[NaomiNJaysmom]

A question for birth moms if you dont mind ??? Do you think that having children already is a strike against us ? would you have considered a family that had children already if you were the one reading our profile ? The worker in our agency seems to thinks this will be a problem for us. Please let me know what you think ? TIA ~Amy
feel free to PM or e-mail me

[79nic]

It's hard to say.....

Every p-bmom is different. Some want their bchild to be the aparents' first... some don't care... some would prefer lots of sibs for the child... some would prefer that their bchild be an only child.

Personally I did not make the number of children a family already had a criterion when I was choosing a family. I kind of LIKED the idea of placing with a childless couple--just thought it would be neat to help make someone a first-time parent--but it wasn't a necessity for me. In fact, the very first family I was drawn to (turned out they were already matched a day or two before I read their profile) already had a son.

Are your kids adopted or bio?

Anyway, I am sure there is a good match out there for you. We're all so different in what we look for, in families.

[lisa in venice]

With our last adoption we ran into this issue. We had three kids already and one of them a teen. (I never knew having teens was an issue until we went thru this) Anyway there were several expectant moms who took one look at so many kids and sad "no way" BUT there were at least 6 who considered us BECAUSE of the number of kids in our family. With our 3rd adoption Sam's birth mom only looked at families with children already. She wanted experienced parents.

I was adviced by Nelson to talk about what adding another child to our circus of a family would mean and to reassure folks that #4 would not get lost in the shuffle. I just wrote very candidly about how unique each of the kids were and how important each one was to the "mix". I wrote about how we were excited to add another. We were in a place where we felt ready to parent another child and that this one would have theri own special place just like the others.

While there are many expectant parents who only want childless couples or one sibling there are those who are interested in larger families. I think the trick is to spread the net wider and get as much exposure as possible to find those expectent parents.

[NaomiNJaysmom]

all 3 kids are not bio but none are adopted. My oldest is a step for me and the middle is a step for DH. the youngest was a team effort LOL !

[Leigh131313]

umm...ok..i'm confused..

the two older children are step children...and the youngest was team effort? but none are biological or adopted? ummm..... is this like in that book when the girl wishes for a baby sister and the toothpaste genie turns her doll into a baby? Or am i missing something, lol.
Leigh

[3+TWINS+1MORE=6]

Hi, I just wanted to say that we are a large combined family (bio and foster) and we were matched with a birthmom in 7 hours!! She originally wanted a family with NO children and then decided after hearing about us (we didn't even have time to make up a birthmom letter) that we were perfect for her daughter. My twins were only 18 months when Makayla was born, so it is challenging and bio mom knows that. She still says I'm crazy, but I love it! I think having other children in the home is a bonus with more people to love the baby and child as they grow. We did have some judgement from the agencys and that is why we went thru a facilatator. Even the social worker who did our home study told my kids" didn't anyone ever tell your mom she is only supposed to have 2 kids?" It didn't bother me as she quickly realized that we CAN handle the kids and all of the extras that come with it. She actually hugged me goodbye, when she left. I had an old lady even today, walk by me, my foster son (age 12), the twins (2 next month) and Makayla (5 months on the 19th) and say "poor lady". Well I laughed and then looked at my foster son and said" how does she know we are poor?" We both then laughed. I had to say something as it upset my foster son. I am used to the saying you have your hands full, and say "no not really". I just hate that statement. So hopefully you will not run into a problem with being judged for your little blessings!

Kids are little blessings no matter where they come from.

Happy Holidays and this was my 2 cents. Kimberly

[NaomiNJaysmom]

what I meant was .... they are not ALL bio but none are adopted

[traceyk]

We have two teenage daughters and are planning on adopting. We tried to have another after a vasectomy rev. and even had to go through infertility treatments, so I hope they won't hold it against us.

[lovemy6]

Kimberly, whenever I hear "Boy you have your hands full", I always reply, "But my heart is even fuller!"

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

lovemy6,

I love that response! I'm gonna use that one myself now thanks!

Michelle

[Tanna]

I am not in that situation, but I think if i was, I would almost prefer that my child be put in a home that already had kids. They you know that they have developed their parenting skills, and that they will be a good parent, by looking at their other kids.

