. I think I may have gotten the answer on here! Thank you so much.

[79nic]

missy,

I hope everything works out for you! So are you officially matched? If so, you've gotta let us know when you have your little one home with you, so we can say congratulations!

It's sort a minority opinion, I think, but I kinda agree with you on matching post-birth... it really took the pressure off of me in that I didn't once have to wonder if I changed my mind post-birth and decided to parent, how the p-aparents would feel.... and there was no chance for coercion from unscrupulous p-aparents, either. (Although I am sure most p-aparents would not try to coerce, anyway. ) But that's how it worked for me, so of course I have a bias towards it... I know many people appreciate the time to get to know the p-aparents, and many p-aparents appreciate getting to know the p-bparents, and that makes sense, too.

I tried to rate you on your last post and I can't, did too many today already. Mental note to come back and give you a thumbs up for thinking through what p-birthmoms go through.

Again, let us know when you have a little one! (hugs)

Nicole

[aj2002]

Melissa... the other posters have all tried to reassure you not to worry, that every situation is different, and I would just like to add another example to that. We didn't even start talking to our social worker until I was eight months along. I was going to school out of state, and bdad and I had decided that we would be together before we made any big decisions regarding baby. So, as soon as the spring semester was over, I came home. It wasn't until then that we decided on adoption. By that time there was soo much to do (mandatory counseling, looking at profiles, making an adoption/ birth plan) that we didn't even meet the parents until two weeks before Jake was born. Also, the aparents have an older daughter that they weren't even expecting... The hospital called saying that they had a baby girl who's mom was looking at their profile but hadn't had time to arrange a meeting yet. So, I wouldn't worry about not being matched during the pregnancy. Hope all goes well!

[kinnj]

I was just recently matched also. 2 weeks before ** is due. I met them last week and just waiting for that call. I hope this goes through. I am scared to death bp's may want to parent, but hey, that is their choice. This is a very bid decision and I respect whatever decision they make.
Take care
KINNJ

[missyB77]

Thank you all for the feedback. We are not matched again. We are going to wait awhile now. I really want another baby but seeing as how we got K in Sept, we need to tend to her. We love her with all our hearts and she couldn't be any sweeter. I love her birthmother for making the decision to give her to us. We only knew her a week before she was due but had been matched prior to her. That match was 6 months and while I was driving to TX to meet the birthmother, two weeks before the baby was due, she called to tell me she changed her mind. I sat on the side of the highway 4 hours from home and cried and cried.

That just made me think about what she was going through too. If I felt that way, I can't imagine the pain she had been going through making the decision. It also made me think that I never wanted to be matched that long again. The next time, like I said, it was a week and then K was here!!

I wish we were matched but we have K to love and spoil first. I do want another and I want them close in age. I'd like two children to grow up together. K is bi-racial and we will probably look for another situation like that. Not totally sure but I think it would be good for the children to be able to relate to each other about something.

Anyway, when we get back on the adoption horse I'll let you know. I'm hoping for a miracle because I am tired of looking for situations. I'm hoping that we can be lucky and God will bring something to ours laps this time!

Happy holidays and Blessings,
Melissa

[bkmstj]

I feel for you, I am a birthmom from 1982, my options were not the same as today, but my thoughts are that as a birthmom we tend to be in denial for a long time and then realize we just can not handle the thought of our situation so we look toward adoption. The difference with todays adoptions is that the hospitals let the young women keep the babies in their room just like any other mom so by then mother nature has kicked in so strong, I can not begin to tell you how strong this feeling is, I almost surrcumed to this feeling also, but I was mature enough to know that the baby can not stay in the room with me. The young women I helped council with LSS in my later teen years who choose to keep their babies were in total denial as to their home situatuions.The fell for the beautiful and quite baby, not relizing how hard the next 18 years are going to be. Please do not give up there is a baby for you, you just have to keep trying, I know it is emotionally draining. I would be very nervous also if I were you. Hang in there
Take Care
Happy Holidays

[BrandyHagz]

The difference with todays adoptions is that the hospitals let the young women keep the babies in their room just like any other mom

This isn’t always a bad thing…to those adoptive parents who are reading. In a lot of cases, having the baby in the room with you will only reinforce the decision that you’ve been planning all along, and that’s placing.

Sure, it was hard for me not to mother M after she went home with her parents…but having her in the room with me while we were in the hospital gave me the time I needed to say goodbye to her…and only reinforced the decision I had made.

If a mother changes her mind by having the baby in the room with her, then she wasn’t set on adoption to start with…having the baby in the room with her didn't make her change her mind, she just hadn’t made up her mind completely until it became real for her.