[poullafouca]

Hi everyone, our expectant mother lives in a horrid place. She resides in a dump with her ex, who is the father of her three kids (who are in foster care). Her ex has a new woman and three children with her, a couple more relatives live there and it isn't that secure and they aren't that nice to her.

Our expectant mother called me today and asked me to co-sign for an apartment for her. My lawyer and husband say NO!!!! I understand why, the young lady is broke, has terrible credit and is really in a bit of a state. When this baby is born regardless of any mind changing that may or may not occur, social services will take the baby if she doesn't go ahead with the adoption plan.

Our social worker and the attorney told me to (if I must) look into apartment hotels, you know, long stay kind of thing.
She will be having a c-section, so the SW said secure her a place until eight weeks after the birth. We also have a financial arrangement to help her to get an apartment after the birth/adoption.

I don't know what to do, she is in a bad place, she is pregnant, I know that I can't make everything right in her life, and we are not millionaires. The SW also said you cannot spend fortunes because of the law, meaning that you need to show how much money you have actually spent in front of a judge at finalization. Meaning, buying babies is not acceptable.

She needs to live in that area so that she can visit with her children on a weekly basis.

I want to help her, but need informed advice.

Hellllllppppp!!

Poulla

[BrandyHagz]

We also have a financial arrangement to help her to get an apartment after the birth/adoption.

Is this legal? That sounds very odd to me...will this apartment be obtained after finalization?

[roxanna425]

Your lawyer and husband already said no. I expect that at least your lawyer is an "informed" person. I would say no as well. I think most people would and you've been given good advice from your sw on long-stay hotels. I would be very careful and I'd check that urge to "fix" everything for this lady.

[poullafouca]

Well, I have been told it's legal. The idea being that she needs help to get on her feet after the birth. It certainly hasn't been presented to us as illegal...

[leaabc123]

There is a difference between helping and enabling. I suggest following your lawyer's advice.
If you co-sign on anything, you become financially responsible should the other party fail to pay for any reason. She sounds like she is not financially reliable and not the kind of person you should think about connecting your credit history to.
A long term stay place seems like a decent compromise.

[BrandyHagz]

I’ve never heard of that…I’ve heard of supporting the mother while she is pregnant, and for six weeks following delivery…but never helping them get on their feet…I asked if it was before or after finalization because I wonder if the lawyer will be required to show that transaction to the judge…naturally, if its after finalization he wouldn’t…which sends up HUGE red flags for me…


For the record, I agree with the others...short term lodging for the remainder of the pregnancy and six weeks following should be fine...

[Volfe]

Please realize that she might be willing to exchange your taking the baby (over CPS) for an apartment but what the law will see that as is coercion... The law tallies the amounts spent not just to check out the possibility of baby buying but also to thwart the nebulous practice of coercion... guilt...feeling indebted.

Getting her an extended stay place is a grand idea. Please stick to checking that avenue out...

I feel as though you want to nurture her too, and your heart is so big girlie... but you can not be her caregiver too. I'm sorry but you cannot. You can befriend her and help her but you must set your limits. Your husband and lawyer... listen to them in this.

Hugs!

Maia

[poullafouca]

Brandy, first of all LOVE your Christmas tree, that is fannnncy!

I think that the 'helping her get on her feet' thing is the same as taking care of her for six weeks anyway. The reality of the situation is that she is in a very transient state, she can't stay with her mum, her grandma is too far away from her children, she is struggling with social services to get her children back, she doesn't have a stable home that is hers.

She asked that we help her a bit during the pregnancy, which we are doing, and then to help her to get an apartment, she wanted financial help to do this. We are just doing what she has requested.

Maia, I see what you are saying, it could look coercive, couldn't it? I am just trying to do the right thing. Honestly the whole thing stinks and I try and walk around and hold my head up, but I feel low because we aren't made of money, although compared to our expectant mum we are loaded. The reality is that she is poor and ill-educated, she has hurt her existing children through neglect and 'lack of patience' as her mother rather cryptically put it when we met the other day. I expect that if she'd been born rich she wouldn't have ended up depressed and miserable and ill educated and all that, and then maybe she would have a happy home and a lovely loyal husband, and all that. Instead it is what it is, and my guilt and richness is compounded by her helplessness. I feel like a vulture again.

I somehow thought that in this whole mess of her fourth pregnancy, being stuck, all that that we could help, and she would bless us with her child that she can't raise anyway.

Brandy, I don't know. I feel rotten now.

[poullafouca]

Also I just went online and looked at extended stay housing. It is $ 169.00 a night, that is over $ 1100.00 a week, just under $ 5000.00 a month. We can't afford that. Just can't do it

[BrandyHagz]

Nah, don't feel rotton…

Listen…do you live close? I ask because maybe you can find resources for her…

She is low income? What about HUD housing? Section 8 Housing…those types of things…?

[poullafouca]

Also expectant mum said that the reason that she wanted to place for adoption was that she knew that she wouldn't be able to raise her child anyway, her second child was taken out of her arms at the hospital and was fostered by people she didn't know. She said that she wanted to have some element of control over things.

[BrandyHagz]

Thanks for the compliment on my tree

(I promise I have manners...LOL)

[poullafouca]

Brandy... I am confused about the manners thing. I know you have manners, I think you lot are fabulous. I wish when I went through all the hideous infertility stuff I'd met you lot.

Ach...my husband who is a living deity has gone to the supermarket to buy me a bottle of red wine.

I've worked my behind off today and have filthy indigestion from all the adoption stress.

I am cooking him dinner just to calm down

poulla

[BrandyHagz]

The manners comment was because I posted and forgot to say thanks…so I reposted the Thank you

Infertility is hard.
Adoption is hard.
Life is hard.
Parenting is hard.

Heck…its all hard…but it all gets easier…just take it one day at a time.

For what its worth…you cant hold this young ladies hand…you have to let her make it on her own. You aren’t adopting her…if that makes sense.

Do what you are comfortable with while she is pregnant, and for six weeks following…but its not your responsibility to be her mother…regardless of life’s hurdles.

Why don't you do this…my email addy is in my sig (click the sentence at the bottom)…send me some information on where she lives or wants to live, and I will see what I can find out about resources in that area.

It may take me a day or two, but I will get back to you…I have a pretty busy week…(pre-operative testing for surgery…ugh).

[Support2Adopt]

Don't feel like a vulture! It's obvious that you care about this young lady.
As far as any financial aid goes, please do not send her money directly. If she needs a bill paid, (for example,) send a check to the company that needs to be paid. If she needs maternity clothes, send her a gift card to somewhere like Target.
Please do not co-sign for anything because you ultimately would become responsible for the bill.
You might check to see if there are any homes for expectant Mothers in your area. Now, this can be emotionally trying as in places like this, some plan to keep their baby while others plan to place them. However, if they exist in her area, they should be reasonably priced.
Please don't feel any guilt. You did not create this situation.
JJ