[Shelley]

I'm curious, why was having a teen an issue? When we started the adoption process our oldest was 13, next 12 and youngest (at the time) was nine,we never had any problems. Now we have 5 children, 4 boys (bio) and our daughter adopted from Korea 8/03.She's 2 now. We learned we were expecting another baby 10 days after our return from Korea.(8 months) I personally love having the older children around. Not only are they a big help, but it is so heartwarming to see them interact with the babies. They rush upstairs to get the baby out of bed as soon as he makes a peep, they sing and play, and talk baby talk. The 2 older boys have even changed messy diapers, the 14 yr. old goes around saying I love you to the babies. I think it will help make them great fathers one day. It's also not a bad arguement for abstinance. hahaha
I too get the remark about having my hands full, but I just play it off, and say it's the best kind of full they could be. The other big one is, when grocery shopping, I wouldn't want to pay "Your" grocery bill. Well I don't remeber asking you to.
I did get a comment the other day that kind of blew my mind. I had the 2 babies and 11, he had suffered yet another sports related eye injury, goggles here we come, and some old guy sitting waiting to see the Dr. asked me "Wuz ya ever married to an oriental?" WHAT???? 11 was pushing daughter who's Korean in stroller, 11 yr. old had on a baseball cap to help hide his shiner, but he does have a more almond shaped eye, and is perpetually tan. Yet here I am sitting with a chunky blue eyed, obviously white baby in my lap. I just kind of laughed, more at the audacity of the question than anything, and said "No, that Emma was adopted. "Whar' from the P.I?" Now I'm normally pretty tolerant and good natured, but this guy was stretching my limits, thankfully at that moment they called him back and the conversation was over. It truely amazes me what people feel free to ask perfect strangers. SHelley
sorry so long

[Tanna]

Some people are so ignorant, I'm telling you. Sorry you haven't had the best of luck with people like that.

Anyways, I think the thing about having older kids is two things, A: the fear that the older kid may be developing some jealousy, and has the potential to cause harm andb B: I think parents may fear that with so many kids, you may be getting worn out, and the child may not get as much attention as they hope. Also, with older kids, by the time the baby gets older, you may loose track of them, and what they do.

Not that either of the above would happen, but that's what runs through their minds.

[Shelley]

I know it takes all kinds and to teach tolerance, I need to practice tolerance, but sometimes.... That's one of those times I wish I had a stock answer, some kind of zinger to take the wind out of their sails, but it's probably better I didn't, he was just being nosey and didn't mean any harm, at least that's what I choose to believe. Being a transracial famliy, you kind of run different scenarios through your mind, with your family, kind of how/what to do situations so you can deal with this kind of thing when it comes up, but who could have thought of that one? I surely hadn't. Another mind blowing incident was standing in line at a fastfood joint waiting to order. It was a very long wait, for fast food, like 15 mins. I had an older couple asking about Emma and they in return were telling me about their grand niece adopted from China. The woman in front of me joined in the conversation. I am very happy to talk adoption with people, and will answer most questions, honestly, except the ones that aren't anyone's business, "was she abandoned, etc..then I'm vague. Long story short, this woman gave me her lifestory in line, at least her reproductive lifestory, then proceeded to aske me why Korea? Was the market better? HUH???? After I picked my jaw up off the floor I said excuse me? Thinking I surely didn't hear what I think I just heard. Is the market better in Korea she asked again. In the space of about 10 seconds a dozen or more responses went through my mind, thankfully none of them came out my mouth. What I decided was that this was an ill-educated uninformed woman standing in line at Wendy's, I could educate her, which would go in one ear and out the other, or give her the short stock answer and be done with her. I chose the latter. Apparently she realized she'd said something wrong, could it be thefrost in my voice? or the rigidity with which I stood, whereas before I had been relaxed and open? She stopped asking questions, and went on about her business. Did I choose the right option? I don't know, but my almost 2 yr. old daughter was standing there beside me, and thankfully she didn't understand the conversation. Next time she might, and hopefully I will find the right words to respond to busy bodies.ANyway, I too believe she didn't mean any harm or to be offensive, she just didn't think before she spoke, which I do all the time. Hopefully I cause no harm when I do this. Oh well, we live and learn and move on. Shelley

[lisa in venice]

No idea what the geal with having teens is. We were turned down twice by expectant moms who were uncomfortable with us because our ds was 14 (shrug)